Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

Yesterday, I could not sleep and then I felt very very sad. It has been awhile since I've felt so sad. Just the overwhelming sadness - a helplessness. I think not having Oisin - I miss him, but that can't be helped. And the feeling of once more having to start again. And then also feeling utter antipathy for Singapore and everything about the place. I think its the superficiality. The stupidity. The short term stupidity and the long term mistake and the seeing and knowing that they will not fix it. They can't fix it. They don't know how to. So I turned to the thing which I could control. My body. I will do a mini fast for the next three days. And I will really work on my story and I will work on the house. That I will do. It will be fine. Ma's knee is feeling better now. So today, I will see if I can go for my run first thing and then swim... we go to Sheng Siong at 11 pm. Before lunch. But I also had this dream - where I found myself back at the RSPB and they were ...

This year I decided to read about South East Asia. Let me think about what I do know about South East Asia in the past. Well, for a start, I have never been to a few of these countries. Like Vietnam and Cambodia - a situation I hope to soon rectify. I haven't been to Burma. I don't know if I'll be going there soon. I have very little connection with the non Bahasa speaking parts of the place. Malaysia and Indonesia I know a little better. I have no idea of the history nor the landscape nor the pre history - beyond that which I have read cursorily when going to the museum. I don't even know the geological epochs, etc. It's really bad. I know more about Ireland, for instance. But then there are so many sources and stories. I know more about the Vikings and more about Hindu mythology. This is why stories are important. Anyway. I started reading this book - The History of South East Asia  by Eric C Thompson. You gotta start somewhere I suppose. And already I am fascinat...

  Yesterday I ran, tidied, wrestled with the story, and drew. It was a good day. And Ma said she felt energised after she did her exercises. I was delighted, but also worried. I was oh dear... that's both good and bad. Apparently the haze levels were also better - normal in most places except the West which was very bad - the worst it has been. So that's good right?  The drawing of the Sheela na gig- na is the plural for the - gig? What does gig mean? And Sheela is female. Anyway, it's been almost 6 years since I started learning Irish. I'm delighted that I can understand basic signs now. For instance, I saw the sign leabhar on a picture and knew it meant Library. It's cool. I can now understand very basic Irish. I should go for my run now. I don't know what today brings really. I must ask Jac if she can look after Ma while I go to the concert. Very happy am I. That I got it together finally. Having control and being grounded is everything. And I'm no longer...

 .... and in control. There is no doubt that being in Singapore is a head fuck, to put it mildly. I have written about this extensively, please see previous posts. HOWEVER, to stay sane here, you need to be grounded and that means two things - being in your body and being creative. There is no other way. If you are tapped into the madness which is suggested, then you will be chasing your tail, forever.  Singapore is a toxic place. Everything about it is nuts. So I am just gonna leave it here and move on. I know the formula, and it is exercise - running and swimming.  Cooking, writing, drawing, piano. Organising the house, gardening. Of course looking after Ma. It is NOT being on TikTok and FB and watching Netflix. That was lies perdition. So, if I cannot bring myself to be creative, I can at least organise. And I need to run - run and swim and write. And draw. And organise... that's all there is to it. It's not rocket science. Really, it isn't. Today, today is the day....

I went for a run today - sanity once more. I just have to run daily, there's all there is to it. And since I can't do it outside, I'll have to do it indoors. So I also cleared up the living room. And I'll do the table soon. I've decided to stop commenting on the haze. It's pointless. It's also too late now. Too late. Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic and hoping for the best. I can't be bothered anymore. I've done my bit, literally. And no one wanted to listen. Maybe I should have done more. Like Naomi Klein's son said, did you do enough to stop Trump? Did I do enough to stop the destruction of the rainforest? Well, I was thinking while running today, what could have been done. The three countries - Malaysia, Indonesia and Singapore - could have set up a Rainforest Action Plan. This would have had three aims.  1. To stop deforestation by transitioning to an economy which does not rely on the destruction of the remaining habitat. 2. To mak...

I consider it an absolute privilege to look after Ma. This task was given to me by my father. It is so filled with grace, but it is also very sad. Sad because I recall her in her heyday when she was this formidable presence. When she was the tallest woman I knew, even though she was just of regular height. When her word was law, which it kind of still was, but there would be no questioning of it. When she would do everything with zealous efficiency. She couldn't bear people who took too long to get and do anything. She was as sharp as a whip. Well, now that is not the case. She relies on me for everything. Her knee has given up on her and she won't go for an operation. She hobbles about and is wrecked with pain. I do physio with her twice a day. She won't go anywhere and I have to drag her out on the regular. Yesterday we went to drop Oisin off at Changi. I was just about able to make her come along. It has been such a rollercoaster since Pa passed. She looked after the bot...

Oisin told me that I was being very negative yesterday when I laughed at Elon Musk's stupid flipping car. I was like why do you need a car like that? He said, cos its fun. I said, is it fun to spend money on doing stupid things when the world is on fire? And he gave me a sarcastic nodding head... I said, are you patronising me? He said, you've been very negative lately. I said, have you see the state of the world lately? Apart from the planet being on fire, the corruption and the greed, the mass stupidity, the ... Anyway... Singaporeans are generally stupid people. This I have decided. They cannot process anything that's not in front of their faces nor if they have not been steeped in it. Independent thinking is beaten out of you, one year at a time. By the time you have reached 16, you are either someone who is a true believer, and will go on to 'do well' but be utterly miserable, or you will end up leaving, or if you stay - you will just believe that this is your ...

Yesterday was seven months since Pa left us. It has been so much change I can't even begin to tell you what that's been like. There are little mercies. For a start, there is the gaping hole which Pa has left. Ma, of course, feels it the most. He was her steadfast companion and he helpmeet. It is tough for Ma. Very tough. In that time, we have steadied her but the last few weeks has seen her mobility go down. Just did a physio session with Ma. Anyway - it is really depressing to watch her just be so resigned. It is resignation really. I can't motivate her to do anything. Anyway, here is a song about the haze in the style of Count on Me Singapore. Alamak Singapore (sung to the tune of Count on me Singapore) We have a vision for tomorrow (Just believe, GDP) We have a goal for Singapore  (Just believe, GDP) You and me, we'll do our part Consume and work hard, never stop  We're going to show the world what Singapore can be Good GDP, good GDP There's something down th...

Why is it that when people are left with the right and the wrong thing to do, they always choose the wrong thing? It is unfathomable.

in a democracy shouldn't the judiciary be free of political influence? The principle that the judiciary should be free from political influence is a cornerstone of most modern democracies, often referred to as judicial independence. This independence is intended to ensure that legal disputes are decided based on the law and the facts of the case, rather than the preferences of the party in power or the pressures of public opinion. When judges are insulated from political influence, they can protect the rule of law by holding government officials accountable to the constitution and statutes. If the executive or legislative branches could dictate judicial outcomes, the courts would cease to be an impartial arbiter and instead become a tool for the government to target opponents or legitimize illegal actions. This protection is especially critical for safeguarding the rights of minorities and individuals who may be unpopular with the majority or the ruling party. However, achieving to...

Last night, I spoke to Ma and I said to her, can I speak freely? This came after a particularly difficult episode where she insisted her feet were sticky and they had lost their 'smoothness'. I said, you know that you are getting the best care possible don't you? And she said, yes, I know that. And I said you know that you are safe don't you? She said, yes. Then I said, I know you miss Pa so much and you wish he was here. Yes, she said. But I also understand that he was 82 and if he was still here he would be suffering. Yes. I said. You know that if he were still alive, he would probably be in great pain. And he was also becoming more and more demented. He refused to wear hearing aids, so he was often left out of everything. BUT I said, you know that if he could say anything, he would say that he would want you to be happy. I know, she replied. Well, I said, I can do everything for you, but I cannot make you happy Ma, you have to do that for yourself. And I also know th...

I know myself. I know what I want to do. I know what nourishes me. I know what I need to do. This is all good. It's all good. Right:- Clear the table and the hall Look at all my projects and create a plan for them Proritise Go for run and swim Get dinner ready Yesterday, in the pool Jac said to me, this is the life. I said, it sure is. The spa life, she said. Yep, I replied. And you life it, she said. I sure do, I replied. I do, I do live the fucking spa life. Actually I've lived it all my life. I have lived it as a teenager, I have lived it as an adult. I've lived it as a mum and a conservationist and a teacher. I have - I have totally lived it completely. Not as in luxury, but in a way luxury. I have just done what I believed is right. I have never knowingly taken part in stupid materialistic schemes where the money I've made has come from idiotic, useless things. So in that sense, I have indeed lived the life. And it's partly because I have never been interested ...

Well, only this morning I got up at 6 am, ready to do everything. I had breakfast with Ma, then we went to the Serangoon Polyclinic, to discover that there has been a computer systems crash island wide so we would be waiting for ages to check in to see the dr to renew a prescription. I pushed her to Food Republic through an eerily silent and empty NEX, only to find that the airconditioning wasn't working. Then I pushed her back to the clinic to see that it was still under repair - it still is four hours later - and then we went to the local market to eat.  I was so tired by the time I got back that after the Duolingo, I fell asleep, of course. But was asked by Oisin to accompany him for a late breakfast at 10.30 am. Then I bought som fruit, ox tail and seow bak at NTUC, told off a very rude old man, and then came home. After that I cut up the watermelon and seow bak, fed Ma and then fell asleep. It is now 2 pm. Just like that. The day can't decide what it wants to do.  The haz...

Having now had the experience of being in Singapore during the F1, I can safely say that it is a spectacle on par with the circuses of Rome. You think football games are the bread and circuses, you ain't seen nothing yet. The entirety of the centre of the city is commandeered for a literal chariot race and gladiatorial game. The drivers and the cars and the pits, etc no doubt were no less busy and preoccupied than they were back at the height of the Roman Empire and the crowds were just as asinine and the officials were just as mindless. Let us not forget that the dictators walked around Rome with 12 lictors who carrieed fasces - which is where the word fascist comes from.  They were little better than glorified mob bosses in the end. Just was with the Roman Empire, these spectacles were used to distract the crowds. Free bread was handed out and the crowd were invited to watch these distractions to forget the madness which lay all around them. In Rome it was vast inequality, politi...

The last three weeks has been exhausting. Ma has a dodgy knee. She's had it for a long time, but in the last three weeks it has flared up. This week we went to see the doctor and got her some pain relief. But we also started doing some basic physio. In the last 12 hours the leg has greatly improved. The swelling has gone down and she's feeling less pain. I am feeling relief. Little wins. Anyway. I did more editing yesterday. We went to PS Cafe and it was nice but as always I think the food is only a little better than ok. Definitely not enough to say, oh that's a great place to go. The key lime pie was great though. I ran and swam. The smoke from the forest forest fires still burns. I'd say that by the time they are gone, the forests of Borneo will be wiped out. I finally brought myself to look at the map where the most fires were and it was with horror I saw that they were very near Jambi, around Harapan. So what has happened is that the secondary rainforests have regr...

So, let me get this straight. It has taken us three generations - the Boomers, Gen X and the Millennials - roughly between 1960 to now - to completely fuck up the planet... that's right isn't it? From about when Rachael Carson wrote Silent Spring  to now - when entire rainforests are on fire. Greenpeace was founded in 1972. The Earth Summit was first held in 1982. We have had give or take 60 years to get things right and... did we? Could we have turned back the clock at any stage and done something about it? Yes, yes we could have. If these fucking morons had listened to us, they would have said, actually this is stupid - we have to stop killing ourselves. Even as late as 1997, the Kyoto Protocol was signed, and then in 2020, we had the pandemic and the world shut down. We have had many many opportunities to stop, think and do something about the wrong path that we took, and we just said, these people are pesky little fear mongerers. They don't know what they are talking ab...

It will be a month since I arrived back here. It feels like no time at all has passed. More than that, I cannot seem to get a grip on the rhythm of the days. It's just impossible to sustain anything. I did manage to run and swim properly last week, but this week, it has gone out of the window. I only managed to get swimming and running again today after 5 days - and that is largely due to the insane smoke from the fires which blanket us from Indonesia. It's really really crazy. Luckily, we are on the ground and protected by the garden. I was in town yesterday and it was completely mad. Everything is falling to bits. First, environmental disaster everywhere. Second, genocide in Palestine. Third, economic meltdown and massive inequality. Fourth, the march of AI. I don't know how to make it clearer to people that they are being taken for a ride. How do we do this? I mean I do not take part in that part of the economy, I have long opted out. Everything I have done has been to r...

It has been almost seven months since I made my return to Singapore. As time has gone on, I have discovered what it means to be a square peg in a round hole. All the values which I hold, the reasons I left Singapore in the first place and actually chose Peter to be my husband, all those values are absent here. They are not just gone, but no space is left to even entertain them. There are no more wild spaces. Everything had been taken over by concrete and even worse, the entire rainforest in Indonesia and the rainforests in Malaysia are disappearing, up in smoke. Materialism has won the day. While there was a glimpse of it in Ireland, here it is screaming in your face. I hold no truck whatsoever with the materialists of this world and their insatiable need to always consume. I don't understand it. It's crazy. In Ireland, being able to be with my tribe was manna. It fed my soul. Here the tribe is thin. There are few who would be able to understand where I come from. The few which...

When there are no principles, when money is the only thing which matters, then the mess we are in is what we get. There is no other way to say it. Yesterday, we were treated to a meal at an allegedly high end outlet. OK, it was One Degree 15's cafe. The entire place is very exclusive. But kind of also trashy. I do find the entire boating thing unfathomable. Give me a traditional kolek anyday. These boats, costing hundreds of thousands at the very least, millions upon millions, are essentially white elephants. They are flexes for the owners. I think the only value they have is if the sea level rise occurs you can live on them, but boats by their very nature should try and minimise electrical moving parts. It is a floating contradiction in terms. Anyways, we went to the cafe. It is very nice. It is breakfast. I look at the buffet. It is meh. Very meh. So we order a la carte. We get a pulled pork open face sandwich, Jac gets two poached eggs and bacon, Ma gets wan ton mee.  The food t...

Well, it is clear that Singapore is just going to change beyond recognition. But the Malays will still be here, clearly. They can just wait it out. There's something to be said about native populations which manage to survive. Like the First Nations. And Irish. There is something to be said for land. I will always be a blow in, although you could say that my status as half Peranakan gives me something to be comforted about. Anyway, having looked at the hedge schools and then my life as it has been... in the last 30 years, it is clear how I managed to survive the crazy relationship. It was through community and friends. I had a life with meaning. My sons, my friends, my community - Ireland itself. I had that. I had a really beautiful life. A life which I made things with my hands and taught children things. That life. And then I came back here to be here for a short while and then I went back again. Singapore is fading. I know that everything changes, but Singapore itself is fading....

Hedge School The Hedge School. When the British banned the speaking of the Irish language and teaching, the Irish said fuck you and organised hedge schools. On the pain of death. Sometimes i think i did not appreciate the resilience, strength and sheer determination of the Irish and how they fought for their land... and after 800 years got it back. When i am forced to inhale the poisonous choking fumes from a rainforest which is burning forever i am ashamed at how we here just keeled over to the colonialists and surrendered to neoliberalism. I will forever be grateful to have lived in a land where the dignity of a human being is a reality... this is why stories and land and our connection to it is important. And here we live half lives. Devoid of any real meaning. We farm out the care of children and elderly, we are now slathered in concrete and eternal construction, hypnotised and chasing the GDP we have clear cut forests and justified the destruction of community and culture. Where w...