Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

Mondays are LETHAL. School but with cooking and then Forest School and then mental health seminar. Yesterday the seminar was about autism and mental health - how autistic people are neurodivergent and as a result a lot of the methods developed for people who are normies are not suitable for them. I still cannot understand what I hear about autistic people - there is such a huge variation. It seems that what makes someone autistic or not autistic is the how much they are able to understand social cues and take part in what is considered normal life, and their sensory perception - usually sensory overwhelm. It would appear that they have the same if not better abilities - well same in that everyone processes and understands things differently, but they are sort of hidebound by these obstacles which then result in them expressing themselves differently. I have so many questions. She gave an example of deaf people in a room and being non-deaf would mean that you were the 'handicapped...

The Younger Drayas Why do things come to an end? How do they do that? On a microlevel, it seems obvious. A relationship runs out of fire, a machine begins to breakdown. A day comes to an end. someone gets ill and dies. Living in this linear space, it is obvious. Everything is temporary. Nothing stays the same. We'll be coming round again. It is the affliction, the terrible affliction of human kind, to have to deal with that hand of cards which we were given. We have never gotten used to it. In fact we have hated it so much that for as long as we have been able to, we have been telling ourselves stories of the forever - the eternal. Something inside us yearns, has yearned, will yearn to build monuments to immortality. Megaliths, cave art - stories. Our stories are sculpted in air, but they are no less the cravings of a mortal creature for immortality. So the why and how here - on this plane, our plane of existence, that is clear. We were fated to have things end. But as we turn our ...

There is something heartfelt and earnest about Samuel's response to God - tell me, what do I need to do? So different from the ethos I was raised in. That winner take all hard graft hard grind that egotistical I and I alone will do it. I alone will burn with the fire of a thousand stars. Anyhoo - I have been getting up at 4 am forever now and after the Mercury has come out of retrograde - well, here I am writing and turning up. I have started making the carageen porridge with slipper elm, and chia seeds for breakfast again. So good for everything. I bought a giant butternutsquash to make soup and we are have casear's salad for dinner everynight - which means lettuce and chicken - oh I need to get the dressing's ingredient's as well. Anchovies and eggs. the total princely sum of my weekly shop yesterdat, including Gary's cat treat? Was £21. That is all I will need. That also included 2 pineapples, 6 nectarines and 2 bags of oranges. It looks like prices are slowly co...

Well I did it! I organised this coming month at least - got off my arse, feeling sorry for self, etc - and now I'm feeling loads and loads better. OMG mystery solved - Mercury went into retrograde on the 28th of December and it has only just fucking lifted. Jesus wept. It makes sense. It stays there for three weeks but the weeks before and the weeks after carry that sting in its tail. Sun's out. I am going to clean out Forest School things and then do admin - after I have had a swift nap. It has been brutal really. Mercury retrograde. Honestly.

After a ridiculous most un-new year new year I have ever had, followed by the most awful January full of set backs and idiocy, we noiw finally breach February and I can already feel the air turning. The thing is that I MUST write, blog and run everyday. If I do not do that I end up sagging like a fecking idiot. I have decided that yet for ANOTHER year it is going to be a holding pattern. I am doing what I have said I will do BUT I am also going to really start looking after my body - especially the running, stretching and the core. I have literally NO EXCUSE. Apart from being tired and fed up. But sure, who isn't tired and fed up these days? I look at people - most people - and we are surprised we are still standing. People seem to be dying everywhere and all the time. It is a quite disconcerting. And many people are unwell. Many people are getting cancer again. After having it gone into remission. It is really not easy. I need to get out for a run. I am going to bin food in the fr...

I don't often experience the stoppage of time - in fact it is quite the opposite. The only time I remember it moving slowly was when the boys were very small - and that's just as well cos now that they are older and I am sad I don't see them so much I can look back and remember wow that was wonderful that time we spent together. AND there was so much of it. But yesterday for about 5 minutes it felt like time did not move AT ALL and then after that it dragged on and on until it was over. Then Ghin turned up fell asleep from 4.30 - 10.30 pm and then made me drive to Tescos where he bought fish and chips, made me make it for him so he could study laters. and he is still studying. It was a v long day. ================================== God save me from the dissembling and lying, the disingenuous and the stupid. Gave save me from them all. I am not the same person that I used to be, so I am not going to react the way I reacted, would have reacted in the past. I can only do so mu...

Mondays are full on. School with cooking followed by Forest School then mental health seminar. Apparently sleep and screen time are making us insane. And the antidote is nature and play. So there you go.

The Divine Feminine is unheard because someone has to be. Because of this she is mystery. Because of this she is overlooked. Because of this she is misunderstood. But for sound to work, there must be silence. Otherwise it is a blaring trumpet. The Divine Feminine is the rest between the notes. It is the ties which bind. The Divine Feminine is Dark Matter - and it is in all of us. Unacknowledged, anything unacknowledged festers. Anything unacknowledged, withers. It shrivels up and then, it does not die because it is an archetype, it becomes shadow. The shadow to co-operation is manipulation. The shadow to being silenced is a living entombment. The shadow to a lack of appreciation is resentment and bitterness.  And sadly no one in society does this for us, has done this for us, will do this for us. We go through society expecting and hoping for this nourishment from others. For our nearest and dearest, our supports around us. Our collegeaues and friends. However, the terrible truth i...

I do feel dreadful for people who have made a living from what ChatGPT can do now. However, writing was never about living for me. Like all my at it was about the satisfaction it brings when you art. I think that ChatGPT is maybe more like photography - as photography is to art. And still even more limited than that. It's a helpful tool - maybe like a screwdriver or a saw - or maybe even something more basic... like I don't know... a mirror - a nice mirror. It cannot create anything new. It has no unique voice. Even trying to get it to have a new voice is hard. Maybe each person could get a ChatGPT and have it on their computer and it could then speak in their voice but really, it isn't the same is it? Unless you attach a microchip into your brain if you found the place where the personality is made. In the end, it is a fact spewing machine and I AM glad that it exists so that now this ridiculous idea that people have to write things and spew them out as part of homework is...

I cannot believe how swiftly each day passes by. I must get everything for Forest School sorted today. Or this weekend at least. Everything. I think I'll go for a drive as well this weekend to Glasswater and a few other sites. I'm taking fuel for that recce as well. I get up at 4 am now - with no effort at all.  The weather is cold but not THAT cold. People like complaining about the cold. It is annoying but really it is ok. It is fine. I wonder if you can have a physical manifestation of autism?  What causes autism? Who knows? Did it always exist and we just rolled with it? But as education became more and more exacting students who would have coped previously just went under... it is ridiculous really how education has become completely mad. We went to deliver Ghin's parcel yesterday - his reselling of shoes. He was so delighted. He loves shopping for shoes and - well I am just supporting him where he goes. It has been completely mad over the past few years... I am going ...

It has been a long stop-start process here. Yesterday I sent off most of the pensions. I have to chase the last one down now. I don't know what the deal is with what I have printed out. It is probably not enough and they have to see it to let me know if it is ok. Can't believe it is already Thursday... Right here we go... Yesterday was lovely - one of the children came over to me and said I love you. On a regular basis some say I am thankful you are my teacher. On a regular basis parents tell me how appreciative they are that I am looking after their child. On a regular basis I see that they are doing good. We do our times tables everyday and we work hard. Really hard. I see them engaged in class. Discussing with each other. I see the children working with each other. Yes there are frustrations, but everyone tends to be alright. Even the ones who struggle with self regulation - they are getting there. One more week.  Sigh. Right... here we go... Ghin came over yesterday and pla...

The thing about AI is that it is great for doing the factual thing. It is not so good at doing the creative thing. And it is not good at all at doing the detailed thing. Siuban and I said last night that if you have to be inputting that amount of parameters into the story you might as well write the story yourself. I told her that the AI was good at the broad strokes. It is actually really good at programming. I think it is weird that programmers managed to create programmes to make themselves obsolete. I mean they literally did themselves out of a job... what is that about? Mental. BUT what it is not so good about is the detail - and the actual doing of things. They will probably build a robot army although I have to say a robot army is far more easy to build in a film than in actual life. And they will need people - quite stupid people - to build it as well. It was so awesome talking to Siuban. We are planning the workshop in two and a bit weeks time. It is quite exciting. It has bee...

Honestly. I have now managed to get about 80% of the documentation together and sort out Forest School. I have a couple of things left, but here we have all of the financial things and I spent 80% of that time tangling with computers and the Government Gateway. Why do they pretend that computers can do the things they are supposed to do when they clearly are inept at setting them up and then not have anyone at the end of the line? The government is really slowly sinking into quicksand. Or more like quickly... entropy takes place like this - for a very long time it seems like nothing is happening and then suddenly the bottom falls out and the centre has not held for a very very long time. Then all hell breaks lose and people who were counting on that floor to be there end up falling through the cracks and then everything goes to shit and the survivors survive. Then people learn lessons. As time goes on, they start to kid themselves and the whole idiotic cycle begins again. That is what ...

This weekend the boys were here. It is always hard with Oisin leaving. I cannot imagine the boys not being here altogether. It will be very very hard indeed. I have been so exhausted after the week that was. It was nice - but then on Thursday the divorce requirement for CETVs came through and that punched me in the gut. It has been so so hard really to have to muster up all this shit again.  I am completely done. But still go on. I don't know what to think or what comes next. I am just gutted. Gutted. But I must summon all the forces today and punch that hole through that wall. I should go running AGAIN. I tried ChatGPT yesterday. It was very strange. It is now 7.15 am. I will start a review. A review of my life.

There are times in my life where I have gone - yeah, it is good. It is AWESOME. I am good. I am AWESOME. Life is good. Life is AWESOME. This is one of them. Mostly because the teaching has reached a sweet spot. I am a good teacher and that's all I have ever wanted to be when I began this journey. I know that I was just trying it out the first time round and now and know I have done good. The class and I are now in sync and we trust each other. We are on a journey and we are all working at our best. If this is the last day of this happiness, I will know it was real, because I made a note to recall it. I was exhausted yesterday though. Just slumped on the floor tired. I told the boys not to come over today. But they will stay the weekend with me. Apparently, Peter is paying for all the ancillary costs associated with the trip. It will not touch Ghin's university fund. That's good. I suppose the email did get through to him then. But anyway... that's the way it goes.  The ...

Here I am showing up for the blog. It has been exhausting, Day 1 - but it has also been really enjoyable. The children loved coming back and they were all eager and ready to learn and do. It has been really fun. Really fun. I am now just waiting for the divorce to be over. It is taking forever. Here we are then - it has been such a nightmare really. I find it so hard with the boys being at the =3's place. He has no sense of responsibility nor interest in the boys' well-being as he has indicated all these years. All he is interested in doing is serving his own ego. A teenager stuck in a geriatrician's boy. A senior citizen. The idiocy is staggering and the selfishness off the charts. But he has normalised this behaviour in the boys and Ghin is now someone who does not accept any responsibility. It is everyone else's fault if he behaves like an asshole. Perhaps I was like that too? Merciless at who I poked fun at. Perhaps that was me. His wit is dangerous. I can see it. R...

Yesterday I attended a talk at the Christian Community about the quality of the gifts which Christ received from the Three Kings - or Magi. Gold, Myrrh and Frankincense. What they were composed of and what they could symbolise. Gold, with its purity and its malleability, was Thinking, Myrrh - its hidden nature in the hard bark and as resin, used for antibacterial and embalming purposes by ancient cultures was Willing. And Frankincense, composed of three ingredients from the plant world, from Africa, Asia Minor and Europe, released by fire to something sweet and transcendent, was Feeling. It is the depiction of the Threefold Human Being. The Magi were welcoming Christ to being human, here on Earth. And this is the gift. Humanity. The other thing was that the Earth was a gift, and that made me realise, once more than this planet IS unique in all the universe in its exceptional ability to support what we know as life. Every part of it teems with life - you cannot keep algae from growing e...

Heidi and the boyz The holidays are over. What can be said for them. Again full of drama and again full of heartbreak. I have spent all my time trying to make it from one day to the next without screaming. Outwardly. But yesterday I attended a beautiful talk at the Christian Community about the gifts brought during Epiphany and how they aligned with the Thinking, Feeling and Willing aspects of ourselves - but more importantly, it was about the sacred nature of our existence here on Earth and how we were able to bring about change, to transform the planet. And at that moment I recalled my own realisation of the unique beauty of the Earth - that in all of the entire cosmos, as far as we know, we are alone in this place that is teeming with life. Every atom and molecule is buzzing with beauty and existence. And here we are, as human beings, able to behold the splendour and write and sing and dream and make with it. Animals do not have this - they exist WITHIN nature. Not beyo...

And so the days pass. They pass and pass. And something happens, then nothing happens, then something happens again. Can anyone escape the human condition? The long haul. It is incredibly exhausting that long haul. I am having a hard time adjusting to everything now. I can't seem to get motivated to do what I need to do. And I know what to do - so why won't I do it? Yesterday Ghin told me that he ended up in a row with five kids. My son - how has he ended up with this cholera? It's a bit mad. I don't know what is getting into him. I told him that the adrenalin is not ok I said. It is not ok to get off on the adrenaline of a fight. Can't you find some other way? I honestly did my best. I did. I really don't know what else I can do now. It's not up to me anymore. I spent yesterday just watching one film after the other on Disney Plus instead of doing anything I should or planned to. I think to myself, maybe it is just me being very very tired after all those y...

I literally could not tell you. There is no one meaning to life at all. Life is a series of events, of happenings. I think anything which is achieved is done so with very little consequence. No one cares really. It is like Shelley's Ozymadias. Perhaps some people, for some people, they will remember you. But by and large it is all just filler. So live your life for yourself and for the love of others. For each other. Friends. Family. The things which we came here to do. Remember them, hold on to them. Find that golden thread and make your way through the labyrinth. So designed as it is the perfect metaphor, allegory, for life. And when you get to the centre - if you are lucky enough to get to the centre - you have to then find your way out. And you exit the maze - and you are free. And maybe you go back in, or maybe, you just forget about it and move on to the next thing. What is the next thing? It doesn't matter. If you have a value system it is all about the here and now - if...

I read Ghin the first post I ever made - he could directly be credited for inspiring me to begin a blog all those years ago. Over the course of the years, I have written more and written less in it - but I have kept it up. At its least I had written fewer than a 100 posts. Usually when I do not post it is because I am 'too busy' but the truth is I am never too busy to write.  I usually didn't post when the only thing which I could write about is grief. And then I would rather not write at all. It is almost the end of the holidays. Today I return to the classroom when the boys are out celebrating it with @=3 head. It is a busy time.  Lots to be done. It is almost 8 am. In fact it is 8 am. I was with Anthony and Kevin yesterday. We talked not about old times at all really - we caught up with our lives having not seen each other for yonks and it was so so nice cos the last time we did that was in 2021, possibly even 2020 - just after the lockdowns were lifted for the summer. W...

Well it turns out I was one day off. Epiphany is today not yesterday. The 12th night was yesterday and Ghin's birthday is tomorrow!!! So yeah... I'm an idiot. We made Momos yesterday and they were delish. I will have to clean the house though. Today.  Meeting Anthony and Kevin later today. It isn't too cold. A little nip, but that's it. The bins are getting emptied. I don't know what else to day. I watched 2 films already this morning - London Boulevard and The Palest Blue Eye. Both excellent films based on interesting books. Male protagonists and men trying to do things differently. I think I never really understood the relationship fahters have with daughters. Apparently it is a huge thing. Perhaps it is the same as mothers and sons. I'd like to think though if I had a daughter I would love her so fiercely as well. I'd really like to think that. Any child really. The rise of the overpowered female character in films and TV series has really not helped the ...

Holy Night 12 January 4-5 – Sagittarius During the 12th night the crowns won are placed at the feet of the divine, because we have struggled against ourselves, but what we have wrung from it is grace, is the law of the spirit. Because grace is a stream from a source that a human being cannot reach with human power. Now is the start and end of a spaceless time – timeless space. Now everything is eternal and holy! Sagittarius’ power striving towards the goal must be directed in this way, so that it can take up the spiritual Good it receives. We must now take on into our lives what we have recognized and received in the twelve holy nights, and spiritualise matter and the soul. ==================================== Wednesday. It is insane the amount of things that have happened during these holidays. It has only been a week since Oisín has been back and already it feels like we have lived several lifetimes. It is clear that Ghin is by degrees stepping off the path and I am basically powerle...

Holy Night 11 January 3-4 – Scorpio The eleventh night: the struggle with the Guardian of the Threshold. Mystery: building up the Grail Castle in ourselves. Confessing ourselves more and more in faithfulness to the highest! ================= The Guardian of the Threshold. Building up the Grail Castle...  What a fucking crazy day. I have had enough honestly.

I am filling up January's quota fast. I have realised several things about myself though. First: Running. I must run everyday of the week for about 35 to 45 mins. I have no choice in the matter. Running is about powerhosing the brain. It gets me out and something happens to the brain when you run. But it should not be crazy amounts of running. Just enough to ground me. So that first. Second: I need to play the piano daily as well and draw. And now the days are free. They have been freed up from child raising. Third: I love my jobs. They are now front and centre. Fourth: The things I did over the past week and a half. 1. Made, I think, 16 gingerbread houses... 2. Threw a solstice/birthday/Christmas party. 3. Cleaned the entire house. 4. Cleaned all the cupboards. 5. Cooked like a manic. 6. Straightened my head out. 7. Visited Struell Wells and Slieve Guillion with the boys. 8. Restarted playing the piano. And doing this blog.  9. Began running again. So here we are... left with the ...

Holy Night 10 January 2-3 – Libra The night in which the greatest sacrifice grows from service: learning to listen to the inner voice and the signs of divinity, and to hear them obediently. Mystery: the voice calling in us through our various incarnations. Its clarity grows through sacrifice and decision. ============== I do not know if I lived a life of sacrifice. I'd like to think that where I did, I could. I tried my very best to listen to what was next - what followed. I think that... here I was, trying to consciously not take part in the mess. I know I inadvertently made a mess of my own, but thank god, I do not have to tell myself comforting lies about the reasons I took part in it all, apart from I was asked to do so. I did not have a choice. We always have a choice. The thing about choice is that you take full responsibility for what takes place thereafter. If you stay within the confines of the tribe, then you have the tribe to blame.  And in a way that's better. Becau...

Yesterday was big. Yesterday I realised that Ghin was now - I will always be there for him, but really - he must know i will he there, but also that my time as mother is over. Mother to a boy is over. I am now mother to two young men. And at that moment, I went 'Oh!' This is everything which I had done for all those years. The moment has arrived, without ceremony and without flags and chequers and without poetry and without announcement. The moment I had been working on since the day he was born and I must not and cannot stop the tide. The cascade of what all those years have meant. And now I cannot do anything anymore. Everything which had worked up to this moment - this is it now.  This is who he is now and I am pulled over the threshold. It did take me by surprise. But right now - this moment is when I call on all that store of treasure which I built up over those years. Here you go - I have had all of these moments, all of these seconds, hours, days, weeks and months and ye...

January 1-2 – Virgo Now come the three nights of the crown. Release from the only intellectual, or release of the intellect from its earthly bonds and purposefulness. This is the thrice-holy night, in which the lower ego falls away and only the desire to serve, to devote oneself, remains. Where does the devotion now lie? Where does it come back to? Who can say? All I know is that my sons, this new year, released me from my motherhood. It happened suddenly and overnight. It was nothing. It was everything. Now my service turns inwards and outwards but in a different direction. I have much to give and will continue to do so - to nourish this garden. I must run everyday, I have no choice, literally no choice. Running has saved my sanity, it has scaffolded my life. I must run everyday for between 30 to 45 minutes. Then stretch and do sit ups - up to 100 daily. I will work up to 100 daily. So my exercise schedule... Let's do that. 

Holy Night 6 December 29-30 – Gemini  Now follow the three nights of the sword. Peter’s night. Night of the consecration of the sword.  Each of us must forge his or her own sword of discernment. Each of us must unite our spiritual will with the eternal, the immortal, and the perishable, and in this way we shall recognize the truth.  Mystery: Bring together the Son of God with the Son of Man – Unity. Three nights of the sword - that is EXACTLY what it has been like. Sheesh. I think after the struggle and the railing and the tears and the screaming, here we are - in acceptance. RIGHT. Holy Night 7 December 30-31 – Cancer The serpent on the sword pommel: wisdom. We should busy ourselves with uplifting readings. It is the night of the great command. The mystery of activity: who exercises command over our soul? Who is the master of our soul, the doer of our deeds? We have the freedom to strengthen the goodwill in ourselves. Holy Night 8 December 31 – January 1 – Leo The cross...

We made rendang And chilli And cleaned the cupboards in the kitchen... It was a most chilled Christmas/ New Year. All's well that ends well.

I have had to suddenly realise that Ghin is now a grown boy. A youth. He is no longer in my orbit. He is making his own way and wants to, and why should I, how would I even, stop the sun from rising? But here he is - gone. And that is a huge threshold for me. I acknowledge that. Singapore was only the beginning - the violent wrench. And it's kind of continued after that - ever after that. So here I am, in a new phase of my life. My younger son is now no longer, and I as it were, give him to the gods. I set him on his path. The first entry was me letting him go. This one will be about refocussing all that 1000% I did for those boys now on myself. So, here we are. What will this year be? I will do my year plan now. And then start to think about what this means. And make that transition gracefully. I can do this. I have no choice. It is I being kicked out of the next, not Ghin. Go on mom, it is time for you to leave, to do what must be done. Honestly I did not expect to feel this wren...

My dearest Ghin, I remember the first time I saw you. You were a woodland sprite, sitting on a log, laughing cheekily in the forest of Glenstall Abbey. It was Easter morning and it was very special. The bells were singing and it was a wet but beautiful morning. I was walking on my own and the woods were well on their way to waking up. Everything seem sprinkled with fairy dust and on this tree stump, I can still see it, there you were sat. Giggling. I did not know later that you would be mine, but it turns out, you were. From the outset you cried - a lot. I couldn't put you down, not for a second. I couldn't clean the house, drive a car, feed myself. You were attached to me, a vertiable extension. Strangely, I did not at all find it burdensome. I enjoyed the closeness and the company. We were a little team - you, Oisín and me. The Three Musketeers. How many adventures we would go on! How many adversities we would face. How many victories, how many tears. How many thresholds cros...