Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

There are some people... in this world you cannot bear another person's happiness. I know this is a crazy thing, but it is true.  They are jealous if someone is not as miserable as they are. And they actively seek to destroy a person's life. Actively. Without even knowing it. If the person whom they are trying to destroy leaves them they end up clinging onto, becoming a parasite to someone else. Someone whom they can completely control Sometimes these people are called narcissists. People who get their delight from the pain or the existence of another person. They trap people in codependent relationships. They need to be universally adored and if they are not they become bitter and vengeful. If they are not seen as perfect white knights they become deeply ashamed. Of course it is all about the shame. You can see this... the shame. BUT I do think that narcissism is too good a word for them. These people are not narcissists... they are PARASITES. They go around, manipulating peop...

I am now 30 posts behind... that's ok. I have just been so busy getting the house ready. Finally it is going on the market. Finally. It has been a pleasure spending so much time with Ghin. Fifteen years ago he was helping me to take clothes out of the washing machine. Now he is helping paint the place. Memories are quiet. We say nothing. We work in silence. Ghin is listening to his playlist. I am just painting.  There is no doubt that Peter was a complete disappointment. Even now in his audacity he is shameless. He has gotten his friend to buy a house just opposite the school so that he can get Ghin to stay there twice a week to stop me from claiming maintenance. He is hilarious. I don't care. I don't care. I think I might befriend is new partner and invite her round for coffee and a chat. You know, be neighbourly. I could help her with the baby. Make sure she is introduced to the community. Wouldn't that be a good thing to do? Can't wait.  Whatever it is, I will be...

Well today we cleaned the house. Strange how help arrives when it does. I had asked for help about a contractor from a friend and then entire family came along to help clear the place up. They stripped the carpets and cleaned the house. Helped me move. Readied it for painting. And from Tuesday onwards we are going to paint. the house will be done by the end of the week, ready for sale. After all that crap... we are now here. We are now moving out of the house. It feels.... painful and awful and at the same time... it was so unpleasant. So unpleasant which is why I took such a long long time to do it. Such a long time. And now.... I am here. I am here. It feels awful still. But it was not my fault. It was not my decision. It was something in which my hand was forced. I have noticed now that there is a pattern with my behaviour. I come across all strong and able and then right at the end, if I am doing something painful, I end up breaking down. I end up crying. I end up feeling all the p...

It will be a tough two weeks. Tough. But yesterday - the past two days connecting with the world around me was a balm for my soul. On Monday we played Capture the Flag and yesterday we looked at frogs. We also got a little 'lost' in the forest, but we 'found' our way out and the kids loved it. To feel fear and to then overcome it - this is medicine. Today I will be at the house cleaning. I was too too tired to do anything else after Forest School. I love my life. There is no doubt. Oh there's this great exercise which Lianne gave me... I must post it here... Yes I forgot this upload has bug in it. I will post it using my phone. Literacy is coming great guns in class. I am not making all the stupid mistakes I made following idiotic advise. I am now killing it as a Steiner teacher. I have all my Lesson Plans and have been able to time manage to create a kick ass writing curriculum. It is well balanced with poetry and acting and play and breathing as well a...

I began writing and then felt better. Writing and running is what will save me.  We had a wonderful day in Forest School yesterday. A day of running about and autumnal memories. But also sad because I began cleaning up Barnett's Road. So many sad memories, so many happy ones. So many memories of trying and failing. Of ... so many of these. Here Ghin took his first steps. Here Oisin rolled over on his tummy. Here we read stories and cuddled in bed. Here - here ... here we baked and cooked and I gardened with hope. We played the piano. I helped Oisin in his German lessons. Here we watched TV. Here we got ready to go to Singapore for our holidays. Every day the house becomes less and less ours and more and more a shell. Getting it ready for someone else to move in and to make new memories. Over the years the trees have grown into a glade. Here the hazels and the elders. Here the ash and the rowan. Here the sycamore. The massive beech. Here the rose and the rosemary. Here here and here...

Today I decided that I would write first before anything else. Except coffee. Everything else except coffee. I watched You and have decided that I will probably have nothing to do with popular culture until I die. This is not a tragedy. It is a relief. Popular culture I have very little to do with anyway. But it has become more asinine and vapid and self promoting, if that was even possible. People seem to be caught up in a fever dream which I just cannot imagine being even the slightest bit interested in. There was an interesting moment in You though when the protagonist kills someone because he does not vaccinate his children against measles. That was interesting. Having never vaccinated Ghin and had had the measles everyone had it and we were better for it. But it is now impossible to talk to people rationally about this. Especially after the pandemic. The revolution is literally not being televised not shared as people come out on the streets against boosters - whatever these are.....

It has been a very very very long week which went very very swiftly. And confusing. But the retrograde is lifting and I can feel it. So tonight I'm heading to bed after finally having had cleaned the house and started the laundry which will be complete by tomorrow. The wonders of tumble drying.

Well here is the work someone in my class did last week. It has been quite wonderful really. The world of Class One. I am enjoying it while it lasts. There is deep gratitude. I am enjoying Class One so much. They are such a wonderful wee class. Personally this has been such a relief and balm for me. I am getting so much out of being with them. Instead of it being stressful and difficult and fraught with fear, this time round things are so straightfoward and obvious.  I am so happy. It has been very helpful today. I did manage to organise most things. I did finally manage to get things together. The Forest School has been sorted physically resource wise and the car has been cleaned. Things are returning to normal after the madness of Mercury Retrograde.  I cleaned out the fridge, cleaned the bags, cleaned everything really. Except hoovered the house. I sort of ran out of time for that. But I did go for my run. I will play the piano one more time before turning in an...

Getting the Forest School things ready. Here they are... the apocalypse kit. In addition there is another kit just for cooking things. I am now ready for the new year. Finally going to tackle the Forest School activities which we have. Will do this until 5 pm then I'm going shopping. Gonna get lots of veg for this week - lots of veg and lentil soups for Ghin and myself. Right finally here and now. Forest School admin and it is gonna be carnage I just know it.

Always a good sign that I'm on my way up is the existence of selfies on the blog. This I took after the run. I feel great again. Running makes me happy that's all that I need to know and I have not run for a month now.  I went for the run this morning and it was not nearly long enough. I am now running at a pace where I feel like I can mostly run for an hour or so if I just keep it. Right Forest School... I think I will do physical resources then the digital and organisational resources. But first I must make Ghin breakfast.

The most annoying thing about me right now is I KNOW the formula for happiness and contentment because I put it together over the past thirty years. Literally I have. I have created this by beating the path out of my door. It has made me very sad at times. I admit I did give up the easy life, But watching Inside Job last night made me realise WHY i did that. If I had stayed I would have facilitated the mess which has been created where the rich walk through the raindrops with an even larger umbrella and everyone else and the planet is going to the dogs. I do have the comfort of saying I wan't part of that machine but I have paid every moment for it. From self doubt to my failed marriage to coming out of this madness into a world like this - everything everything is just so hard right now. But no matter, despite all those downsides, I know that I would have felt dirty all these years if I saw what was taking place and took part in it. It is ok for people who do not posse...

By the days we measure our lives. There are things which I cannot understand. There are things which will always make me wonder. There are things which I will ponder until the day I die. And that is ok. About thirty years ago I read The Gods Will Have Blood by Anatole France. In it he has a fictionalised account of the French Revolution and the Reign of Terror by Marat. Back then it was the book that more or less made me think we cannot have violent revolution. It will only create fear and horror. And replace one set of tyrants with another. But now reading it it is like a warning, a terrible fearing of the horrors which are about to take place. Also watching Inside Job , with mouth wide open - I knew how awful it was but what I did not realise was the way in which the people responsible for it were never caught. They were never made to be responsible for it. Hank Paulson, Bernanke, the list is not THAT long. A role call of nightmares. I think integrity is important but i...

I am twenty posts behind. It has been a strange day. Having drunk coffee at 4 pm I am wide awake. I was so sleepy earlier. Clearly coffee is the way to go. I have been having a crisis of confidence. But it's ok. It happens, especially during Mercury retrograde... it happens. We all need this.

Mercury Retrograde began on the 27th. That was when everything sort of fell apart. When I mean fell apar I mean when I sort of suddenly became very confused with everything. But now that I know the reason for the unglueing of the last few days I feel less bad. Ugh. Fecking Mercury Retrograde. So i cleaned the house and tidied the place and did laundry this evening. And did lots and lots of Irish. I am now teaching the children in my class Irish... it is a bit awesome.

Ok wow. That was a week that passed very swiftly. That was MAD. After this I'm going to go to bed with my diary and my journal and do some thinking about the next few months. Till December.  Be brutally honest with myself about what I need to do - the house is moving in the right direction. I have to say that so far things have gone so well and I am incredibly grateful. I really don't know what to say except thank you for this the universe. Thank you.  We have had a really successful copper smithing and a very successful series of forest school sessions so far. Honestly could I have asked for more? Not really. And I have such great colleagues as well. It has been quite a year so far.  Right I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow morning I will get up at 4 and clean and organise. Then think very carefully about what the rest of the year means for me and what I can and must do.