Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Sitting in the sunshine in winter and doing maths Well it is Thursday. We began the Renaissance this week and it has been going well. In fact it went so well yesterday that I left the class feeling great. And yesterday I found out why a child found it so hard to concentrate. There is this thing called the ego organisation. If it is absent then the person's behaviour becomes erratic and uncertain. They sort of become vampires on other people's egos - they are reaching out for other people's egos. So, often with people like this they need one to one attention - and of course if it is in a small school, it is easier for this to happen. I am going to take a massive risk at the start of the next Class One which I do and talk about the importance of certain things - and talk about the Steiner understanding of the human body. The ego is the part of the HB which helps it to say the 'I'. If the ego does not incarnate - and there are many rea...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Cooking pasta over an open fire I am bone tired. Never ever dancing again during school weeks. Never. I also need to start reading fiction again. It has been ages. I do so much of research for the main lessons and reading fiction is impossible. I fall asleep after three minutes, sometimes less, in bed. It was funny yesterday, I told the class we were doing Forest School no matter what and they did enjoy themselves. Some children aren't used to being outdoors and so its hard for them. But it is important they learn that you can do things which are truly fun, enjoy the company of each other, cook things over fires, simple things. I am amazed at the heat you get off an open fire. We made pasta in a pot with some passata. Next week we are going to have a pita pizza... see they ARE learning new things, I tell myself. For a start that you can put a pot on an open fire. I got up late today, or I came to the writing late today - because it was so hard ...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Starting the Renaissance with the class It has been almost a month since I kept this up. I have to say I am exhausted. Not because of this, but just because my life is ludicrously busy. It just is. I have a feeling that winter is going to last and last. It seems like it arrived late and so there is a good chance that we will have cold lengthening days. I wonder if people pay such close attention to how they feel and what they think? I don't really think so. People probably just sleepwalk through life, not really caring. Perhaps they have been taught not to care. Yesterday I did Love Sonnets with Class 7. There was a lot of laughter. The idea that you could be so in love with someone whom you never speak to... I suppose what I am trying to give to them is a different way of seeing love. Perhaps just introducing people to a different kind of conversation about love and that is best done through literature. Right, I am just going to have my breakfas...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Cleaning the house and doing the laundry. That is what true virtue feels like. So I hoovered the house - the second time in two weeks, which is a lot. I am really REALLY trying. I also caught up with laundry and did the weekly shop. It came to £50. but I did forget the oat milk. Doing the weekly shop has saved us at least £40 a week. Very useful at this time of the year. I also did loads of reading and class prep yesterday. The Renaissance. You think you know it, until you start trying to grasp it. Then it becomes this massive monster. I think it is really impossible to know the Renaissance. History is literally an impossible project. After the Renaissance, well these three weeks of it, we go back into science and chemistry. It has been just a roller coaster ride the past year in terms of subjects. Today's blog is gonna have to be short cos I did not wake up at 4 am to finally write down the class lesson. It is impossible. What do i start with firs...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Going to see The Favourite I really like this having to do things for me. It stops me from slumping down and not doing stuff. I did not however get the house cleaned and other such chores I should have done, it was very annoying. But also entirely my fault. The dancing yesterday made me realise something - I don't know if I can do this every month - unless I of course just dance and come home early. I love dancing but I am a bit too old to do this all night. I didn't dance btw. I just walked from pub to pub and that was enough. So, after almost a month of doing things which have helped my will, I have also noticed things which are better and more nourishing for me... so there needs to be some kind of rethink around things I have chosen to do. For instance, I have definitely changed in the way I understand the world. It is still amazing and wonderful, but I don't feel it the same way I feel it when I was younger. The thing though is that...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: GOING DANCING!!!! And finally PLAYING THE PIANO Well yesterday I dragged my sorry ass outside after 9 pm and WENT DANCING... well this was more the night. Duke of York, Harp, John Hewitt, Spaniard, Lavery's and HOME. Cos we was kicked out, what with closing time and all. But we did get a teeny weeny dance in. So the thing I have discovered are the following about going out in Belfast: 1. If you want to dance you cannot go out on Friday cos no one dances in Belfast on a Friday. Who knew? 2. The Spaniard is the nicest pub in Belfast with the best people 3. In Lavery's anyone will want to take you home, even if you are almost 50 years old. 4. Friends are AWESOME. That is why we have them. 5. You must never drink wine in pubs. 6. I have no idea how to have a nice night out cos I lost an entire part of my youth - I was mostly studying or trying to change the world. But I am learning now. It has been an utterly amazing week. I know that I sort o...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Visiting a friend/s house to wish her happy birthday Time passes, that we can be sure. I cannot understand this idea that time can move backwards and forwards. I understand it is relative, it feels relative, but it is only relative to the clock. But that we can recover time - ? It doesn't make sense. Time is an illusion only because we have something to measure it by - otherwise... all I know is that it passes and it does so in a straight line. There is a past present and future - I understand that there are several presents and several pasts and several futures and I understand the desire for a multiverse theory - but really, I don't subscribe to anything like that taking place in my experience. There are differing points of view. But that has nothing to do with time, that occurs within time. I have looked at the idea that within a singularity we can dip in and out of time, that time bends back into itself, but that of course is theoretical - an...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Telling the story of Joan of Arc and seeing how engaged everyone was Today was tough, getting up. Mostly because I couldn't decided what to do next. We had finished Joan and Eleanor and it was incredible - but somehow it seemed wrong to move on to the next topic. I thought that maybe for the next two days... what would we do? Brian Boru? It seemed wrong too... I looked to medieval medication, food, cities, societies.... but that all didn't seem to fit, and then, I thought, let us do an improve play on Joan of Arc. We could have three groups doing three plays and I could help one group... it would be so nice for them to do something different. So today we could do the plays in three groups and then we could do the play as a whole class tomorrow and that would be really nice. I do most of my class planning in bed - whether it is research, reading, thinking or planning. In fact most of my time is spent thinking about what we do next. It is all consu...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: It snowed! The robin I did yesterday - it will be a present for a friend When I draw it is always magical, I never feel like its me drawing It was tough waking up today - I went to bed very very tired and really, it was so cold that it was hard to get up and out of bed when the warmth of the bed was so alluring. I wrote, ran, did the laundry, cooked and did class prep. But I was so tired yesterday for some reason. It is hard really functioning at this level all the time - but hey, I am - and there are the weekends. I'm supposed to try and go dancing this weekend. We'll see. I'm not complaining now - I'm just glad I'm here. Things feel a bit flat again. Who can account for the human being's emotions? Although I have noticed that I'm a lot better since I began running again. And drawing. I didn't manage to play my piano yesterday, but that's ok. I'll do it today, alongside the book binding. Also yesterday...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Running in the frosty morning, beneath a lunar eclipse, listening to the onset of the Dawn Chorus I am a wee bit late for the appointment with my angel this morning. An hour to be exact. So i'm gonna take half an hour for the run to do this because if I don't, I will be something was missing. I did loads yesterday, even a new drawing of a robin. It was the wrong paper, but it is ok. The robin was adorable and I'll try to upload it later. I chose robin because I had forgotten Anthony's book at Ma's house, so I'll get it today along with the books i was reading there. Oisin is at Heidi's to the piano practice as to be at Ma's house, which is just as well. It is very cold today, the coldest it has been this winter. We haven't been used to it since it has been seven degrees and more most of the time. We are having real frosts and running yesterday was treacherous on the frosty bits. But it was nothing like running in t...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Walking up Slemish Slemish is absolutely beautiful. I wonder why it is that women are drawn to doing the following activities together.... walking, rowing, going to clubs, gigs... and I was just wondering what to men do together? Go for football matches? Drinking in pubs? Oh cycling, cos you know what, I nearly ran into a whole lot of them while driving. Are they AWARE of how ludicrous they look in their lycra? And their primary neon colours? Also why do men have to dress stupidly when they are together? When I was in the RSPB, admittedly this was 10 years ago, they would dress up in their combat camo and have their large telescopes and oilskins and look completely mad. I don't know, this uniform thing gets me. Maybe they also do fishing together? I suppose equipment + weird gear = men's groups? No wonder they are in such a state. I was talking to the boys yesterday about the Gilette ad and Oisin said, I think it is good. The ad is saying g...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Well, there were so many... but I think hanging out with Ghin, getting him new shoes for his birthday The week has metamorphosed into a really nice routine. I think I have it licked. The only thing I have to do now is add the Piano and Art and we are gonna be flying. It was very satisfying yesterday finally, after the fifth time restarting my knitting understanding what I was doing wrong. In fact, I am going to have to redo it again because I made the stitches too lose, but hey, that is what learning is about right? So yesterday went like this: Write Music - I listened to the music I had collected, that is now a Saturday thing Run Send Ghin to circus Met Lara at circus and gave her some old clothes of Ghin's Had coffee at ESTD Walked to TK Maxx and got some nice things Collected Ghin Burger King - Saturday is junk food day Back home, chillax, watched Silent Witness Had yesterday's stew Got Oisin to circus Exchanged shoes for Ghin, g...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Taught kids how to use the sewing machine. It is 7.30 - the power of the meeting with the angel... here I am, writing on a Saturday, before running. It is now most certainly a thing. I've decided to get Sportify Premium, I can't bear all the stupid interruptions and purposely obnoxious ads which they put into it. I now have 25 songs in my 2019 playlist and I am sure it will increase as the days go by. Already January has been so productive. I am now only having my wine, a bottle, on the weekend. On Friday night, it is the thing I look forward to on Friday evening, as I cook.  I have decided that pizza day is Thursday and Friday night will be stew night. Especially in winter. I made a great stew yesterday too. Beef and red wine stew. It was so yum.... loads of carrots and onions and we had it with gnocchi. And mash. It was so convivial. Cash was here - and having friends over on Friday is also awesome. Yesterday the boys went back to Ma...

Yesterday's Nice Thing: I am starting to learn to knit in a round, catching up with friends I woke up late today - when I say late I mean 5.45 and such is life now that I MUST do this before doing anything else. The term is beginning to take shape, as it often does by the end of the second week. Things are running themselves in and I have trips to Derry and other places for February. Tomorrow I go running then - after writing and it will be in the forest - I want to start there. I can't wait. I still have a cough but I can't not not run any more. Learning something new is always wonderful - and if it was something I always wanted to do it is even better. How beautiful is the world. Writing this everyday was such a good idea, I can't only highly recommend it - and starting it off with the one nice thing is even better. It just starts the day right. It really helps to refocus things correctly, reminds me of what I should be concentrating on, and not getting distra...

Yesterday's nice thing: A beautiful sunrise and the boys saying the lasagna I made was the best ever. Working on Frankenstein essay with Oisin. So, three nice things in fact. Today the class does perspective drawing and we also do the medieval cathedrals. It is strange living in the Middle Ages. There is so much which is known and also unknown. This is a really good example of how impoverished our knowledge of life can always be - we can never know something from the past fully - indeed we barely know anything in the present fully as well. Yesterday I had a nap at 5 and then I was pretty much done for the day - this was of course after cooking. Today we are knitting as a group ... and I have to get Oisin at 4.30 pm from school. Waking now I am getting used to the wrench in the bed. It is hard, but it is necessary. If I don't do this in the morning I will be slightly crazy in the day - this time is necessary to sit and think and process the day and everything in b...

Yesterday's nice thing: The boys and I had dinner and they told me it was very nice. It is interesting ... yesterday evening I was at the Holywood library and apparently the rule that one cannot speak loudly in libraries is no longer true. Cos there was a man who was talking on his mobile very loudly and two boys doing the same. The Holywood library is really very special. It is sad to think that public goods, our literal commons is being taken away from us - the world today is an awful and mean place and the values which drive it are not only cruel but also unsustainable. Unless those who are in charge are planning to kill every single one of those left out, we are going to have a problem on our hands. Well, I'm not saying much more on the topic. As we can see, Brexit is a totally stupid idea, not because it is inherently bad but because it is badly done. I don't think the British ever pulled out of anything without causing chaos and leaving those behind to clean the...

I have decided to open these entries with one nice thing that happened the day before. Yesterday's nice thing was Oisin did the laundry without being asked. This included folding all his clothes and putting them away. That really is nice right? I have been researching medieval cathedrals and it is inevitable that I would think about the chapel in CHIJ. I understand how blessed I was growing up in a place like CHIJ Victoria street, but I think, the way children who are blessed are happy but don't have a sense of how incredibly lucky they are, I didn't fully realise it, you know. I suppose the way in which the kids in our school don't realise how lucky they are. I grew up in the colonial centre of Singapore. The buildings were generous and beautiful, not something you associate with Singaporean architecture which tends to be very utilitarian. Because the school came from France, it tried to employ the French gothic style. So, it was neo Gothic and it was a place of san...

Two weeks and I am hoping this morning meet up with the angel is habit. I prised myself outta bed to be here - drink my glass of water before it all begins and.... viola! Yesterday was very very good. It began with me feeling blah and through a sheer act of will I started cleaning the house. It began very gently - first a wipe down of the oven which was a mess and then it moved on to laundry - folding and washing (4 loads, if you must know), followed by dusting my room, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, I did rhe weekly food shop, stayed in budget, cooked meals - twice, lunch and dinner - and swept the kitchen floor. All of these things sound very small, but together they have made a huge difference to the house. It feels so clean and rested. I am still not totally so I have decided to not run until this Saturday. Meanwhile all those running times will be converted into cleaning - that was actually how I began the cleaning yesterday, I was so desperate to run but couldn't, so I c...

Showing up to this... it has been a rough over the past few days. The January blues plus the state of the world... our civilisation is a sure sign that just because someone is better educated, just because we have a good standard of living, just because we have spirituality it does not mean that we are immune from stupidity. Or greed. Or lying. Or anything like that. Cruel people can have beautiful masks. Kind people can have ulterior motivations. I don't know why it is so hard right now to see the good in human beings. I find it so distressful that people are selfish and self serving. And I find it so distressful that the world doesn't see this somehow. And that we are doing the same things over and over again in the hope that somehow it will turn out different. It will not turn out different, of course. It will turn out the same. When there is no basic respect for each other, nothing will be different. That's enough of me being depressing then. I still haven't rea...

Is there anything nicer than a conversation with an old friend? No, I really don't think so. The way my life is right now I have massive amounts of conversation with loads of people everyday and a very close set of people I see all the time that there is barely any time to move outside that circle. So, when I do take a step outside it, it is a breath of fresh air. And that's what happened today. Just conversation and two drinks, catching up and talking about everything from everywhere. It is great to be in conversation with someone who is just there for conversation - and nothing else. But it was hard today because I have been really still unwell. My voice is on the way out... oh, but everything was made better by Oisin coming home and Ghin and myself and him had dinner together - well they had dinner and I joined them in conversation. Oisin talked about his trip to London and there was much to laugh about. He said because he was feeling unwell, he mostly slept through his ...

Well, it is almost the end of the second week of the year. It was super busy in school. After that I did some car things, then I went to visit a friend, calling in to make sure things were ok and to vent, came home and was yelled at, of course... it was interesting, or has been interesting this yelling, because I was able to stay very calm and not react. A page I took out of my sister's book actually. Well after I made dinner, I hung out with Ghin to watch three episodes of The Good Place, because I mostly couldn't move anymore, and then I went to bed at 7.45. I conked out straight away. I woke twice, 11.50 and 2 pm. For a short while, I looked at the clock, was super happy and then went back to bed. Because I am still recovering, I am going to take it easy. The schedule will not kick in until next week. To be honest next week is going to be awesome. I will have the run of the house and I will be able to do all the cleaning, etc in it. I hope to, by the end of next week, by...

Back to the front lines

Road to recovery. Today I woke up to two things: 1. A sensation in my heart which I have always associated with heartbreak It is an actual physical feeling. I feels like what a weird heart attack must feel like. I have always thought that it means I am sad about something or something dreadful is about to happen, but then, maybe because I have been so ill, a thought struck me: why have I thought it was a negative feeling? Why don't I just accept the feeling and ride with it? Enjoy it even. And at that moment it felt like all the awfulness I had been though over the last few days, that was worth it. Because at some point, it seemed like I had delved deep enough that nothing mattered any more. But I think that THIS is the reason why I woke up, had this feeling, which I would occasionally have and embraced it and it was because of this dream.... 2. I dreamt I was in Hawaii (which I had never been to) with my friends. We were on a bus to visit a lava field, when suddenly the air ...

Ill and dying

Sick and ill

It has been easy to do the writing and the running - for now. I know when term starts it will take all of my will to carry out even these simple things. The cleaning up has somewhat stalled in favour of binging series I have already watched before - Derry Girls. Yesterday we went to see Aquaman. I cannot believe that money can be spent on self indulgent rubbish like this. Artists have also lost their way. Their art is now being used in the same way craftsmen use their skills to come up with luxury liners for billionaires - or scientists who work on chemical weapons or engineers on bombs. The whole world presently seems compromised and corrupt. Is it any wonder that I have chosen to turn away from it? What is left? The small tiny bits that are left? They are dying. After they go we too will go. The Damned of the Compromised do not seem to understand this. You can have skill and intelligence and lack the ability to analyse, to read a situation. It appears it is now proven beyond doubt th...

Us in Bangor - and a rainbow Yesterday. Was a day that seemed to last forever, like woodsmoke after a fire has been extinguished. And that seemed another unasked for surprise. On the last day of the holidays we got up at Ma's house. We hadn't gone home last night. It was 8 am when we shook the sleep from our eyes and decided to head back. I kissed the door of the bedroom and thanks the house for looking after us another night. Then we got into the car and drove home. I wrote and then ran, and then after that - it was 10.30, I had intended to go to Derry, but Ghin was too sick to travel. So we ate ate General Merchants and then headed around the Ards Peninsula. Everytime I drive the peninsula, or visit it, I understand it more and more. For such a small piece of land, it is so rich in history. And it has some geological quirks as well. The tide tides inside Strangford and an hour behind the tide times on the Irish Sea because of the narrow entrance to the Lough. So you...