23.3.26 - 85 - Aries

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The time of Aries is here

Ma said that last night she felt Pa's presence. I didn't want to tell her that it was his one week anniversary - one week ago he passed. Exactly at 7.30 am. But it was only half an hour later that Ma realised that he had gone. She didn't realise that he had gone. She was very upset by this, understandably, but she was there, at the foot of the bed, and we were all with him. It was very strange after he passed. His body remained warm for a very long time after. It was even clammy. But his face - his face was so peaceful and it became more and more peaceful as it passed.

I went running again today - this time it was at the same time as when the children of the French School were heading to school - so there were lots of bicycles and teenagers with no helmets cycling to the park. Serangoon Gardens is a one of a kind place. There is no where in Singapore like it. It has become a real community - and most unusually the place is mostly houses. Whether they knew it or not, the Brits built it like a kind of fortress so that it looked inwards to the circus. The roads which surround it are more like moats, creating a boundary to the places around it and the roads within it and highly connected. The place has a hill as well, which makes it even more like a fortress. It is very unique. Even then I knew it as unique.

I slept so well yesterday. I only understood how tired I was when I went to bed at 8.30 pm last night. I did get up every now and then to check on Ma. I am trying out a new schedule whereby we get up, she's up already and has her breakfast, and then when she says her rosary and listens to Mass, I go for my run. That's only half and hour so that's perfect. I intend to go for my swim now, but Jac's coming so I'm not going for the swim now.

I spoke to Ghin last night and he is unwell and I wish I was there to look after him. I really miss him and Oisin. I promised myself I would take my time to think about the future and really acknowledge Pa's passing before thinking of the future - which by the way doesn't exist. Nor does time actually exist. All we have is the now. Literally. Anyway, there is a strange paradox which is as time passes I do feel like he is no longer here but more here than ever. I said to Ma that I feel as if he is about to come home and I expect him to walk through the door any minute now. Like all those times he walked through the door. 

For some reason the feed are showing me about partners who are avoidant attachment and try to explain it that they only cherish their 'safety' and don't want the responsibility of other people's feelings. I am, that's all well and good, but maybe you should either come with the warning sign or take responsibility for your behaviour. No, these people know what they are doing and they are damaged in that they use this so called behaviour to torture other people. To always be in control. It is an EXCUSE. And I am done with it. Do your own therapy in your own fucking time.

So I am just going to take this time. Take this time to be with the people I love and care about and to have the time to observe Pa's passing. It's a terrible ache, and there's nothing we can do about it - except have those incredible memories which he brought us and just be grateful that he had such a good passing... a good threshold experience as Steiner says.

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