19.3.26 - 76 - The last three weeks
We only discovered that Pa had cancer on the 25th of February. He had been unwell, throwing up and being unable to eat. We thought it was a bug. Eventually he let Jac take him to hospital - actually they were there for a completely unrelated issue and she tricked him into going to A&E - where he was warded instantly - much to his annoyance.
They then did a scan of him and told us he had cancer. The surgeon who had suggested operation said that it was too late to operate now as it was Stage 4 and had spread to his lymph nodes and adrenals. Chemo saw him and said he was not a good candidate for chemo and perhaps we could speak with radiology, to shrink the growth a little. But he would not be in remission ever. It would just prolong his life, a little, if it did manage to at all.
I booked my tickets on Thursday, but in haste booked the wrong date - Wednesday, instead of Monday. Meanwhile he himself had been sent home on Friday to wait for the next steps. He could only eat the softest foods or he would throw up and was only happy to eat soft boiled eggs because strengthening soups and rice porridge were foods for 'sick people'. In truth now, I understand that the body was shutting down. Despite Pa not knowing he had cancer, his body knew and was now preparing him to leave.
During these last interminably long days of waiting to get to Singapore I felt helpless and miserable. It all happened so suddenly, with no warning at all. Ma and Jac were left to look after him and I tried to spend as much time with the boys as possible.
Oisin, especially, was so wonderful. He stayed with me and cooked, making sure that I was alright. I took walks with friends and spent time getting ready to leave, handing work over and getting the classroom ready.
Ghin, busy with school and work, also dipped in and out - we ate dinner together, shaking our heads, stunned by the news.
I slept and rested as much as I could, I knew that when I arrived in Singapore, I needed to be ready to face anything which I found there. I bought cheese and tinned beans, as per Ma's request. I wandered around in a daze.
All the time I regretted and rued. I knew that I was planning to come over, definitely after Ghin had gone to uni - possibly after Class 7. I wanted to complete this round... it seems strange to think that I did do two full cycles - just with three classes. But I couldn't have come sooner cos Ghin was here. I needed to finish my task with Ghin. Ma and I had agreed that we would do this.
War then broke out on the 28th of February and I looked at the map. Surely it would not get worse - it has since been getting steadily worse. I watched to see if the flight would be cancelled. Flights originating from the Gulf states were, from Israel itself were, but flights over, they were still going ahead.
I finally left on Wednesday and never felt so lonely. I missed the boys. I missed my friends. I missed Ireland. I missed Ireland, already. Spring had arrived. It would soon be Paddy's Day and I would miss it.
The flight was uneventful and I arrived back at this time three weeks ago. I walked in and saw Ma, and Pa was sleeping. I went in to hug him. He was so happy to see me. Those were the last few days he was able to speak, able to talk - and we talked. We spoke. We laughed.
He was the same witty, jokey Pa with the one line zingers and the stand up comedy routines. His voice was hoarse - Jac said he had been throwing up so much that the reflux had worn away his vocal chords.
Ma and I fed him the eggs, egg... but as soon as he had eaten and taken sips of coffee, he said he wanted to go and lie down. Do you mind if I go lie down? Go ahead I said.
We told Ma on Friday that Pa had cancer. She was devastated. Even before we told her that all treatment was futile, she said, don't let him go for any treatment la. Let him stay at home. Don't go hospital. Pa continued to get up, talk and laugh for the next three days. He always said he loved us and we had to come every year... I used to think the repetition was a little tedious when he kept doing this in the last few years, thinking it would be dementia that would take him. But now I was glad he repeated himself. It was almost as if he was trying to emblazon, to incise what he wanted us to remember in our minds.
We registered with a hospice. We had an appointment with the radiologists on Thursday, but it would be only to let them know that he was going to be home, being taken care of here.
From Sunday onwards, he had stopped eating. He only drank and then only barely. I had started reading and watching youtube videos about end of life care. I learnt how to turn bodies and how to get the person further up the bed. I watched over him, day and night. I barely slept.
I did manage to go for runs in between - and even managed a swim. But when Monday came round, things began to get real. And this was only Day 4.
Comments