Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

 Yesterday Ghin and I went to Streull - it is a beautiful mysterious place, especially since its beauty is not clear nor obvious. What makes the stream unusual is that it is not a waterfall - it is a stream which flows like a stream. I don't understand what makes is special. I am drinking the water from it now. In Ireland you are only ever a few minutes drive from a Holy Well. Here the water is sweet and clear. And it confers refreshment. I think I will start going to these site more often from now on. They bring me such relief. Spaces in time. Spaces cleared for time. Cleared by time. As I walked there, a Singaporean with my half Singaporean, half Irish son, It was a lot like standing in front of the veil once again - but this time, it was the veil of time. Why this place? What was it like when it first was discovered? What is the geology and geography behind it that made it the place for midsummer celebrations? What happened after it was Christianised? What was it like in the 1...

Holy Night 5 December 28-29 – Taurus Consciously purify the body of thought. Discipline thinking. Concentrating on the positive. Converting the black doves of thought into white doves, because our thinking is, until it is not consciously conducted with discipline, like a dovecote! Keep this dovecote closed against foreign, negative thoughts. Mystery: The purification of the temple by Jesus Christ. I do wonder what it means to keep the dovecote closed from foreign negative thoughts? Being negative is not a bad thing - letting foreign thoughts in is not bad either. It is a strange one thing. But the consciously purify the body of thought - what does that mean? The purification of the temple by Jesus is understandable though.  Surely Jesus was being negative when he went into the temple and messed everything up. This was probably the final straw for the Pharasees. You can say as much as you like but once you start touching our money - well. that's that. What Jesus did though was he sp...

Holy Night Four December 27-28 – Aries Consciously purify the astral body: antipathy and sympathy are converted into universal love. Passions and desires keep silent. The power of Christ penetrates with his light and his strength what is Luciferic in us. Mystery: The work on ourselves serves the best interests of the whole. The Archangel Uriel holds up a mirror in which we see ourselves as we are. =========================== Who we really are - we remember our original intent... In a way that is all I have been trying to do - remember my original intent. What my purpose was supposed to be in this world as I made my way across those waters. And in a way I have completed that journey. Quite imperfectly, of course, sampling a buffet along the way, delighting and disappointing, but also seeking. Always seeking. There were times when I wanted to rent the invisible curtain. If I could have taken a pair of scissors or a blade to it, I would have. What is this about? I would shout to the impla...

I will get up early tomorrow and do some writing - in fact I will organise the other room. I will probably have to throw stuff away. Sadly. Although recently I have been offloading things. I will get up, journal and write. Go for my run. The start tidying the room. Everyday I will do something for the house. Tomorrow is tidying the backroom.  Then I would like to do some piano and drawing. I will start work on Leo - Durga. And I will organise the drawing materials.  That should take us to mid morning and then I want to clean the front of the house. All the autumn leaves, etc. It has been so peaceful.  I will go and do some journaling now. I am always, always grateful for the life I lead now. It is time to start planning the goals for the year. Tomorrow I will set them. And next year is going to be mental busy.

December 25-26 – Aquarius Night of John. The Eagle of the soul circling high on its wings and looking back from a great height, observes its own life. And now the man recognizes the Laws of Karma. The Mystery: Choosing the narrow and difficult path or the path that is wide and easy. For those who are born of flesh it is hard to find the path of the spirit. Bhagavad Gita: A selfish life, or a life devoted to humanity? I think it has to be both - to walk that path between selfless and self actualisation. We cannot sacrifice everything we need in order to live an ideal. The ideal will always have to be compromised. But that's ok.  December 26-27 – Pisces Now follow the 3 nights of the white lily. The soul recognizes that it cannot stay above but must come down again because in it, it possesses too much earthly weight. The conscious mind begins to purify the earthly body and assumes that each food is as a viaticum (provision for a journey). I am the bread (words of Christ Jesus). We co...

First Holy Night December 24-25 - Capricorn Christmas Eve, when Christ is born in the soul. The soul asks: Can I, with all my weaknesses, deficiencies and passions, be heard? Symbol: The stable of Bethlehem, where the Light of the World is born in humility and poverty. The Voice of Silence penetrates the soul and teaches to joyfully affirm the good in us and in others. Capricorn. The Divine Spirit is born in Matter. Spirit and Matter, the Alpha and Omega touch and life comes into being. Mystery: The seeking soul in the darkness of a pathless forest. Rudolf Steiner’s indications for the Holy Nights given to Herbert Hahn The music of gamelan, more than any other music, to me is the music of South East Asia. An amalagam of metal and stone, its metallic, earthy hollowness is the sounds of the forest and the rain, the coolness of a night, the squinting of the eyes in the day. I am transported everytime... This mediation of Steiner's is useful but also pessimistic - I know there is somet...

The 23rd was a busy day. I wandered about trying to erect gingerbread houses, make chocolate truffles, and prepare a solstice feast. Everything was done just about on time - apart from the truffles which were executed perfectly. The gingerbread houses had very soft windows, which melted upon achieving verticality and the icing was alright. The very slopey roofs were just about staying on and I did not get it decorated. So in the end I decided that I would ask pple to decorate it themselves. Which worked out. Everyone enjoyed doing that. The pieces which never made it I sacrificed to the birds. The house is now full of food. I am not even exaggerating. It is also full of booze. Over 15 bottles the last time I counted. Which means I may have to hold another party and tell pple not to bring any booze. I have the best part of a jamon serrano, smoked salmon, a ham about to be baked and a turkey. I also have plenty of veg, bread.,... the list goes on. Essentially I did all my January shoppin...

I am now 52. I don't even know what that means! I was saying to Ma today that as I get older I realise two things - that if you do not have them, they aren't SUCH big deals - a relationship and children. Don't get me wrong, if you have them and they are bringing you joy, or even not joy, that's great. But not having them - at this age - one can take it or leave it. I said to Ma that Emma had asked me if I ever did get lonely. I said, I don't REALLY get lonely because my job is the opposite of lonely. It is full on, full throttle. And truth be told my then partner was so unsupportive that I might as well have been alone - so that in fact it felt lonelier. Then physical intimacy, also not a guaranteed thing in a relationship. And to start something new - well - all the strings that those things come attached with... the maintenance that goes into that. For the sake of saying I have a relationship? Finally one night stands are awful. I can't do them. They are meani...

It has been a completely mental week. Made the houses and we are now in the home stretch. I am so tired really.  I also find that now being 50-ish and all I literally cannot be bothered with so many things. I now regret that I said I would celebrate my birthday. Maybe i'll just cancel it. I don't know why I suggested it. Anyway, Oisin is not coming over - till after Christmas, which I don't understand why he won't just stay in the UK. Honestly. But Ghin is having Christmas dinner with me. So that will be v nice. But Christmas is very boring. It is a bit of a damp squib to me.  The coming year is going to be exciting. I can't wait really. It is the year of the horse? I'm not sure... is it the year of the horse? Or the oh no, its the Rabbit. Its the year of the Rabbit. Jac will be 48 years old. She was painting her boat's hull yesterday. I don't understand why she is painting her own boat... I feel a bit bleh. I mean quite bleh/ I think the new moon is com...

It has been a beautiful productive week in school. I still have the remnants of the cold and cough, but I am mostly over it. I am knackered when I come home and it is pure luxury to not be 'on' after school. I have lunch - well yesterday I bought gingerbread village ingredients - and I came home to early dinner. I then lay on the sofa and fell asleep. Snuggled under layers of duvet and chinelle blanket. Life is good. I got up and then watched more TV and then I headed up to actual bed. In between I texted Ghin to see how he was. I love and miss him so much. We made ice sun catchers and drew some gorgeous drawings over the course of the last few days. I am very proud of my class and the lessons I have put together. Yesterday a teacher in the class said I should be on TV. I was like Bob Ross. Lol. The class exploded with glee. But they were super awesome paintings really. It has all in all been a really cool week. I have loved it. Even though I am crazy tired.

It has been a very productive day - just ten minutes of blogging now.  So the rhythm is like this. I get home and am exhausted. Especially yesterday - since Gary got me up at 3 am. A tad early. I did loads during that time. I am clearly a very morning person. I suppose all those mornings of studying and children...  I get back and I am DONE. I cook. I do not eat during the day in school. I effectively do an intermittent fast - and I have stopped eating the sweets. I get back, I eat - yesterday it was steak and soup, with bread and fruit for dessert. I have a handful of wine gums... and then I lie down.... AND fall asleep till around 6 or 7. I then am too brain dead to do anything to go on youtube. A little while later, after supper, I do my lesson plan and then go to bed at 10. Ish. It is simple simple life... It is a life of beauty and loveliness. I should try and play the piano or write a letter. I should really. Well that's me. The Navan Centre. Home to the Ulster Cycle....

What is the Goddess? (This is quite long... but I thought that I would do this anyway as part of a note making exercise. I have been studying and working with the Goddess now for probably the best part of over 30 years. Her goes nothing.) . There are many, many expressions of the goddess. But perhaps we could try and see where it did begin? If that is possible. In every culture, in every part of the world, as far back as the Paleolithic, for as long as human beings have been able to draw and record the cycles of the moon, there has been the Goddess. Because of its 28-day cycle, menstruation as always been linked to a cosmological rhythm, the phases of the moon. In many - but not all - cultures, the moon is imagined as female. Maria Gimbutas speculated that the first observation of the moon may have been done by prehistoric women who were also keeping track of their period. And they noticed that, just as the moon filled and emptied, so did they. A cycle, still familiar to women who have...

Perhaps the best way to spend your youth is doing - mostly - what you believed in. If you cannot have the foolishness of youth to help you through this insanity, then what is the point of being young? Reflecting on my youth and having worked with youths, I have to say the lesson is 100%, they cannot be trusted. Do not give anyone below the age of 30, maybe even 35, any kind of responsibility or expect them to be grateful for the opportunities you give them. Nope. They can be given experience, but they are not to be treated as equals. I say this because this is true. I am not being unfair, just realistic. When someone is young they are selfish and stupid - that was me too. I can say that, but you need to be. To go bumbling about the palace, breaking crystal, truth telling, making those mistakes. It is part of life. It is part of the gut trusting process. Stretching things to the limit, how else would you learn eh? When you are in your 20s you think you are the centre of the cosmos - and...

 Winter Solstice in the shortening of days, their shuddered abbreviations, the way a swing awaits midway - expectantly, the trajectory of its flight, so too the planet sits back - up - on its heels, its sprung haunches, ready to pounce and a-go. as it does, it giggles, like a maiden, or a youth, a care-less turning round of itself, admiring its reflection - a clever trick, pleased to have fooled the sun to ride, for one more cycle, to  stay to me, for yet another year.

It has been another mad mad week. And it will be another mad mad week. I was speaking to Oisín yesterday and told him not to come back for Christmas but he said he was thinking about it... still. Anyway, I told him how much we missed him anyway.  It has been a few weeks of drifting. Next year is pretty much nailed down now. We are very full. I need to get a calendar and put everything in.  Elements is doing alright so I'm gonna just put it here...we don't need anything more. That's us done. Everything is floating around my head now. I need to start nailing things down.  From today onwards I need a routine and I need to know what's going on. There has been the full moon and it has made people a bit mad. I don't know what to say. The world is falling apart and people cannot see it, or want it to fall apart? Shame and humiliation is a huge thing for people. All you need to do to control people is not even kill them, it is to humiliate someone. To make them outcasts. Ea...

Just finished watching Our Friends in the North - what amazing writing. I am still not 100%. My stomach is still gross and I threw up last night, but it is only a 4 day week, so onwards and upwards. Everyone seems to be getting Covid. My head is still very fuzzy and everything seems far away. I should lesson plan.  I needed to write thie before I forgot this. I was talking to Ghin last night and I remarked some bad news about someone and Ghin then smiled an evil smile at me and I asked him, what is it? Are you mad at me? And he said - no. I said well what is it then? And he said, well, I think that sometimes, if you don't like a person, you can be quite bitchy about them. I smiled back, like a child being caught out and he said, I say this because I am like that myself.  I said, well this is quite human Ghin, and to be fair, I am like that with only 0.01% of the people I know, and quite often that person has behaved in a way which maybe merits it! And I think I learnt it off M...

This must be my - I don't know 20th Advent Festival. My first Advent Festival, I took Oisin as a baby on my own. He must have been only 6 months old. I was on my own, I remember carrying him in my baby carrier and I did not know anyone there.  What appealed about the Steiner festival? This was NOT the first Steiner festival I had been to. I went to one in Switzerland and the pretty wholesomeness was what did it for me. But what was the big stand out take away as how it was centred entirely around the child and that it was without tinsel and tat and tackiness. At the end everyone got together and passed out apples in candles and we sang Christmas carols. It was a bit of sanity in the early 21st century. A bit of old world beauty. As the years passed I made sure I took the boys there - it was just Oisin at first. I knew no one and maybe once Peter accompanied us, but usually it was just me and Oisin. I knew no one in Belfast and was slowly building up my base of people. I was working...

About ten years ago I told myself, ACTIVELY that I wanted a boring life. Of course I did not have a boring life thanks to other people, but really as far as I was concerned, it was OK. I was thrilled. I did a meaningful job I adored, I got to be with my sons and what's more, it really meant something to me. I also actively decided that I was very very done with relationships.  But I also decided to just stick with what I was doing that was good. And I wasn't going to let the bullies win. In life there are always bullies. Mean girls. Jealous people. Pushy manipulative extraverts who will always hate the people with content. Always. That can't be helped. People who are threatened by substance. I'm not saying I have substance, but in general people who don't have it don't like it. Also, of course, racists. But that's a different ballpark. Not a lot anyone can do about racists. Like bullies the strategy for them is to ignore them until they make a huge mistake. ...

I am exhausted. Completely and utterly.  I ended up sleeping on the sofa again. I, in fact, now live in the living room. The rest of the house is just there. I don't really do anything else. It is too cold to sleep in my bedroom. I need to bleed the radiators this weekend. What else is there? Today I just feel like - what AM I doing for school today? I know what I'm doing but my brain feels like it is not working. Apparently ancient apocalypse is getting lots of views. People are very excited about the possibility of Atlantis. Atlantis. what were you like? I guess I should leave now...  My brain is really now working. The brain fog from last week is still here. So a few things have started to emerge. Tech is being used to control us. Artificial intelligence looks like it is not just more intelligent than most people, it also looks like it has inherited most of humanity's violence and anger. This shows that anger, contrary to popular opinion is rational. To me anger is a res...

So you are getting divorced! Congratulations! It was not easy for you to come to this decision. Perhaps you took many years to get here, perhaps it was very clear after a few months. Perhaps it was both! Whatever it is, give yourself a big pat on the back. You made it and you have survived and you are in tact. You are moving on.  Perhaps you are one of the lucky ones - and there are many out there. The lucky ones for whom divorce is going to be very straightforward. You many not have very much to divvy up in which case you can happily go your separate ways. Perhaps it was an amicable decision and there is even a celebration in the two of you starting a new life on your own. Wonderful. To everyone who has had a good divorce, I want to say I totally envy you but also, yes, well done. Well done. More evolved than the rest of us who are now stuck in this mess.  The Messy Divorce can have all kinds of colour and texture, but it is OK. You will get through is in the end. IT WILL BE ...