Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

I am exhausted. Completely and utterly.  I ended up sleeping on the sofa again. I, in fact, now live in the living room. The rest of the house is just there. I don't really do anything else. It is too cold to sleep in my bedroom. I need to bleed the radiators this weekend. What else is there? Today I just feel like - what AM I doing for school today? I know what I'm doing but my brain feels like it is not working. Apparently ancient apocalypse is getting lots of views. People are very excited about the possibility of Atlantis. Atlantis. what were you like? I guess I should leave now...  My brain is really now working. The brain fog from last week is still here. So a few things have started to emerge. Tech is being used to control us. Artificial intelligence looks like it is not just more intelligent than most people, it also looks like it has inherited most of humanity's violence and anger. This shows that anger, contrary to popular opinion is rational. To me anger is a res...

So you are getting divorced! Congratulations! It was not easy for you to come to this decision. Perhaps you took many years to get here, perhaps it was very clear after a few months. Perhaps it was both! Whatever it is, give yourself a big pat on the back. You made it and you have survived and you are in tact. You are moving on.  Perhaps you are one of the lucky ones - and there are many out there. The lucky ones for whom divorce is going to be very straightforward. You many not have very much to divvy up in which case you can happily go your separate ways. Perhaps it was an amicable decision and there is even a celebration in the two of you starting a new life on your own. Wonderful. To everyone who has had a good divorce, I want to say I totally envy you but also, yes, well done. Well done. More evolved than the rest of us who are now stuck in this mess.  The Messy Divorce can have all kinds of colour and texture, but it is OK. You will get through is in the end. IT WILL BE ...

Contrary to appearances, there are very few shitheads around. By shitheads I mean genuine, hard core nasty creeps who get a rise out of seeing someone else miserable. These people are usually insecure, bitter and should really be pitied rather than feared. Yes, they are nasty pieces of work who do real damage because they feed on a vein of pain. So the antidote is DON'T FEED THEM PAIN. Easier said than done of course. Because we are all human. Yes, but the best advice I can give, is that if I have learnt anything at all, do not pay any attention to them. Do not react to them and do not let them get beneath your skin. Sure stand up to them to show that you are not some nodding toady, but then WALK AWAY. IT IS SIMPLY NOT WORTH IT COS THESE BULLSHITTERS DO NOT FIGHT FAIR. BUT me being me, I must always think, what are they in my life for. Not like God put here, why? But more like what can I get from this situation? What can I learn? Cos everyone can teach me something... and the lesso...

It was a bit depressing last week when I had to go through some of the horrors of the marriage. But today something happened which proved to me that I had really evolved and come through the madness.  I won't elaborate on it but suffice it to say, I had the opportunity to say to someone that I LOVED my job and I LOVED my life...that I was once again living an uneventful and boring life. Which is everything I wanted from life now. It is so fulfilling. I have loved every minute of teaching Class 1 and 2 so far. It has been just magical. Everyday I feel I am making a difference in the lives of the children and they are enjoying themselves too. And I see the children who are working so hard and improving everyday. It is pretty special. 

Well that was the last day of Forest School for the year... until end Jan. It's just the way it is... I'm thinking of the dates in the calendar 21 June     Summer Solstice      1 Aug     Lughnasa        21 Sept     Autumn Equinox    31 Oct    Oíche Shamna 21 Dec       Winter Solstice       1 Feb   Imbolc                 21 Mar   Spring Equinox          1 May     Bealtane Honestly it is neither here nor there, but this is a good time to plan as well - and unless we can come up with a proper venue for winter forest school sessions in the dark it is unsafe and unwise. With that number of children as well. It is so unbelieveably wet and cold yesterday.  But, the point is where does the end of November lie? Nov 21 is one month away from the winter Solstice, so we sh...

The house has been hoovered, I have washed all the dishes for forest school, bought everything for tomorrow and cleaned the fridge, kitchen, and well - it's all done. I have even made dinner... more beef soup. And it isn't even 5 pm. After this I will do my lesson plan for tomorrow... and then, I will focus on doing the list - ah the list... the list. It feels like an end and the beginning - and it also feels like freedom a bit. I think i'll be able to start running again tomorrow - or Tuesday. I'm still coughing. We went to Bay Tree for a very late brunch and I had an espresso and a cinnamon scone. My voice has regained itself but really most importantly I managed to get the financial statements out to Kelly on Friday. That is such a load off my mind. Who knows what the future brings? I have managed to understand the nature of the suffering of innocents - there is no meaning. It is all utterly absurd. We live in an absurd world. The ...

I had been putting it off for weeks, but I have finally tidied the house. Each room. It was the usual - mental busy followed by exhaustion and then illness. Forced to do finance then a rebound.  I now have to put things into the garage and then I will be caught up. I am waiting for the money from the house to come through before I manage to put up shelves for books, etc. I want to do it right. I can wait too. It will be fine. I do not understand why £5000 was needed to be released. Very strange. It feels good to be up to date with everything now. Including my finances... 

I was watching Ancient Apocalypse and it was about Atlantis of course... well a civilisation lost to a natural disaster - possible the incoming of a comet. So many interesting things which we could think about... but it was mostly about how archeologists refuse to consider the possibility of a civilisation which predates the Younger Dryas where we had a different kind of technology which was eventually lost. It was a bit disappointing that he did not do India which in my mind is where the smoking gun lies... the 2 rishis and how they journeyed from a land which was destroyed by flood, bourne by the first avatar of Vishnu, Matsya. Anyway... I really should tidy up the house. It is a catostrohpic mess. Never mind ancient apocalyse.

Did I expect to suddenly meditate on the nature of suffering? I have to say that I have now decided here and now that actually Buddhism doesn't do anything for me. I mean I knew that already, but here it is. It has clarified a few things - about how life is suffering, etc but it is also mostly wrong. Life is not suffering - not all suffering. Yes, 5% is suffering, but most of it is amazing and wonderful. Look at the stars. Look at the plants. Look at babies. Look at how perfect the world is. Life is not suffering. Life is amazing. As a woman - and educated, articulate, lucky woman - living in the 21st century, with things like the Internet, ad job that is meaningful and people who are wonderful - with everything around me from running water to having my own very old car - I don't need anything else. PLUS I have already had an amazing life. I really don't need to do anything anymore - like 'see the world'. The world around me is enough for me. Sunrises and sunsets ov...

I was watching a video on the topic of suffering... why do we suffer? The capacity, the ability for suffering, like really suffering - unearned suffering... why? Like suffering that was literally not your fault. Suffering you had nothing to do with. Suffering that breaks you over a wheel... why? Why? Instead of putting up a shield around your suffering, instead of being able to tune it out, even though it is not your suffering, like why would your body and mind and soul not put up a wall of defense and let you walk away unscathed? Why, how? Some part of us must need to experience proper existential suffering - and if we shield ourselves from it, will we be able to forever be untouched? Does suffering, like a forest fire clear the ground for new growth, or allow the seed of a sequoia to germinate? Is suffering like a crucible in which the dross of life, the slag is burnt away? Does suffering bring insight? Even if it does not feel like insight? Does suffering cultivate wisdom? Should th...

I have finally caught a regular cold. It's kinda awful, yeah. I'm also kinda fed up. So I'm having just to come home and sleep it off.  But yesterday was lovely. It was this lovely.

Recently someone said to me that I looked amazing - again. It is nice to receive these compliments, especially after my menopause. Menopause has been ridiculously liberating. No longer tied to the fecking bloody cycle. Literally. No longer subjected to the insanities of the moon. No longer having to worry about bleeding all over something. Or getting pregnant. There are so any upsides to no longer bleeding, just as there are so many upsides about being divorced. I don't know why being divorced is such a big deal. With time I no longer feel like I have failed at the relationship. Feeling like I failed at the relationship is like feeling I had failed to contain water in a sieve. It turns out that while I was busy trying to sail the ship, the other first mate was drilling holes in its hull. It was doomed to failure I can see that now. After the storm has past I have washed up on a tropical island paradise called singlehood and no more period.  I feel better than I have felt in years. ...

I collected Ghin yesterday at the airport. A few things happened...  First, I was told, I looked amazing. Considering I had done nothing, literally, even brush my hair, this was lovely to hear. Secondly, I was also vindicated in my past 24 years when I was also told how they did not understand how I stayed married for so long. Yup. These things happen when they happen, I was told. So also, yes. Finally of course, Ghin comes home and I am over the moon. We talk and laugh and chat until I tell him the spooky happenings in school. He then goes very quiet and falls asleep. I think he was heading in that direction anyway. I am now officially OLD. Yesterday as I drove down to Dublin to collect Ghin, I decided to listen to Radio One. They were doing the Top 20 and I thought, hey WHY NOT? Just to see what music is like now. Dear reader, as I sampled the delights of sampling and what passes as music these days I found myself getting more and more incredulous. Two tracks by Stromzy, three tr...

It is crazy is it not, that people, in an attempt to try and find happiness create unhappiness for everyone else? The zone of destruction. The place of insanity. The point where you end up making the same mistakes - and putting the life or even lives of the people you made promises to a living nightmare. Well I survived that living nightmare. I could have done without it. I am still here despite the madness and the maelstrom.  Oh the liars. And the lies. I have no more time for any of them. None. I think I will make 2 Roman helmets for the boys. It can be done. I'll do it tonight. It will be dry for Friday. It will be fun.  It has been a busy time and it will get even busier. There was something I did want to blog about and now I have forgotten.  It's only quarter past five which is super early with Martinmas the prep is all in school. For Forest School we are going to do seed ID.  Types of seeds... OK I should clear this desk it has gone on for long enough and then ...

There is now a debate about people's shameful behaviour towards each other during the pandemic. Particularly vaccine mandates and the virtue signalling hysteria, censorship and refusing to have reasonable discussions, not to mention transparency.  I still do not understand - never mind the vaccines not preventing transmission - how a still experimental irriversible treatment could have been deemed safe without the passage of time? It was up to the authorities to have a sober implementation and cautious of this 'miracle cure' and they insisted it was 100% safe for everyone like some idiot scriptwriter in Holywood. And please don't tell me everyone knew it bore risks because that was not how it was sold at the very start. 

I will now start running here. I was talking to Siuban yesterday and we were comparing stories of ex husbands. It was most cathartic. But the biiig take away was how we were not lonely - and this was mostly because we were creative people. It may also have to do with the jobs we have/had - it dealt with people on a super intense level that we are glad for the break. Also we said, it was nice to go home to the silence. To the nothing, where you had no demands made on you. Where you could just do what you wanted. I do think that women, especially women who reared children, acknowledge this 'me' time as so precious. I have said a million times that I knew EXACTLY what I was doing before I had children. And now 20 years have passed and I once again return to having what I had - with the added benefit for having had children in between. Are children overrated? They are absolutely not. I would not trade my sons for anything. Nothing. Not the secrets of the universe. I would never do ...

Yesterday, while journaling, I realised something - that I was TRULY excited about getting older. It was to do with the sweet spot, but also quite a lot to do - about 60% i'd say - with starting to run again. Running is amazing for me. But the best part about when I start again after a few months, and it has been a few months, is that I can run - I can run for a decent about of time, continously. I ran the Arboretum route in Belvoir and it was easy. Even the uphills. Yes it was slow and a short route, just under 3 km, BUT it ran it without stopping and with ease. After that I felt like if this is what old age may mean, then bring it on. I will have it any day. Then yesterday I went up to the south cairn with Siuban and the views were off the scale astounding. It was easy enough for me to climb it and doing down is always tricky on the knees. But here we were - in this incredible place and all we had to do was to drive over an hour to enter the pa...

I did go for my run and then I ended up at TK Mexx - thinking I could use my voucher but it hasn't worked... so I ended up buying a beret fo £17. It is a nice beret and I need a beret so, there you go. Then I wanted to hoover the car, get fish for chowder and get lends solution but instead the garage I was going to was under repair so no car hoovering and the butcher who is also a fishmonger had a super long line at it, so I only ended up with lens fluid. BUT I did manage to go charity shopping cos I wanted to buy stuff for Forest School - instead yes I did get knives and spoons, no forks, but I also got three pairs of sun glasses for £5, a glasses case for a £1 and two plates for £4. Holywood was bunged. What recession is all I can say. The shops were buzzing and people seemed happy as the skies cleared. Parking was near impossible. Still though. I felt good. I always feel good after a run. But I oddly did not get any food, and went home to make a chicken sandwich with wheaten bre...

Well it is now Saturday. Almost a week since Ghin has left for Germany. And he has said he would now like to live there, which means that I have done something right. In hi genes is contained the memory of migration. Singaporean and Irish - nomadic cultures which have never seen their lands, no matter how lovely, as home. The impulse to reach out and to explore has always been there and my sons personify that. The urge to discover, the thrill of the new. Yesterday I did loads and loads of work. Forest School tidying up and Yung arrived to fix the heating - and the taps. And things are moving. I did admin, sorted the shed, sorted the Forest School boxes, saw what needed to be bought. Like a tight fitting lid for the food. And I sorted cutlery. It is literally all good. The 4th of November, possibly the 5th, was a sweet spot. Because of the Big Chill, I have managed to learn how to tolerate the cold in a house. I did put the heat on for three hours yesterday to warm the place up, but rea...

It is now the 4th of November. Just like that... three weeks have passed. If I am not showing up to the blog there can only be one of two reasons. The first, I am depressed. The second, I am too busy. The third - I am both. Since I am not depressed, it is because I have been too busy. Blogging and/or journaling are the touchstones of my sanity. When I am writing in my journal - to be fair, I have done that a bit more than blogging - in fact I think my blogging is going to change, and blogging I am processing things. When I write, and this has always been the case, the cogs of my mind be spinning. Insights occur. It also means that there is space in my life FOR thinking. When I am not blogging or journaling my brain is on autopilot - I have also noticed that having my phone now means that I am on it a lot more. It is a fruitless,  pointless exercise being on the phone. It is the ultimate maya and I seem powerless to stop myself. I am thinking that from now on I have to  leave t...