Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

The Desert of the Real sounds like a mythical place, but it is a phrase coined by Jean Baudrillard and made famous by the Wachoiskis in The Matrix. Here Morpheus says to Neo, as they sit in the simulation of the everyday world - how it is manufactured and there is nothing which exists. In other words, it is Baurdrillard's simulacrum, which we live in, write large. Nothing is as it seems. We are not in Kansas but more than that Oz is also a dream, more like Wonderland. Except in the Matrix, Wonderful is not Wonderful. It never is.  It is kinda odd that it is now taken over by the far right to demonstrate how we are being enslaved by the elite. Certainly in my time, when I first watched it waaaaay back in 1999... maybe 1998 or 97 - whenever it came out anyway, it was embraced by the Left, the dissidents. The people who protested in Seattle, the people who later went on to start the Occupy Wall Street movement. The anti-WTO movement. This is why all these summits now take place in far...

Everyday when I encounter stupidity I think of my connection to the wider verse. I am better than this, no not the stupidity, I am better than my reaction to it. I really am... and I go on. For instance, yesterday I not only emptied the car, I managed to organise everything in piles which I have never done. So I know which books now go where. I have a set of books which goes like this: 1. Novels and Critical Theory 2. Mythology and mysticism, including folktales 3. How to do books, especially on art, gardening, herbalism 4. Feminism 5. Steiner/ anthoposophy books 6. Steiner education books - theory, how to teach 7. Primary texts e.g. Ancient Rome, astronomy, Brothers' Grimm, etc 8. Art books Yeah, I think that's it. And it is wonderful. Really really wonderful. And my clothes, that has inspired me to live more frugally and more healthily. The goal: by the end of this year to fit into 70% of what I have.  Yes, no biggie. But also organising all my things brought me back to mysel...

I rearranged my entire room yesterday - all the clothes in it and this morning will do the same with the car. Then I'll take it and get it sorted - the wiper, hoover it, everything really. Then I'll do the finances. It is most annoying that I can't go to the house and keep emptying it. I will need to do that again for a few more times. I have already decided where the books are going to go. The wall in front of the upstairs toilet will have all the novels. The walls in the study, my Steiner books. The wall in the Games room my gardening, cooking and art books. The walls in the dining room... and so on and so forth. I got up at 7.30 and a planned had already formed. I am killing it today. I am getting on top of everything. Everything. So many things have happened as time has gone by. It is strange to be given a new beginning at this age. I think of someone with a new baby at the age of 60. 60. That is insane. And the person who is with them. I do have the regret that I did n...

That took no time at all. The nicest part of all of this is... 1. Overcoming the fear factor It was awful, yes, having to go back and sift through the ruins of my life. My life which I tried so so so hard to create, to make, to piece together. My life which I could never glue in because the pieces were missing and broken and it wasn't my fault. Not really, not at the end... but as I looked through what could be salvaged, treasure. Beautiful pieces from my life. My wonderful books, my clothes which have inspired me to be more healthy. I know I never need to every buy anything ever again as long as I get my act together. Just things... thing after thing after thing which means so much to me. I never have to buy stationery again. Not a single scrap of paper. Never having to buy cloth! Never have to buy clothes. Never have to buy anything apart from food which I could certainly buy less of. It is just pure unadulterated liberation and freedom. And when it was done I was lighter. Walkin...

It has been a very busy whirlwind of a week. I have never been so exhausted in my life. Well, that's not true. I have. During the last session of Forest School that's when. But yeah, The classroom is ready and it looks amazing. Delighted. I went to the house and i got all the books which were mine - including the children's books. I then discovered of course that the children's library were mostly books which I had bought for the boys. I had bought mostly all of the books. Or they were given by friends. As Emma said the book not bought by me were the books which the boys asked for. Anime graphic novels then. I got most of the clothes out of the cupboard until I couldn't get them anymore. I don't have a lot of stuff in the house is the upshot of all this. The next step will be sorting through everything which is what I'll do after I do this entry. The effect of the full moon has waned but left its treasure. I truly understand it is not me, it is them. When Oi...

I completed the classroom - well almost. The drawers in my desk have yet to be done, but that is easy. But yes it is done! Hooray!!!! Worked my ass off. Well still much left of it, no worries about it every going anywhere my ass. I also go Matthew's thing advertised and finally have more or less wrapped my head around everything. Tomorrow I put the curriculum together. It has been swimming around my head and I've tried many times... but today I'm really going to pin it down.  The first class is always terrifying. We are getting to know each other and over the course of the years will get to know each other better and better. It has been such an amazing journey. But the blessings of Ix Chel and the moon continue. I continue to tune into the unctuous wonder of her light and the strength she brings me. I continue to draw the resonance of her teachings. I never believed in vibrational frequency before, but here it is. Vibrating in an unlimited way. It seems so frustrating that ...

Yesterday something very odd took place. I had woken up to go and get Oisín from Yaks. I knew it was the full moon. Absolutely. We got home and were laughing all the way. Really life with Oisín and Ghin is very simple. There is a lot of levity when they are around. After I fixed Ghin a toast and Oisín disappeared to talk to his friend, I could not sleep. So I headed down stairs to do some writing.  Over the past few months, I had been feeling a bit afraid. I was afraid that my brain was going. My writing had deserted me - that had never happened before and this time round the running was also problematic. Recovery wasn't the usual achey painy recovery. It was more in the hip joints...In a word, I felt I was growing old.  OK two words.  So I decided that I would write about that. It came into my head, like a whisper. Think about this. The changes you are going through. I began to think about my body. My skin on my arms in particular. There is a strange patch which was neve...

I've realised that I literally have no time for spontaneous meet ups. Not if I want downtime - and let's face it I do need down time. So what I need is to make sure I stick to things because if I suddenly insert a meet up I can end up just not doing stuff. So, today: 7.45 - 8.45      Run and stretch 8.45 - 9.45      Emails and texts 10 - 2                  School and prep 2 - 3                   Lunch 3 - 7                   Forest School 7 - 8                   Dinner 8 - 10.30          Curriculum 10.30                 Collect Oisin 11.30                 Sleep It begins today I guess, or pre begins. Life is good. Life is g...

I spent the morning doing the run and getting emails, etc done. Then I headed into school and started tidying up. It looks good school. I'm happy with it. I'm just arranging things as it were. I started putting up curtains - because it softens the room, and began to sort things. Today I will have sorted everything. I ended up going to the Asian market and then coming home, dropping Oisin off and falling into a heap on the floor. I've been having a strange cough. I find it difficult to drink water sometimes. Like there's a weird gag reflex. I wonder if it was to do with the mask. Perhaps it does. I don't know. But I had to cancel with Lisa in the evening because of it. And then I just sat on the sofa until I had to get Oisin. I am so tired and spend a lot of time sleeping. I don't know what it is. I fall asleep on a dime. I did run yesterday though and felt great after that. That's always the way. I went for the run and felt amazing. It has been almost two mo...

The plan for today then. Run Emails School Lunch Forest School Curriculum Zodiac Art Lisa So that's what is taking place today. I vow to make the most of everyday. And to not be miserable and saggy and fall to the sin of believing it is all for nothing. It is not all for nothing. It is all for this life which I have been given. As the outside world kicks its struts away I feel the inner frame having to consciously manifest itself. This never used to be a problem 

Thus only do I feel my very being Which, far from world experience, Would on its own itself extinguish, And building on its ground alone Would bring but death upon itself Thus only do I feel the world, Which, without my soul's involvement, Is but an empty frosty life And manifesting without power; In souls itself anew creating, Left to itself would find but death. Yesterday was a weird day. I could not tell you what I did. Some email work and Irish. Oh yes. I did go for my run the day started off really well and then it kinda got lost. I was supposed to do stuff for elements but end up being completely listless. And I think those verses sum it up perfectly. It is funny how the Calendar of the Soul is perfect ballast. And I don't actually read it on a regular basis but I really should. I also began Atlantis again. Which felt good. Before I went running. Let me see... I blogged and did some thinking about writing, went for my run and then came home... called Ma... and then I did ...

It has been many months since I did serious writing about Atlantis. And I am starting again. I reread some of the entries and they were definitely first drafts. My writing style is awful. But it doesn't matter. The whole Atlantis thing is once more, as with so many things in my life, not about me - well yes a little bit about me - but my journey with Atlantis which rises every year now for countless years now, is something which I have loved and it is my love for a place I have never known which draws me into it.  I am terrible at world building but I need to give myself a chance. What do I have? Roughly I have two protagonists and the start of an epic which begins in Atlantis. It is about the destruction of the place and the establishment of the civilsations around it. There are other civilisations, but Atlantis is the main one in this part of the world. It is also fundamentally about our connection, the human being's connection to the cosmos, the starry worlds beyond. And our...

The day today... I was thinking of piano movers and then I thought of the piano, my piano which Peter gave away. I hate him so much. He gave my piano away. I wish I really really wish there was a way in which I could list the horrible things which we did to me. Well he can't do them anymore. He can't. But now I am getting ready to move the piano and I will do that this week.  And I will have a piano here then. I cannot cannot tell you how much it hurts me to recall this memory. And how he never cared. A man who has never cared about anything except for himself. And that's not ok. And I was at the sharp end of that stick. And that's not ok. Not ok at all. But now I am free of that and I no longer have to put up with it. I am free. We are going to go to court and that's because Peter has made things so difficult in this separation. Instead of being an honourable human being, he has demonstrated to the entire world what a shit he is. Not least by continuing to squat in...

And just like that three days passed. As the days follow each other, time runs along. I woke up today and two realisations struck me. First, that I made myself myself. That self would always be the person I have been. Someone in love with life. The second realisation was, I loved life and I would love the life which is to come after I have passed. I did not know what awaited me, but I would embrace it fully.  We spent a wonderful weekend with each other. A weekend of being spoiled and of eating and drinking. Drinking champagne, eating wonderful food and staying in a beautiful hotel. It is luxury. Luxury of the loveliest kind. I have managed to make great friends and how I managed to do this I do not know. All I do know is that they are there and I thank the world for them. I belong to a few groups and I am deeply deeply grateful to the universe for letting us find each other. I was reading a quote from a Steiner lecture - well apparently it is - about what appears to be the vaccine...

The harbour of Ballintoy is swathed in a thin mist. The church above us a hazy outline, a whisper of being. There in the dimming light we are captured in time. Nothing stirs. Only the constant appeal of the ocean to the skies. Here is a moment of eternity - always it will be here. Always it will be present. When I am complete, when I am dead, it will still be here. That is the comfort of physical things.  I think of the expectations I have had to adjust. To be honest there hasn't been a lot of adjusting. There has been disappointment, but that's life right? I recently met someone whom I used to work with and it was interesting to listen to her own take on the work she used to do. How it was pointless and she wondered what good she had done and came to the conclusion that the only way to make a difference is to have a small circle of influence and do good there. And to live lightly on the Earth. Be good and being you and that is all we can ask for. All the glory and fame is dist...

Mysteriously in memory to enfold What was received of late; This be my striving's further quest. In growing stronger it shall waken Forces of my own within And, evolving, give me to myself. Mysteriously to feel within The quickening of the treasur'd past With Selfhood, newly risen; This shall, arousing forces of the world, Pour itself into my life's outer work And growing root me in existence. The inspiration of the evolving self... which then gives itself to the world... and then evolves again. There is a difference in how I take up action definitely. I am returning to the pre Covid times. The echoes of Atlantis once more return and pick up where we left off. What did we do over the summer? I did DIY and we went to the North Coast. And we enjoyed the company of each other. And I sat on the sofa and watched lots of Netflix and we prepared for the coming season. And that's what we did. And we met lots of friends. And that's what we did.

Yesterday was a good day. I spent it organising and looking up the insurance for forest school. Then I saw Lisa briefly and we caught up. Everyone is in a great mood for summer. Everyone just making the most of the last week before everything returns to normal... whatever that entails for the rest of the year. After this i'll sort out the rest of the year by organising the papers... and then do a couple of forest school things before heading to school to organise the classroom.  The disaster in Afghanistan is off the scale. The fucking Americans. Who would ever follow them into anything every again? You'd think that they would have learnt the lessons of Vietnam, but no. I think it has to do with the idiocy of the next generation. It goes like this. Having worked against physics and failed, the previous generation have reach the limits of their ability and realised that actually what was done was stupid. You had the Germans in the 40s and then Vietnam in the 70s. Then the next g...

Today is very busy. I mean really busy. Crazy busy. I was thinking this morning of how over the past year and a half we have been curtailed. And I also thought of the achievements and then I settled down. I was calmer and more chilled. And I was able to look to the future. I will do a little bit today and I also told myself that from here on in instead of lying in bed sleepless I will do something useful. Even if it is to clean the house. To get me out of my head.  After this I'm going for my run - just a short one... and then I will be cleaning this table and then sorting out what needs to be done for forest school. Then I'll be looking at what else needs sorted over the course of the day. We have learned how to do nothing - well I have. To just lie on the sofa and be miserable. The murders of these young men and the mental health crisis is off the scale. Thanks to the lockdown. There can be on consequence of the loss of agency which these people feel. The frustration of young...

And so Kabul fell. The idiotic American and Western intervention has ended in pretty much the way everyone said it would. In complete chaos and ignominy. The arrogance of the West. Its idiocy. I don't know what to say except that nothing should have been done. In the last twenty years the interference in the Middle East has only made things a million times worse.  I don't really know what to say beyond that. Perhaps Afghanistan was the is the last gasp of colonialism. It is really difficult to see how these people could have thought they could have managed to change whatever they were planning to change - they disguised their evil intentions with good ones. The lies and the horrors. They invaded Iraq and then they went into Afghanistan. After creating the mess that they did with the Taliban. The way by proxy. Now that they have left, we will see. Who fills that gap. Who steps in. And what will happen to the people there living in their Islamic state. The oppression of women... ...

I spent the best part of the day planning the entire year. I do have it down to a fine art. Having done this for several decades now. It feels great. But also overwhelming. I am very happy. There is much to be done. A veritable mountain to be scaled this year between the divorce and the new life and elements. So this evening, after a day of brain melt, I am now going to do... the Leo. Although to be honest I've been thinking so much about Gemini... so maybe i should do that first. I have decided to do the Sumerian twins for Gemini. They guard the gates of death which makes sense because the summer solstice marks the decline into the night. So it is the death of the Sun. I would like to draw two of those Sumerian gods facing each other with the stars, the asterisms on their limbs and then the inspirations. Gemini is the symbol for air. So this is perfect. I have the twins in Simerians, I'm going to do Sumerian text in the background with bees on a comb which also gives the air q...

There is a change in the way I do my planning. Everything in my life now... this is how I have arranged it... is now I mean in its entirety which is amazing when I think about it, in its entirety it is about my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical well being. When I say that it sounds so selfish. But because I have premised this on my values which are about love and making the world a better place, not on someone else's terms, but my own, it is pretty incredible.  I am no longer having to compromise in any part of my life. I want to just take a moment to reflect on that. I do not compromise in any part of my life now. Not the important bits. The job which I work in and get paid for is in a system of education which I 100% believe in. I could even say that I have taken Steiner's philosophy and made it my own. I have certainly done this through my own work with elements and I am working with incredible people to do this.  With Elements I take everything I have done and a po...

Ugh 15 to catch up. Gary has just returned from a drizzly morning. With the heat of summer fading, things are returning to normal once more. I love the summer, but summers here are a new thing.  However, no more complaining. No more. I wrote in my physical journal this morning about the state of the world. I have always looked at the larger picture. It is a strange one. All in all though it is about the madness of consumption. People thinking that happiness is found in money which is used to buy things. The best things for me are not the things that money buys - yes it is true, if you are already happy, then money can add to that but in my experience the happiness is fleeting and if you are unhappy then it is the dopamine hit which is all to easy to reach for when you get it. Watched Bliss yesterday with Selma Hayek and Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson is two years older than me. It was so strange seeing him playing a middle aged man. And Selma Hayek definitely had  boob job. Well app...

I have been so tired. It is incomprehensible why. Maybe I did do too much. I have very busy days interspersed with semi busy days. And sometimes I have completely down days. All in all it makes for tough going.  So i cleaned the house and wiped everything down and did the laundry and feel better now. Everything makes more sense. I'm going off to do some serious planning now. Finally. Again. But also finally. Whew

Older, stronger, better I saw an old RSPB friend yesterday and we talked as if no time had passed.  My god it hasn't been two days since I did this. And so much has taken place already. So many bits of the year have been nailed down and so many things have taken place that I can hardly keep up. But the best thing has to be the ENTIRE year for Forest School has been sorted. And we have made enough money to plough back into the business. What a strange year has passed. I must sit and think about it a bit more. The boys haven't been here the entire day. It has been strange to not have them. I made Thai green curry with no compromises using the belly of the pork.  I had a rest day sort of. We went for a walk around the Quarries and it was so beautiful. Which reminds me I got eggs there. So we have fresh eggs. 

Already i have had so many happinesses this year. From Halloween to Christmas to writing again, to Forest School to School... I think we can all say that despite the madness of Covid I survived. I managed to make it to the other side. Slightly bedraggled and confused, but here. I made it. I have gotten to the other side.  Today I will do my timetable and manifesto and then I will be set. I do have to go for a run. I must. I don't know what i am waiting for. The absentmindedness has to do with the holding pattern. The inane waiting. I will find ways, like water to trickle. To flow, to rediscover. This coming year.  Here it goes. Over the next two and a half months I will get back to running again. It was good when I ran... And I will organise the rooms here... I will get that calendar out and do that. I will.

Some lessons are so awful that when you are going through them you cannot speak it. Last month I lost faith in myself. My path. My journey. It had never happened before. I could blame people, but I will not. I will not blame anyone because these lessons are there for a reason. They are there for me to learn from. And I did learn from them. I did fall. And i did get up again, although even as recently as yesterday I felt completely crushed without being able to admit to myself how sad I felt. A sadness of a feeling of having failed. But I picked myself up and started again. This is what every moment of every day is. Picking up and starting over again. And sometimes things are better and sometimes they are worse. But it is always about that moment. This loss of faith was something new though. The first thing I felt was fear. The fear that everything which I did was wrong. The path was a stupid path I had chosen. That I had messed everything up. Then the fear began to gnaw at me. And then...

I promise myself that from this day onwards, from the 11th of August 2021 I will only be a good person. I will only honour the canvas upon which I draw my life. I will do right thing from now on. I will shake all the anger and the sorrow and the pain which I have brought and which has been inflicted in my life. From this moment onwards, there will only we light. When I peer into the depths that is what I will find. Light filling every square inch. Light radiating. There will be no more anger. No more holding onto blame or grudges. And things will take as long as they will take.  Yesterday Oisin started to get annoyed with me and I said, I think it is quite cute when you get angry with me. It is funny. It is funny though because Oisín doesn't really do angry although more and more there is a quake happening within him. The lava of the self is now bubbling. But Oisín will always be my Oisín. Always. That child of infinite equanimity. And Ghin the child of infinite jest. Like clockwor...

Best meteor shower of the year. If you are in a place with a Dark Sky and a clear night... look to the constellation of Perseus.  https://www.rmg.co.uk/.../perseid-meteor-shower-guide-uk... Steiner said that the meteor showers helped to 'purify' the air and bring us back to our will. One of those images is Archangel Michael once more vanquishing the dragon... the sword of iron against the sulphur of distraction to bring us back to ourselves. In the story of St George, St George does not kill the dragon... with the help of the princess the dragon is brought under control. It is interesting that the most dramatic meteor shower of the year comes from the constellation of Perseus, another demigod who with the help of the Goddess of Wisdom, the Messenger of the Gods, the Princess Andromeda and the Gorgon Medusa turns a sea monster into stone. Stories never fade... they move in cycles. During this crazy time of uncertainty, look to the stars and know we are held by the constancy of t...

When I was 20 I became a nihilist. It seems so silly now. I wore black and was vegetarian and was very angry with the world. The cruelty to women, the state of the environment, racism, colonialsim, neo liberalism ... etc all those issues it just made me so angry. Thirty years on, and life in between they are still there and things are being done about them. But I think it may be too late. Too late to save the world. Today as I tried to look at Facebook and get started with my work a feeling over overwhelming sorrow swept over me. I don't know what it was/ is. The horror of the reality of our lives and futures. The frustration with the stupidity of Peter. I don't know. The boys and how they are growing up - fast... and realising that much of my time spent with them has prepared me for this. And still, there isn't enough time which I could have spent with them. My parents and thinking of how they are growing older and feeling guilty that I left Singapore all those years ago. ...

Well this is it. Today's the day when it all begins. I have till 3 pm to sort things out and then I head down to the vets with Gabriel. It is only 9 am. It is still early. I've been up since 4 am. I slept at 10 pm. Maybe 11 pm. I made food for Ghin. Then after that I went to bed. It feels good with the boys. It is strong. As it has always been. We always were in Singapore at this time of the year anyway. It does not feel any different in that sense. So loads and loads and loads to do... Steiner Forest School Divorce Garden Art Writing Loads, as usual. And this year for the first time ever I feel very strong. Like i have hit my stride. I know there will be things to knock me sideways but it will be fine. Always. Right. Let's do this then.

Yesterday I cleaned the entire house. The works. All laundry, hoovering, toilets, everything. The boys were sleeping late - again. I began around 12.30 and finished at 3. Well the folding of laundry finished at 10.30 pm. But I finished everything. I even managed to brush out the sheets from Forest School. It felt good. Once again, one week of non stop intense activity has made me feel very happy and tired. And I have lost loads of weight. Which is great. I'm back to my running days level of fitness and slimness. I thought that the Friday and Saturday would be down days for me, but no. No. They were even worse than Forest School. Especially Friday when I was transferring the classroom. Moving it. We change all the time and I certainly am changing. I met with a friend yesterday and we were talking and chatting about our sons and stages of life. She is about to become a grandmother and she was telling me how nervous and excited she was. I am not ready to be a grandmother. Nope. I did ...

The holiday so far The first part of the holiday was Forest School, followed by the 12th fortnight which was ruined by Voldemort. Never again will i EVER allow anyone to ruin my life. Never. Even if they are pulling fingers from my bruised fingers i will never not happy again. Never. And the reason is that I have too many wonderful things which have taken place in my life. I have loved freely, I have seen beautiful sunrises and sunsets at the top of mountains, I have two beautiful sons, I am healthy and have had a good career doing things  love for the most part... I mean I have worked in the RSPB since 2002 - that's 20 years of doing good things. That is more than half of my working life. I have contributed some good to society. And finally I have learned so much along the way. I have learned so much that I no longer have millions of questions that I need to ask. I have arrived at 50 and have had about 85% of my questions answered. It is pretty good going. I am not lost.  The...

Photos from a busy week that left me done Making walking sticks The shed The river The field The beach The week that was. The amazing week that was and that's not even half of the pictures.

I am completely exhausted. The last time I felt this tired was when I first started teaching. At the end of each half term I would be gone and I would wonder what is going on with me. It would take me three days to recover.  But I have loved every minute of it. Every minute in the forest. I am not refreshed however right now. Right now I am destroyed. Then yesterday I moved stuff out of the classroom... which was another very exhausting process for me.  But it has been moved and now I just need to organise everything. The house in the first instance needs to be cleaned. So i'm going to spend the next two days cleaning and organising the house.  Then I'm going to clean and organise the classroom. Orgainising classrooms is very important. It simply means that you get to have an organised classroom for the rest of the year. You know where everything is and you feel wonderful. I know that I have changed over the past few months. I didn't realise it but I have I have become......

Hoovering with cleaned out dust filter, coffee with Gabriel and setting up A frame for the toilet. And then back home to roast a chicken and think about today. At 6.30 I will print out the name sheet and then at 7 I will pack the car. But at 6 I will do the programme for the day... and then... so now... now I am just trying to put my thoughts in order. Yesterday I watch Bo Burnham and something in me clicked. Something in me wondered... I began assessing the situation now. I began thinking about how things began, how they started. Where we are now.  And I thought I can understand how people ended up converting to Christianity or Islam at the point of a knife. Forced conversions. I understood how people ended up being persecuted for their beliefs. Matter of life and death.  Hysteria and fanaticism... if you ever wondered how priests and religious zealots work... this is it... we are looking at the face of it. To say that the benefits outweigh the risks is completely irresponsib...

Breakfast with Ghin and a new start to a beautiful day. I just sent him to circus school and am now settling into finally planning... but I must hoover the house first, especially since Gary is outside now.