8.3.26 - 61 - Day #3

The obligatory Itzu sushi

It's difficult to believe I've only been here for 3 days. This is the start of my third day. It feels like it's been 3 weeks. So, the days are going slowly. I spoke to Oisin last night and I said to him that he shouldn't feel obligated to come. He was quite short with me. But I said, I'm not saying stay safe, I'm saying I'm just giving you an off ramp in case you think that you need to go through with this and if you didn't people would think you were a flake. I'm just saying.

He was oh right, that's alright. Then he said that not taking a risk was the biggest risk of all. I said, I understand, I left to go to a war zone you know. It was a kind of madness as people saw it, but I didn't think it was madness. It was madness if I stayed.

Pa only had 2 eggs and half a can of Coke yesterday. He is getting a little weaker everyday. We are extremely responsive to his needs and we make him as comfortable as we can. Ma had a strange dream last night. I had a strange time leap as well. I was woken by the boys' voices, laughing in the room, as they did when they were children. When I came to, I realised that 24 years had passed and they had all had their childhoods and grown up. That they were now adults and... I am so glad that I didn't miss a second of their childhoods. I wish I remembered it for, but that's what this blog has done, and also, I knew that while I was their mother, I was utterly present for them. 

I was with them every step of the way. I understand now that people who miss their children's childhood actually do not regret not missing it. They don't have the capacity to miss it. But must have, because while it was unfolding before me, I told myself, I must be fully present because I mustn't miss a thing. And so I haven't. There for it all.

Time is such a strange thing. It is always moving and always standing still. This moment is all we have and all the moments add up to each other. They all join up. One second becomes several and soon an entire day is created and it is over.

I sit with Pa, slightly regretting having been so mean to him when he was genuinely annoying. But I was prepared for him to be genuinely annoying later on. And now, it is too late.

So, I sit there and I speak with him. I listen to him, I hold his hand and I laugh. I tease him. He can barely hear. I told Ma, after she woke me at 1.30 am with Pa wanting paracetamol, saying his stomach hurt, that he had been given 3 to 6 months. But I don't know how much longer he really does have.

She listens to sermons and to AI videos of Carlo Acuti. 

I am so glad I did come. So so glad, even if it means not being with the boys, whom I mis desperately. I spoke with Oisin yesterday and he told me that he was on his own with Gary. It was shining in Belfast. It's shining here too.

Or it will be. There has been no rain since I arrived.

I'll go for a run soon.

My third. I went for one on Friday, yesterday and now, today. 

So, this is Day #3.

The fucking USA. Is the rest of the world not going to stand up to it and bloody Israel. Once again, the planet is being led by so called strong men. They are not strong men. They are evil men. And how weak other people are - people who could do something about it, it is a testament to how evil these people are.