Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

It was so lovely yesterday, having dinner with Heidi. What a woman. What a force. What modesty. Such an inspiration to how we live. She is incredible. She and Ruth Caughers. Women to be inspired by. She Ruth Caughers and Gabriel. Half a generation up and keeping me sane while the world goes mental. The sense of proportion always at the forefront of everything. Like Ma. Women who have lived large in their own way and always kept it real. These women. Women who trod their own path, found their own truth and moved through their times with integrity and honesty. And some guile. And some courage. These women. They keep me sane. Tough as nails and yet kind. Sensible. Sturdy. Unwavering. Yeah, those women. As social media descends into chaos, I use it for just promoting Elements. That's it. Nothing else. I do post things about life... but really to state opinions that no longer happens on social media unless you are a sociopath. It is no longer the tool of campaigning which it used to be....

Today was mostly planning...

These last two days mark the end of the holidays for me. I have to force myself into the habits of studying and researching and prepping again. The next four weeks will be relentless. It was nice to end this one on a treat to the causeway. I couldn't sleep after I finished here. All the things I needed to do but have not done were rushing about my head. But I was too tired to do them. I must start taking my supplements again. What's worse is that some of the time I feel completely miserable for no reason. Well there are reasons, but it is just that I let these reasons get to me. I cannot. I repeat I simply cannot let them get to me. I must ensure that from this moment on it is about walking through the driving rain and snow just to stand still. Just to not slide backwards. I tell myself that the past ten years I have had a boring life. And I have. I have just done school and then not much else. Looked after the boys, chilled a lot, not tried to change the world. I d...

It is very interested dealing with Oisín now. I have to remind myself repeatedly that Oisín's ego is coming into its own and I must now accept it. Of course he will still be my wonderful son and everything, but certainly that defining yourself in opposition to... and also my cruel sense of humour, now flung back in my face. Ah well. My mother always told me she hoped i would have a child as wonderful and as awful as I was. This has come to pass.  Oisín is now the truth teller. The problem is, as I am discovering, it is his own truth. To be honest, his patience is breathtaking. It has always been. This sense of humour intact, and his ambition limitless. There is a wonderful sort of outrageous independence which I recognise from waaaay back when. I love seeing it.... and I also look forward to seeing how it will play out. My wonderful son.  Sons. Ghin on the other hand... sensitive, thoughtful, the archetypal second child. Writes better than I do, which is saying something, has ...

Do not for a moment imagine that I do not understand how lucky I am. How I know exactly the people who would give their eye teeth to live the life which I live. That my sons are healthy. That they get on with each other. I have good health. That I have a job - jobs - I love and that I have friends and family. That I have the means to live a life which is pleasant and free from the worry of finding my next whatever it is. Do not imagine that I do not understand that. Even now I am organising a Forest School for next week. Even now I am speaking to people who wish me the best. The universe has blessed me with all this and more. Do not for a moment i ever question my good fortune and fill all the cracks with gratitude. Because I absolutely do. Everything is said with understatement - because I do not want to tempt the good folk. Just another holiday with the three of us. They both look more and more like twins... I took this photograph when they were sl...

Portrush... like you have never seen it before Power rangers stance All my life I have loved the beach.So when I arrived in Ireland I was very at home. Except the beaches here were very cold. It was suggested I got a wet suit. I thought if I did get a wet suit, it would be great. Except that I don't really believe it works. As with so many of these things, I ended up being forced into it. In this case it was deep bouldering. The wet suit strangely worked.  And this was the next time I put one on. I got into the water. The boys were as happy as. Oisín surfed and helped Ghin. It is such a wonderful thing to see the both of them helping each other. We spent time in Portrush later... walking around. Appreciating the town before it is completely engulfed by flats and developments. I used to think that Portrush was a small sleepy town - it is not. And the entire North Coast has been overtaken by surf shops and the Game of Thrones. I can only hope that it retains...

I have noticed that over the past months I have left a week between my posts. Then I post about three times in a day... to catch up and these posts have been completely distracted. Perhaps it was the summer. Perhaps it has been this year. Perhaps it is ennui. Perhaps it is old age. I am uncertain. Whatever it is, it has been very difficult to write. Very difficult to pin things down.  Over the past few months I have become a bit distressed with the state of the world and the nonsensical writing in it. I have been especially annoyed at the rubbish which these people who vlog or whatever it is called do. They are just filling the planet with crap - high level amounts of crap and for what? It is beyond depressing.  I think as a result, this blog is very different contextually from when I first began it. It is amazing how it has taken only 15 years from something which was innocent and well regulated - self regulated - to become a terrible scourge. Perhaps that has been my relucta...

i am 20 days behind my write a blog every day goal. This year has been pretty crap for blog writing. Although it has been better than in previous years. But not as good as last year or the year before that. I am now writing from The Fullton Arms which has gone full GOT. They have really gone big time on the whole Ballinatoy Harbour thing and done the place up to reflect the once crazily popular TV series. People still come to the harbour - and last night a man drowned in it. The harbour itself was quite busy for a wet Tuesday evening. We walked down to it and admired the sweet Mediterranean 1920s house there. Beside it was a terrible monstrosity. However we could admire the lovely house with the seahorse and the bull of the sea. The other house should have never happened. This is what happens when people have money and no taste. Like Elon Musk, like Jeff Bezos, like Richard Branson. Tastes bought in not cultivated from the spirit, from the soul. Because if it was it would n...

There are some people whom after you have met them make you feel ... what is the only word to use? ... they make you feel drained. Somehow they have managed to nourish themselves at your expense. And why is that? I hope I am not one of those people. I know the reason for that - it is because they are insecure. For some reason they feel less than. And then, you have to feel sorry for them. However, is it your job to then take it upon yourself to carry that? Questions.  Also you can't quite bring yourself to say how ridiculous they are. So you just keep quiet and feel that the person is going down the wrong path and you can't say an awful lot about it.  So, here is the plan. Be mind no matter what. Do my Irish. Do my thing. Draw, write, teach, do forest school. Be simple. Always. Always. No matter what. This is the long term plan. The plan which says I am comfortable in my skin. The plan which says I chose this, I did not want that. And there were good reasons for that. I can...

It is hard to believe how big the boys are. Oisin is now twenty and Ghin is 14. I still see them as about 3 and a half. Time has no meaning. Twenty years in my sons' lives does not feel that long and yet at the same time it is forever. It is the difference between 30 and 50. Which is a lot. And it will be the difference between 50 and 70 which is old in anyone's books. I quite like being 50 - I always knew I'd enjoy it. It is like finally being on holiday. There is no longer the need to pretend to try and get things done. And there is no effort to be made in understanding things. You just ... do. You get it. You get life. You read it.  The state of the world now does not make for good reading I have to say. All the nightmares which I have feared are at the point of blossoming. It is hard to understand how deluded and blinded politicians and voters have been by the overwhelming madness which is consumption. These films are made of these ridiculous interiors which speak of so...

my mothers philosophy is simple. One day happy one day sad... you might as well be happy. I don't think you can argue with that. On Friday the boys and I took off to Glenoe. We had wanted to go to the beach first but I thought, no, I don't think I can face the beach and the people plus I wanted to bathe in fresh water. Bathing in fresh water in Ireland is a risky business. the water courses here are some of the most polluted in Europe. Ghin thought though - what about Glenoe? The place with the large tree. So thats where we went.  Glenoe.

Well, the moon has losing its sting. The weather has changed and it looks like we are in for cooler weather - to everyone's relief. It is as if I have been moonstruck over the past two weeks. It has been a very powerful moon. It has brought floods and drought - the moon exaggerates everything. Its light has the ability to pull and distort whatever personal heaven or hell you are going through. I must learn to white knuckle it - it has been a long long time since that has taken place. I do get a bit silly and dreamy, but certainly the madness of the last week - that has been a long time since the frustrations overwhelmed me like that. The planning must now begin. The calendar begins cranking one more time. It has been a rather beautiful holiday it has to be said. Apart from the lunacy. But here we are... So today we start again. I did manage to clear out the garage, clean it, repaint the picnic bench and the garage door. I did manage to cut the grass by hand, sort out the side bit a...

I have to look past the madness. I have to. It is difficult, but if I am to continue I must. I have no choice. Literally no choice. I am not pretending. I am done pretending. I am not putting brave faces on things anymore. I am not going to pretend. What I am going to do is put up a ring of protection around the boys. I am going to have to do that - and do that by trusting them completely and accepting it. And not listening to the lies of the master liar - Peter. Not listening to any of that horror. Not listening to the lying and the manipulation. Deleting every text before I get to see it. Just keeping my gaze fixed on the North Star and promising that I will one day be there. Free of his horror. And then I focus on creating a safe space for my sons. To no longer infect that space with my own disappointment and sadness. Over the course of the madness we have seen how awful a person can be. We have to be there for each other. And I have to keep that space. That space of faith. 

I never understood how much he suffered too. How hurt he also was. How much closer he was to where I was than I ever thought he would be. How I just found it so painful. We are too much alike - Oisin and I. Too much. Too full of the responsibilities and the duties. Too much of being the one who fixed everything. Too much of being seen as the good child. This was a wake up call for me. I have to let them go. I have to realise and recognise that it has been a tough journey also. As tough as it was for me - and tougher for them. I check in on him.  He is silent.  He is asleep. Today has been a bad day for everyone.

Today was beautiful and we ended it with a trip to the cinema. We watched the Conjuring and it was pretty dreadful. There were some serious laugh out loud moments and we all decided that these people were deluded. The most annoying part is the whole thing where Satanists are known as the people of the Ram. That is completely mental. People don't understand the different ages and this kind of nonsense just makes someone like me just groan inwardly and outwardly. But apart from that I did manage to organise the house and I did manage to sort through many things. One of the things I sorted through were drawers - basically reorganising them. I made corndogs for dinner - Oisin enjoying the not having to think of food part of his life - with salad. As I was saying earlier I have no right to be upset about anything anymore. Any sense of sadness or misery has dissipated partly thanks to the outrageousness of the situation. Oh funny man alert - he is taking the boys to Derry tomorrow to pos...

This morning I woke up and I felt very sad. Because of the madness of course. I had a terrible night. I dreamt I was in some place which was dark and it smelt and I was trying my best to get the boys to a safe place. But at the same time it was awful the nightmare of the betrayal and the failure hounded me. I kept on trying to turn and run but everytime i found myself back in the same place. Trapped by a man who wasn't really a man. Was never really a man. A festering sore, a wound which i can now see only used people to make himself feel better. As the layers peel away and away and away it is clear that there is no centre of goodness there. There is no integrity, no dignity, no thought of anyone but himself. I woke relieved but the echo of the dream even now as I write at 4 in the afternoon haunts me. I tried doing the Irish lessons in the morning a routine I have come to enjoy and all the time I was crying. I get the simplest pronouns wrong and I teared. They seeped. I was not cr...

Well... Oisin is home. He is back and all is right with the world. I am made of happiness, this is my heart centred once more. I went for a walk yesterday at Slievenacloy - hands down the best wildflower meadow for miles around. The place was filled with gorgeous orchids, grasses and the ancient neolithic site housed hawthorns which were centuries old. To stand there was to stand in the flow of time. Yet again it was one of those places which emanated the age of the land. Here was a time before the Celts. A place that time had worn down smooth, like a pebble, like a stone. Here the years fit into the palm of your hand, it gave a comfort, it said, do not worry, be not afraid, I got before you. It was the same feeling you had in the cool groping interiors of ruined churches, vine smothered temples, sea soaked standing circles. Here I had learned after years and years to recognise a friend in time. Fifty years is enough to do this. Fifty years and we dip out toes into eternity. we recogni...

Sometimes when the worst possible thing happens to you - well not you directly, but kinda indirectly - it creates a huge blowout and then things can return to normal. This is exactly what happened last week. It started last Wednesday and then just kept on going. I can tell it is going to come to an end soon. I can tell. And so I am now able to plan and get started again. I have just tidied the house... and I can't think what I should do first... organise stuff or hoover? Organise or hoover?

When talking to Ma today she said to me, why are you upset? You should be laughing. He is in so much crap and you are free of that. I was, yes this is true. And at that moment i thought there was schadenfreude before but now it is full blown hysterical laughter. Popcorn level madness. Jerry Springer hilarity. Jeremy Kyle level madness. Rikki Lake. Trash trash trash. And I am out of it. Whew. Almost out of it. I am going going going gone. And it feels great. Good.  And just like that I was free. I was yeah this is true. It is really not my problem anymore. What a fucking jokester. The mess, the hot fucking mess that is his life. And I am no longer part of that crap. It's great though, to be vindicated completely. To have the entire world see what a dipshit he is. How irresponsible he is. How he doesn't care who he pulls into his vortex of insanity. And I am now free of it. Gone. Of course he still has his hooks in the boys, and I can try to do what I can, but it is up to the boy...

The truth is that I will be better. I am better off. But the mental and emotional somersaults are just ridiculous. But I'm better now. The world is a strange place right? One minute it is going well and the next minute it is insane. 

This past week has been a crazy one. I have literally spent six hours of everyday since Monday doing stuff in the forest with kids. I am happiest there. I really am. I spend all day doing things in a beautiful space with tools and implements, listening to the birds and just being outdoors. I mean could I ask for more? I think not. And yet yesterday I felt remarkably sad. I know why but I also don't think it makes any sense. As Ghin said in the past week, when I think about chances of us being here in Earth - the billions and billions of infinite choice, I think how lucky I am. And I spend all day feeling that luck in the forest, on the beach, in a river... all those wonderful choices and chances. So I need to just can it. I am literally living my best life. So I just need to stop being an asshole. The Irish is coming along well I think. I have spent about five hours a week on it. There is a gentle sense of satisfaction as i learn this new but old language. Rescued from a certain de...

So that wasn't so hard was it? It has been a mad year. A year of Covid and gaslighting. People just really upset with each other and stuff... and I... I have done ok out of it. I keep thinking about the year that was. I am having an early night tonight. But this morning we sorted out the toilet and then I came home and did LOADS of Irish. I mean loads of it. I get very tired and then went to sleep. Then I went shopping with Gabriel. Then I came home and cooked lunch which was lentil and spinach soup. A great combo. That was followed by more sleeping and then cleaning. It was chilled. I finished watching Coming to America. I think I saw it once ages ago. It is quite sexist but funny in the way which only Eddie Murphy is funny.  But there you go. Did a shallow dive on the word cheugy. I am now so bloody out of touch with everything that I am proper old. I mean being a millennial is old. I remember when they were the next shiny thing. I have never understood millennials tbh. I never s...

I have a few minutes now before heading out to Lidl with Gabriel. I look back on the year and it has been a momentous one.  I now return to class one - so I am still part of the school. I have learned to be in a team. It has not been easy but it has been an achievement. I have continued to work at Elements. It has been also great learning. Between Jonathan and Gabriel and the work we have been doing - from the art to the work for the kids, it has been something else. Once more, I am in awe of the universe.  Of course I finally left Peter. This summer I sell the house. It has also been a deep learning. I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I have been very happy and now that the school year is over I am giving myself a week off before I get started again. Probably sometime in August with all that. Apart from that the last two weeks of July will be me doing stuff here. Repainting things, etc. I've learnt Irish. I've started the zodiac paintings. And finally, I have started writing Atlan...