13.3.26 - 69 - Day #8: In this and other realms

I never thought that I would end up being a 'carer'. Probably the same way I never thought I would be a 'mother'. It is a less certain path. Often the care of the most important people in our lives are farmed out to people whom we believe are better placed at doing the literal back breaking work of life.

If I had lived in Singapore, I wouldn't be able to think about looking after Pa full-time. The default position would be to 'get a maid' or 'helper'. But because Ma has said she is dead against getting one, I have said that I would come back to help with Pa.

Of course it wasn't helping. Unless you could helping him cross over.

It is not easy. It is as if we are now back to looking after an infant - interrupted nights and learning on the job. Wondering how it can be done better. I have learnt how to change a sheet with the person still in the bed, how to help them sit up and how to make sure they are comfortable. When looking after a baby you do so because you feel so wholly responsible for them - with a parent, it is a same, with the added layer of gratitude. As I tend to him, I am thinking of the times, all of the times. Yesterday, while I was swimming I was crying. I was crying because I was thinking of the different timeline, where I did manage to have another summer with him.

At the hospital, Jac and I discussed how apparently pointless the medical system was. All the visits and all the testing and all the medication... and still they managed to miss the cancer. And the cancer manging to advance so suddenly - from being ok in the end of January to sleeping 24/7. Refusing all food since last Monday. 

We are giving him electrolytes and glucose. He now is able to drink the water without spitting it out or throwing it up. He is mostly sleeping well. But he is restless. This is normal apparently. And it is the most benign of the restlessnesses. Yati is such a great help. She has been supporting us with the laundry and floor mopping. Every now and then she drops in and makes him laugh. I am also learning from her what to do. He is still strong, she says. 

He registered for home hospice care. The doctor asked if we had help. Jac pointed to me. 

Singapore has become small again to me. Just the club and Gardens, which is this sort of Busytown anomaly in Singapore which is filled with concrete shopping malls and stuffed with people and flats. In Gardens, we live in this microcosm and relative to the rest of Singapore it is a peaceful little oasis.

We are here because Kong Kong - Jacob Chan - bought a house when the Brits left Singapore. This used to be a British enclave, where the soldiers lived. When they fucked off, leaving us to fend for ourselves, these houses were available and Kong Kong bought one of them. Since then, four of his children have taken to living here. Ma, Uncle Gab, Auntie Gerry and Uncle Theodore. These houses were affordable for people earning very middle class salaries. God knows who you need to be now to have one of these sweet little offerings.

Anyway... I'm giving Pa a drink at 12 and then I head out for a run at the club followed by a swim... hopefully... then I'm back. 

After that I'll do some writing and some elements work. I can see Pa walking in an out and kissing me on the head. He is smiling at me and giving me a thumbs up. He is telling me airing my running gear on the porch is immodest. He is asking Ma what time lunch is. Ma replies for a sixth time its at 1 pm. He goes back to the bedroom to do Suduku. Ma tells me he is very forgetful... I am tremendously grateful I have spent so many many days and years with them. In another timeline I had another summer with them... but I do not have another summer. I had - we had - what we had. And that was far more than enough.