Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

So.... I did write this long diatribe - part manifesto, part reminder, part crashing realisation and then the thing didn't save, which may be just as well. Well the TLDR version of this is, I have decided to do two things: 1. Stop wearing my contendedness like a smug bitch. 2. Stop mogging on people. How did this arise? Well after a session with someone, I felt uncomfortable for a while. Which is always a sign that it's not good. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  Then I added this... 3. Shake it off. Shake off the feelings. I am reminded I had a weird dream last night. Partly inspired by the film The Black Phone . I dreamt an ex-boyfriend called me on the phone and told me I had ruined his life... well, kind of. Then I suddenly woke and remembered it was he who really had almost ruined my life. I think we both were too young and too stupid. I don't think I could have done any better given the age I was and whatever... anyway ...

Yesterday was pleasantly busy. After Irish and computer time, I went for a run then swim... then I got some fruit and veg at The Secret Market in Holywood. After that myself and Ghin went to have Cuban sandwiches. We chatted and laughed, as usual, and I called into No Alibis to get the Norse Mythology book from Neil Gaiman, which is a suitably censored for 10 year olds. Along with the Hound of Ulster , by Rosemary Sutcliff, this will form the basis of our literacy next year. I will tell the story and then we will read it. And from the text we can do comprehension again. It will be very glorious. Like the myths. As I read the Over Nine Waves by Heaney, it occurs to me that even the mythological cycle isn't very mythic at all. It is very different from say, the Hindu myths, which really are like fucking old. I was also wondering of the Formorians were actually the English and not from Tory Island, as we always thought they were. There is no way that Tory Island could ...

I began my Steiner teacher journey in 2010. I was still working in the RSPB and I had reached the stage where I thought, if I have to do one more Big Garden Bird Watch again... However, the greater truth is, I have always loved Steiner education and was fascinated with anthroposophy. There was something about it that was both sufficiently thorough and yet mysterious which deeply appealed to me. And everything I knew about Steiner education made me think that it would be education system which I would have chosen for myself - if I had the choice. So I did choose it for my sons and they were getting Steiner educated, before I was. Then the school began running a teacher training course and that was that. I joined up without a second's hesitation and well, 14 years on, here I am. Here are some lessons I have learnt over the years@- 1. Testing is counterproductive, especially for students who take a little longer. All children HATE tests. Even those who do well in them. I am one of tho...

Hey there very tired mummy Ghin playing the piano for his last assembly The Class of 2024... I'm not crying, you are crying. So, I reach the end of yet another milestone. Excuse me while I try not to cry here. Both Ghin and Oisin are Steiner kids, born and bred. Both attended KG and then went on to complete their GCSEs here. Ghin had a short stint in Lagan which he didn't find suited him, and returned here. And weridly I did not cry at the address, but I did cry at the little kids singing, because I remembered it when he was that little too. Through everything the three of us held each other tight and we made our way through the storms and now, the storms, they be over. This part of the journey anyway. My son, I made sure he was all grown up before he was ready for this world. And by that I mean, there exists in him the strong roots of the person whom he will go on to be, I always said to the boys that I would do everything I could to ensure ...

Boundaries are all dissolved. At this of the year, when they say it is thin in on Oiche Shamhna, it is all gone. All the world is breaking down into tiny little glittering pieces and we are once more united. The sun has reached its fullest extent and it is embraced and beloved by us in its entirety. Everything has come into being. We have finally found fulfillment. Yesterday someone asked me TWICE actually about the St John's festival. Why is it called St John? So... I said, the St John's Gospel is the fulfillment of Christ's promise. It is Word which was made flesh and now it is made into spirit. There was a wonderful gentleness in the festival which saw the children so beautifully held by the teachers. Our school is a great school, it is an incredible school. It is a school which tells of the possibilities of what a great education should look like. I felt so touched, so filled with privilege to by part of it all. Then yesterday at the Solstice gathering, a ...

I wonder if anyone blogs anymore? How many more days until they tell me this service is closing down? Here my collected thoughts and memories which have settled, like sediment, year after year, to form seventeen years of existence and evidence. Yesterday I read The Summer's Flower in the Holywood Wine Dar. I had never been there. There were fewer than 15 people, so it was the perfect place for it. Despite standing up in speaking for sevreal years now in front of people, I still get the jitters before a crowd when doing my own work. I have never done it in a public place before. It felt strangely exhilarating and good. I don't know, today does not seem a day for writing. It feels like I have not a lot to say about anything. Does this mean that I have stopped processing things? It does seem hard to believe. It's wonderful how people are still building communities out there. Being stalwarts. My time for stalwarting is over. I am no longer supporting p...

I DID manage to not overeat yesterday after school. I had the chicken skins, and half the duck portion. Then I had 2 oranges and a glass of milk with chocolate and a small portion of ice cream. That was IT. I did have a glass of fizzy apple and some crisps. I did feel full, but not overly so. Whatever it is I am having, I'll have half. the chicken skins I fried and extracted most of the oil. But I have generally steered clear of sugar and carbs. And the weight loss continues. I only have two weeks left. I can do this. At the wine bar, I did not drink and any alcohol which was fantastic. It felt great to be myself and be comfortable being myself. Being happy in my skin. When did that take place? It kinds crept up on me. There has been something which I have longed for all this time. It is now here. Here we are. Here I am. Just myself. And who is myself? What is this myth of dying with someone? Getting old together? When was that a thing? This myth of staying together n...

 This time of the year is all about the struggle. The struggle to keep up. Where in winter we rested in the womb of the Earth, in the summer we are all front and crazy. They call it excarnation in Steiner. that the astral and the ego are off and away, untethered and we are a little bit crazy. Everyone is off and away and very little learning takes place.  Yesterday I said something very hurtful to a friend and colleague. I was only trying to be helpful. But it came out wrong. Although it was strange that it never crossed the mind. How can these things not cross people's minds? The constant indoctrination which people have here about World War 2. It's so unhealthy. And instead of sowing peace it has only continued to create resentment and hatred for certainly the bigger countries in Europe. It is a subject and wax lyrical about in private. I hate war and prejudice and I hate anything which creates this divide. It's kinda mental. Anyway, I hope it has been resolve...

This post is about self care... It is about making sure I take care of myself. This post is about creativity and eating well, sleeping, making sure I power down when I need to. I am going to eat half of what I ate yesterday today. I had two burger patties, two eggs, a handful of asparagus, two boxes of mangoes - so two mangoes and two glasses of milk. I did feel very full because, apart from the eggs, I ate everything else in one sitting. So I think i'll cut down on the dinner part of the meal and just have one of everything instead. But I have totally taken carbs out of the equation. No more rice and noodles and bread. And no more sweets. I did have a lemon meringue pie last Friday. and some chips. But again, like I said, food is just not a thing for me any longer either. It's very strange. I think the fasting is good for me too. Again, no alcohol. Alcohol doesn't even feature in my brain any longer. I actually don't remember what it was about alcohol whi...

Yesterday was pretty awesome. I am tired though. I did have a burger, a patty and cheese, half a sausage and a quarter of a pineapple. Oh and a salad and a glass of milk mixed with yoghurt.  There was Forest School and it was very peaceful. Children want to be left alone to play and they could have played all evening... But I AM absolutely exhausted. I really really WISH I had more energy, but that I have any energy at all... So I have nothing else to say, except that I did come home again last night and fall straight to sleep. I am on the weight losing trajectory. I'm eating sensibly and healthy. Drink is no longer a temptation. In fact, it feels like a distant dream. A strange distant dream.  It's weird. When I think about my life... what defines it... strange. I had a really great childhood, marred by education. I acknowledge that it opened doors for me, and I am grateful for the doors it opened, but the doors I was supposed to walk through I never did. Door o...

It is supposed to be the most beautiful time of the year and we have the most disappointing weather this June. I will now write one piece of creative writing a day. It could be a poem, or a prayer, or a short story. But one piece a day. That will be my discipline from now on.  All the flowers are here now. They have arrived. Through the long dark nights, through the starry paths. Percolating through the clouds, travelling the air, to burrow and rest and then... grow.  It is their time. They sway and breathe. They exude honeyed scents. They are careless of their own beauty. The radiance they cast is insouciant. Bees and butterflies cluster upon them. They respond with wanton abandon.  For here they live - in the pinnacle of their glory. Their heyday -  this summer's flower.  This summer they will be riotous and not give a second thought to the hereafter. For now - the Now, it is eternal. Now the sun and the moon and the stars stand so perfectly stil...

Yesterday was a good day. Got loads done. Laundry, hoovering, tidying up. Well, there wasn't much to tidy up. Got started on the blog again and began to do work around the Goddess as well. I know that no one can decide if they are going to be sick or not, but never having been so sick in my entire life... I am not going to be sick this year. It began with that stupid foot and it never stopped. It will not happen again. Something also shifted yesterday. It has taken almost a full year, but it has shifted. With the illness and with the anger and with the transitions... a full year has past and now I have reached another far shore without knowing it. I am now actually no longer angry. What does this mean? It means that  no longer hold any resentments towards life. I know I said it before, but I am saying it once more. Ghin told me something yesterday which showed me that nothing had changed as far as his behaviour was concerned. And that it isn't me that is at the en...

Yesterday I had a really good discussion about the Goddess with Siuban. We have found a path forwards now with the Goddess. As we go along, we are building our own relationship and creating this circle of the Goddess. Slowly a solid circle is emerging. I am supposed to do a closing out ceremony. What will that looking like? Great Mother, please hear us. We thank you for all you have bestowed upon us. This body which has been made in the image of you. This body which gives life, nurtures, nourishes, preserves, cares, is temperamental, filled with pain, as well as joy, which brings learning and celebration. We thank you for this year and everything it has brought us. All the lesson we have encountered and all the delights along the way. We thank you for friendships and solitudes, family in all its perfection and challenges. We thank you for birth and death. May we know the cycle in all its fullness and beauty. We give thanks for the Earth, the cosmos and all the unseen dime...

Work Exactly how long have I been working with the Goddess? Like properly, since I was in my early 20s. It began with the rhythms of the moon cycles and then it moved on to reading about the Goddess in art and history. Every time I uncovered another part of her, it felt like I uncovered another part of myself. Stepping into my power was a journey which I have made with her for more than 20 years now. For the past two years I have worked with her and a group of women and the land and the Divine Feminine of the land. We have respectfully listened to what she has had to say and now she is coming through, saying, I am ready to give this gift. Work with this now for the coming year. The fruition of midsummer is now here. It is burgeoning. Perhaps I had to get sick to go to ground and to listen to what she had to say. To not write anything, to not exhaust my own artistic energies, to be in touch with what the goddess had to say. I now I know when she is speaking. Because I cannot st...

 Coming round again.... It is not easy to live the life you were always meant to live. You have to fight your way through a forest of thorns. You have to face dragons. You have to storm castles. You have to give selflessly. Be hurt. Die and come to life again. And you have to do it several times. And you have to do it with conviction. And walk your way through the naysayers. And just keep on believing you are on the right path. And feel your heart break when you see other being rewarded for being shallow or inethical or being lauded for doing awful things. For keeping their mouths shut. For being cruel. Or inflicting cruelty on others. Being abandoned by your tribe. It is really not easy at all. But then there will come a time, when if you have lived a life you have believed true, and not compromised you who are, you look around and you feel a sense of... relief and freedom. That you are no longer lumbering around with baggage and feeling miserable. That you no longer wake up with ...

Spring... so full of promise 2 Feb... when Oisin left...he's now back after his great adventure Well... the final installment of the writing. the 20s are a blast, cos you have no idea what you are doing. Then the 30s and 40s are still tough, cos you are still seeking... it's kinda hard to think that you spend most of your life seeking, and it is only when you arrive in your 50s that the fog begins to clear and you have lived this life sufficiently that you literally know the score. You have seen this before, you have lived through it, nothing has killed you, you have survived. You are invincible. Practically. I think that if I get to 63, I will be very happy. That's ten years, another ten years. It's pretty cool. There is nothing left to prove. But we have survived and that is more than enough. Of course, at this stage, they tell women we are finished. A dried up husk. Weirdly, I do not feel like a dried up husk AT ALL. I know I have started to a...

It's hard to believe I lost an entire week. I checked my calendar and saw that on the 6th I got very ill and on Friday I was off school. On Saturday, I nearly passed out and then for the rest of the week I was in recovery while still going to school.  For each day which passes when I can't bring myself to do anything apart from get up, go to school, do the lesson and then go home, I feel nothing but the most tremendous guilt. I am consumed with guilt and I feel just disgusting. Than I beat myself up mercilessly. It doesn't help that for almost a month now I have been completely ill. I was getting better then this last bout of illness struck. So now I am just going to take it easy.  Who knows what life has in store for me?  Last week, I thought I was going to die. This week, I am perfectly happy with what's going on. On weight... to be honest, I only started with the not eating last Sunday. I just looked at food and had no more interest in it. I wonder if t...

Well, here we are. Oisin is 23 years old. He is on his way to doing good things with his life. I have recovered from the most awful week of my recent illness. It was short and sharp. I have sort of forgotten what it feels like to be well at all. My illness bouts have gone:- August to end September - cough End Oct to mid Dec - cough April to end May - cough Start June to now - possible Covid In the last one I almost passed out while putting up a hammock in the park. It was quite awful. But also, as a result of last week, all I could do was go to school and come home. I was completely done by the end of the week. I essentially had to choose between going to school and doing nothing else or Doing stuff and not going to school. The PLUS side is that I completely lost my appetite. And it is astonishing how quickly one can lose weight. So I have dropped a dress size this past week. Through not eating at all, mostly because I have not felt like eating. So very little by way of f...

It was so cold yesterday and I wore sandals. As a result, last night I developed a cold once more and my feet took ages to warm up. Such are the perils of older age. So i'm back on the Lemsip and completely fed up. I'll go in today and thereafter come back at 12 pm. It's so shite. I'm really hoping this will just blow over, i'm so sick and tired of all this. Well, two days ago I had a massive fright with the plane tickets to Singapore. I thought I had been scammed and although the money had left my account, I had not received the tickets. It was a nightmare. It took 2 hours of faffing about with my heart in my throat several times wondering if it was a scam, but in the end we located the tickets.  I CANNOT WAIT to get to Singapore. Yesterday Ghin and I watched The Palest Blue Eye  and there was a lot of drinking in it. I said to Ghin, I don't know if I will ever drink again. Maybe with Leon and Laurence, but really all that drinking at the poolside. ...

Forest School yesterday... Well here's a thing which has never happened before...I woke up and thought today was Sunday. That has literally never taken place before. It was a bit worrying because I stayed with this for an hour and then I realised that it was Tuesday. That was very strange. Did i wake up or did I just dream it? Forest School was lovely yesterday. The kids love it, and it is a safe space for them to play and run around and get something out of it... we cook and they experience a bit of the woodland idyll. The days go by so swiftly. They always do at this time of the year. With no children to fuss over at home, the default setting is to come home, eat something, watch TV and fall asleep. I should try to get out more really, especially with the longer evenings, but really, I just can't seem to be bothered. The front meadow is almost there. It is a work of time. The yellow rattle has established itself in it and has broken up the grass sward, making wa...

I went for a run yesterday. Emma came over. I continued reading Listen to the Land Speak . I did loads of admin type things. I came back to this keyboard after having been gone for such a long time.  It felt like a long time. I can tell you how long just by looking at how many days I was missing in April and May. I was gone for 27 days in May and six in April. Which is a long time. What happened with May? I was sick. I WAS sick. But I had also become slightly unmoored. Unhinged. I hated it. Hated it. I had no energy. But night before last, I allowed the juice to run from the phone and last night I did the same. I also stopped with the sweets. April and May were also awful weather wise. I mean I can blame it on everything, but still... at the end of it all, I think I was just very very tired. I'm running again. It is good to get back into running. I'm hoping to run daily now. Not Mondays and Saturdays. I'll just swim on those days. Despite only having...

So I wrote 10 minutes and everything got deleteed, thank you technology. Nevermind. HOWEVER, I have discovered, it was really only May I got completely untethered. I was alright for most of April... and then after that I went downhill in May. It is 100% to do with the cough. I began the May Forest School and I started with that awful cough. And it has been all of May and I have been exhausted and tired fighting it like a maniac. Because I have been more sick than not sick this year and it has nothing to do with the gym or anything. People have just been sick constantly around me all the time. So, the things which have obsessed me this year. NOT DRINKING: I can honestly say the ONLY thing i drank was a bottle of Crement since the 25th of December. There were dregs of things I was finishing up, but largely, very hugely, there was no alcohol. Especially if you think of how much I drank last year, it was been nothing short of a miracle.  ...