Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

This year has been very special for me. A wondrous experience of the outdoors. It is the magical spiritual connection I have always meant to make and now am I not only making it, I am bringing it for others. Sharing a teeny tiny bit of what we can share. That link between science and magic.  I cannot explain it actually. I don't know what it is that prevents me from doing so... Right... focus. We return to school on Monday as far as I know, although there is a national lockdown in England. Yesterday was utterly magical though - the silver of the moonlight on the trees and the beauty of the fire and the space. It was truly, TRULY elemental. I said to Jennifer, I am really living my best life now.. I really am though. I will always remember these two months as beautiful months. Months where dreams quietly came true. Weeks of gentle beauty. I went back to the house yesterday. It was musty and fusty and it was a mess. It was clear that Peter did not live in it when Ghin was not there. ...

The past two months have been a rollercoaster. Well it started with Forest School I guess... and then the house moving and then the small but strongly burning fire that is Forest School. The moments in time when we have perfect days, learn new things and are incredibly happy... those are the good good times. Taking the bufferings and rolls of life... with life... it is something which I really feel is so incredible. I am happy - but I think I am no incapable of feeling incredible happiness - like the cup overfloweth happiness. It is more like a slow burn happiness. A strong fire in the hearth and a warm heart and a deep sense of comfort and that which is right. Conversely I am also incapable of feeling intense sadness. I no longer am pulled by the tides. I still have the capacity to be driven insane, as it get annoyed over something, but I now learn that I just need it to rest. I just need it to be held tight. It is something which is beautiful. Yesterday as I sat in front of the set u...

Long story short - never EVER EVER EVER catch Covid cos you could die. Even if maybe you've already had Covid and didn't realise it. And maybe you are not susceptible to whatever it is offering.  Also say if you did have Covid and did get sick and did have a terrible time with it. YOU AREN'T IMMUNE TO IT!!!! Your body does not make antibodies that lasts and you will have to keep on getting vaccinated. It is a total load of nonsense. I will of course respect all guidelines, but you cannot tell me that suddenly the human body has started to not manufacture antibodies. It is ridiculous.  When the history of this chapter in our collective neurosis is written it will be so ludicrous that it will make medieval superstition look like child's play.  I no longer trust the testing, the diagnosis, the Covid deaths - nothing. First hand accounts tell me that there is a huge discrepancy between what the media says and what is really taking place. Covid is no longer a real illness bu...

I think... that Atlantis is important not to the entire world, but to this part of it. The two sides of the Atlantic Ocean. It is important to South East Asia, South America, (honestly I don't know much about North America), Europe all the way to India. That bit of the world. I don't think it affects China so much. Although Steiner said something like Attila the Hun was named after Atlantis. Well, maybe I'll keep an open mind. Maybe it WAS important to the entire world. But certainly, there are many similarities to the myths from Ancient India. There is no running away from the similarities there to the stories which then go on to affect Mesopotamia, Ancient Egypt, Greece, Northern Europe, and so on and so forth. The so called archetypes... when ever I try and write something about myths the entire thing collapses like smoke. Like the strange, incorporeal subject which it is. But maybe if I just start off with Ancient India. But I'd like to back up slightly. It startled...

Each day is a start. I suppose, if I did not have children I may have written something. Self published even. They are, I guess, imponderables. But it still doesn't mean I won't publish. I certainly will not publish if I do nothing about anything. As they say, fortune favours the bold. So this is the year. It was nice yesterday, writing and doing stuff and having Ghin around. We still miss Oisin terribly of course. We talk about him all the time. His silliness. The things he will say. Ghin will say Oisin is the original GOAT. Greatest Of All Time. He is OP. Over Powered. Oisin is just the best of the best. He has this about this I guess. I never sought to force that into him. None of the boys. They just are who they are. I love them so intensely, so fiercely. So I never publish. So freaking what. I published two human beings who are OP GOATS. That's gotta be enough for most. I should start writing again. I going to write something everyday for the rest of the year. I was me...

Every year, at thi time of the year. I think of this painting. I am 12 days off the current day number. Still though, that is more blog than I have written in most any other year, except for this one. Today was a good day. We sold a few Halloween slot - we just need to sell a few more - six more to be precise and we still have a few days left to go.  I wrote loads today - I wrote about Atlantis. And I also wrote the blog. I went for my 45 minute run up the hills of Craigantlet - honestly I can't believe I'm running this distance. I did some divorcey type things and I did some Forest School things. Then we had a meeting about starting up the CIC, followed by hoovering the house... honestly we did loads... and then we headed to the Asian market where we got this week's supply. Then it was some Community - the final episode - and then I did try to sleep but I had drunk so much coffee in the Nice Sip that I couldn't sleep at all. In fact I still can't bloody sleep. I di...

I get my best ideas when running - so I should run right? Yes. I was thinking the other day that the I would love to write a book for children aged 12 and above which have historical figures who have gone on to change the world in their own way. I think that should be one book. Another book should be Atlantis again. Yes. here we go again. After a few false starts, Atlantis again. And see where it takes me.  The routine of the day should return to what had planned for it to be. It has been three weeks since I walked out of the classroom. I feel a bit more steady. A bit more held together. I have recovered from the shock. OK. Writing.  Atlantis. What keeps coming back to me is the moment before Atlantis goes under. The chaos which takes place as the people leave there. I want to reread what Steiner says about Atlantis. That is research I will be inspired by. The remnants of Atlantis are this place. Ireland. Those are the two things I know. Another thread. Birth. The expulsion. T...

Perhaps the biggest danger of being my age is, after being surprised at how much more I know by dint of having just lived longer, is to either become arrogant with the knowledge and/or become quite blase about everything. This i refuse to do. Everything must still be possible - which is why I got my first tattoo, and secondly, I must always be ready to stand for change. Listening to Vandana Shiva yesterday was so inspiring. This is the group of people which is my tribe. The thing is that the Left, if it does not get its act together there will be a cultural revolution soon. Or something like it when academics were sent to gulags or put up against a wall. What is the point of books if they don't change anything? If they are used to make fun of the dispossessed and the miserable? Once again the entire world is in meltdown - or it feels that way. The stop start lockdown is even more confusing than the non stop start one. And the contradictions are something else. I just stick to the r...

So I have managed to get things together. Last week as a bit of a weird one for me. Things seem to be slippery. They seemed to just be unable to stay in focus. I went running on Monday and Tuesday and then I slipped. Well, this week it is back to running and staying in top of things.  I am going have to order this book on knots. I love knots. There is something quite magical about making a structure without the use of a single nail. I have never felt quite so powerful as when I lashed the sticks together and they made this wonderful hut. It was a feeling of such delight and accomplishment if only having a small tiny hut to sit in and feel some warmth. I got up today and tidied around the place, and then I headed to Sunday service - the mass. The Christian community. There is something wonderfully comforting about the ritual. The reading today was about the white horseman in the Book of Revelations. It was such a beautiful passage. Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse...

It has taken me all of this afternoon and evening to get chilled and back to the computer. I feel better. Good. Stronger. Not strong. I don't aim for strong any more - just stronger. As i wrote that I no longer had the overwhelming urge to be the bestest and brightest. I have had enough of that shit. What was I watching? Yes, I was watching Madonna and her evolution over the years. How she was such an inspiration, and icon, she owed her sexuality. She was someone who came to prominence by not being afraid of the raw power in a woman. Especially a young woman and because she had to be that overwhelmingly sexual and beautiful woman, her aging has been something tragic to see. Instead of embracing cronehood, she has continued to contort herself like some Empress Dowager, attempting to imagine she is still something exciting. I think that it is possible to still be excited as an older woman, but not in the same way a 20 something is excited. Why would that be? Why would I want to retur...

Some days I am just numb. Not the entire day, just some days. Other days I' am great, I am good. I am feeling it. Other days, not so much. It has been a long road here and on some days I have no idea where I'm going anymore. Just one foot in front of the other and keep walking. That's all we can do.  The sorrow, the abject, death inducing sorrow, just the excoriation of the inside of the soul - it didn't take place this time - all I have now is the truck load of self made novocaine it would seem. The years and years of pain which now means I just breathe deep, and keep going.  Not everyone can be happy all of the time, especially if you choose to live life on the edge. If you choose risk and danger then don't be surprised it doesn't work out. My friends are beginning to weed themselves out. There are people I thought were my friends and they haven't showed up or around. I've decided that life is too short to keep chasing them. So goodbye to some people ...

Well, I concede I am not going to have the 360 entries I had last year... it will be impossible. Today was a good day. I'm doing one day at a time. It was so beautiful in Hillsborough and we had a good Forest School session. Two hours spent in the woods, enjoying ourselves.  Here I am now, living this dream. The dream of being in the outdoors and giving others the chance to enjoy it too. I slept early - 9 pm. But then got up to clean the dining room. It has been a been hectic to say the least. I think we are doing on moneywise. It is a nice feeling to be doing what I love and be making some dosh whilst doing it. It is too bad that it couldn't happen in the places I worked in - but you know, I have my own place now and I'm very thrilled with that. It was a good day. An amazing day. I had a fantastic time. And that was one day. One good day. 

Plunge into the heat of battle and leave your heart at the louts feet of the Lord After a week of being completely wrong footed, I'm feeling loads better. It has been awful. The vacillation between feeling like I'm making too much of a big deal of it and then feeling that it isn't good enough. The sense that I can't do this, and I've got it. And also the feeling that I am a bad person. BUT no more. I have decided that enough is enough. I'm just gonna have to grow a thicker skin and just put up with shit. Try my best and grow a thicker skin. And stop worrying about what other people think. Stop it. I've paid my bloody dues. I'm bored now. Really really bored of myself. I'm going shake myself up and dust myself off and just say forget it. Just forget it all. It will be fine, it will be good. It will be great. But before I leave I want to acknowledge the massive burden which I took on with the school and how it has never been fully appreciated. I don...

The Pale Horseman with a crown on his head and a bow Today I was listening to a talk about the last element  - Fire. Fire is so interesting - it is the one element which in its origin story, is often stolen or illicitly given to us. In anthroposophy fire symbolises the Ego Body - it is the youngest body - it is what make us the 'I'. In the Bible it appears as the I AM in the Old Testament as a burning bush and later in the New Testament, as the tongue of fire above each apostle. The external folk fire of the Old Testament has over thousands of years and great tribulation become the individual fire - the personal I AM - our own Christ being, our own Godhead, as it were. I also thought of Prometheus, how Zeus punishes him for giving human beings fire, and then of the Tricksters in many First Nation myths where fire is stolen. It if found hidden in the dignified wood of trees, the dancing sparks in stones, the terror of a lightning bolt. Fire is also the one element which we canno...

Making baked apples I think life is about 5% suffering. You always need about 5% suffering in your life - at least 5%. Sometimes it can feel like more than 5% - it can be 95%, but then there is always 5% goodness if you look at it. 5% to keep you going. 5% to keep things sweet. Having had a week and a half I have decided of the rule of 10%. You must always have 5% or suffering of goodness in your life. Life cannot be 100% good or 100% bad - there is always the teeny tiny bit that keeps it real or let's you have hope. All you can do is count your blessings when the chips are down or feel grateful when things are riding high. Just ride the back of the dragon while this goes on. I know I have tried my best and that is all I can do. I am here to learn and to try and spread some goodness and cheer. But sometimes I do end up down dead ends and then, then... there isn't a lot else you can do but turn around and do back down the path which you have come.  Why 5%? Just to keep it real. ...

I spent yesterday between getting orgnised and trying to understand which way is up. It has been a long week after the incident on Monday and for most of Tuesday I was crying. Still Wednesday whenever I thought about it and then after that... yesterday was about feeling hollow on the inside.  But I also used most of yesterday to sort things out - to organise my emails and real mail and to sort out things with the divorce, so it's all coming along good. Still though the pain goes on - I'd imagine it is impossible to ever hope that Peter feels some kind of remorse or regret - being the person he is, because if he ever did feel that way we would not be here. It does not matter - I must just turn a focus on my own rebuilding, one block at a time. I have created order in my life,  taking one room at a time.  The  cleared out draw, organised shelf,  swept front yard.  Ordered. In small doses, at regular intervals One moment at a time =================== LATER ===...

Everything is Golden Today was a slow day and beautifully slow it was too. I started to organise the garage, tidied the house, hoovered it, did laundry and watched some TV with Ghin. Then I did some accounts, and did the weekly shop. It was £50 which was a little more than I thought it would be but it will do us for two weeks. Just like the last shop did. Then I got diesel - for £15. So I have halved my diesel usage by moving here. As I rounded the hill, I said to Ghin, you know I don't miss Barnett's Road at all. I'm not surprised he said, there's nothing for you there - I'm not never kidding. Well there is my room, I said wistfully - oh yeah, he said. And it's really neat considering you're not there he said absentmindedly. Then he said, I thought I wasn't sure about this living here and all, but it's good. I said, yeah, it IS good.  Everything is good. So the bill for this week is £66 so far. I budget £100 but if it comes to £66, I'm good with...

I am grateful for everything. I didn't think I would heal so constantly, and yet it is happening. I am healing. One foot in front of the other. I am healing. I have everything I could ever want here. I have a cupboard full of tupperware, I have all the cooking devices one could possibly need, I have plates and forks and glasses and cups - enough for anyone and if I ever needed more there are innumerable charity shops to help me. It is wonderful to be part of an economy which stays true to itself. Right. Busy day today. I want to start by cleaning out the garage. And the front of the house.  Then I will go to Christian community. Then after that, I will head back and the afternoon is for work.  CCEA School Forest School Accounts and Admin Dinner School prep Prep and planning for the rest of the year and then the week LOADS to do.  And so my life goes on... spins around. OMG I LOVE being pretty and organised Everything on that shelf was bought either at a sale or in a chari...

Odilon Redon - Butterflies Every week I do the accounts. I literally count pennies and pences - I try my best to live within my means. It is a nice feeling to know that everything is sorted. I will never buy another plate again in my life. I will never have to buy clothes if I lose weight. I will never have to buy furniture. It is all that simple. Everything has been found all I need to do is look after it. It is a wonderful feeling. A feeling of completion and relief. Everything else I find in nature. The gold of sunsets and sunrises, the phenomenon of the skies, the grass growing beneath my feet, the insects flitting here and there, the laughter of friends.  And I feel like that with my life as well. All the big questions have been settled for me. In the past thirteen years - for the first ten, I spent my 40s doing a lot of questing work. I read a lot about the Holy Grail, I boned up on so much mythology. I read about sacred geometry, I looked into quality of number. In many ways...

No snow is falling, Yet I am cold. Where is the sun hiding? Why does the wind cry out? Winter is stalking us, We cannot outrun it. - Iroquois fire ritual song

All love will, one day, meet with its return. ~George MacDonald Waves returning sunlight to the shore, Mary Stewart Adams What have I done this year? What a crazy amazing year. This year I began the Forest School. This year I survived Covid. This year I left Peter finally. This year I grew up. I did what had to be done. No more messing around the edges. The last thing I need to do now is write that book. That is the last thing I must do. I must hoover downstairs as well. I'll do that tomorrow, to keep on top of things. Then next week I hoover upstairs and so on and so forth. The nice thing is that there is still so much to do. So for the next few hours I'm going to plan again. Look at being organised once more. And this time really follow it through.  What is it like having my own place now? For years and years I lived in a low grade kinda of war zone. I'm so glad for Oisin that he got out. But I had to leave to and once I left everything felt better. I was saying to Emma t...

The mega cuties... my babies Well, it is Friday - again. A week of moving swiftly and suddenly. I cleaned this kitchen - organised everything. Once again, I find that I have everything I need. If I only lost 15 kg I would fit into everything I have to wear. That will be my ambition to lose the weight. So I never have to buy another shred of clothing again. Through the week, I have cleaned one part of the kitchen. Taking an hour or so everyday. Things have been repurposed, recycled - and reorganised. I changed the cupboard for the tea and coffee with the ingredients cupboard. The tea making area has been moved to the right and the broiler to the corner between the sink and the cooker. It makes sense. I have reorganised the drawers and now have more space. I reorganised the pots and pans. The baking cupboard and discovered I have a bakery's worth of flour to get through. I am have reorganised the cups and glasses - I have everything, absolutely everything I will ever need in this hou...

Sometimes you wonder why you were made to go through what you are made to go through. After the exhaustion of last week and the crisis of the self this week - I was looking at some random Facebook post and it hit me - I must be happy no matter what. It happened as I realised that I WAS in a codependent relationship and I was probably the codependent. It is not an easy thing to do really. But my take away on it all as I started feeling the dark abyss beneath me was to say - I am alright I am good. I am fine. I am a good person. I am someone who is worth it. And I will be happy. I have spent such a long time being unhappy and being made to feel unhappy that now, this sense of permanent freedom and happiness is disconcerting.  The longing to self sabotage is also huge. I will not do this either. And keeping people out is another thing which I shouldn't do. So today I promise myself, and I make that promise. I will be happy no matter what. Nothing and no one is going to be able to get ...

5 am. I have woken up in an effort to create a rhythm again. So this morning session will be used for planning. Rooms of the house.  I have planned that.  I hoovered the house last night. It took me almost an hour and a half and the tube was blocked, but at least I fixed that. God knows how long it was blocked for. Many changes are taking place in my life, including the creation of an amazing garden. We are putting in wildflowers in the front lawn. And the back garden will be transformed into a cottage garden for flowers and herbs. I can't wait. Bit by bit. But I need to do the garage first and I've created lots of work around that. This week we do the kitchen. God I feel so much better now with that full moon lifting. When I get back today I will take a half hour break and then I will start with admin and all the other things I have to do. Kitchen will be left to after dinner and then school prep and planning after that.  I'm doing a soup fast this month - also not havin...

Making charcoal for the week Can't quite believe how lucky I am. Three times a week I get to bathe in the smoke of a fire in a forest. It is literally the dream. Honestly.  This is the second week... it was 21 September I left. It will be two weeks. Two weeks since I went.  I spent all of last week punch drunk. Exhausted, fed up with the passing moon, dragging myself around. Trying not to think too much, going through each day as it came. Wondering what the point of everything was - would be. Then came Saturday. The moon had burst and Saturday brought relief. It was gone. Whatever was there was not passing out of myself. I was coming up for gulps of air. I began getting things done again. After the Forest School session yesterday (will it EVER get old?), I went to spend my M&S voucher on lots of fruit and some steak. I treated myself. Then I got back and was unable to move. Promising myself I would hoover and clean and nothing of the sort took place. The dregs of moonshine...