Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

Taken today...  I went for my first run in three months today!!! It was awesome. I know that people who don't run will say to me jokingly, 'Who was chasing you?' but running is how I deal with my life and if i'm not running then something is not right. For the longest time the thing which stopped me from running was my fear of not being able to get back into my running gear after a long long time. This time round, my excuse is the crazy start to the year which I had, which I should not discount really. Last month I had no car so I walked most places, and then before that in February, I also had no car for a bit. When I first came back in January it was pure mental the jet lag and the boiler being on the blink and the car needing MOTed plus failing MOT plus needing to pass MOT, then being fucked.  So it has been a crazy start to the year. PLUS the entire madness of the war and then hearing about Ahab having dementia which REALLY knocked me for six... then my ...

It has been a reawakening of sorts. Today, I got up, and began cleaning the toilet at 7 am. Then I hoovered the upstairs, folded clothes and organised the various places around the house which had been left languishing. I think not having a car has discombobulated me a bit. But I'm getting used to it, although I can't wait to get it back, and I we have also come out of that fog of Pisces.  I did write yesterday as well, for the first time. And I'm going to do that again. The shock of the rough start to the year, plus the unexpected expenses, is also wearing off and everything feels so much more doable again. I must learn to forgive myself. It can't be helped if I have been just dealing with lots of things all the time. It can't be helped. Then for the first time for a week and a bit I called Ma. She was doing well, although she wondered where I had disappeared to. It has also been great doing loads and loads of things with the class and that has mostly t...

I had a very odd dream last night of trying to shut off someone talking about the radicalisation of young males, of course it was because I had fallen asleep watching this TikTok about Adolescence.  I finally woke up at 8.30 am. I love Saturday. It is a day where I don't have to do anything really, but I do. Cos I have been so collapsed over the past three weeks... I have just come out of the chaos of Pisces.  Now we are in the clarity of Aries. Also, recently the end to a story had occurred and it has now been laid to rest.  I am now in this beautiful harbour. I am now going to think about the next few months till we go to Singapore. I did have A bottle of wine this week. I think I can have a bottle and be ok. It's not the end of the world. It is a good balance to strike. Although I do also like being free from alcohol. It's a good compromise to come to. So now I'm going to go and think about the next few months till the 30th of June. What is fulfillment? It is to know...

I think that until I stopped without even realising that the world had nothing new to teach me - I know, it's mad right - I was always looking for something new. Of course I can always learn a new skill or a new language, which is what I'm always doing, or go somewhere I've never been before, but real true insight, that is happening less and less. In that sense, there is nothing new in the world. It's like the say there are only seven kinds of stories, told in different ways, there are only a certain type of people, even faces are a certain type. Behaviours are a certain type. There are mysteries which I no longer think about because through the sheer force of living these no longer are mysteries. I often sit with the class and talk about behaviour. Things like temper, strength, kindness, making wise choices.  So, in that sense, there are no mysteries. I stand, in confidence mostly, in my own power.  Also, as I have said millions of times, I have lived this ...

There was a lot of chat about getting older and the after life, even though we were still, looking back quite young. We had always spent time talking and chatting about things which a friend of mine would have labelled the 'imponderables'. Even now I recall those conversations.  I had always loved mythology and while not a paid up member of any faith, still am not, except perhaps tot he faith of the planet, which he was as well, I guess, he was resolutely 'scientific' which meant that there was nothing beyond this place. He did concede once that he would only ever think about another life should someone very dear and near to him die. Then the vacuum of space would be too much to bear. Yes, but that was the nature of many of our conversations.  On old age, I shared that Stiener believed that you had done all your work by the time you were 63. He said this was far too young. Sixty-three was too young to complete your work. Or die. I said. I'd be happy if I died today ...

So, the final piece in the puzzle was fitted last night and as usual it was still more questions after some answers. Isn't that always the way with life. Mostly because people do be good at just kidding themselves or protecting others or doing others a favour. Which no one wanted done. Is there any point in living an amazing life if you simply can't remember any of it? Maybe that's why I journal so much. Partly to process what I've done, partly to hold on to or create a narrative, partly to record what took place. Of course, given then volume of stuff I've created, it probably means that no one will read it and will dump it anyways, BUT that's ok. The point is that if I ever get into a state where nothing sticks, I will have recorded what I have done. Also, the work I have done is work with others. Somewhere that record takes place as well. I am very proud of the choices I have made. Well more content with them, rather than pr...

It is easy to say I am exhausted. But also that a large part of this exhaustion is both cosmic as well as having to deal with other people's problems. But I'm not here to talk about other people's problems. I'm here to record my thoughts about becoming a mother all those years ago and having seen my sons to some kind of a finish line. Watching Adolescence , I was struck by the anger in the third episode. That my child would speak to me like that was unthinkable - a child would speak to me like that. The pattern is always the same, unless the child is psychopathic, then it is the parents who lay the foundations. This was in large part my reason for putting the boys in a Steiner school. To shield them from the racism, the stress - unnecessary stress of exams, giving them a beautiful education, and my decision to join as a teacher in the school, largely motivated by acknowledging that they needed to have me there, especially when Oisin turned 12 and it was so crucial that ...

One of the worst things which anyone can do is to lie to yourself. Because when you do that whatever mistake which you have committed is perpetuated and you don't actually escape the hellhole which you have placed yourself in. Of course if you are lying as a survival strategy, you COULD lie out of cope, but deep down inside you could acknowledge that this IS indeed a comforting lie and that you are doing it to indeed cope. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have to do it. I do it a million times a day. Coping. Lie to myself. It is ok. It is not ok though when the lie now impinges upon other people. When you lie to preserve the delusion in your head. And it ends up impacting on your loved ones, especially children. It is so infuriating when the lying affects the children. When you don't tell people who can help you if they know the truth AND when the lie is about biggering yourself, well then, you know what - well, that is the hallmark of a narcissist. People think narciss...

I was so tired yesterday when I got home.  I just sat on the sofa and then went to bed at 6 pm. Well, maybe not 6 pm, but 6.30 pm after I did Duolingo.  The world is mad now. Completely mad.  Everything is mad. Europe wants to go to war with Russia. Mad. The Palestinians have lost over 200,000 people to the Zionists. Mad. Systems are collapsing. Mad. The only recourse when there is no much news around to drive you mad is to walk away. I fins solace in connecting with Aengus Og. My third day. I am doing this for a year. And a day. The tendrils are faint and fragile, but they are there. Sometimes, you can't win them all. That's just it. You can't win them all. And that's ok. I'm just bored now with other people's problems. I have zero problems of my own. Literally. That's the incredible thing. On my own I have zero problems. Why am I taking on other people's problems? I have no physical nor mental health problems - this could change. Well, apart from the c...

  The drumming session this morning went well. Daily I strengthen my connection with Aengus. This is the first day of independently drumming to connect with him. I now drum and write, then drum and write again until I have had enough. Each time I journey/write/drum more arrives. The thoughts are clearer than they have ever been. They feed me, like the hazels and I receive inspiration, insight and strength. Process, thoughts, ideas, promises and healing washes over. I have noticed that my memory has already started to improve. Just like my hands were healed the last time, this time round, it is my memory. Already I am able to bring things which I would have otherwise found scatty into focus. To sit with Aengus each morning is a blessing. Any images of him which are 'out there' are not the Aengus I know.  Over the next while my task is to get to know him, connect with him or the being of Aengus, and to luxuriate in time. Time is something which has been given to us as human bein...

Strengthen connection with Aengus Over the next few weeks, I am going to find a way to strengthen my connection with Aengus Og and his wisdom. My relationship with him is now in flux and will always be. He is, after all, Hermes, who is the herald of change. So it is one which is constantly bring change and can be listened to. I have a feeling it will be drumming every morning , like I did by the river and received wisdom. I get up and drum and hear what Aengus has to say - if anything. What learning and possibilities he brings to me. If my intuition has a guide, it is Aengus Og.  "Do not let the opinions of others define you" In many ways, even though I have lived and walked very much in my own path, I have also still cared too much about what people think of me. So, where it counts, where my own truth exists, I am now not going to care. I'm going to speak my truth. It does not mean though that I engage in futile conversations with people who are set in their views. It me...

This weekend I journeyed to my spirit guide who turned out to be Aengus Og. The choice of spirit guide was strange because I had thought this was the being who would be my guide, but there he was. He arrived. We chose each other. The journey itself was astounding. After arriving in the upper world, he handed me a nut - a hazel - and it then turned into this tree of the living heart... so the new heart has now sprung this tree. From the kernel of the nut from the Connla's Well. Then I dived into the well, following the salmon of knowledge and ended up in the Cave of Ancestors. After that, I drummed in the outdoors and several attributes of Aengus was revealed to me. So when I was about to go for my last journey, I was ready for something equally amazing - but this time only the nine hazel tress turned into maiden and Aengus turned into Krishna. I understood then that this Aengus was also Hermes, Krishna and Christ. Again, b...

I was talking about the trip to Singapore to Siuban yesterday and how it has taken me such a long time to recover from it. In fact, I only really recovered from it yesterday, after speaking to Siuban. We talked about how what I did was massive and I have been trying to down play it. That was wrong. I should not down play it. It was a huge thing - to have brought Ma back from wherever she was and to stop her decline. It was something else. And to give everything and be so worried and so this on my own. It was good someone else seeing this. I am now exhausted from it all. But recovering as spring makes its way here. Right. I'm going now. I just wanted to say it was a big thing I did for my trip in Singapore. Big. I deserve to have it acknowledged. And that I have.

Yesterday, forced by Siuban's imminent arrival, I hoovered the house and felt INSTANTLY felt better. I cleaned the kitchen and I began to look at my diary. I had literally forgotten that I NEED to have a clean house to do any work at all. I had left it too long (3 weeks) since I had hoovered. But just doing it reminded myself about this. That's good, right? Then I looked at dates and was highly relieved that a) the Easter scheme wasn't round the corner and b) that I had not double booked myself for any dates...  It was great that Siuban came over and we then talked about mythology. For TWO HOURS. And then Ghin came over and I made dinner - then after that Oisin and Michaela came over. It was sooooo nice.  Life is good - great, in fact. I've booked my trip to Singapore. Everything is alright. I am now able to move on other things as well - like cleaning up the house. Making things right. It was good. I am happy. Oisin was talking about...

Recently I had the 'pleasure' of coming across this poem about the Cailleach or the Old Woman of Beara... It was a very annoying poem. The usual finding power or cope with being old and dried up and all that usual shit.

This is how jumbled up my brain has become. I had forgotten that in order for me to do stuff in the house I had to clean the house. But so many things have just weighed on my brain that it just ended up forgetting that I need to organise my surroundings to get going. Siuban coming over forced me to hoover and wash things up and that reminded me that I HAVE to have a clean house to get things going. A massive obstacle was removed and everything began flowing. Everything was made possible again. Going into rooms which I hadn't been in, throwing and lifting stuff, the will was engaged once more and off I went. I checked the dates in my diary and realised that I'm not as much of a basket case as I thought I was and did not double book myself. I feel so incredibly stupid. Like INCREDIBLY stupid. But also incredibly relieved. Phew.  So I'm just going to start advertising the Easter Scheme now... double Whew

  Flowers from Oisin for Valentine's Day I am still very hard on myself. But this month I am going to practise radical forgiveness to myself.  Responsibility: Accept what has happened and show yourself compassion.  Remorse: Use guilt and remorse as a gateway to positive behaviour change.  Restoration: Make amends with whomever you're forgiving, even if it's yourself.  Renewal: Learn from the experience and grow as a person. I think that I'll just start with the Forgiveness part. And rest in that forgiveness. I forgive myself for not doing the things which I had planned or hoped to do. I forgive myself for being preoccupied or too tired. I forgive myself for being lazy. I forgive myself for ever feeling insufficient and not having done enough. I forgive myself for doing the most minimal things. I forgive myself for all the mistakes I have ever made. I forgive myself utterly and completely and thoroughly. I forgive myself for all the lapses and the mistakes which ...

From the New Moon group - written in place of the session The new moon came into being on the 28th - Friday. With it came the possibility of new beginnings and resolutions. Renewal and regrowth has always been encoded in humanity's - and the planet's - DNA. Many festivals are tied to the moon. From Easter, to Chinese New Year, to this one - Ramadan. The Muslim calendar follows the moon. It moves up a month each year, so that every year, Ramadan is observed a few weeks earlier than it was last year. During this time Muslims fast from sun up to sun down. Dinner is a feast, and the fast is often observed by having something sweet, like dates. Muslims meet and share dinner, celebrate the breaking of the fast, with families and friends - dinners can range from modest to sumptuous - but the main thing is community. Christians also practise - or used to practise - this fasting tradition each year, during Lent. This year Lent and Ramadan mostly coincide. Shrove Tuesday is this coming T...

  I could come up for all kinds of explanations for why I have repeatedly dropped balls since my return, but the best reason I have is this one - that I had to go to Singapore in a most unexpected fashion and while I was there I had to cope with some of the most traumatising events which anyone would have to cope in their lifetime. And I had to do this on my own for a very long time and I had to fly across several time zones to do so. So I am going to give myself the time to heal. I am going to do that at least for myself. And today, I am going to catch up on all the time things instead of putting them on the long finger. I am going to be brave and do what must be done. That at least I can give to myself.

  It has been a really difficult few weeks. Busy and depressed at the same time. I've only just developed my motivation again. Trying to turn up for the blogging. Trying to find the meaning. Trying not to miss things which mean something to me, for me. Feeling lost and miserable and just appalled at the state of the world. Being disgusted about the war drums which are beating. Being disgusted by the people who benefit from the stupidity. Being disgusted at people who are saying we should go to war because they oppose everything Trump does. The only person who keeps me sane is Oisin and then a few friends here and there. It's ok. Social media is not the real world. It's ok. It's ok. People who have never stood up of Palestine are now standing up for Ukraine. People who have said NOTHING about the genocide taking place in Palestine are like SHEEP just going oh poor Ukraine without know exactly what the circumstances are which have led to this. So the experiment has been c...

  Our second forest school OMG i think I still have that bowl! Well, I have now managed to talk myself round to the beauty of this life and life is beautiful. I am not going to be distracted by fucking idiots and stupid wars. I am going to just focus on myself and my own amazing life - AMAZING life. I have been never happier. Never. And news from the edge of my life is not going to derail me. News from times gone past. Every inch of my life has been embroidered with wonder and amazement. Every single inch of it. I have always lived my own truth and that is literally all that matters. I will continue living that life. I am so sorry for the people who are falling along the way, but that was always going to be the case. I cannot derail my own life just because of news from the places where people have been derailed. Where people have begun to need to take the step back. It is ironic that he said to me, 63 is too young to die. To say things are over. There is still so much of life to b...

  Shearwater Storm petral Red squirrel Rathlin Island To move forward, I can look back. I have documented quite a lot of my life online. I suppose I may have curated my life slightly, but with all honesty, I can say that I look back with the satisfaction that it was a life which was consciously lived. There wasn't a lot of compromise - and whenever I did compromise I always regretted it. Never compromise anything. Especially the things which matter the most. So, there are no regrets. None whatsoever. And always when I look back at the parts of my life which were the best and the most meh and the most painful, again, I would do them all again. Is it cope? Maybe, but not cope as well. So in my moving forward thing - I have... the first run of this ladder... Metamorphosis That is all we can do - we can only metamorphose. And I think that over the last few years, that is what has taken place. The physical transformation is almost complete. From the late 40s, to now the mid 50s, I'm...

I guess it would be easy to feel that suddenly everything that sort of held up a part of my world suddenly came to a stumbling halt. I suppose it would be easy to use that as an excuse. And my entire life has never been about using excuses. My entire life has never been about giving into narcissists, not giving into bullies and just standing up for what I believed in. My entire life has been that if I see something, and I understand it and will commit and I will stay the course. Until it get ridiculous of course. Or I find something better to believe in.  But the past two weeks has been a gut punch. It has been wrenching and it has been a silent wrenching. I have really been unable to discuss any of this with anyone. So the first week was the worst. Is tarted drinking in the middle of the week again, as a kind of 'fuck you' to life, and it was counter intuitive, and also well, it has been hell around the Gaza and internet meltdown over wanting to continue with war a...