31.3.26 - 93 - Survived and thrived

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Yellow vented bulbul - working on it


Yu Sheng - belated

It was lovely yesterday. I ran - no swim, we had lunch at HiDeLao. Jac came to get us at 1030 and we went to have steamboat. It was very delicious, but I did a little overeat. After that we came home and Ma and I slept. I got up at 3, which was too late to go for a swim cos I had to do loads of Admin to do with Pa and will and things like that. Then we had dinner at Jac's and got home around 8.30 pm which was a very long day for us. I had some concerning news from a friend about their health. Nothing is good in the world right now. Not to mention that Israel has released sewage in the water supply of Gaza and the war in the Persian Gulf is escalating. Iran is clearly waging a war which is going to take everyone with them and the US cannot deescalate. I don't know what all the fucking professionals in diplomatic circles - what exactly are they for? Jesus.

Anyway - yesterday a series of extremely triggering posts about living with a narcissist for a husband made me realise what a shit Peter was and how I made it out there alive and thrived in spite of him. The first feeling I felt was stupidity and then rage. And then I FELT GOOD about all the times I stood up for myself and told him what I really thought about him. I'm pretty sure that he totally hated it and I did that because I needed him to see that I was dying - BUT of course he didn't see that, he only saw that I was hurting him. Because it was always always always ALL ABOUT HIM. Even now it is all about him. Bringing innocent lives into his sphere of influence - lives which then as now - even more so now - he is utterly incapable of looking after. 

And I am NOT erasing this, as I did with all the other posts when I came here to cry in frustration.

The other thing that I am DELIGHTED about having done is having had the life which I did. The friendships I did, the connections I had. I am certain that every real friendship which I established, which I had made, every time I had a success - oh he found that utterly intolerable. I am so glad that he never managed to break me. He detested it when I was happy, when I was beautiful, when I was radiant. When I wanted to do lovely things. He hated it. And whenever he came along for anything, we was not just a wet blanket, he made it is duty, his aim, his goal to ruin everything. He was never happier than when he was making life miserable for other people who were having fun. He is the ultimate performative male. Everything was a performance about him because he didn't have anything inside. Even now, he has to have all the trappings of 'how cool am I?' - having a super young family at an insanely old age - he is 65 this year - he is exactly like Donald Trump, and all those other men, whom he despises. Because game recognises game. 

I don't care if he reads this. I'm GLAD if he reads this - because he has to understand that I know, and that everyone else knows, the kind of person he is. And I AM GLAD - I have NO REGRETS - every time I stood up to him and had my own life. And that I am utterly FREE OF HIM. So so so GOOD. Whatever I have owed him has been paid several times over and I am no longer going to have to ever see him again in this life and in any other life. 

My sons are only partly him - but they are mostly all their own person. And in many many ways that it a relief too. They had Pa to model themselves after and they can now see the person whom he is. I only feel sorry for Ghin, but Ghin will be in university soon and he knows that he has the use of the house. It's all over. All over in every single way. And I can finally see that he was a terrible human being. Terrible. And I am back here, looking after people I care about and hopefully soon, Oisin will be joining me. 

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