Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

Instead of talking about how we should treat children, we should strive toward a knowledge of how we, as teachers and educators, ought to conduct ourselves. In our work we need forces of the heart . Yet it is not good enough to simply declare that, instead of addressing ourselves to the intellect of our pupils we now must appeal to their hearts, in both principle and method. What we really need - and this I wish to emphasise once more - is that we ourselves have our hearts in our pedagogy. ( Child's changing consciousnesses, p 65) As i make my way through this book, indeed the course, I'm beginning to get more and more terrified. Steiner teaching is not like any other teaching i have ever encountered. And the weight of expectation is even MORE than ordinary teaching. I really worry that i will not have what it takes. Because, you see, the conventional form, of teaching which i was exposed to consisted, as far as i could see, of hammering the facts and information into the ch...

Fridays are tidying up days. They start off with mopping up all the bits and pieces that you didn't have time to do during the week and then peters off to something like filing and claiming expenses. Today was waaaaayyyy too busy for Friday. I actually had to think about what we should do in a somewhat strategic manner and then after that i actually had to do the work. Many emails which i had planned on corralling and finishing off had to be pushed to next week, an activity i really detest. I did however manage to do some non-work organising and i have hopefully devolved the responsibility of the school's website to the school. However i do have a sense i might have not seen the last of it yet. I'm planning to start some more reading about the Changing Consciousness of the Child. Some cracking quotes in it now. Let me see... "We must rediscover a universal approach (to education), flowing from human nature itself. If i had my way, I would give anthroposophy a ...

I'm about to start my essay writing now. Can't wait.

Twinkle twinkle purple star I acutally have one of these. It was given to me by Steve... after the International Women's Day i organised at the old Crescent Arts Centre. We were all quite pissed when we went back to his place and every horizontal surface in the flat was COVERED in empties. It was a most surreal experience. We spent the rest of the morning talking about... i think computers and then we fell asleep. It was seven when i got up and i think i might have managed to just about get home... at some point in the evening Steve gave this badge to me and said, here today was really good. What's this, i asked. It's the badge of the anarcho feminists. I have worn it with pride ever since... Being at Helen's celebration has rekindled something inside me. This place of creation and resistance, this place, this wonderful place and position is home. Thou shall not pass So part of this journey is finding new things that are actually old. Th...

Waiting for the train to Botanic And suddenly, it was summer D, Huw, Ghin and me! Soul Food... we laughed A LOT in there today If only those tables could speak, what WOULD they say? So today, in aid of enjoying life, of counting the self Presente! i took photos of the mundane. I attended a somewhat frustrating meeting on Urban bird species. I think if ever there was an issue with the way the organisation works, is that it think it can do everything itself. I love research, but only if it is relevant and only if it is used to some end. What is the point of research that goes nowhere. Also i don't know if these people have noticed it, that the key to sorting things out is people. Because PEOPLE have screwed up the earth, so therefore the unscrewing has to be done by PEOPLE. And it can't only be done by some people whom we like and who aren't smelly, it has to be done by EVERYONE, including people whom we don't think we have very much in common with. Als...

We were in Derry last weekend for a memorial of a friend, Helen Harris. I never knew Helen very well, but i know people who ran around in her circles very well, and to be honest we did know each other, is was just we weren't hanging out pals. I have my theories as to why this sector of Derry, feminist anarchist activist slightly passed me by, but i won't speculate on this blog. Anyways, it was a very beautiful celebration of her life. Helen passed away this year. She was only 39, she had cystic fibrosis. I had never heard of cystic fibrosis until i came to Ireland where it is not an uncommon thing. To survive to 39 is pretty good going. To have had the life that she had is pretty impressive too. The activism, the interest in making things different and better, the radical feminist stance. It made me feel very nostalgic for Derry. It was also wonderful to meet up with the gang. Rose, Jim, Shane, Steve, Marianne, Dave, etc... And then there were others we met from time to time....

Milkshake.... in Nero's Holywood Onion rings at Cornmarket Cannons on the wall in Derry. Oisin kinda looks like a 1970s Provo there. We had lunch in Halo, the restaurant behind the cannons. Fat Ass Pass, or the Peace Bridge. I actually liked it. The future of Ireland is in their hands.... Blowing one's nose in the Guildhall Square. Been a hectic day, as they say in these parts. I wish i had the will and the vocabulary to express how confused i feel right now about bits of life. I'm not quite sure which way is up any longer. And i really wish i could somehow find someone to point me in the right direction. BUT recently i've been reading Knowledge of the Higher Worlds and it feels like i've reached a sort of impasse, or a place which is very confusing. Somehow, in the past i KNEW what had to be done. I mean it was sometimes right and occassionally wrong, but mostly i felt driven to do these things. I have to say i don't feel dri...

Over the past week or so i've just been trying to get my head around the concept of normality. I think it is fair to say that it is not a concept i have ever really had in my life. Nothing about my life is normal, at all. In fact i'd say i am a little bit disparaging about normal people. Because being normal is boring. It is, it is like the spin for boring. As far as i'm concerned. How do people cope with being normal? This is a question which has never occurred to me, because my crazy life is normal. But i am beginning to see that there is actually a real normal, not a pretend normal beneath it all, and how does anyone live with that? Please don't get me wrong. It is not as if i think i'm exceptional, it is just that i thought that this is the way people would want to live all the time if they had the opportunity. If they had the choice. I'm beginning to discover that people actually go out of the way to not have these experiences. And if these experiences pr...

[This story was inspired by a friend... and then the need to desperately write... it isnt very good, but it was good to make a start....] I wish, O son of the Living God, ancient eternal King, for a secret hut in the wilderness that it may be my dwelling. Anonymous Irish poem, ninth century I am waiting for the coming of the sun. It has been night for such a long time now. Through the dark i hear the sound of water, high high water crashing against the rocks and the sea battling the sea. I can hear the throttled cries of storm petrals and the mewing of gulls and the barking of gannets. And then i can hear my heart thumping through the thin bone and muscle, and the blood that it pumps, i can feel it, rise and fall, like the sea far below. When the light comes he will be here and hopefully he will find me, lying here in this dark. He will seek some sign of life and hopefully recognise it in me. I hope he can, for i can barely recognise it myself. It has been a very long time...

Today i came home and didn't have to leave the house. It was an amazing feeling. After weeks and weeks of doing the course of running off and away, i now didnt have to go anywhere. I confess that i did really think oh wouldn't it be lovely if i could have a glass of wine, but it was more like thinking, oh wouldn't it be nice if it was about 36 degrees and there was an outdoor pool i could soak myself in? It was sort of like a pointless fantasy. Like most of the rest of my life. Actually the most of the rest of my life is not a pointless fantasy. Just thinking that i'd like a drink is. Because as we know it doesn't really make anything better. And despite feeling grotty the last two or so days, i have been better for not drinking. D, my cousin will be coming to visit. I think the age gap between D and myself is 12 years. It's difficult to think of her has a young lady, or rather not such a young lady. Being the eldest of a good couple of dozen of cousins they...

Isn't life great? It is really, though isn't it? I try and tell myself that ALL THE TIME. The life is great edifice being put up brick by brick. And then something comes along and hammers at it, and then bits of it fall down, and then i feel, sigh, here we go again. I've been doing a bit of restoration work lately. And the only things i have to hold one to sometimes are the boys and the time in Singapore - oh yes, and my life, and all the great things that happen in it. At a stretch that can be called positivity. Because sometimes try as i might i can't be positive about a situation. Like the Middle East crisis. Don't think anyone apart from the military industrial complex can say anything positive about that. But then i have to look at the bigger picture, of my life and go, yeah, it's not bad at all. We are one of the lucky ones. Cheer up. I'm currently trying to find time to write six more short stories. And it isn't easy. I think i will make a r...

Since coming back its all been about catching up with people and getting things done. It is Wednesday and it has been so busy. I get up and do my little morning ritual of taking a bath, lemoning and coppering myself and then doing my eurythmy. The latter three have mostly got to do with sorting out the astral. The astral, of course being the soul part which i'm supposed to be transforming at this time of my life. Astral transformation has been very interesting so far. Yesterday i'm pretty sure that it resulted in a headache, a dull caffeine-like headache, only because i've been transforming so much lately. By transforming i mean dealing with emotions in a totally different way from the way i usually deal with them. Which is allow them to ride me. Many people just suppress them. I do not belong to that race. I belong to the other race. The one which just gets blown all over the place by emotion. So lately, instead of resorting to repression which would not give me a head...

A weekend of intense activity. The course was on and we had Martyn Rawson give us a talk on the curriculum. It is fascinating to see the directions in which Steiner Education is going/growing. Also interesting is his take on the curriculum. The session left me with more questions than answers, but of course, as usual, the proof of the pudding is in the eating and so far i cannot complain about dessert. Oisin will never be able to sit the 11 plus for now, but i did leave the weekend feeling far more comfortable about my sense in the stupidity and futility of exams. A belief i used to have and still do now. I'd like Oisin to have the choice to attend a university, but i'd be equally happy if he didn't and went for something vocational. Whatever happens, i am pretty hopeful that the curriculum will leave him with a sense of direction. A sense of purpose. That is after all what people really want and need in life. To connect with themselves and connect with the world around the...

It's been a tough ol two days. They go up and they go down. I'm trying to practise equanimity and positivity. With the full moon everything seems to be up and about. The winds don't make things easier. Work with the astral continues apace. I'm becoming more aware of the chakras and how they 'wobble' - yes 'wobble'. I sort of see/feel them like wheels turning in me, but not really wheels, like centres that radiate, and whenever i feel upset or any negativity, its like a wobble on the bike, and then i need to right the bike, to rebalance it. In the past two weeks it has been going well, really well. In the last two days, not so good. Right now, the wobbling near the heart is actually causing some physical pain. It is truly weird. I'm in the final stages of the essay. Rereading Education of the Child - a series of lectures by Steiner on education - after doing this course for a year - can't quite believe its been a year - has been really g...

Perfect for the season of St Michael... A Man Should Strengthen Himself Vigorous when facing the beatings of ten thousands heavy waves Passionate like the rays of the red sun Having courage like forgde iron and bones as hard as refined steel Having lofty aspirations and excellent foresight I worked extremely hard, aspiring to be a strong and courageous man (a hero) In order to become a hero, One should strive to become stronger everyday An ardent man shines brighter than the sun Allowing the sky and sea to amass energy for me To split heaven and part the earth (To create a new world) , to fight for my aspirations Watching the stature and grandure of jade coloured waves at the same time watching the vastness jade coloured sky, let our noble spirit soar I am a man and I must strive to strengthen myself. Walking in firm steps and standing upright let us all aspire to be a pillar of the society, and to be a hero Using our hundredfold warmth, to bring ...

Because little amuses the innocent... today i was delighted when i put my netbook into my fake Cath Kidston laptop bag. I secretly suspect that i bought the netbook so i could carry the bag around legitimately. I now CANNOT wait to swan about Botanic Avenue, asking cafes for their wi-fi keys and just doing the Carrie Bradshaw thing. But with cheaper shoes and looking less anorexic. A lot less. I am slowly converting my room into mission control. I will turn my side tables/dressing table into 21st century escritores, because i write best in bed. With all my shite surrounding me, with my lap writing table on my lap and just the ability to be lost.... and  yet at the some time connected. I woke with a light on all night headache because i slept with the light on. I watched Rosemary's Baby which was really really good. You're never really sure if she's nuts or if they were Satanists. I suspect like most of real like, it is something in between. As social certainties become ...

It's almost 4.30 and i should have seen it coming. I have not don an awful lot... now that the boys have gone i have bascially vegged for five hours now. Watching TV, eating all my meals in the space of three hours and then just played on the phone this daft game called tower block, which consists of dropping blocks on top of each other as acurrately as possible. It is fairly moronic and i feel utterly moronic as well. I was going to clean the house and do the eassy. Have i? Fuck. I have a load of laundry on my bed doubling as feet warmers and i'm reading a book which i'm not supposed to be reading. BEcause i could be reading a completely different book. But i'm just not able to get the brain into gear at all. Today as i was brushing my teeth, just after reading the Metta Sutra, i thought about the ending bit where they say, people who are able to practise loving kindness are not born again into this world. And i thought, today begins the start of not being born again...

I have a lot of opportunity to now contemplate hunger as i'm mostly hungry all the time. I'm full for about an hour after eating - and then i am hungry. But i think that we are supposed to be hungry for most of the time, so i do not eat when i am hungry. I eat when it is time to eat. I eat well, but it is amazing how quickly the food digests and then, i'm hungry... For instance, i had a cheese toastie for breakfast. It is quite a big thing a cheese toastie. But by 10 am i was starving. But i held on till lunch time when i had two pizza slices, and now i am starving. It is two hours to go before dinner. However this is how most of the world lives. They don't eat when they want and any amount that they want. It is humbling. I have also started to not waste food. And i'm astounded at how little one has to shop if we take portion sizes and not wasting food into account. For instance, i have spent most of the past week digging out the store cupboard and crockpotting ...

I'm just lookin at the FB page and have about gazillion invites to various things. Belfast, is without doubt, party central. It's not like i'm popular or somefin. Nope. It's just that there's so much going on and if you wanted to get ratarsed every single night of the week for practically nothing at all, Belfast is your town. Alternatively you could just go and watch people do this OR you could go, watch people do this, and listen to lots of fantastic music. Thus far, i have not done any of the above. Because i'm doing the laundry. And studying. And working. And sending chillin to and fro from wherever it is that they to and fro from. Today, it was with some relief that i finally got a good gawp at the filming i had done. Carl, was astonishingly very kind about the stuff i had done. Technically, it was alright. Whether the content was alright was a different story. It was fascinating watching the tapes again. I saw so many nuances which i hadn't noticed pr...

I had a truly odd dream yesterday, or should i say at least two odd dreams. The first one involved me being a young man. I was a young man. Yep. I was a young 20 something man.... the second one had small animated clay figures of mermen and seahorses, and involved elevators, really posh looking ones. I put it down to reading Knowledge and Foundations of Human Experience... today i woke feeling as if i had been drinking the night before (which i had not, although i did have a last night snack of oats.) Sort of sluggish and heavy. And the kids were very sleepy too. I put on my lemon oil and my copper ointment after the bath... and then i started to get ready for work. And i felt a bit better. Last night we discussed reincarnation. Everyone was surprised when i said i didn’t really believe in it. You don’t believe in reincarnation? They said, incredulously. I had to explain that i was a bit like the Irish woman who when asked if she believed in fairies said, “I do not believe in the...

On Friday we celebrated Eid. It was really an excuse to cook Indonesian food and see a few friends. Gill and Lara were there with their families, so we had seven boys. Yes. NI has a definite surplus of boys. It's very interesting really. So here are photos from the day... Rendang, sambal, satay and kacang sambal udang Gill and Lara tuck in! Dessert was this amazing chocolate sauce which i though hadn't worked, but had We had that with cream and ice cream and berries... yum! Appreciative diner

I'm now reading Knowledge of the Higher Worlds and How to Acheive It. Given a title like that i was approaching the entire exercise with trepidition and worry. I needn't have. Because the book should have been also called, or could also be called, How to be a Better Human Being. It is full of really really good advise which has the added benefit which is should you never acheive awareness of spirit, which is a great bonus, you'd have become a much nicer, useful and pleasant, not to mention, happier and more content person. Without having to go through lobotomy. I know that i struggle with one part.... the part where i am still really annoyed with people who i think have been awful to me. People who have been just plain nasty to friends. People who are conniving, deceitful and unfair. And i'm supposed to forgive them and forgive myself from acting like a shite towards them. It's a tough one right? Sometimes, quite recently in fact, i thought, i'm getting better...

Sob sob, today Ghin started Kindergarten... and he went in with no fuss... Oisin is now in class 5... arrrgh!!!! Where did the time go? Here are the highlights It's off to school we go... loaded with souveniers from Singapore.  Admit Ghin's lips are a bit blue from the blue trick sweet we let him have to entice him on day one in school... his clothes are recycled from Oisin when Oisin was 5... my babies are all growing up. Our new gardener... Tom Baker Yes that's right Dr Who is our new gardener. Tom was out doing very nifty things with a leaf blower. The school grounds looked amazing. Wait till you see Ghin's Kindergarten garten. Down the gravel hill Oisin's new class... he made that stationery box in front of him. Doling out pressies... This year, in addition to world mythology they do botany..., love Donna's Goethean plant observation there Homework, in the words of Nathan, we knew it was coming Bigger and badder.... ...