26.3.26 - 88 - Plans

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Market

Pool


Park


Soi Thai

So I have decided that in order to have Ma look forward to something, I organise the day before. So for instance, today's schedule is :-

(I go for my run)
Morning exercise
Feet care
Hair cut at My Village
NTUC shop
Toast Box at 11 pm for early lunch
Home and sleep
(I go for my swim)
Tidy the outdoor kitchen
Do some art
Evening exercise
Go to park
Dinner - Yung Tau Foo

If I do this, she then has something to look forward to. I said to Jac that maybe on Friday we could go to the beach or reservoir. In this way she will have something different. Then the weekend we could take things easy. Just so that the weekend was slightly different from the week days. 

Yesterday she cracked a joke. She did, while I was away, cancel Pa's golf membership and was really upset about it. She has been really brave. She's sleeping now. Usually she's saying her rosary and watching mass. But I'm not going to get her up. She's good. 

I realise I'm pouring my grief into looking after her. It's better than a total collapse I guess. It is tough living up to Pa's ability and his good nature. Fundamentally it was good. Fundamentally. He did have a terrible temper when it arrived, but there was never any real harm. I have very much taken after him. Although I no longer have the bouts of temper. I have what they called 'mellowed'. Although I do think that the word mellow is a shite word.

It has been good to be able to run and swim. I also have a glass of wine before I head home. We have no choice. I have told myself so many times - when I have had to deal with disappointment and grief. We have no choice. We have to keep moving forward. We have no choice. None whatsoever. I certainly had to when I was younger, especially for the boys. But also just for life in general, you know.

Ma dreamt of Pa last night and he was at a swimming competition, wearing all white. I joked and said it was a PAP swimming competition perhaps and everyone let Lee Kuan Yew win - or he'd sue them. There is so much alcohol in the cupboards. At least 20 bottles of brandy and cognac. I said that it's astonishing that Pa didn't die of liver failure. What will we do with all this booze I asked? Maybe we could organise a party for Pa and give away his booze in a raffle for the Party in Ireland funds. 

I also tidied the kitchen counter tops yesterday. Everyday, a little something. 

A little something something. 

I should get ready to go for my run now. I'm glad I'm getting some tidying done everyday, even if it is a little bit of tidying. It all counts. Miss you Pa. Give me strength. I love you very much. I'd say more than you will ever know, but I think you know now - AND I also know that you love me more than I could ever know. Ever. Thinking about you. Always.

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