21.3.26 - 80 - Equinox

There is no sense of a difference in light of the days here. Only 1 degree above the equator, we are as close to equal day and equal night as it gets. So dates and the change of the seasons which they mean are theoretical. We experience each day of each year of each decade and each millennia as an exact copy of the one which came before and an echo of the one which is to come. This always perplexed me as I longed to feel the seasons which we saw on TV and in the movies. Pa would recite the children's rhyme, January brings the snow, Makes our toes and fingers glow. Why would the snow make the toes and fingers glow? This snow much indeed me magical and glorious. Why could we not have seasons? Why did we have to have the same thing year in and year out? Why did it have to be so boring. Not realising that so boring was the exact climate of paradise. We lived in paradise, and due to my colonialist orienteering, I could not value my own luck.

This was compounded by the traditional festivals we celebrated - imported from elsewhere. The Chinese New Year was also known as the Spring Festival. Deepavali celebrated the vanquishing of the dark by the light - in November. Christmas - of course, the winter solstice. Easter. The list can go on. The only festival that wasn't tied to the seasons was Hari Raya or Eid. Well, that just followed the moon and changed its date to be held one week earlier each year. 

There is no Equinox in Singapore. The light comes and goes so minimally that there just isn't one.

At around 4 am again, I woke to find myself thinking of Pa. I discovered that not only is it Hari Raya today, but the fire festival of Norwuz. The Persians, who effectively gave us monotheism, and the abstract idea that your life is defined by how you behave, gave us an after life based on how you were in this one, honoured the most sacred of all elements, fire, today. I find it touching that Pa chose to leave at such a sacred juncture. The last night on Earth was the Ides of March - he loved saying Beware the Ides of March. I told him as I sat beside him on the last night - Pa, today is the Ides of March - you always told us Beware the Ides of March, remember. His wake took place over St Patricks and now we are into the Fire Festival. Pa chose to leave during this time of the Northern Hemisphere's awakening. But really, it doesn't matter much. Doesn't matter because THERE ARE NO SEASONS IN SINGAPORE.

Having lived abroad now, I have well and truly gotten seasons out of my system. My sons love the seasonless nature of the place as well. As Oisin said, I guess you always like what you don't have.

I did feel him again - I feel him all the time. I know that he is with me all the time. It helps so much that he led this full life, that he left a lifetime of amazing memories and that he loved without restraint. How did they make Pa? They really broke the mould when he was created. And he was nothing special. His childhood was fraught with danger and somehow, he found his way to this place. Jac and I could not have chosen better parents.

He is literally now everywhere. 

The entire process was both so sad with lots of funny bits in between. Jac and I made a pact that we would not fight and we didn't. We supported each other and reassured each other. We listened and we made decisions together. Every step of the way we asked ourselves what would Pa want? And we carried it out.

And that is what he wanted, to be surrounded by those he loved. We all have to die, so why not have a good death. Increasingly, I understand that, as Steiner says, he was birthed into the next world. That was how it was with his death. He spent a week being prepared and then the labour itself lasted two hours - the last stages of labour. It was so quiet after he entered the realm of death - and it felt like the room was filled with light. I now know that there is a tradition where the angelic beings come to receive him. I believe that is what they were. Even after he has passed, I could see him standing there, looking at himself and saying, is that me? Laughing away. Pulling his silly face. Telling us not to be sad. How you live, how you die - these things matter.

Why do we give away our agency in death? When did we become so helpless. I tell you what though. I was more than happy to give the agency to the Singapore Casket Company who were a well oiled machine and knew exactly what was happening. They made the entire wake and funeral process so easy - enabling us to focus on Pa. 

I have spent so much of my life contemplating death - only as an attempt to ensure that I live a good life. I see now that it was a good thing. Even though when all this broke, I was utterly at sea.

Pa's life was meant to be a celebration and it is a celebration. A celebration of a life well lived.