15.3.26 - 72 - Day #10

After Jac left, I watered the garden and the airwell. Then it rained. Proper rain too. Ma and I sat in the living room which I had sorted last summer and we watched people pass by. Every fifteen minutes or so I'd go and check on Pa. He is sleeping peacefully for the most part - which is 99% of the time. Long may be continue to be so.

I asked Ma is she had ever been to a hospice. The conversation was once again us making sure this was the right thing to do for him. She said No. So I asked why people used hospices and she said, they do that because they can't take care of the person. They have work to do. They are busy. Pa his home because you are here. 

I did not expect to be doing this for Pa, truthfully. I thought I was going to be able to nurse him back to health and then have him do some radiotherapy. But when Monday hit, he had really gone down hill. I realise now that those were the last few times he was conscious and able to hold a conversation, even though it was very limited. There was the same wit and cheekiness. Those were his last moments of being Pa with us. Then after he ate, he said, I am very tired. Can I go and lie down now? Yes, of course Pa. Of course.

The last times. 

I watch videos about how to help him turn and dress. At first it was also about helping him sit up to have water. But he doesn't want water now. I check him to see if he is comfortable. If only I was trained for this I would be much happier. I am totally happy that he is home - I only hope I am doing right by him.

Meanwhile the war started by the US rages on. The people on the American side are the very model of the Dunning- Kruger effect in action. These old - and middling old - white men, who have no idea how stupid they are. It is hard to imagine how they ended up where they did. They have minus zero ability, they have a psychopath's level of compassion and empathy, they are utterly immoral to the point where they have been compromised severely by blackmail material. They are devoid of any moral fibre, even to their nearest and dearest. It is as if they were raised by wolves, and not in the good way. They have taken all the wrong lessons of empire, distilled it and then gone to town with it. They are the fumes which they inhale, getting giddier and stupider, all the time. Led by one of the most evil people on the planet in an age - whose whereabouts appears to be unknown.

BUT, that is the war. Who knows how this will end? All the kings horses and men and institutions which had been developed to prevent precisely this have failed BECAUSE they were use to extract and exploit the weakest and the poorest, used to punish and humiliate, and now, in living memory of WWII, we are now back to where we started again. A truly hedious superpower about to literally set the world on fire. The Brits and their constant banging on about WW1 and 2, the goddamned Americans and their incessant repetition of the D-Day landings and Vietnam War - and here we are again. These people are really truly stupid. Hence the Dunning Kruger. 

It's hard to believe I have had the adventure and gone so far away for so long. For now I will return to look after Ma, make sure she is alright. Spend time with her, become her companion. Do what I had intended to do with the both of them, always holding Pa in our thoughts.