Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

Finished the finances... I need to go for a business finance course to help me manage these things... The class on Slemish... The sun actually came out for us. Apparently there is a saying - April borrows the first three days from March. March is officially the crappiest month in Ireland. I have decided. But hey - I have had a GOOD YEAR with elements... I am so happy. 

Can't QUITE believe we are at the end of March. Longest first three months of the year EVER!!! I am soooo looking forward to the end of April. I am hoping that it will indeed be all over and done with. But yesterday we did so many things - we made nettle soup watched the play, we finished off the Easter eggs... I only EVER sit down in the teacher's room. If you want a job that has you on your feet all day, teach. In many ways it is the job that is for me. Every day is new, every day is different, I have to learn new things every day - every day is fascinating and the children of course make it all worth while. For a while I did wonder if I did really enjoy this - and then Covid happened and I realised how much I missed the children. I literally CANNOT imagine not working with children any more. Literally. It is impossible. Today we head up Slemish. I was sooo tired when I got back yesterday, that I just fit for nothing. I made dinner and then had a meeting with Jemma and fell a...

I was researching into Kuan Yin - apparently the moniker Goddess of Mercy - was given to her by Jesuits. Kuan Yin was most certainly not a goddess - she was a Bodhisattva which is to say a human which had escaped reincarnation and was able to enter nirvana - but chose to stay back and help humanity until everyone escaped the scourge of reincarnation. It occurs to me that actually reincarnation and the whole escaping nirvana thing is a paradox. If everyone was able to avoid reincarnation then the entire planet would be a great place to live in and you wouldn't want to leave it after all.  The other thing which occurred to me while I was doing the drawing was the debt of gratitude which China owes India. As I was reading the article on Kuan Yin, the idea that in India and China, in Europe and the Middle East, as I am sure if we looked at other spiritual systems, was the similarity between saints all over the world. People who sacrificed their own self interest...

The most annoying thing about getting old is the body just being unable to keep up. When I say keep up I mean - I guess I mean - how active I used to be and how now, well... it is a little bit like when I was pregnant and your body then ended up saying no - not doing this. Except that now, it is just a constant. Well not a constant - but like for instance, for a long time now I have been afraid of going down mountains and slopes. I know this can be overcome if I put in lots of physical work - I think that would be ok, but between the job and the other job, I am completely exhausted. Of course too much screen time does not help either. Although this weekend I was so exhausted. Someone gave me this - delivered it to my door - it may have even been Dearbla herself Thankfully I am not SO EXHAUSTED because I have a toddler. I cannot even imagine that. Yesterday I showed Emma the Amy Poehler and Tina Fey sketch of the 'Meet your second wife' game show sketch. It is hilarious because ...

I spent the Friday and Saturday feeling very sorry for myself. I don't do sick. I hate being sick. I used to power through them but I have since decided that powering through cold and whatnots is for heroes and I am not a hero. So instead I spent a largely delirious day on the safe rewatching Series 2 of Lucifer which is as about as much as my brain could take. I was supposed to leaflet Armagh and I am glad it was cancelled. I thought I would rally by 3 pm but nothing of the sort took place. So I took a hot shower and tried to clean the kitchen and failed dismally. This was when I texted Ghin to say that i wouldn't be seeing him this weekend because I was sick and just could not even. I then gave Garry the rest of the tuna in the can - that was waaaay too much tuna for the week btw - and then I lapsed in and out of sleep while Lucifer played in the background. I ate the rest of the pineapple up. At 22.10 Ghin called and asked me to get him. It is impossible to know what goes th...

From different years... all in the past ten at least... Something strange happened to me today - this morning I was reading a post about Irish Women Writers and then it struck me that I suddenly felt this upwelling of hope once more. It has happened really quickly. It started last night sort of. When I did the last post about suffering and acknowledged how I had come through the fire which had been brought on by an email from Anthony. I realised how I had cut myself off from feeling anything, even as recovered from my wounds through suffering - there is literally no other way to heal than to suffer. Suffer and time. And then I realised how relieved I felt I had done it. To stand in the truth. To no longer be smothered by the horrendous situation I had found myself in. To be able to say I am not carrying this burden any more. Than today, I realised that the last three months - since the New Year - has been so fucking hard. Whether it was the last throes of the divorce process, or the ho...

Nearly ten years ago I learnt the meaning of suffering. Why do we suffer and what can we learn from it? I think that the point of suffering is to survive it. And to come through it. It is a kind of purification. I can't quite believe that I could have ever felt that way and I know for a fact I will never feel that way again. Something inside me changed irrevocably and I am better for it. I was blooded into the human race - but let's not kid ourselves about it, it has taken me the best part of ten years to recover from it. When had I recovered though - probably when I stepped out of that house for good - which was on The Autumn Equinox 2020. I will never forget it. What made me finally go, nah, I can't do this anymore. And that was the day I left all the suffering behind. All the lessons which had been set in motion since 2013 came to an end and there I was. I had finally thrown in the towel and acknowledged the dismal failure of the relationship, but also I was free. There ...

  I can't quite believe that I get to do this - be with children in such a beautiful country. Northern Ireland is beautiful, really. Today we were talking about Patrick and Slemish and they were all so excited about climbing Slemish. Maybe we will see Patrick there Stephanie - well I said, Patrick if he were alive today would be 1,600 years old. Oh to be so young that you think it would be possible to see Patrick. Oisin is such a first child. Fearless, ground-breaker, risk-taker, fight-maker - he reminds me so much of myself. Honestly - I am only here because I said two posts every day until the end of this month... today it felt kinda wonderful the spring being here and all... But these photos tell me everyday how lucky I am. I have nothing, not a single thing which I can complain about. Life is just wonderful. I have been recalling some sad times with a friend over our painful experiences with the RSPB from more than ten years ago. I never ever talk about it, but recently we had ...

I always remember the boys happy. They seldom seemed upset or cried. Perhaps it is selective memory on my part... but when I look back at these unearthed photos, I remember all the good times and being conscious that I was  building up good times. Good memories for them. Something which they could perhaps lock away, or use to lay down strong foundations. I really did try my best - and here they are, these good memories, as best I could have made them. I am here because I promised two posts a day. There is nothing more to be said really... for today. Apart from I have a sore throat and my remedy for sore throat now is paracetemol. There is no point suffering through a sore throat. I wonder what will happen to people's jobs now that ChatGPT has automated all the thinking bits. the coding and the horrible grunt work which writers are associated with. Which copywriter wishes that they didn't have a machine to write yet another stupid leaflet about a product which they have no emoti...

Never doubt that we love each other... these are the moment which made up my life in the past 22 years. I would be lying if I said that not ALL of my identity came from being a mother. I was a mother before I was anything else in the past 22 years. Yes I was also working full-time in conservation, yes that IS true, but it is also true that nothing compared to making sure I did what I could for those boys. I did my best. The one day of the year which I am allowed to use that phrase now. The birds are singing something powerful outside now. Everything in my life has changed. I could not be further away from Singapore which I detested. Which I still detest. My hatred for Singapore was visceral and irrational. It was merited and warranted. But it was also blinding. I had a total blinding rage towards it which has faded with time. With time it has become tempered with the rest of my life which I have made for myself. I have worked very very hard to create a life which Singapore did not want...

I have to start painting again....

I have been clearing out my computer to make it faster. It hasn't really worked but it has shown me that I am far more organised than I give myself credit for. I also managed to download all my school files to the cloud... and then I saw all these old photos... just amazing memories... from a time I was so so sad but these boys made me so so happy. I am so grateful for everything they have given me. Ghin has gotten his teeth fixed. And as far me... I have spent over four hours sorting out my computer and it does feel better. It feels like I am now organised again. I don't know if it will make it faster... I hope it does. Well I think I have earned some sleep... after I do my lesson plan. Then I get up at 4 am tomorrow and do it all over again...