Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

This week's blackboard drawing Today, after a spell of not running, I went out again. I had to drag myself because 'I didn't feel like it'. I know this cycle. I don't feel like it so I never go and I never go cos I don't feel like it. In the end, it was Oisin who kicked me up the butt yesterday. We were heading somewhere, driving and he said to me... no it was yesterday evening, I was telling him I was very tired and he said to me you need to go for a run. You will feel better. Stop sleeping. And he was right, of course. As soon as I landed back in the home, I was a totally different person. I stretched, I did my sit ups, I took a bath. And then it was like my brain had been power hosed. For the rest of the day, I cleared the classroom, swept it, sorted out the notice board, cooked a simple lunch, went to collect Ghin from the house, had a walk, came home, fell asleep for a short while, then woke up and cleaned the house. Got a load of laundry in, sorted out...

I am responsible for my own happiness. This Lent: I am giving up sugar, crisps and the iPad for TV streaming. I am also going to run for 25 minutes everyday and stretch for ten minutes even if it kills me. I am going to write fiction everyday. For the next 43 days. This is what brain fog is doing to me. Having warned myself about Mercury Retrograde now for weeks, I keep forgetting about it and I end up wondering why I am so tired, I want to hide, feel miserable for no reason. That is what Mercury Retrograde and brain fog have conspired to bring me this time. Knowledge and confusion. It has been a really lost week. I have become, more or less, unstuck in life. It has been so hard and it is Mercury Retrograde. There can't be anything else. Well, I now have two choices. I can go to ground - willingly, or I can kick it in the ass. It does feel like life has defeated me a bit really. So yes, I am going to have to kick it in the ass even if it kills me. I will die kicking Merc...

Print of oak - test print Today I had to stay home with Ghin. I did some gardening, a lot of my printing homework. I wrote nine small poems about nine native trees of Ireland. I also did nine cut outs. The 'book' is going to be called 'Seeing the Trees' - a take on the saying 'seeing the wood from the trees'. I was going to call it Seeing the Trees from the Wood, but it was too long. So here they are, the nine trees. They are arranged from order of what I call season. Willow begins it. All of them are female spirits - dryads, as it were. But Irish dryads. Willow Keeper of secrets Woodwoman of the loom Feline flowered salix Winter's finest moon Hazel Nine nuts nibbled Silvery sleek salmon Wisdom's wrought wound Hawthorne Greenest leafe Fairest crowne Reddest berrie Sharpest thorne Birch Within your wooden veins Rises spring's sweetest song Oak Matriarch of the Mantle Your sinewy arms encircle Our glade's compr...

Hrana Janto If there was one stage of life which I always felt happiest with, looked forward to the most, it was becoming a crone. To me she was always the healer, the sage. To me she was wisdom incarnate. The stars, the earth whispered things to her and she understood them. She knew what plants would bring comfort, she knew how to carry souls to the after life. She knew about babies. She loved and nursed and she cared. She was wild, untamed. Gummy. She was a bit mad. She was herself. She was utterly herself. What I was not prepared for was the hormones. In many ways, the hot flushes I could deal with. In hindsight they were the easy bit. The overture to what I am clearly undergoing now which is a full scale raging assault which is bringing to birth my new body. And I have no idea which way is up. I need to acknowledge now that if I am to remain sane, I need to do certain things. For a start, like a proper old person I take four supplements to start my day. Iron, magnesium, ...

Gardening is hard work. My arms and legs are so so sore. But a good sore. I'm hoping to do an hour when I get back today from school. Continue clearing the back. The garden is looking great. It is so satisfying. Gardening should be about doing the least amount of work and things looking fantastic. This is because when we do the least about of work, the garden has the least impact. And this is good for the animals. I think the days of gardening on steroids is over. The high maintenance garden. It has, it must, now all be about recognising that the garden is a shared space - and not just shared with the humans, but also the animals. So, for example, I left the beech mast on the ground all of winter for the wood pigeons to feast on. We often came home to find a pair pecking away at the rich harvest. This made the house look quite messy, but it was for the birds.  Then as I cleared it, I saw lots of skates and bugs. This would be good for other birds so I piled the leaves and ...

Back to gardening... Man I am good at this... I am good at gardening. I really am. It is something I am good at. Really. I began at 1030 this morning and just kept on at it till 1.30. I cleaned the front of the house then began at the back. To think I had no idea what to do twenty years ago. Now I handle each tool with a degree of skill and knowledge. I am REALLY proud of myself. I really am good at gardening. Which is just as well. Since I plan to be teaching it in schools. By the time I was done, I had cleared all the mast, composting most of it. I had replanted the clematis whose root stock was now growing back. I began clearing out the back and bit by bit reclaimed everything. It has been a good day. We also did an Asian supermarket shop as well as tried the new boba tea place. Then I came home and cooked TWICE. I am knackered. Waking up at 4 am tomorrow to start the week right. Oh yes, I also went for my run. It has been an amazing day. OK I need to do lesson ...

Sunny days to come... this year will be my last summer in this garden... It is what it is... it is time to give thanks and let go. This holiday Oisin and Ghin repainted their room, cleared it out and then installed the Internet of all Things. Just in their room. Using Alexia, a thing which Ghin had pestered Peter to buy for Christmas three years ago, they have fitted a voice operated light which turns on and off, dims and brightens at a voice command as well as on programme. Oisin has also got Alexia to sort out the music and a morning alarm. So today they woke at 7 am to Bach and Joe Hasahasi. Just like that the Internet of all Things has arrived to our house. It will only be a matter of time before they decide to hook up all kinds of other things I think. I have to say that it is great cos one of the annoying things about their room is that they dont want a reading lamp so having a light which turns on and off is what you need. Of course there is the radiation, but you know... i...

2011 - 9 years ago... who knew the life that was waiting ahead for us huh? 2013 - my babe Ghin 2014 0 post run My god, how were we that young? Look at all that grey hair - it was there even back then... I saw the original of this print last month... Yesterday we ended up in Donegal - I went there for the valuation. It was a bit disappointing, but that's ok. Times are ok... so the price was ok. But the thing was there was a leak in a pipe in the roof and we were very lucky that the people who were there were Stefan and Veronica. We mopped up and made sure that they were alright and then we left. There are many questions regarding the house. These holidays were holidays where things were done and sorted out. The boys - I spent a lot of time with the boys - and it was a sweet feeling. Oisin especially. There is a sweetness in Oisin which I am deeply grateful for. Ghin was flexing his muscles and of course he does this from time to time and that's ok, but...

Reading glasses are a must Tomorrow I dye my hair again Haven't done one of these lately... This has been a healing holiday. A holiday of quietude and silence - and staying home, and lots of laughter. We spent the day around Belfast and then Holywood... we just enjoyed each other's company. I felt it soooo deeply as I knew that these were the last few months before Oisin began to start to live his own life. Ghin riding in the back, Oisin laughing in the front. Both of them chatting and kidding about. We went to Bia Rebel to have ramen - and it was delicious. There was the tea egg which Oisin loves, and we had karage chicken. Not as well friend as I'm used to, but it was good. We had this amazing ice cream and ate till we were full. Then we went to get a prescription for Oisin's ringworm and after that headed into Holywood. There was rain, there was sun, it was pitifully cold. We laughed and joked with each other to make the time pass. People spending time w...

Tearing paper It was like being back in the 19th century - working in a William Morris type room. OMG just the delight of being with the machines which he would have worked with, from the time he worked, it was just so amazing. And the smell of linseed oil - to think that people are doing this now... this is what I was born to do artistically. So I now have a new journey and this one is going to keep going I think. The camaraderie and the niceness of people. It was hard graft - it wasn't some cute workshop. I was like the blacksmithing of paper. There was lots of cleaning, cast iron things which could injure you, and of course, PAPER!!!! Just the paper. When I went to the paper making factory in Hemmel Hempstead I was soooo happy. This is where the dots are joined.  This is what I am going to do for the rest of my life as a hobby. I am going to start doing printmaking. I love life. I really, really do. I am so lucky. Us and the machines My first background! ...

Atlatean humour I said nothing, but my face clearly said, "Excuse me, Atlantis?" I believe that an interview technique if the person is telling you something you need to suspect your judgement on is to repeat what they just said - mirror it back to them. So I said, "Your home is Atlantis." She smiled and nodded. It was hard not to think that maybe just maybe it was dementia. She didn't look like she had dementia though. So I had a choice, to take her seriously, or dismiss it. However, since she was so reclusive and there seemed to be something genuine about this claim, or at least her belief about this claim, I decided to just go with it. "Atlantis. Tell me more... didn't it disappear many years ago?" I knew nothing about Atlantis, truth me told. I was at a complete loss here... "Many, many years ago." "How many?" "About 20,000," she laughed and then continued, "give or take." "So, y...

Was Portmore created by a meteor? Seems likely right? Yesterday I was in the Ballinderry area, so I went to Portmore Lough. I hadn't been there for nearly eight years. In fact the last time I was there I wasn't working at Steiner. That's how long it had been. I don't know what I expected to see. I know that Kevin had been working there for ages... The drive to Portmore was full of memories. Memories, mostly of Eddie. Remembering every road we had driven together, talking and laughing, often with Oisin. Sometimes with both him and Ghin. We had been to every pub in the area for lunch. If I ever did call into Portmore, I'd go see Eddie. Honestly, working in the RSPB was not hard compared to working in school. Teaching is hard graft. There were no levels of stress apart from the ones that idiots gave you. I literally loved my job. Admittedly it did get a bit boring - I mean how many Big Garden Bird Watches can you do right? But as I drove there, I remembered...

The map is inverted - America should be on the left. I suppose that was what is called, 'my big break'. The call was for an exclusive interview with a reclusive artist who lived in Craxton and the person who had been assigned the story was unable to cover it. We drove through the night in order to make it for the 6 am appointment. As we drove, I read up on her. There was not a lot to go on, of course. There was a reason why the Editor so desperately wanted the interview. It would be an international coup and make headlines. The issue would almost certainly sell out, there were many pluses. It would be years, if at all, before she granted another interview. It wasn't very clear why she had done it in the first place. I looked at the dossier - it most mostly filled with her work. Her sculptures sold for millions and were found all over the world. They were unmistakable, something between architecture and organic. But also dream and waking consciousness. They were m...

FREDERIC VARADY McCall's - 1957 This holiday has been ridiculously productive so far. I'm not gonna be smug cos, you know... I was smug before, but I managed to write, start running, finish the laundry, clean Ma's place, do laundry THERE, unblock the sink by removing the ubend, get loads of paperwork in order, get finances in order, etc, etc... then I came home and just lazed about. Yeah sure I could have done more here, but it's the holidays, what you gonna do right? I know I need down time too. So I watched lots of catch up TV. Finished The Good Place , AGAIN, cos I didn't really pay attention to the last series and had no idea what was happening, finished Good Omens , watched two episodes of Death in Paradise and then watched The Pale Horseman , which was weird. I made dinner for the boys - miso soup and flavoured rice - and then went to bed at 8 pm. I toldja - it was ridiculously productive. I know, I should have tidied a bit more, but the entire house ha...

It is there, somewhere. I just know it. I have always craved adventure and the new has always been distracting. Not for me the drudgery of the everyday. Which is why when the time came and I had to start earning my keep, I chose to become a photojournalist for a highly acclaimed publication. Now that sounds really cool, but in truth, I did NOT start off as a photojournalist. I began as a dogsbody in the office. In fact, I began by begging for a job. Of course I was turned down on more than one occasion but I was young enough to feel no shame, and shameless enough to keep on going, so eventually, after weeks of begging, I was eventually assigned - unpaid - to the development room of the office. Pig in shit did not begin to describe it. Sure, I was earning nothing, and I lived with four other people in a very small flat on the small income as waiter in the other job I had, but I was over the moon. I did everything gophers did. I brought people coffee, I opened mail, I took phonec...

Pavel Ignatyev, contemporary Russian painter "Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos" Recently, my sense of self came under attack. Well... our sense of self is always under attack, isn't it? But recently, it was there, like a buzzing in my head. The buzzing was not the who am I... it was the attack itself. And it took me a long time identify it. It manifested itself in my doubting myself without even knowing I was doing it. That is why these attacks are so insidious. You don't even realise that it is happening. Then, yesterday, through sheer will, I managed to get my shit together. The housework, which I realise is very important for me, almost as bad as the buzzing in my head, in fact it IS part of the buzzing if it isn't done... I got it together, and realised I was not a bad person at all. And my mom saying all those things you have - they are all gifts from people, are they not? And I realised I was being an idiot. And that is when it happened... This mornin...

Blessings This morning my mom asked me to show her the bag which Ghin had given me from the trip to Florence. I said, sure. And I showed it to her. It is a very very fine bag. Really perfect sized, well made, local craft by local woman. Just excellent workmanship. And so practical, yet another wonderful thing to add to my collection of awesome things given to me by my sons. I was drinking espresso which I had made from my espresso thingy which was given to me some Valentine's Day ago from an espresso cup and saucer which had been given to me from a charity shop by Ghin, it was a proper Italian job with Italian design in gold and all, and stirring in the xylitol using the spoon from Firenze... and my mom said, so your sons are looking after you. It is true. They look after me so well. They are so sweet and adorable. I then picked something else up and my mom said, wasn't that a gift from someone else? And suddenly I noticed I was SURROUNDED by presents which people had ...

Artist unknown I spent most of today sleeping - I was really so tired. At some point I wondered to myself, is there something wrong with me? Maybe I should get tested... but I don't want to be told I have low iron levels. Everything is slowly falling apart anyway. The entire world is falling apart. I know I keep on saying this, but it is really happening. Our second extreme storm in two weeks. It doesn't matter, what matters are my sons. That matters. I am not going to pretend everything is ok. I'm not going to pretend that things have improved in general since five years ago, cos they haven't. Five years ago we were mere innocents. Now we live in a world in which no one trusts each other and everyone is terrified of what appears to be a fairly straightforward virus. I have a plan for the next year, three years and the next five years. It will take me to my mid 50s. I have this vision of what I will be. I feel tired right now, which is so unlike me real...