Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

Yellow vented bulbul, yesterday's bird completed At the club It has been a busy day. Finally tracked down Auntie Jo and she said she didn't want to have anything to do with anything, so at least we have gotten an answer. And we know she's still alive. I understand that she experienced a life altering change over twenty years ago, but the asshole who was her husband was no different from, I would say, 85% of men. Cold, unpleasant and selfish. OK, maybe human beings, but definitely men. However, it is not a reason to just sink into a collapsed souffle heap and cut yourself off from family and friends - and children. And of course people are going to do hurtful things to you especially children who will want to remain in contact with their parent, no matter how useless and hurtful they have been - but sure, what can you do? You could possibly just grow up. Well, at least she's told me that we are no longer to count her in. It is what it is, but at l...

High Priestess: Start of a new cycle. Healing and insight. Initiation. Represents intuition, mystery, and spiritual knowledge. In tarot readings, she encourages you to trust your inner voice and explore the depths of your subconscious. Subject of the reading Three of Swords: Heartbreak, turmoil, sorrow - leading to growth Ten of Wands: Carrying a great burden, perhaps more than you should. Feeling overburdened and stressed due to taking on too many responsibilities. It suggests that while you may be nearing the end of a challenging period, the weight of your obligations can lead to burnout if not managed properly. Wheel of Fortune: Everything changes. Part of life's ups and downs. Embrace whatever is happening and look of opportunity. See where you can go/ grow Ace of Swords: Important decision to be made. Mental clarity, breakthrough. New ideas, cutting through confusion with insight. Three of pentacles: New beginnings, a wealth which is not just material. Foundational and strong....

Yellow vented bulbul - working on it Yu Sheng - belated It was lovely yesterday. I ran - no swim, we had lunch at HiDeLao. Jac came to get us at 1030 and we went to have steamboat. It was very delicious, but I did a little overeat. After that we came home and Ma and I slept. I got up at 3, which was too late to go for a swim cos I had to do loads of Admin to do with Pa and will and things like that. Then we had dinner at Jac's and got home around 8.30 pm which was a very long day for us. I had some concerning news from a friend about their health. Nothing is good in the world right now. Not to mention that Israel has released sewage in the water supply of Gaza and the war in the Persian Gulf is escalating. Iran is clearly waging a war which is going to take everyone with them and the US cannot deescalate. I don't know what all the fucking professionals in diplomatic circles - what exactly are they for? Jesus. Anyway - yesterday a series of extremely trig...

Going to fix windchime Ma in the park, watching the small French enclave that has developed here... Maids were having the day off so parents had to show up at the park. God knows when they went home... I believe drink was involved. Completed my Olive-backed sunbird Well, it was the weekend. It has only been a week since the funeral, two since Pa passed on. It will be exactly an hour to his passing. He has been visiting Ma in adventurous dreams. Involving competitions. They sound quite hectic. It's so lovely. When he visits he is in his 30s or 40s and Ma is young as well.  Project Mama's Dapur is going great. Or maybe it should be Dapur Cowdray. We made Kiam Chye Soup and Ox-tail Soup. Both bone based soups and therefore very strengthening. I have made a list of foods we can cook and the next on the list is Babi Assam. A true nonya dish. The dapur luar is almost cleaned and it is almost over the sorting of things. I thi...

Treasures from clearing out the cupboards in the kitchen Kasut manek! - Beaded shoes using faceted coloured glass. At least 100 years old Sushi - out for dinner for the first time Yesterday was a tough day. It is nearly two weeks since Pa's passing. Two weeks ago he started to stop taking any water. I stopped waking him up to drink. He was now sleeping so peacefully that waking him up was so terrible. Jac asked yesterday should we have taken him to hospital? A conversation we had a million times. And this is how the conversation went: Should we take him to hospital? What we do know? He has stage 4 stomach cancer - with no pain. Utterly painless. The doctors said that all treatment - from surgery to radiotherapy was pointless. Pa is 82 years old. He is now very weak. He is now refusing food. He is sleeping all the time. He would hate to be in hospital. He has told us a zillion times that it is pointless being ho...

The Swee Bo Pots anyone? All shiny and clean! Signature Gardens trolley Last night I wondered if I knew that Pa was leaving us - because I had tidied the hall, dusted everything, and then thinking it would be nice thing to collect all the things Pa loved which were scattered all over the living room, I put them on a table to display everything. This is where Pa new resides. His mortal remains.  Anyway, yesterday I continued cleaning the kitchen with the help of Yati. We took off all the pots from the granite table outside and washed them down. Most of the plastic was thrown away as it had broken up. Ma has such a collection of pots and pan and many other things besides. Today we will clean BENEATH - the cupboards in kitchen and we will then store the pots we won't use inside.  Today we are going to have a home day because Saturday is a super busy day in Singapore. So this is the plan. Mass           ...

I washed the kitchen yesterday Eating Yung Park Life Yesterday continued with yet another gentle routine. Mostly carried out what I wrote yesterday. We are still in the testing stages of the wheelchair and it has given Ma confidence. We got her haircut and ate the yung tau foo. I saw a pair of bats in the outdoor ceiling. It's nice to know we have bats here. I cleaned the outdoor kitchen yesterday, washing off all the utensils and the countertop. Today I'll get a kitchen spray from NTUC and the brooms Yati wanted.  I was recalling the original shops in Gardens. We had two bookstores - one Times and one more of a stationery shop. Ah there was also a bakery! Next to the bookshop. And there was a cinema and a supermarket - Fitzpatricks at first, then NTUC. There was a skating rink until the structure was replaced by My Village. Time happens to us. Space happens to us.  I went for my run and swim. ...

Market Pool Park Soi Thai So I have decided that in order to have Ma look forward to something, I organise the day before. So for instance, today's schedule is :- (I go for my run) Morning exercise Feet care Hair cut at My Village NTUC shop Toast Box at 11 pm for early lunch Home and sleep (I go for my swim) Tidy the outdoor kitchen Do some art Evening exercise Go to park Dinner - Yung Tau Foo If I do this, she then has something to look forward to. I said to Jac that maybe on Friday we could go to the beach or reservoir. In this way she will have something different. Then the weekend we could take things easy. Just so that the weekend was slightly different from the week days.  Yesterday she cracked a joke. She did, while I was away, cancel Pa's golf membership and was really upset about it. She has been really brave. She's sleeping now. Usually she's saying her rosary and watching mass...

Yesterday Ma and I took the new wheelchair out for a spin - twice! - and the trip was an unqualified success. Despite her misgivings, Ma saw that there was nothing to be worried about and did, in fact, enjoy herself. We went to the market hawker centre for breakfast and then we went to the park in the evening - slightly earlier than I would have preferred. I managed a run and the swim and the glass of wine after the swim, so that was a good day.  The loss of Pa comes in waves - one minute everything is bearable, the next minute, it is filled with the unbearable loss of his presence. It does not matter how much you loved someone or were with them when they were alive, it is still awful.  Jac came over in the evening to visit after dinner and brought her children with her. It is always comical when they visit. Aurelia has a new found independence and confidence and it is amusing to watch her.  I washed and moisturised Ma's feet. I said I ...

The look of surprise and possibly sheer horror - felt on my behalf - when I tell people I am coming home to look after Ma. Well, that's not true. What's true is that some people - the rare few - those who are relatives who have helped with my parents, are so happy.  However, the truth is that I did tell the head of school that there was a good chance this was going to be my last year in the school. I was planning to come home for the holidays and seeing how the folks were and then I would be making sure they were ok. And if they weren't I was going to have to return to Singapore. And that was that. I fully intended to serve out my last two years, but maybe not. That was how things were, how they stood. It was what we had to do, sadly. So then came the last three weeks - three and a half if you count the week we heard about the news that Pa had cancer and not a viral bug. So in just a month my entire life changed. Promised Pa on his deathbed I would look after Ma. And that w...

The time of Aries is here Ma said that last night she felt Pa's presence. I didn't want to tell her that it was his one week anniversary - one week ago he passed. Exactly at 7.30 am. But it was only half an hour later that Ma realised that he had gone. She didn't realise that he had gone. She was very upset by this, understandably, but she was there, at the foot of the bed, and we were all with him. It was very strange after he passed. His body remained warm for a very long time after. It was even clammy. But his face - his face was so peaceful and it became more and more peaceful as it passed. I went running again today - this time it was at the same time as when the children of the French School were heading to school - so there were lots of bicycles and teenagers with no helmets cycling to the park. Serangoon Gardens is a one of a kind place. There is no where in Singapore like it. It has become a real community - and most unusually the place is mostly houses...

The cleaning up continues. I sorted the bathroom and continued to shred documents. It feels good, doing something useful. I work with Ma, making sure she's alright. I also managed to get running today and thought I'd go for a swim but I think I'll do that tomorrow. Yati has been feeding us. I bought pomelo and jackfruit. I can't believe that Pa isn't here anymore. It sort of feels like a joke that has gone on for too long now. I feel like I want him to come back, like where has he gone to? Why is he taking so long to return? But he's not coming back, sure he isn't. I still feel him with me all the time though.  I found so many things. So many things. We collected all the medication which is still in date and will send them to Assisi hospice. I binned a whole bag of stuff from the toilet. It was going down memory lane, once again. Toothbrushes collected over lifetimes of visiting hotels, flights - combs, boxes of hair dye - his Brylcre...

  Image by Lavinia Fontana. The Furnace of the Great Mother, 1712 Of all the beautiful truths pertaining to the soul, none is more gladdening or fruitful than to know you can regenerate and make yourself what you Will. ~ William James 1842-1910. Pragmatism Do I believe that Pa is gone. No. No I do not. I believe that he is now everywhere. That his consciousness, for a long, long time, will be around, looking after and being with the people he was with before he crossed over. That would be chiefly his grandchildren, his children and most especially Ma. We all know that Pa would not have wanted us to be miserable and that we gave him the best end of life experience as was possible. That he stepped into the next realm after he had stayed for as long as he could and that he has gone on to be with others who have gone before him. There was no wailing and shouting at Pa's passing. There was mad sobbing, and there are still unbidden tears, at least once a day of ugly crying, usually by ou...