Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

So this is what discovering chocolate looks like...

Part of my need for a narrative structure is the need for certainty. I'm crap with open endings and so much of my compulsions are driven by the need to know where i'm going and what will happen. And now i sit once again with uncertainty and i twist. I twist and twist, like an itch which yearns to be scratched. And i must not. I have identified the underlying discomfort beneath the scream and it is uncertainty. Live with it. Understand this demon - my demon. Why do i fear uncertainty? Where does the fear come from? Can i learn to live with it? Can i learn to love it? What can i discover from this demonic reaction to this fact of life? What does it reveal about me? Uncertainty means... a lack of confidence in myself ultimately. I fail to believe in myself... an inherent ghostliness in the creation of my own persona. A fear of the future. Is the solution then to start creating a persona, to Thatcher-like pull myself up by my bootstraps, or simply acknowledge this will-o-whispiness...

I started Ghin on a bottle yesterday evening. He instantly knew what it was a loved it. I was delighted and disappointed at the same time. My baby is growing up - and won't need me to feed him with my body any longer. Women after speak of missing the night time feeds. I never understood this until it was time for the bedtime feed and then when he rejected the bottle a part of me went oh goody!!! He now sits in his highchair, flipping through a peekaboo book, feeding himself a carrot stick snack and sipping from his bottle with Aptimil in it. And he look so grown up. He swings his body from side to side listening to Corelli. He'd do the same for Alphaville. Sometimes, over the past few weeks, especially since he turned one i look at him and wonder when did he grow up. How did i miss it? He watches the coal tits hop anxiously from branch to branch and shouts at them, pointing with great vigour and urgency. He gives flying kisses out of his ear. He shouts for dad! But everyone els...

What is the point of meditation - or any soul work for that matter? I'm beginning to think this...and it can be best summed up by this story... Trungpa Rinpoche, the man who wrote Shambala , approached a guard dog. The dog was foaming at the mouth and barking wildly. As he passed, the chain on the dog broke and it ran straight at him. Instead of running away, or freezing in terror, he ran towards the dog. The dog surprised at his actions ran away. Life is never ever going to be easy. No. Even if i did order it perfectly around me something is bound to come along and surprise me. Something that i will have no control over. Like war. Of famine. The plague. Black death. Piano falling out of the sky. Man leaving a bag of dog poo outside my gate. Anyway, the point is that a thousand and one things can take place everyday that will throw me off balance. The point of any spirit work is to be able to, like a skillful martial artist, almost intuitively anticipate these blows and then parry ...

I am Vajradhara who grasps the balance of the worlds I am the principle of judgment, of order, of organization in the universe My music is the rising and setting of the sun, the music of the spheres, the sound of the judge's gavel and the executioner's sword I maintain things as they should be I am the essence of the Law I am the primordial buddha for those Who value the celestial order Who follow the institutions and the pathways trod by the founders Who obey the teachings as they have been handed down I am the origin of the universe for monks and nuns And those who walk the sure and slow pathways to the heavens I ease their way, and treat them fairly I protect them from the forces of chaos and disorder. For those on the fast path, I am the gatekeeper to the Void I hold the keys which open the bright mandalas The labyrinths of minds, both personal and universal Through my bhairavas, I work with karma, and concentration, and insight Through my bhairavis, I work with emanation, ...

I do feel the narrative breaking down - mine that is. Or at least the effort at attempting to sustain it. I wonder if i should just try and listen to what life is telling me? What happens if life is not saying anything at all? What if there is nothing but radio silence? And then will i end up on another absurdist kick? Or worse still nihilism? What if life's music isn't amazing or comforting? What if i don't like what i'm hearing? What if there is no truth in here or out there? Is it a bit early to discover the glamour of the mask hides the terrifying vaccuum, especially since i might have another 40 years to live, statistically speaking? And then if that is the case does it all then come rushing in, all imploding like Alice's House of Cards? Does it all come falling down around my ears as i slip into the rabbit hole? I don't mind curioser and curioser - i'm terrified of emptier and emptier...and then what do i convery to my own children? Is this what they c...

Ma left for Taiwan yesterday. I had forgotten she was going and called the house anyways. I settled Ghin in the high chair and punched in the numbers. No answer. Her mobile phone was not receiving calls either. I waited. What's happened? i wondered. Then i remembered. Was she already in Taiwan? My sister then called later that morning. Make sure you call your sister, my mother had told her. She called, sometimes i think that Jacq is the older sister. Jacq is responsible for so many boys in her school. She sounded just like my mom when she she said hello. And my mom sounds just like Mama. Is my sister becoming Mama. She had just gone through the gastric flu and was recovering. Man, what's happened to your voice, she said, hearing my husky tones. My dad then called later when he heard about my voice. You opk, he asked. Ma's in Taiwan, but you can call anytime. I'm not so good with the phone calls though, he said. But you can still call. Talking to my dad is very strange. ...

Last night i sat with Ghin and watched the Top 20 Greast Love Songs on the magic TV station. It was really fun. There was George Michael being butch with not one but two women - in the most unconvincing way possible. Tony Hadley from Spandau Ballet was proclaming how true and funny something seemed in his long jacket, looking like a failed extra from Four Weddings and a Funeral, Jennifer Rush was insisting that she was somebody's lady and he was her man, Robbie William and Gary Barlow wanting someone back for good. It was interesting not just for the retro fashion and lack of special effects, as well as slow editing, but because i had never seen many of these videos. When i was growing up in Singapore we did not have music TV and the local bootleg video circuit made good money with badly copied Top of the Pops episodes which were so far out of date that they were probably single handedly responsible for the overly long reign of large specs as spotted by DLT. We'd get these tape...

If i am learning anything at all it is humility from doing the housework. I was cleaning up today in Oisin's room just before the boys set out for school. I was tired, fed up that i was cleaning, that everyone didn't seem to care about messing the place - and that i was once again going about picking clothes off the floor. And then i realised that i WAS getting annoyed. That's interesting, i thought. In the past, this would have resulted from what i can only describe as 'cleaning with attitude', often charaterised by the phrase 'if i've cleaned this place once, i've cleaned it a thousand times' and lots of sullen chucking of clothes into the laundry bin. This time i did not get angry...and saw that the underlying emotion for the anger was INJUSTICE. I was thinking that it was VERY UNFAIR that i was the one who had to clean the room up. UNFAIR. That's an interesting word/idea isn't it? The fact is, i have come to discover that on a personal le...

A friend today commented on how tired i was. I'm tired? She's just given birth to a new baby, has three children and is in the middle of moving house and I'm TIRED???!!! I feel like such a wimp really. Compared to her i'm living a life of complete self-indulgent luxury. I am a bit perturbed though about the 'situation', but can do little about it beyond hope that time brings some resolution. I don't feel comfortable with not trying to 'do' something, but i've decided to not 'do' anything and just get on with my own life. After all i'm not a crazymaker - not anymore anyways... School now and stuff. I must get things in hand now with so much. The houses, the garden, school publicity, not to mention the running which has fallen by the wayside since Bali. I do feel a general yeechiness. But quite a few people are feeling a general yechiness. It might just be the weather, the stars, the coming bad weather/low pressure. Ghin is growing up b...

Ummmmm sugar puffs..... The Out to Lunch festival has a really impressive line up this year mom... Awwwww, cos i can turn it on too... Look aren't i cute eating this apple? Come on, give us a smile.... So i'm sitting here, trying to catch up with my stupid writing. I have been thinking about writing fiction again. I so miss it, expressing and feeling the world again in those tactile, luminescent colours. Only i know that in order to write fiction i must enter into a totally different space. Now the problem is, that my fiction space is not a good place for me to be personally. It's a place where i become emotionally unstable and quite scary to be with - most notably to myself. Once Rilke (and i in no way compare myself to him), said when they told him he should get his bipolar condition seen to, But i might scare away my angels too. It's really like that - you bring in the angels, there is no garuntee that the devils won't follow in through the open door. I keep thin...

Sometimes i think that we get sick so just that we know what it feels like to be well. I was so bloody sick after the Giant's ring last week. A really bad chill resulted in fever and hypershivering. I had to cancel dinner with a friend i hadn't seen for months and i dressed up in a scarf, hat and track bottoms over thermal underwear and sweated profusely in bed 0 but was cold all this time. Thing is, i had been taking Lemsip and Anadin Extra now for the last three days and my skin had been transformed into some sort of flaky sandpaper. It was dehydration, i know, but it was also all those painkillers going through me. So i decided that was enough of the painkillers and i was going to just have to wait this one out. I lay back, the symptoms of the flu-like chill were beginning to appear again. My feet, my legs, my arms were beginning to ache and shiver. What am i going to do, i wondered? It's so bloody awful. I don't want this. I don't want to feel ill. I want to fee...

Here's a film clip on the Irish News website: http://www.in.tv/news296.php We were on the front page of the Irish News today - and mentioned in the Irish Times. We also got on Good Morning Ulster as well as the noonday news with an 'as live' feed. It was really really great. My quote there is for Pa, who will be thrilled that i had a quote in the newspapers cos he likes that sorta thing. Really tired and a bit bunged up now.

Laiose Kelly from Dublin poses with Harpers for Tara Marie Burns and Laiose play on the embankmment of Giant's Ring The media Laiose and the cairn stones The harpers and Max at the cairn stones. Can i tell you what an incredible day i had? Please. It began at 6 am. But actually it began a lot earlier than that. I dreamt, all night, about Tara. The most vivid part of the dream we were in a huge house and there was a party in honour of Tara being held. Then someone said to me, the band is here and we all ran to the windows to see. And out of the mist there emerged an entourage of people. They were all young - in their 20s and 30s - and they had this appearance of incredible presence. But they were also so very normal. I remember in particular one of them, a young man, with curly hair, he had crooked teeth and they were laughing and merry making. They had their King in a chair and they came to me. they gestured to an empty chair they had brought with them and asked, Where is your King...

It's amazing the whole thing has taken a life of its own now. Laoise Kelly the harpist with the Chieftians is coming up to play at the Ring. Here's the latest press release. The Green Party say that it's too late. How can it be too late when they haven't done it yet? It's shocking the ignorance and stupidity, not to mention greed and ugliness that have gone into making the decision in the first place. We hoped that it would be reversed, but obviously a deal was cut and it will not be reversed. Here's the press release anyways. If you're local please try and be there are noon. SAVE TARA CAMPAIGN IN THE NORTH EMBARGOED UNTIL 8 JANUARY 2008, 0000HRS 7 Jan 2006 TARA! TARA! TARA! Musicians and poets North and South get voices together to Save Tara The Save Tara campaign was marked in the North with a stellar gathering of musicians and poets on 8 January, the international day of protest to preserve the site. Laoise Kelly, harpist with the Chieftains, Marie and Ur...

We celebrated Ghin's birthday with a few friends this evening. He was teething and wasn't really up to it. Tomorrow's going to be a big day with the action at the Giant's Ring. It should be good fun, if nothing else. Already we've got Radio Ulster and i'm hoping for a bit more as well. So, here are the pictures anyways... enjoy. The cake... Birthday boy Lara and birthday boy Oisin and Jago indulge in a bit of panto

SAVE TARA CAMPAIGN IN THE NORTH EMBARGOED UNTIL 8 JANUARY 2008, 0000HRS 6 Jan 2006 TARA! TARA! TARA! More imagination needed to save Tara and build sustainable future for Ireland Note to Editor: The Save Tara campaign will hold a ceremony at the Giant’s Ring at noon on 8 Jan. There will be music, theatrics and poetry. Harpist Ursula Burns will play. A cake will also be cut in celebration of a baby’s first birthday to symbolise the future of children and the environment in Ireland. The campaign also be at Stormont at 1.30 to present a cake in the shape of the Lismullan henge to Brian Wilson, Green MLA. Please contact Stephanie Sim on 07914586162 for more details or to arrange an interview or/and photo opportunity. On 8 January, the Save Tara campaign found its way to the Giant’s Ring. The beautifully preserved henge on the outskirts of Belfast is a near double of Lismullan, the henge found near Tara which is slated to forever disappear under the M3. Campaigner and artist, Anita Greg, s...

It is absolutely critical that i do two things - run everyday and write everyday. And then i must empty the bins, do the dishes and the laundry. This is because if i don't do this, i feel really, really, really crap. (It is probably a sign that i am slightly neurotic, but we all are and i figure they are probably better neuroses to have than say, having the urge to go on an mass killing spree, like George Bush.) The three weeks while Peter was away in Bali i wasn't able to run - and like the path not travelled, this really made all the difference. I was grouchy, i felt fat - even when i wasn't (which make me really, really grouchy, a throw back to the days when i was borderline anorexic, possibly -) and i was so tired. Then after he came back, there was Christmas and holidays and all the attendant chaos and overeating that brings (i went through a few boxes of liebekuchen.) It's only now that i'm beginning to get back to some sort of rhythm. Also, i hate to admit it...

Three more days to the start of school. Three more days. I can't wait till it begins, not because of childcare, but because of the routine. It is really tiring. As a full time mother you never get away from your work. People talk about the office being full time now because you take your work home with you. As full time mom, your home IS your work, and it's always there, nagging at you. Bins, sinks, bathroom. Clothes, babies, food to be cooked. Garden, etc, etc. And hoe inadequate i feel that i am full time mom but my house is a tip. It's not that bad a tip, but i wish it would be neater. However, yes the routine of school would be really welcome. Jac sent me a press clipping of Bim who is now Singapore's younbgest divisional police chief at the age of 32. It got me wondering to all sorts of things. It actually made me think of Rumpelstiltskin. You know how the miller's daughter gets a larger and larger room each time she suceeds at her impossible task of turning st...

My Cho Cho diary which i had to get from Ang Mo Kio's Mall. I keep saying that i need to get organised but Ghin keeps waking up and he's really really becoming an active little boy which is a lot more work than an active little baby. Sockets, cables and sharp corners are all fair game. Anything which has a heavy object attached to it from the top of the table is also especially attractive. He also still loves books. If it isn't nailed to the floor it's a toy. We're now going to St George's Market and then it's off to a bookstore of some description with Liz. We are all tired at the fag end of winter. I went for a run today and nearly sprained my groin. Roll on 2 Feb - the start of Spring. Ghin inspects the heating bill and inquires why we don't have better insulation. He says that cavity wall infill drastically cuts down heat loss.

I can't tell who looks happier, Peter or the snowman... Oisin tries out his new sled. Mush mush... In Stormont - Pingu and Pingo Family shot - there are so few of these... Boyz and mommy - yes, i HAVE put on weight.... And what a snowfall it was. Large generous flakes floating over the whole night filled our gardens, bare branches, covered the tops of roofs and tucked themselves into every possible ledge. and it styaed the whole night so that in the morning, what appeared to be a cursory snowball fight turned into a full scale Lapland wonder scenen. Oisin was thrilled. When will Santa be coming mommy he asked me, the cheeky bugger. Peter got a sleigh and off we went. The only one who hated it was Ghin who spent the better part of our trip to Stormont yelling at the top of his cords. I had to slip and slide down the hill back home and didn't even get a try in the sled. I love my son.