Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

Woo hoo!!!! Ghin toddling along - finally!!! My baby's all grown up.

Now i can greet you, meet you - once again. Look into your eyes and see what was That which existed, in all its glory I can smile, accept, be grateful Allow myself forgiveness Better yet - allow you forgiveness and move beyond that. Run over our memories to discover they are no longer sharp No longer do they cut, or invoke the hallowed longing which life itself could not fulfill They are now glass pebbles. Those shards, once broken, polished by the rough sea sand blasted and rolled ceaselessly softened to magic jewels that mermaids and children, those untouched angels of this earth, may only collect - to marvel at, and stare.

We'll be doing a piece of Tara action at the Ballynoe Stones on the 23rd. But it is no coincidence that on the day we visit a stone circle, is the day i am made whole again. For so long i carried the fear of memories inside me, afraid that seeing them, revisiting them would reopen longings and regrets. Wishings unfulfilled, sadnesses which would leave me empty and pining in their wake. Of loves lost, of lives denied. And then i opened up, and saw what was, and saw the sweetnesses, the sorrow - and deep within that the gratitude. I smiled at myself in the same way i smile at young lovers who hold hands as they walk down the high street, at old couples who still hold hands, at Brahms' confections for Clara, Neruda's etheral and earth compositions to his lovers, at children running after butterflies...they all exist and i existed. And for that - i am grateful. For the sunrising, for the moon's perfect fullness, for the rushing of the horse waves on shifting sands, for the ...

The dog which Ghin has imaginatively called 'dog' goes everywhere with us now. It's a loan from Anita. A genuine Belfast made cutie.

Ghin in the Coffee Yard It was the eclipse this morning. Yes, let's blame it all on the eclipse. For days and weeks we can sail about on our cloud chariots, being happy, feeling virtuous, practising with effort or effortlessly, nothing trips us up. And then, like buses, tests come in threes, fours, fives...and suddenly i find myself back in the frigging depot. It began with this morning. We were late for school, so, for the first time EVER i pulled into the carpark, so that i could get Oisin down. The bus driver for Camphill, who had just let off the Camphill chldren int he carpark came out and said to me in the most patronising tone ever, You are not allowed to come in. And then proceeded to tell me what an irresponsible person i was. I said, look i was late. Well you should have left earlier. That was when i said to him, You are being really judgemental and rude. There is a way of telling people they aren't supposed to do something and you don't have to be rude about it. ...

Hee bee jee bees - ladybirds hatching - i'd never seen the like. The boys pointed them out as they scaled this tree just outside the museum. Little boy drives horse and cart - very small horse and cart... Shire horses gee up for the ploughing...it's a very zen exercise really. To plough properly you need strength and skill and good horses. The earth has to be soft, but not too soft, and the skill and stamina required will have to be built up over years and years of exericse and labour. It is deceptively easy. you hold the plough as the horses pull it - nothing could be further than the truth. The horses must be guided, the plough is heavy and it is an art just keeping it on the straight and narrow. But oh, the satisfaction of well turned earth - and to know that you did this yourself. And the silences, the poetic silence, only broken by the tramping of the horses as they tilled the earth with you. Wagtail landed every now and then to pick at the freshly shown sods. Sparrows and...

This was really good moishi too - it only cost £2.25 - yes that's right, nearly $10 for moichi. I think that would have bought a whole tub in Singapore. But we all enjoyed it. Which was weird, cos i don't really like moichi to begin with. I must be very homesick.

Ghin staggers around Queens university, 'straight' from the student's union - a glimpse of things to come.... He is now able to do this with just Daddy holding him. Tomorrow will be the Horse Carting and Ploughing Championships at the Fooking Transport Museum. It's a pretty amazing thing. Traidtional carts will be horsed up and people will be walking about with willow shopping baskets pretending they are still living in somewhere near the border to Fermanagh. The thing about the museum is i'm pretty sure it's all less than twee to country folk who probably still live in not so very different accommodation. Why our place in Donegal is EXACTLY like that - take off the lino and viola, damp, concrete, single room dwelling, leaky roof, rustic furniture, taps that don't quite work, dodgy water pressure. OK we have central heating, but that's theone concession to modernity. Electricity. That's about it. We even have a neighbour who still lives in a limewash...

I was googling for the image of the Bhudda of Compassion and came upon this. This is really, really, really good. It addresses all my current challenges. THE BUDDHA'S "THREE RULES" For Improving Dialogue Buddhism values dialogue. By sharing the thoughts, feelings and experiences of ourselves and especially of others, we expand our horizon of humanity and develop bonds of trust and friendship. To understand another person and be understood by her or him is to experience the joy and the strength of our common humanity. When we experience benefit from our Buddhist practice, for example, we wish to share it with others. But sometimes our conversations may not go as we expect. In fact, enjoyable and meaningful dialogue rarely occurs without effort. The Lotus Sutra expounds three key points to keep in mind when we dialogue with others, especially when we try to communicate the greatness of Buddhism. In the "Teacher of the Law" chapter of the Lotus Sutra, Shakyamuni Bu...

We, as a race, exude poison. There is no doubt about that. That's how we are able to kill each other. Or exterminate life without reverence. I couldn't watch Atilla the Hun last night on BBC One. As if we didn't have enough real life violence on the news and newspapers. Need we watch reenactments, which were probably worse than they really were, on our so-called documentaries? I turned the TV off. Which was a blessing in disguise cos then i got to doing some writing. However you can't turn people off. You can't say, Gee, what you're saying there is really not very nice - because you're seeping with this bile. It's not on. They'd go into denial and then there would be a falling out. Which isn't the point now is it? And at the same time you don't want to be a patronising git. They know they're seeping poison, that's why they're doing it. This is part of the practise - the learning of skills. What do you say to people who are hell be...

I'm trying to make up for lost time, not posting for almost two weeks. But lots has happened, i promise. Most of it has happened with Ghin, of course. He's incredible. He now has these conversations which are filled with sound and meaning, even if they signify nothing - no, that's unfair. They are filled with meaning, it's just that i haven't figured out what that meaning is. But it has all the question sounds, the emphatic gestures, the insistences, etc, etc. I don't remember Oisin having that range of expression at that age. But there's much i don't remember about Oisin at that age. Which is partly why i'm capturing Ghin's childhood like a fiend, so scared that i'd have missed it without noticing. Yesterday Oisin came in to say good night and i watching his silhouette departing. He had just been through a growth spurt and his walk has also become older. He's growing up, i thought to myself. Soon, very soon, i'll have him towering ov...

I have started reading again. This also means that i've managed to tear myself away from the TV. Thanks to the Holywood library. I do not understand this, right...an expensive hedious place like the Dundonald Ice Bowl is filled with people - a place like the Ulster Folk and Transport Museum - empty. I know it sounds very boring, or not so boring - Oisin asked me once, what did you call it? the fucking transport museum? - We spent yesterday afternoon at the museum - a brilliant hope filled day - spring was finally here... Ghin watches Mama on the Skype. He now says hello to all computer screens, regardless of a Skype being on or not. It is truly surreal. Chilling at the old school house... ...standing shot... With the other mothers. Someone asked, who did you go to the museum with? Oh Liz and Anita. Oh, i thought it was a family affair, they replied. It was...we're practically family. Peter and Ghin fight for the last of the Smartie milkshake in Clements

Ghin examines the beeswax candles on the nature table. Annoyance. I've been thinking about the times i get annoyed. I have narrowed it down to one thing - control. See anger happens when i'm wrong headedly trying to protect myself - when i'm feeling vulnerable. Annoyance happens when i can't control something. And it could be something big or something small. When i feel myself getting annoyed, i now try to say - let it go. It works. Most of the time. It is also far more fiddly and difficult than anger. Anger's nastiness is more identifiable - more reprehensible...and so easier to manage. Annoyance - i tend to think that i'm justified in feeling annoyed because i think that no rational/sane person would do X Y or Z which is making me annoyed. However, i know in my heart of hearts it is yet another obstacle to peace that i must lay aside.... Arrogance, i have observed, happens to people who think they are better than others - which is a given, i guess, but also t...

Ghin's been starting to walk now - with support, of course. He goes into spasms of delight when we let him do this, shouting and laughing uncontrollably, as if he has just won the lottery - if he understood what this might mean.

Here we are enjoying a smartie milkshake in queens.