Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

And of cousre when it is all whole... we no longer have anywhere to go, so there is only one way... down. Do we as human beings desire, does something make us yearn for the whole, or do we want both, a wholeness and a dissolution and life is about that movement from one of longings to the next?The Bhuddists teach equanimity, but is that not the recipe for boredom? Either life is predictable and boring or we move in swings - ups and downs - and take the highs with the lows? I'm not sure. I want desperately to be there for the kids, to create a stable place for them, but i find myself getting restless and bored. Recently Oisin asked me if i was annoyed and tired. I was neither, but i have been quite snappy lately. Peter said i was being thuggish. Well thuggish is probably a bit of an overstatement, but certainly snappy is right. Why i am snappy i cannot tell. I think i may some time alone. Possibly i have not been running daily - i sorta wanted to go running yesterday but couldn'...

It has been ages since i had fun at work and yesterday we busted the fun quota by taking our clothes off in public, hanging out at Shane's Alternative Ink while getting our backs painted and now... its the front page of the Irish News. Woo hoo, result! How it all came together... I paint the world on Brona's back...it was a veritable workshop of frantic painting... Shane stencils Mickey's back Bee orchid, what can't you tell? At the seawall... You close enugh? Things are really looking up by way of my head. I finally got down to what it was that was buzzing round in my head in the last post about my confusion over spirituality and while i was hanging out clothes the other day, i thought god, what is god and why god? And then i thought of myths and narratives... and then i thought of the idea of god, and why we needed one, even though clearly there seemed to be no good use, apart from giving comfort and love which should not really be sneezed at, of course striking terro...

This is Ghin waiting outside for Oisin to land a water bomb on him. He seemed happy enough to do this. Clearly i have much to learn about the male species.

We heard over the weekend that a long time friend Ursula passed away peacefully in Switzerland. She was only 46 and it again words fail the moment. I drifted from Ursula, but when i first got to Derry she was a very close friend. We went on long walks and had many many quiet evenings spent in her wee house in Donegal. She was the sort of person who was very straight and forthright but extremely caring, very interesting, thoughtful and kind. When we moved to Belfast, inexplicably Peter became her good friend. This was mostly through Zen. They belonged to the same zendo and Peter tends to be very protective of his friends, so i never really got reacquainted with her again. Still though she was still a part of our lives and when she became quite ill it was hard to believe that someone who lead a lifestyle as healthy and as balanced as hers could have cancer. We thought that she had beaten it, but when it resurfaced last winter, there seemed to be very little the health service could do fo...

Watched Game of Thrones last night because i wanted to see what i could recognise from the NI bits of the shoot. Well there was Shane’s Castle, the Mausoleum, we were actually there looking for bats this winter when the set was being built, the Paint Hall, for indoor shooting and lots of breasts. The last ones i did not recognise. Needless to say, i differ with the critics. I think that its great that NI is getting lots and lots of money and coverage from this series, but the pilot has been mostly shite. It probably appeals to 20 year old men, but the last time i looked i was not a 20 year old man. There is like this man who does not talk and grunts a lot and is quite well built, but since that kind of man does nothing for me, it’s not great watching. There is also incest and random killing of 10 year olds who climb the walls of castles, so i think i will not be watching it. For me it was a bit like someone’s rather immature imaginings of some debauched medieval fantasy, and that someo...

Suddenly there was sunshine. It was all drizzly and rubbishy, and suddenly there was sunshine. I am in the midst of organising the Pink Floyd homage shoot, and it has been interesting. So far i have visited Shane at Alternative Ink, been shown how to stencil a tattoo design, visited Belfast Harbour Reserve where i saw almost two thousand golden plover fly over in breeding plumage – they are easily my favourite wader, sod lapwings, and that said, i saw two lapwings poking around the green on the way out from the Harbour estate, just like that. People are dropping out like flies. It’s to be expected. Suddenly everyone is not available after saying they were available. Naturalists go naturist, i thought would be a good line. Or Taking off for Nature. Or Conservationists recreate Pink Floyd’s Back catalogue showcasing our most endangered wildlife for the elections. Or something like that. In truth, i just want to become a film maker full time i think, i think it is just the delight of doin...

I have to credit Johnny with this idea. He has it up on his wall. I am hoping this will be the next RSPB campaign image to launch our manifesto for a biodiverse environment. It's so gotta work.

This reflects as badly on me as it does on T Mobile, so i am not judging them. BUT here dear reader are the facts. I stopped being a T Mobile customer more than a year ago and became an O2 one, because the T Mobile coverage was crap. You could not get signals where you should be getting signals, so i thought feck that. Two MONTHS ago i got my finances in order. As in i looked at my directed debits and horror of horrors, i found out that my direct debit with T Mobile for a £30 a month contract was still being direct debited from my account. That meant they owed me more than £400. I was utterly disgusted at myself and them, and so i did what any right thinking person would have done. I resolved to get back the £400 and then cancelled my direct debit. Yesterday i received a letter telling me i owed them £61.62. So i called them and Lisa in Team 117 told me: “Oh i know what you have done, you did not call and cancel using the PAC code.” “But Carphone Warehouse set it all up for me.” “Well ...

Our home is now officially squalid. This is due to several things, but here would be the four top reasons: 1. I have not washed the bathroom for at least three months now. 2. The windows have not been cleaned since we moved in, 2001, the year, not the film. 3. There are several year’s worth of spiders’ webs hanging in various corners of the house. This is mostly because when i hoover i forget there are spiders’ webs since i am looking at the floor, only when i sit down for dinner do i remember, oh i forgot to hoover them. 4. Most, if not all, the rooms in the house could do with some sort of spring clean as every surface is mostly covered in dust. It looks like the set of Miss Havishem’s house crossed with ... not sure what i’d cross it with. Its not quite Filth Fighters, but it wouldn’t take an awful lot of tweaking to get there. The most disgusting place must be the cooker. The cooker itself is clean, it’s just the bits on the sides, the hard to reach bits that represents layer and l...

Last week was last week. And it was a stunner. We had an amazing weekend in a weekend of perfect weekends. It began with the Easter Festival at the Steiner School and then on Sunday we spent the afternoon at Botanic Gardens and after that we headed to the museum after that. And then the evening was gardening, sorting out the rabbit hutches, yes, that would be plural, and of course a trip to the Asian market where we bought up most of their stock of Indomie. So here we are... bliss, on brief, beautiful summer's day in April... There is a cherry blossom in Botanic that Oisin and i have always hung out under when the flowers are out. This year, for the first time, he climbed it... my baby is growing. He took the photo from the tree of his mommy who gave him a footie up! That's Ghin below... with the frisbee. I was told today that Ghin said he will never be a big boy! Dazzling, dizzying and divine. Nothing beats the flowers of spring.

How are we going to move ahead? What is the big vision? Perhaps no one has a big vision. Would that be possible? The ones who lead us have no vision. They are simply glorified bean counters and pencil pushers. And real leaders are kept away because like attracts like. As i grow older i see how people are so seduced by titles, position and the power that they then attribute to the position. Then there is this bizarre mentality that people invest in power. So much so that they are willing to possibly die for it. Maybe i’m wrong. Maybe people accidentally die. Shakespeare, it’s been a very Shakespearean week, is known for many wonderful things, but i love Shakespeare for his incredible grasp on power. If anyone wanted to know about power and the undressing and redressing of it, they could do worse than to read all of the history plays, which i was forced to do at the tender age of 19. It was an eye opener. Well at first, it was awfully boring. And then it became utterly engrossing. After ...

The sun is out and it seems like we are having summer now. Last night Lisa came over for dinner and we blew eggs for the Easter festival with her daughter Tilly. But not before a bout of Xbox and some general mayhem which is to be expected if children are about. Lisa and i enjoyed a bottle of wine and some excellent conversation last night. If i do say so myself. There is nothing nicer in the world – apart from running, sashimi and sex, clearly – than a beautiful spring evening masquerading as summer, and friends and conversation and wine. We had some leftover from Anthony’s dinner, ribs and then after we blew the eggs we made cupcakes from the remains. Ghin had this idea of threading buttons too so as we threaded buttons we also blew the eggs. And drank the last of the wine, and talked and laughed. Lisa and i are discussing a video. Possibly about homeopathy. I know it doesn’t sound very Cronenberg, but i think he might be overrated. Oisin asked us if we would win an Oscar, and Lisa s...

I have spent most of this year crying at the news. It all began with Tunisia, and went on with that poor girl and bride Micheala Harte, whose father was a bearer of the coffin of Ronan Kerr the policeman killed by the car bomb. In between that there has been the tsunami and earthquake. And the radiation. All of the Arab Spring. Then there was the sudden death of a teacher in the school. All in all it has been a pretty tragic three months really. I don’t know what it is with the world. We had a dinner with a friend and his wife last night. I cooked some siow bak, from the Asian market. It was such lovely looking bak, that i had to buy it. My dad has told me that i cannot say very frank things now. I am 40 and i can’t say what i really think. It’s a bit depressing. I’m thinking of banning him from the blog. I remember when i was a kid he used to say, be careful the kinds of photographs you take, they might come back to haunt you. Well you know, i’m sort of an age where these things reall...

I love running. I adore it. Nothing makes me happier than pounding the pavement, wind in hair, scarf whipping round, gloves and heart and sweat and you get the picture. But i am 40 and my knees are fucked. They are. And my ankles play up and i worry that if i push it, i will end up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. But apart from sex, nothing else gives me so much joy, ok, maybe some very fresh sashimi, but really, i love running. And i can’t bear the idea that i might have to start doing something like tai chi. Tai chi, ugh. That’s for old people. Unless it’s Jet Li type taichi, and perhaps i could start doing some wushu, or something like that. But it is depressing to think that this is where i am now. This is where i will be. 40. Somethings cannot be denied. I was at a party two weeks ago and i was the oldest person in the room. Other people were between 23 and 39, but i was undeniably the oldest person there. I said, i loved being 40, which is true. I do love it, it was like...

SEBASTIAN Ha, ha! What things are these, my lord Antonio? Will money buy 'em? ANTONIO Very like; one of them Is a plain fish, and, no doubt, marketable. PROSPERO Mark but the badges of these men, my lords, Then say if they be true. This mis-shapen knave, His mother was a witch, and one so strong That could control the moon, make flows and ebbs, And deal in her command without her power. These three have robb'd me; and this demi-devil-- For he's a bastard one--had plotted with them To take my life. Two of these fellows you Must know and own; this thing of darkness! Acknowledge mine. CALIBAN I shall be pinch'd to death. - THE TEMPEST, Act V, Sc 1 It has been such a difficult time over the last few days. The bomb that detonated and killed the young police officer has made us think that this will never end. I am not a fan of the police and the inherent fascism they represent and they are, but i am also not an a...

The 80s are back, Ghin is Charlie Sheen in Wall Street

Why should one priase mood swings? Because if you can go down, you also can go up. And i am now on the up again. It's just that when you are down, the gritting of the teeth and feeling that perhaps life is a little better than a radioactivated field of dreams, that is fecking tough. At those times, i just want to PACK IT IN. When i was younger this meant sloughing the mortal coil, which was not usual, but not unusual either. I never really did anything about it, just wondered, in a Hamletesque fashion "What dreams may come ... in that sleep of death?" - conincidentally these would happen around exam time. The sense i would rather be dead than doing this... and then during results time. Now packing it in consists of fantasies of running away. With myself mostly. Because i've had enough of the cleaning and mopping and tugging at forelocks, and being referee to two boys who are intent on either tickling themselves to death, or eviscerating each other with wooden light sa...