Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

The last three months. The last three months has been life altering. Well, nearly four months now. Exactly four months since I received the news about Pa. At that moment, life would never be the same again. I don't want to let that take over my life, but I don't want to downplay it either. I think the two people for whom it changed the most was Ma, of course, and then me. Ma to orders of magnitude which I cannot even explain. Me, as a sort of fallout as I stay around to make sure she is ok. When Pa looked me in the eyes and said Take care of Ma, I said yes instantly of course. He knew he was going at that point - he knew that he was about to cross over - and those were literally the final words he spoke to me. Take care of Ma. And of course I said I would. Apart from that, I am certain that the shapes of other people's lives have gone back to what they were. Everyone else was also impacted by Pa's leaving. But most especially the children in the school - and my colleagu...

I did the run yesterday - 45 minutes. Which is great. It's around 5 km. The half hour I run at the club is around 3.5 km. So 5 km is good cos I don't swim of course. I went to school after that to see if I could help and then I went to buy the inflating pump at Halfords. I did notice that so many shops on the Holywood High Street had closed. The recession is also hitting Holywood. Or the inflation. I don't know what people are planning to do if they don't rent out their places. But it isn't just the rental, its wages, its everything.  Apart from Tescos, Holywood does not have like chains - ok it has zillions of charity shops, but does this mean more chains or just empty shop fronts? Will we just have to wait out another cycle? I do not know how people are surviving. I had tea with Siuban and then an ex parent gave me a shout and I went to see him to catch up. His father had also passed away and he now lived in the country of origin with his mum, although it was a dr...

Do you know what I love about this place? What I love about this place is how people make time for each other and spend time with each other. What I love is how people aren't so busy that being with other people is no a big production. Irish people know how to converse. They know how to make someone feel at ease. They have the best sense of humour. It is a gift. And people who have to develop utility from relationships - I feel sorry for them. Even in work relationships. It is a nightmare really. The nightmare of life in Singapore. BUT I am not going to end up bad mouthing Singapore although it is largely dysfunctional. Anyway. Yesterday I went for my run - it was longer a little - and then I cleared up the classroom - well, I took my things from the classroom. I did leave a lot of things though. The things I took were my personal things. I still managed to fill an entire car with stuff. So this morning, after my run, I will be bringing the things in and placing it against the wall...

I feel... like I belong to nowhere now. Do I care? That I belong nowhere? No. No i don't care.  I detest Singapore. Singapore is a vile, shallow and materialistic place. Nothing makes sense in Singapore. Here, in Ireland, the land is eternal. But I am not part of this land for now.  It doesn't matter. I'm sure I'll be fine today when I step out. I'll be fine.  I did my Saturday thing which was sleep and watch TV. That's all. In my own house. That was it. There is nothing else to be done. I'll go for a run at 7 am. It will be fine after that. I'll go for a run down at the shore or at Belvoir Park Forest. So strange. A friend told me her dad passed away there. He would have been in his 90s I'd say. Everyone must leave one day. Everyone must go. We must all find our way back to the nothing. We came from the nothing and we will find our way back there. There is nothing in Singapore for me, unless I make it something. Unless I make it possible that it is ...

Start of day 3, back in Ireland.  It was a long journey, but I didn't really feel it. I was more - well, actually I wasn't even anxious. Just worn out. Got back to Ireland at 1.30 pm and waited in the taxi queue for 45 mins. Not tired AT ALL. Got home to the usual mess - cat hair and flies. Flat car and flat tyre. By yesterday evening, everything had been sorted and the house has been sorted. I even went for my first run yesterday morning. It felt good, I was flying. Stronger than I had ever been. I saw the class and it was a lovely reunion. I watched the play.  Then I came back and Emma and I met up after so long. Suiban came along and she blew up the tyres for me. It was honestly so so nice. Fell asleep a 7 pm and got up at 2 am. Cleared the rooms - Ghin's room first and then my study room returning everything back to the way it was. I have enough food now to last me 3 days I think. I did walk down to Tescos after my run to get a steak and I had a coffee. It's been a ...

I live a small life. I know that. In fact, I purposely chose that. I had a chance at the life of materialism and playing a part in the madding destruction of the planet and I chose not to contribute to that. I chose the small quiet life. Of chalk and soil and forests and children and teaching and my family and writing and modesty. That is what I chose. The small life. My sons, they have other ideas, of course they do. I am only happy that finally we are all together again. That we are all spending what could be the last few moment of being together for any extended period of time. The next time this happens MAY BE next summer. But we have this summer and I am grateful. Forever grateful. When your child is ill, it is the absolutely worst thing. As you sit beside them and nurse them back and will them back to health, you wish that you could take the illness, the suffering for them. It's the same thing when you see them go through hell. Some hell is just part of life. Like when you ha...

Instead of beating myself up, I will just congratulate myself on being able to be in charge of my own time. Congratulations. You have found the ability to take on a sabbatical and enjoy it. You deserve it. I deserve it.  After decades long struggle on my own, having literally done everything on my own from basic things like daily chores, raising my own children, working in demanding full-time jobs, all without the help of a reliable partner, in fact it was the opposite, having had a full creative life, playing a meaningful part in community, always working in jobs which have meant something, giving my sons the roots and the confidence and the childhood and moving to a completely different country, in a recovering war zone, creating a community around me AND having gone through a divorce - I think I owe it to myself to be able to take a beat when my father has passed away. And these days will be spent without any guilt because right now I am looking after my mother and taking time f...

Just went for my run. Today is going to be an easy does it day.  I thank my luck that I am able to take the time to take the time. Not many have the luxury.  So I will make the most of it. The most of it. Today, I will organise things and then I will do things. It is a simple thing.  I know what needs to be done. I do. And yet... I just can't find it in myself to do any of it. But it has to be done. Organise and then do the most difficult things first. Payment and finance. Oh I also need to write Eile's literacy and numeracy. I will not blame myself for the things which I haven't done. It's not useful. I will be positive and say I shall do it now. It is never too late. It is FINE.

Truth be told, I have been a little bit miserable. BUT there is nothing to be miserable about. It is utterly self inflicted. Still though, I'd like to look back over the past few months. March: Month 1 was awful with Pa's passing.     I discovered death and how much I couldn't go there - the lands of regret and had to remember all the time what Pa would have said. April: Month 2 was awful cos I injured my hand.     I cut my hand and discovered walking     This was a really awful month. The longest month of my long life. May: Month 3 was better because I was able to run and swim again. And we got shit done.     I started driving and we went to shopping centres     I started running and swimming daily. This was when my fitness began again      June: I am only in the middle of month 4.       Yet it feels like a lifetime has passed. And also no time at all. I am not going to get upset at nothing being done ...

On Monday and Tuesday, I went to see how the DSA prep was done. The DSA is a process by which students can try to gain entry to a school so that they do not need to do O levels. They can either do the IB or the A levels. These schools, I that there are 14 or so, tend to be school with academic track records. Schools which the MOE believe have students who would have gone on to do pre university education and not stopped at O levels. These kids tend to be from backgrounds which have families who are supportive about education and believe in the importance of education. It has to be said though that this belief is no one which is shared by this current Gen Z and Gen Alpha students. University, within a single generation, from being universally thought of as a good thing and very affordable, has gone on to become a albatross around everyone's necks, including the necks of the people who teach there. Since the days of David Lodge, college life has started to lose its shine, but now it ...

There is no point complaining about Singapore and a million things that can annoy you. And do annoy you. So I am not going to, but it is a strange place where multiple payment systems have made life very difficult indeed.  Ghin made a short stop over at Changi Airport. It was a joy to see him again. To hug him and be in his presence. To talk and laugh and and be together as all three again. A joy. It was a joy which I hadn't felt in months. And will likely feel less and less as time goes by. So I always remind myself that I spent as much time as I could with them when they were younger so that when they grew up I would be able to live with the treasure which I had stored up.  It would be enough. And it is. So anything else is a bonus. Changi Airport is looking and feeling a bit tired I have to say. Having spent four hours there and seen every aspect of the airport I have discovered that the so call Jewel does not seem to connected by way of signage to any other part of the air...

It was busy yesterday. After the run we went to the market, where it rained very heavily. Having warned us about extreme heat we have had a lovely week of only one or two days of awfully hot sun. But it stayed cloudy all day. So that's good. I can't tell you how I feel because I feel, especially at the start of this week, I felt all over the place. I felt really unaccountably tired as well. I think well...it's not just Pa, it's so many other things right? I have kicked all my support networks away and I feel utterly alone. This weekend, starting today, I will start with the admin and forgive myself. Forgive myself for everything. I think the best way to honour Pa and to heal is to just get back into things. That's the best thing I can do. So, today I will tidy up the toys and send some things to Jac's KG for use. That's the front room stuff. BUT i am not going to feel sorry for myself.  It will all be ok. It will be fine. So this afternoon, after we get Mas ...

Fitness update This is the only thing which I am doing with any success. I have now settled into this rhythm: Run with extended stretching: Sat and Sun Swim: Mon Run and Swim: Tues, Wed, Thurs Swim: Fri Yes, why so complicated? I only RUN on Sat and Sun because the pool is insane. I will make up for this with more stretching which anyone can do a little more of. I am now doing 100 sit ups as part of this. I won't extend the SU as I was told this was not a good idea for my back. but I AM going to do more gentle stretches, possibly for 20 minutes. In the park, not the gym. I RUN AND SWIM AND STRETCH on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays because I am not running on Mondays and Fridays. This is because I need to let my knees, etc recover. So that's the highest exercise day I have.  The SWIM ONLY takes place on Mondays and Fridays - this is because I don't run and I'm not swimming on Saturday and Sundays. So, that's a great routine to have for the rest of the year. Once...

Well, as predicted, I am indeed feeling better. Although yesterday I felt absolutely terrible. I was so unrelentingly tired and could not motivate myself - well, I was just wrecked. As if I had climbed a really high mountain. I did run and swim, and I did take Ma to the market and we had lots of great chats, I also did clear up the bags but emotionally was unable to bring myself to decide what we would give away and what we would keep, so I just kept everything. This morning, I did my run and swim and cleared the rest of the rubbish or returned what we needed to return to the bedroom. I decided yesterday I would just do an hour in the bedroom everyday, that would be ok. Just an hour. I slept well and this morning I got up and went for the run. Part of my feeling so much better has to do with the fact that I am getting fitter. This is now week 7. I am utterly obsessed with this partly because it has been so fucking tough all round and the running and swimming is all I have. Time is both...

Yesterday was the day I realised how much I hate Singapore. Everything here has become worse. Every years I spent here was always short - 2 months, no more. I didn't have to put up with the reality of life and all its idiocies. The longer I stay here, the more a realise how the entire island has become strangled by the long arm of the ___ , aided and abetted by technology. Where once there were at least spaces which people could exist if they wanted to, though it was a very small space, now...  Yesterday, at Tampines Mall, seeing how it is now built by CPF money ALLEGEDLY, it made me feel slightly ill. These places are the cathedrals of our time. The religion of Singapore is consumerism. It is now signed and sealed. Of course you have the community centres and the HDB estates and the public transport system... but in all honestly, shopping centres are where people live their lives. I need to stop whingeing. I promised myself I would not do this. So I won't. Yesterday was a rest...

I wanna start off with the exercising first. It is very sobering that I have had to put in so much effort to get to where I am now. It's very humbling. I thought I was a reasonably fit person, but it turns out that this year I have had to work super hard at being fit. I have been running for seven weeks and swimming for five. It is only now that I'm beginning to feel it has made a difference. What is that difference? Well just sheer fitness in general. Being able to get up off the floor, being able to bend down to reach things, little things like that. Also, of course, the ability to walk up Bukit Timah Hill without expiring. Actually, feeling good having done that. I know that myself seven weeks ago couldn't have done that.  After my run yesterday, Oisin and I walked up Bukit Timah Hill. It's only like what 165 m high? It wasn't difficult, but I know that if I had done that seven weeks ago, I would have died. It has only been the last few weeks which have helped me...

Spent lots of time with Ma yesterday. We watched Kiki's Delivery Service and we had lunch and dinner together. I did my swim in a very crowded pool - well compared to most other days - and wrote two short essays on Botanic Gardens vs Bukit Brown and the shopping centres we had gone to.  I think of a nobody know nothing like Phillip Ewww at the top of the investment of CPF in Singapore and it is infuriating. I wrote how these assholes ring fence the good life for themselves and tell other people they can fuck off. Everything is about themselves. I do feel sorry for Singaporeans. I do. And what's worse is that shopping centres take away from the neighbourhoods shops. So the little guy out there, trying to make it in a shop they have set up in a neighbourhood - they are fucked by the draw monsters like these shopping centres pull in. I see the way of life which made Singapore what it was disappearing. I look at hawkers and wonder how the fuck they live. The work is hot and tough a...

Tale of Two UNSECO applications: Singapore Botanic Gardens vs Bukit Brown Cemetary I think there is a PhD waiting to be written, or maybe it has already been written, about the designation process of the two possible UNESCO Heritage sites: Bukit Brown and Botanic Gardens. The new highway extension to the PIE was announced in 2011 which would cut through Bukit Brown Cemetery, the largest overseas Chinese burial ground. Incensed by this, many Singaporeans (possibly mostly Chinese) - got together and there was a massive campaign to get BB listed as a World Heritage site, hoping the designation would save it. Here is list of some of the flora and fauna on the site https://bukitbrown.com/main/topics/habitat/flora/ . To try and save it, the Brownies decided they would apply for UNESCO World Heritage status. However, the government was having none of it and in a splendid reverse Uno move, put Botanic Gardens up for the designation instead, thereby setting up a great example of privilege and n...

I should try and love Singapore. And I have really tried to love it. Really. But life in Singapore is not real life. Sadly. The only thing which is real about it is my relationships with my family. I understand we lead very privileged lives. We live in a beautiful house and we live in Serangoon Gardens. I get to swim everyday. We never worry about where the next meal's coming from. Very importantly, we have our health and we have each other. These are all very good things, nothing to be sneezed at. But Singapore itself ... that's a different story. Where to begin? I cannot complain because we actually live in a very nice part of Singapore. It's it unique in all of Singapore. There is no other place like it. In fact the government should slap a preservation order on the place. It is an actual village. Ring fenced by the houses and the roads, it was possibly designed by the British Army as a defensible position. Maybe they didn't mean to do it, but it is that way neverthe...

It is early. I'm up early. It's Pa's birthday. It is a big deal. Yesterday we ended up at Lavender Street, home of the Singapore Casket Company. It is definitely a vibe, but it is also a strange and unearthly place. It is like an in between the worlds type of place. A place where the people and the spirits meet - even the buildings and their juxtaposition is strange. Everything is not what it seems.  It was the wake of a distant aunt. Strangely, although it was an aunt, she always felt more like a cousin. Either was we were not close. Wakes are strange things. Unless you are utterly utterly broken by the entire thing, it is impossible to sustain the feeling of sorrow continuously. I think the person who passed would not mind. It's a good time to catch up with others. Everyone was surprised to see me around. I said that I would look after Ma - that's why I was still here.  It is a strange place Lavender Street. It didn't feel like anywhere. For the first time eve...

Why - 52? Because I have another ten weeks to go before I hit the 16 week mark - that's four months of running and swimming. I have, unbelievably been only doing this for 6 weeks - and I have another 10 weeks of this to go. Also unbelievably, I have obtained inspiration from AI which has more or less told me to hang in there - as Oisin said, it is now my hype man.  It has also told me to hang in there for a year, which I will do.  This morning, I didn't drink my coffee before I left. I had gotten up 'late' - at 6.30 am and I went straight out. This resulted in the dehydration and feeling unusually exhausted after the usual run. So I thought to myself, I cannot CANNOT skip any part of the getting up thing. Also, I felt utterly broken this morning. I felt like everything I ever did was a failure. This is clearly idiotic, but what can one do when one feels this way? It is a momentary passing thing which seems to last forever.  Here's what DuckDuckGo's AI said (GPT-...

OKAY - I'll do the fucking Admin, will i? Ugh.

It's not as if we do nothing. Like on the 2nd, yesterday, I took Ma to Woodleigh. We eat and we laugh and we have fun. Today I think i'll check out the Botanic Gardens later this afternoon.  Let's back up. I did get up later than usual. I had slept later than usual. Ten pm. On account of having a late but weird dinner at Jac's. I got up at 7.45 am which is late, and then went for the run at 8.30 am which is very late. It is so hot at 8.30 am, when compared to the usual 7 am start I have. Well, 6.45 am. After that, I got home and watched the Two Towers , and then we went to Woodleigh Mall. It was beautiful walking around the gardens. However, I do fear for the future of Singaporean retail. Now that I've been here for a while, it does feel like selling ordinary things is now a thing of the past. Like shoes and clothes. Part of the problem is that people don't seem to sell things which other people may want. The other issue is that everything is the same. Every sho...