Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

I caught a chill in Donegal on Sunday. We were standing in this really cold stone house and you know when the chill suddenly gets under your clothes and into your lungs through your chest? Well, that happened to me. So now i am utterly dosed up. I am working through the sorethroat and the drippy nose, but i must admit, i am behaving a bit martyrish. It's because i don't have anyone to mommy me. Isn't so unfair - how come mommys don't have mommys? I'm blogging because i didn't manage to do it this morning before i set off to work. I find now that if i don't blog my thoughts stay in my head and buzz around - not unlike a few annoying bluebottles that you can't really swipe because they aren't real!! But they are real and when i don't blog, i can be thinking about something work realted and suddely, it really is like a bluebottle, a blogging type thought buzzes near the vacinity and i am distraced. By lunch time i am incoherent - of course i'm m...

We went to visit the house in Donegal yesterday. It's being renovated and it's kinda scary. Scary cos i've never done such a thing before. Gotta go now. The routine's slightly different this morning. Peter's gone to zen and i'm doing the school run. So... At least i got the coffee made and we'll definitely be on time today for work. Which is a great start.

Last week was an awful week. On account of the dancing. We went dancing on Saturday night. We didn't stay out long. Home by 1.30. Not late at all by the standards of a 20 year old. Or even 19 year old which was the age of the woman whose birthday we were celebrating. But i took one week to recover from it. First there was the temporary tinitus. We were dancoing in front of the speakers. This went on for two days. But on day one i was more deaf than usual. Then there was the recovering from the drinking. Actually we didn't drink much. I was drinking water by 11. But i think it was a combination of this and the next point... ...a break from the routine. This was what really threw me off. And then on Monday i found out i had to go to England on Tuesday. I thought i had at least another day. On top of that we had not managed to get a proper routine going for work and school. All of us were being late almost every morning. The laundry wasn't washed, the bins not emptied and the ...

After a month of blogging/writing properly, it was awful not doing it. Even if it was too tiring to do. Last Sunday, as you know, i went out to buy a few plants from IKEA and the local garden centre. We got hyacinths and some more exotic spiky things. And we dotted it about the house. It looked really well and i was pleased with the results. I have read two books since, though, as if to make up for the dearth of not writing. The first was The Valkeries, by Paolo Coelho. It was quite awful. It is supposed to be some autobiographical account of his life looking for his guardian angel. It's about a man who wants to meet his guardian angel face to face and goes to the Mojave desert to find it. I think it was just that it was badly written. And perhaps such a personal quest should be kept personal. How you can put meeting a deity into words without it sounded corny, i do not know. It was a reverse horror movie when you wait for the monster to appear and inevitably it always disappoints ...

Here's Ghin sitting on the sofa waiting to send everyone off to work and school. Poor wee mite, he was really not well yesterday. But at least he managed a pancake. Kesian, as chocho would say. This is a red squirrel who lives outside the window of our office. It is his tail, i know. But he refused to show me his face.

That would be the sound of me going off after a week of not blogging. It's been a crazy kinda time. I feel for the first time i'm really struggling with work and the house and i'm exhausted all the time. Ghin was sick this week as well. I've never seen him so sleepy before- it made me promise never to get annoyed with him when he's in his hyperactive state. Bring back hyperactivity. Of course everyone but everyone is talking about the recession. I'm really tired about it. I'd much rather talk about SOLUTIONS. As usual because it's men and professionals being in charge of the solutions its got to be expensive and it's gotta be complicated. The way i see it is we have 2 choices. We can go back to what we had. In which case we need to get used to the boom and bust thing. OK, you may say, but what happens if the boom and bust thing is not a cycle by a widening gyre? That is, everytime it happens it gets worse and worse, until the entire thing breaksdown ...

Oh my god! Today i watched a P Ramlee clip courtesy of my friend Tien Yi and i began to listen to all the songs on You Tube and finally came to a clip of Ramlee and Saloma singing Bengawan Solo. It is about 5 degrees and the wind is howling outside and i just want to go home!!! To be back where there are jungles and family and where its hot and people are rue to each other and it is totally overcrowded - but it's home! I miss home so much!!! Bengawan Solo... And the funniest thing is that i don't think that home i want to go to even really exists. It's a Singapore from the 60s - a simpler, less complicated more humble Singapore. Or is it myself i'm really talking about? Today we tried doing family things - as usual it doesn't always go according to plan. I ended up taking Oisin out on my own, which was lovely but by the time i got home Peter who had gone for Zen till one, was really tired. Ghin was in diapers and no one was much in the mood to do any interior decora...

I am now part of a reading group which is an offshoot of the school. It looks at the writings of Steiner and discusses them. It is unlike any reading group that i've every been to because of the way we regard Steiner. Because i know so little about Steiner i spend much of my time listening. But also i do not apply any CRITICISM - they way i would perhaps if i was studying say, Darwin or anyone else. Steiner said that he had the ability to see beings. Supernatural beings and he was very specific about the way they appeared and the role that they played. I do not know enough about what he thought - but this ability then made him go on to develop this system called spiritual science. He did get a PhD somewhere, i can't remember hwere now, but he also said that most of the techniques used in science was a 'dead' kind of science. Science he said was lacking the dimension of the spirit. In the 1920s he was not unique in railing against the forces of materialism. But he was un...

I found this poem attributed to Fin Ma Cull about may time. It has loads of birdy references in it. I needed to save it somewhere. May-Time May-time, fair season, perfect is thy aspect then; blackbirds sing a full song, if there be a scanty beam of day. The hardy, bushy cucoo calls, welcome noble summer! It calms the bitterness of bad weather, the branching wood is a prickly hedge. Summer brings low the little stream, the swift herd makes for the water, the long hair of the heather spreads out, the weak white cotton-grass flourishes. ...The smooth sea flows, season when the ocean falls asleep; flowers cover the world. Bees, whose strength is small, carry with their feet a load reaped from the flowers; the mountain allures the cattle, the ant makes a rich meal. The harp of the wood plays melody, its music brings perfect peace; colour has settled on every hill, haze on the lake of full water. The corncrake clacks, a strenuous bard; the high pure waterfall sings a greeting to the warm po...

We do need a 'new economy,' but one that is founded on thrift and care, on saving and conserving, not on excess and waste. An economy based on waste is inherently and hopelessly violent, and war is its inevitable by-product. We need a peaceable economy." ~ Wendell Berry I do wonder if the people in the Warring State in China were wasteful. I doubt it. Nevertheless it would be good to think that people who are not interested in waste are also not interested in war. To am proud to say that i did not watch TV today. I came home and dinner was in full swing. Peter was washing the dishes and Ghin was running around without his diapers on. Oisin and Jago were watching Polar Express. Polar Express is Ghin's Nemo. We have watched it every day since the end of Christmas. It feels as if we have seen it about 50 times. Peter and Oisin went off for a Green Party meeting and Ghin and i stayed to tidy the house. I did the laundry, the dishes and tidied up downstairs. I get the bread...

With a few flowers in my garden, half a dozen pictures and some books, I live without envy. - Lope de Vega Here i am page! 6.39 am. Cup of coffee, the little fish. In a bathrobe. I check the BBC for the latest update on Gaza. I check facebook. I check my emails. What am i looking for? I spent sometime on Voluntary Simplicity websites yesterday and felt very excited. It seemed that after a few years, this has now given me some focus. As i read Lane's book yesterday, i saw our little house on Barnett's Road a little incongrous wilderness - allotment and compost pile, potatoes - little cottage garden and restored furniture. Inside the house, decluttered, sacred spaces of loveliness and purpose. Welcoming to all, open to everyone. Is there any greater purpose than the art of living? As for the politics, it is only when we are calm, healthy and balanced that we will be able to make a difference. Mindfullness - last night we didn't wash the dishes in the sink - so i do not know...

I'm trying to show up to this page, but it is difficult. Today for instance, we woke at 7.30 and began running around the house to get the kids out by 8. We managed 8.15. Every minute counts at that time of the morning. The traffic builds up from between 8 and 8.40, and increases by the minute... So if i did get up at 6.30 it would really help. I wrote a piece here about Gaza, but the horror there cannot frame itself in any sort of narrative. So i will leave off here. The Israelis and Palestinians seem to be in some sort of trance - a lethal dance which either side is unable to cease. All day long i received texts asking me to send messages to the Save the Children website. The only ones who aren't in the trance are the dying children - and that is why we are so awake to their suffering. But i must stop. Winter has loosened its grip on us. Today it was so mild. During my run i thought i felt spring in the air. Everyone was so excited that the frost had gone. Despite it already ...

We did this on Friday because we had an extra cake left. Ghin was ten times more himself in this one. Never say that children are born with generous souls. I have a story to tell about my car. We sent it for servicing on Tuesday. I dropped it off in the morning and the dealer got me a taxi back to the office. He also got me a taxi back to the workshop. I picked up the car, paid the £300 for the service (gasp shock horror i can hear most you all say), was told that it would then cost me another £720 to get the rest of the bits and bobs replaced - like the heater - and then left. It was jammed. Boucher road was packed to the gills and it took me a good 20 minutes to clear the place. As i reached Tates Avenue, for no apparent reason, the battery went dead and i stalled, right in front of the lights on a slope. Reader, i am proud to say that i did not lose my temper. I did not swear and scream. I did not call the heavens to smite the men at SMW. I simply I called Peter to tell him the car ...

The first week of work of the year has passed by with an unseemly amount of work to be done. On Friday we attended Joanne's father's funeral. It was the first funeral i have been to in a long time too. It was held at a Church of Ireland chapel and it was a beautiful service. Except that i knew that it was certainly something i didn't want to have for myself. Which made me think, i really should try and script something, put something together for my funeral. For a start, i'd like to be incinerated. And i'd like the ashed to be scattered in two places - Kinnegoe Bay and Uluwatu in Bali. However, i suppose i should leave some in Singapore, Macritchie reservoir would be ideal, although i think that the Ministry for the Environment might have something to say about it. Then, the music - i'd really like that song which they play in Spirited Away when Jihiro takes the train ride to Swamp Bottom to be used at some stage. After that, i can't think of any song. I...

Photos from Ghin's two parties. I haven't been able to upload both videos. I'll keep trying, promise. Far to busy at work for a first day at work. I spent only two hours in the morning with Ghin and an hour in the evening before packed him off to bed. We did have dinner at the dinner table though for the first time in ages and it was so beautiful. Tomorrow is Ghin's birthday and we're having a few friends round. It's all very hum drum right now. The car is going to be serviced today so that should be fascinating to see how much that will set us back. I'm missing the family in Singapore a bit. I think it's the talk of holidays that's making me a bit sad. The possibility that we won't be going down - we'll stay in Donegal instead, and that should be wonderful too. But i will miss the people, the culture. And when i say culture, i mean just the sheer diversity of people on the streets. I don't really miss the food. It's weird huh? The se...

Because i had to do the radio thing yesterday the boys made their own pancakes. It was really very impressive. The pancakes definitely. We were in bed today, those minutes before fully waking and being asleep when Ghin said Singapura. Singapura...i was surprised, where did he get Singapura from? Then i remembered. One of the songs i'd sing to him before he slept was Dayung Sampan - along with Danny Boy and Cockles and Mussels - must cover all the heritage grounds, you see. And so we sang Singapura. Sorry about not blogging yesterday Ma. I had this radio thing on. They are hour long discussions that range from anything you can think of yesterday it was Gaza, Dr Who and Climate Change - and mothering. I do wonder who listens to it. Sometimes i come away from these things happy. Yesterday was not one of those times. I had also taken the equivalent of three expressos and was as jittery as a junebug - whatever that might be. So i left the house at 11.30 and didn't get back till 6...

Picking conkers in Belvoir Park, Lagan Meadows. In the process of clearing out the camera i'm discovering things which i not only didn't upload, but i have forgotten. How can i forget these things? How perfect the light was, how sweet the kids were, how we got stuck in the mud on the way home, how we were bedraggled and wet when we got to the RSPB? How many other things have i forgotten and did i want to forget them? Yes we are constantly told, going on is what it's all about - moving on, accepting change...and what about those wonderful memories... There is a theory that the reason why certain religions - like Bhuddism and Christanity and Islam, which stress this infinite love and patience with things, this silent forbearance and stoicism married with the practical and pragmatic approach to life emerged was because during the axial age such terrible things happened. The establishment of cities, the wholesale destruction of communities, war and famine were extreme and peopl...

This was taken in September -

I found this while clearing out the camera...

So here's one of me! 2.18, 2 Jan 2009. I think, where did all those days go to? Those days between the 24th of Dec and the 4th of Jan...where did they go to? What happened to them? I know what happened to them. We spent them in peace. In doing family type things. In going to sales and the beach at Murlough. In watching the Polar Express and seeing friends. In cooking and cleaning and tickling the baby. In slumping on the sofa and going early to bed to wake at midnight and wish i had more energy, to thinking, it's ok, Things will sort themselves out. And now planning. I think planning. Every now and then i get the feeling that things are running away, like the decks of card in Alice in Wonderland. I feel as if they're going out of control. An unweeded patch of ground. A neglected bush. I need to start trying to plan my time, but life starts up and then... Also this strange split has occurred in the way i write. I love this blog. I love writing it. But i also need to write in...

Mika stayed overnight. Sir Stuffalot Here we are, at the start of a New Year. I fell asleep at 11 and woke momentarily at midnight, said a bleary eyed Happy New Year to Peter and then fell asleep again. Ah the perils of being 38. It's a dull day which makes the possibility of going to an open space even more unlikely. I long to do a walk in some bit of greenery, but Peter has told me that it's waaaay too cold. We can wrap up, i long to say, but he has now agreed that we could perhaps go to Newcastle. Ah yes, lovely Newcastle, although since my seaweed bath there i have become a bit more partial to it. Yesterday i wondered what love was, as i drove to Tescos. A Vivaldi piece was playing on Radio 3 and it was the 'piece that made him', according to the presenter (cos i dont think they have DJs on Radio 3). It has been cold, but still and dry, and the trees stood with their graceful branches, shorn of leaves and filled with truth. Their tops made feathery sweeps against th...