Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

  Complete the drawing... the constellation and the salmon of knowledge with the three hazelnuts and the planet Neptune in the background. The figure 3 - for March and the triskellin in honour of the Irish connection with the Salmon of Wisdom. The Salmon is drawn was the adult both in the Ocean and when Breeding. I've kept the background simple because the fish themselves are so detailed and I didn't want to lose the details if we had a busy background. On to Aries now!

The Teachers have always spoken of Kali Yuga, but it was most human to think it way far away. Even now, as we enter it, there is a sense of disbelief. As if, willing it, we could say it was a dream. A dream where you could wake up and everything would be as before.  But nothing is as and we are now facing a quarter of a million years of hardship.  Perhaps it is metaphorical, said Cerima.  It is not metaphorical. At least I don't think it is, Ama frowns. Cerima picks up a twig and throws it. Girl girl, says Ama. Listen, I am trying to teach you. The House of Pleasure is at its busiest. The festival is nearly on its way. The Goddess is dressed in flowers and fruit is lain at her feet. She blesses all unions and is honoured with the best of the harvest. Cerima always loved her full body - so generous and dappled, like the back of a salmon or the shadows made by the apple trees in sunlight. At the end of summer it feels like these days never end. Ama dresses her and tries to ...

I went for my walk yesterday - and I drew and wrote and the boys came home and I felt happy and settled once again. We made Onion Soup and had grilled cheese toast. We talked and laughed and joked and tried to do our very best to make it a home again. Stitching slowly the seams together. One at a time. I thought about my own work, one dull stitch at a time. But one stitch doubtless. I have no choice. These simple things make me happy and they make sense.  Drawing fish is easier than drawing birds is the conclusion I have come to. I chose the two fish - the Pisces - an adult salmon and a spawning salmon. One brilliant red and purple and the other a gleaming silver. One a little simple and self effacing, the other a prehistoric warrior, decked out for battle. Compared to the Aquarius, all of the complexity is in the skin of the fish, not the landscape. In fact as I did the mottles and scales, I thought how much like a landscape it was. Each single stippled back is unique, like finger...

One of the vimanas was struggling. The strain on the Voyagers was intense. Each connected to the other and through their collective effort the fleet moved. When one was lost, the others felt it, the grieving, but far more risky would be to continue to hold on to the damaged vessel. During their years of careful meticulous training, they were told, under no circumstances should you bring the vessel back. Our ships will eventually decompose and return to the soil. Do not attempt to bring a ship back. Get the people on board onto another craft or crafts, but just leave the ship. However, Darshan knows that this is not an ordinary circumstance. Should they leave the ship behind, the people behind, who knows what would happen. Would the ship be used to locate Atlantis. Would it yield secrets to the people who had just arrived? Perhaps they were friendly. Would we take the risk? Somewhere in his tumbling thoughts was Ama and how he had left her behind. She was ready to go though, right? It i...

Yesterday was a good day. It all began with me finally going out for a run. And then it just continued. I did the cupboards, cleaned the house, did laundry. Sorted out the fridge. Got rid of bottles and repositioned things Did my Irish!!! Yay! Finally wrote - and realised that was what I had been missing all this time. My writing. Since 6 Jan as the work piled up and filled my head - I missed writing Atlantis.  I even ate a whole lot less. The eating out of boredom was knocked on the head yesterday. I did some admin, and then in the evening, I headed out to do the full moon ritual. It was so beautiful. The ritual of the moon and the river high and gurgling. The mud and the fire... the beauty of the barren fields and trees. The air still and dry. The moon nowhere to be seen but there. Just the gladness of having gone there. And then after that back to Emma's for a drink and a chat. And some sausages. I got home around 9, and fell asleep. I was so happy. So happy. It is a windy grey ...

Promise me you will not leave it, no matter how bored and painful and sore you get. Everyday, everyday. Promise me you will not abandon me again.  I could blame everything around me but really I take responsibility for the slacking off over the last three weeks. But i'm back from my run and I'm happy again. As I ran I thought of so many things, as usual, but the thing I thought about the most was how much I have to keep doing everything I know I must do even if it bores me to tears. Even if I think nothing will come of it, I must do it for the sake of doing it. That's it. That's it. As Ma says. I was saying to her how we were so lucky to have been in Singapore for such a long time over the past eight years and how much I was grateful for Facetime. It was so much to be grateful for. Then during the run today, I was never more myself... never more myself. OK. Time to start school and then after that - time to answer mail. And then after that, we will be doing the full moo...

I'm back writing about Atlantis. I have been away for almost a month now. Perhaps it had to happen. It has been an awful month that silence. The silence because I can no longer bear to face the tedium of each day and yet this is better than what Syrian refugees are facing.  I am reading about the life of Herod. That crazy king - the man who is a wolf. Hard to believe that people could be so obsessed with power that they would stop at nothing - literally. That there are no holds on their ravenous nature. Ordering the killing of anyone who would cross their path. There was even a story that he had his wife killed then embalmed in honey and then he continued to have sex with her. Previously these stories would have made me think, ok, people are mad. But now - they make me feel nausea. A disgust. Perhaps that is what it is - the disgust. The wholesale disgust towards everyone right now with the entire mess they have created and then continued with the self preservation. Trump, Johnson,...

Yesterday I couldn't sleep. It was the moon probably. Or just so many things on my mind. Trying to gain focus again and again and again. slipping and falling slipping and missing, like a climber on a frozen waterfall. I don't do well with cold places either. Or things that require upper body strength. I am just worn out of trying and trying and trying.  At 1 am I ended up tidying the cupboards while listening to a podcast of someone asking why the death rate amongst the elderly has increased so much since the vaccine has been given. Looking at charts. I tidied for around an hour, the spice cupboard, the fridge, the pantry. Taking and cleaning things out. I have no more appetite. That's when I know I'm not feeling great. I just don't want to eat. Maybe this will last for a few days. It won't hurt me not eating a few days.  Then feeling better, like I had achieved something, I went back to bed and wrote in my journal where I write what I REALLY think and feel. And...

I need to go for a run and I know I will be happy after I have done it. But I also know that I need to clean the house and I will also be happy after I have done it. Possibly even happier. It is not dirty, but it does need its weekly hoover and I do need to straighten things out. But I am also feeling very sad, possibly because of the bloody full moon. I feel absolutely desperately melancholic like I could cry for no reason. That said I have many reasons to cry. None of them life shattering, some of them valid. But really, I am not sad enough on any of these points to cry. But REALLY. I should clean the house. I would feel so amazing if I did. It would only take me two hours to sort things out. Less probably. Which then leaves me an hour to go about sorting other things like... everything else. OK. I'm gonna do that. I'm going to clean the house. Back in two hours. So, I did tidy up but no hoover. But I am going to bed now to do some reading and just take a little bit to think ...

So, having done online learning for a significant period of time I can now tell you it is a really really REALLY stupid idea. However, since I wrote this, I went for a run. It was awesome. Once again feeling my lung inflating with air and finally getting into my dreaded running gear again. I have to say it is strange. I began running again exactly a month ago. Ran for two weeks and then didn't run for three. So. There you go. Weird.  BUT I am determined that I will continue running this time round. As I ran everything came back to me. I was reminded of all the things I had been doing before school began and I get depressed. Well that's it - school happened. After school happened it was readjusting time once more. And as I readjusted, it was a nightmare - a nightmare. The nightmare of trying to get children to do work at home. It is mental. Mental. And to chase them. I don't know HOW the FUCK we are supposed to do this at all. We can't it is not possible. It is mad. Wher...

This is the last week of January. Yesterday I got some of my mojo back. I completed the drawing of February and am now able to move on to March which has to be the salmon of knowledge and the constellation of Pisces. I thought I could do the constellation using the nine hazel nuts of wisdom. Can't there are more than 9 stars in the constellation. Well I will just keep going and see what I can find. I realise I have been defeated. Or rather I have been proven wrong by the crowds. It's ok. If people want to just be mesmerised by what's going on they can do that. I will just keep burrowing in my little cocoon. I don't care anymore. It's ok. I will just keep creating beauty and reading and writing and dreaming. And sanity - sanity on a collective level is for another life. I understand this now. I will just have to exist as best I can between the cracks. Try and see what tomorrow brings. From today onwards I will only work the hours which I owe the school. I will record...

I don't have the energy, the wherewithal to take hold of these days, these drifting days. It is all too too easy to let them go - float one day at a time - each day a meaningless passing, each day something which is marked by the fleeing of the sun. Disbelief is now too easy. I am tired. I am fed up. I am annoyed. I am tired, fed up and annoyed by how shallow and facile people are. How they cannot see beyond the maya. How they are so easy fooled, so easily taken in. How they are relieved about the most stupid things. How people cannot see the real point of things. So, instead of being sad about this, I need to focus on me seeing and doing and liking what I want. Creating what I want. And increasingly I am seen as eccentric or on the wrong side of history. Do I care? No. No I do not care. No I do not want to bow to any pressure. By nature I am both cautious but also certain. I act once I am certain. Before that I do not. And so, today I now enter the new incarnation. I know a few th...

Went food shopping with the boys yesterday and cooked two meals - both Italian. One carbonara using stuff in the kitchen and the other, lasagna. It is a strange time. I have tried to stop thinking about things. It is useless to rely on anyone else apart from those closest around you to keep you sane.  I must start running again. There are no two ways about it. Do this and then go for my run. No ifs and buts. To compound things, there is now flooding in some parts of England. Why do people still live next to rivers? It is mental. I know we live near a lough but we live quite high up. That said... well, there is a river nearby. Holywood must have a source of fresh water because it has been lived in since forever. The Priory must be near a river. I think there is a river in Holywood... there must be. What else? It has been so long since I have written. I must start again. But there is just so much to do by way of work and on the computer. I must take charge of that today. The routine ...

It is true, nothing really matters, so we might as well care about something. For me, it is the boys, always has been, 100 per cent. It is not because I don't want them to leave, quite the opposite, it is so that I will be ready when they leave because I will be able to say I have done everything I can for them. I must go running. I haven't been able to do that for two weeks. First, it was just feeling blah and now it is I have gotten out of the habit of it. While I did it though I felt great. I love running in the dark, when no one is around. It is a quiet, sacred experience, like sitting in a cathedral with no one around - just me and my God. Do I believe in God? Yes, yes I do. I believe in a sacred, a beauty, something ineffable which looks out for me. I do not believe that the world is a cold comfortless place. Why? Because it isn't. And I know it isn't because I have been held and loved by it. We create godhead between ourselves. We create god in our consciousness,...

I will spend the next three days sorting emails and filing things. It is a quiet time so I will make the most of this time to do this. And mail Ruth's letter. 

Really, what are we to do with politicians. How completely and utterly useless are they? How did they end up shepherding all of us into this stupid neoliberal nightmare we are living in and are now incapable of leaving behind to live a sane life? The waste, the sheer waste, and the pointlessness of life. Well, life is not going to be pointless for me. Nope. I must now, with metaphorical pick axes claw my way to the top of the frozen waterfall. I did manage to clean the house today - the hoovered and did the laundry and washed everything. It was so so so nice to get everything done. Ready for the boys which are coming tomorrow.  I was down at Helen's Bay yesterday and I had never seen so many people swimming here in my life - even in the summer. It seems like it is a thing now - swimming in the winter. The cold is supposed to be good for you. I don't understand it myself, i'm sure it is true. I'm sure it is the same shock which I have, the same high, when I go running in...

Well another week has gone by. There is a kind of wonderful peace which permeates through the house when the boys aren't here. It is just me with low level lighting and music. I have had a hot shower and made a small salad. A cup of tea stands beside me, papers are scattered all over the table - books, scribbled words in Irish, bills... it is a time of messy industry. The boys will be back on Monday. I miss them so much when they aren't here but there is enough to be done really. Enough to be getting on with. I have just finished Dark - a wonderful TV series about time travel but more really about the consequences of our actions.  =============================== It is the next day. I was feeling not great last night. Maybe too much of the creme burlee. I finished the rest of the bowl over the last week. It was very good. Like ice cream which had been cooked instead of frozen. The week has passed. I hate hate hate this. I hate this. I just find it impossible. I feel so fed up an...

Yesterday the boys returned and I made kim chee and poori and a dhall curry - just using up things in the larder. It is amazing what you can come up with with very little. Why do people have to overcomplicate things all the time? This reminds me, I am meeting Lisa in Delamont Park later on.  And Ghin is working at Heidi's. I wonder if he will anything to stock up on? Maybe not... Surely the whole point of life is for things to become simpler, rather than more complicated. If i ever have any advise for my younger self it will be to keep things simple - all the time. Make the simplest decision. I wonder about all the complicated things I used to have with my life - why, why was it so complicated? Having detached from Peter things ARE so much simpler. So much more straightforward.  Right, I have to think about today and what we will do. Well, I want to express the deepest gratitude to everything in my life... me in 2014... that was soooo long ago... Can't believe how much I have ...

I spent most of the last hour cleaning up - sorting out laundry and folding socks... yes back to porridge. I still have to hoover the place and clean the toilets. So there are a few things I HAVE to do - some post and definitely the continuing of the planning for the lessons which is ok cos I know what I'm doing. I feel so awful though for the children. It's so unfair. So unfair. But I just need to get on it. But for some reason all I want to do is just not to a lot. Even though there is so much. It's so bad. Well I just sat on the sofa after a day of organising and watched Dark and German mini series about time travel. It was mildly interesting. Kinda the German version of Stranger Things. With teenagers, not tweenagers, and incest and mentalism. So no the WORST thing about the alt right it appears that shamanism and mysticism and mythology will now be used to beat people over the head with. I'm so fucking sick and tired of this. I really never thought we would end up ...

Well I did kinda call it on America. I did say the end of this would be civil war. Not just because of Trump, but because of the pandemic. The mess which they are in is ENTIRELY of their own making. The annoying thing about America is that they kinda could have had it all. But no.... No a few assholes, once again ruining it for everyone. Watched Dark Waters and Official Secrets - it was instructive the corruption of the state. The thing is I don't understand is how come people don't care? And how come they don't realise that this is a bad thing for them because creates a serious imbalance in power? It doesn't make any sense.  It is coming though, I can feel it. The tsunami. As surely as night follows day. Unless there is a redressing of the problem - previously I was, yeah this is bad... nothing is being done... how will it end? Is no one going to do anything about it?  So those who are responsible for it are now blaming each other for the mess. Mostly they are blaming ...

When I signed up to teach as a Steiner teachers... I learned many things - not least the existence of the four bodies. The need to do, feel and think. And that the sensory world was very important. It was how we related to the world around us. Everything I did made sure that the children received as much as they could. Cooking, going out, enjoying the world around them so that they never lost hope and that they would contribute to it with their own knowing - their own destinies. That was the purpose. To see someone moved by passion. I reject the naysayers who say that you shouldn't follow your passions - that it is ok to end up as a dead eyed fish in a job you detest and only do it because you need the paycheck. That is the road to perdition.  Anyhow, I am not a Luddite. I helped the Singaporean government build its first website and put its press releases online. Even before there was an internet. It is ludicrous.  Whatever I do MUST be to put the well being of the children f...

I am just about done with this stupid form of doing anything. Honestly I've had enough. Pretending to be doing things when really, nothing is being done. This manufacturing of a crisis because they don't want to solve the real one: neoliberalism.  Capitol Hill was stormed by Trump supporters. It is interesting cos after years of looking down at them they have proved that the dispossession and the prejudice and the clever clever, well that's just not gonna wash anymore. We had Brexit they now have... armed violence. Will we have armed violence too? No, we have no guns, so we will be ok. And it pisses me off when they say it is white privilege. It is not white privilege. It is a kind of laziness, making the person the other. It is people who have been derided and made fun of and neglected. It is gonna get worse because there is no unity candidate. Biden can't be that. Trump made use of the bile and resentment. Actually I don't care anymore. What happens in the US will...

So we continue here...why Atlantis? Remember why?  As I write about Atlantis it becomes more and more real on paper, I find it becoming less and less of a THING for me - preoccupying me. I find that I'm not longing for it. I find that there is something which is being exorcised. An itch which is being scratched. That the ghosts are being assuaged, satisfied. We are leaving Atlantis behind. I am leaving behind. It's good for me.  Where was I? Yes, Darshan sees the Annunaki ship falling. The most important thing about the Atlantis story is not to just bash it out - that is the second most important thing, but it must also have a ring of truth about it. It must have this sense of the world which I want out there, not just nonsensical depictions of the God and Atlantis. It has to touch on the mysteries and try to address itself to them in the very least. The itch is not scratched by randomly thrashing about telling a superficial story. That is important. So, I must now turn my att...

My routine is wake up, get the coffee made, and while Im doing that, to check facebook. That should take no longer than fifteen minutes. Then all the writing for the day. After that, run. Then get ready for school. Breakfast, birdfood, put any laundry on. School. After that, lunch. Then Forest School. any Forest School things, and Admin. Then housework. Dinner and the evening school prep followed by drawing, art, piano, whatever BEFORE I settle into bed to read. The book I am reading is Herod the Great. It is so well written. Written in a way books are no longer written. Beautiful. You can feel how precious the words are. Like the author still believed he was doing something magical and beautiful with the words. And that he had been to these places when travelling was still a difficult thing to do. The book is a distillation the way nothing is a distillation anymore. Now all these things are cheap. Readily available. Went for a walk with Zoe yesterday. I must now think of the things I ...

After the crazy, a strange peace has descended on me. I'm more or less accepting of the mess of a corner which people have painted themselves into. I'm just like yeah, whatever you want, but you know I'm not going to do the crazy. They want the entire week's worth of work online on Monday. Sure, fine. They want me to zoom, ok, whatever. I can't be bothered to argue anymore. IN THE MEANTIME. Today I got the garage cleaned up and the laundry done, again. Ah laundry, the wheel of samsara turns.  And I can try and think about tonight, the 12th night - or is it tomorrow? Does it matter? I'm beginning to think these things don't matter anymore? I have figured it out. It is easy. Honestly, there is no big secret. Just be good to people and be kind to yourself. Everything else is whatever. Enjoy life for a long as you can and make the most of it. It is nice to feel the strange peace. It is good. The boys have been with me since Saturday and it feels so nice. A littl...

Holy Night 12 – 2021 January 4-5 – Sagittarius: GRACE: SEEING THE BEST IN ALL During the 12th night the crowns won are placed at the feet of the divine, because we have struggled against ourselves, but what we have wrung from it is grace, is the law of the spirit. Because grace is a stream from a source that a human being cannot reach with human power. Now is the start and end of a spaceless time – timeless space. Now everything is eternal and holy! Sagittarius’ power striving towards the goal must be directed in this way, so that it can take up the spiritual Good it receives. We must now take on into our lives what we have recognized and received in the twelve holy nights, and spiritualise matter and the soul. ------------------------------------------------ The last three days have indeed been the night of the crown - the struggle has been real. That is all I will say. The rest I want to say is about the doing something even if there is no magic in it. I have to just keep trucking. K...

I had to think a lot about Mu. Also I didn't have coffee yesterday. Which I didn't realise I was addicted to. But yes. Mu. I see Mu. It is located in what is now known as Indonesia. It is made mostly of stone and is matriarchal. It is warm and beautiful and calm and extends into the Pacific Ocean. The aesthetic is the aesthetic of the Balinese and Cambodians. The art of South East Asia and its syncretic beauty. It is warm and calm and gentle. It has no defense capability because it needs none. It has developed a highly sophisticated culture of forgiveness and tolerance. But it is dying, tottering, but everyone accepts that. They are learning from the Atlanteans and they are enjoying it. An equal society which has used technology in a benign way.  That is Mu. ================================== It is impossible to not see it as a dream, a bedtime story. Impossible to not think it was not real. Darshan has not the words. Mu is no longer. To be fair, Mu was already dying. The peopl...

Holy Night 11 – 2021 January 3-4 – Scorpio: LEAP OF FAITH: DEVELOP INTUITION The eleventh night: the struggle with the Guardian of the Threshold. Mystery: building up the Grail Castle in ourselves. Confessing ourselves more and more in faithfulness to the highest! Rudolf Steiner’s indications for the Holy Nights given to Herbert Hahn Eleventh Contemplation: Kristina Kaine We have work to do. This is our great challenge; what is the work, and how do we do it? Put simply, the work is to experience the presence of Christ within us as we have been considering through these Holy Nights. Rudolf Steiner gives many insights into how this might be achieved. “The Christ Impulse, however, is an impulse of freedom; its true activity does not reveal itself when it takes place outside the human soul. The true working of the Christ Impulse does not appear until it takes place within the individual human soul itself.” 15th May, 1910 Much of what he hear about Christ in the world today is the antithesi...

Holy Night 10 – 2021 January 2-3 – Libra: TRANSFORMATION: CLEAR SEEING/DECIDING The night in which the greatest sacrifice grows from service: learning to listen to the inner voice and the signs of divinity, and to hear them obediently. Mystery: the voice calling in us through our various incarnations. Its clarity grows through sacrifice and decision. Tenth Contemplation: Kristina Kaine As we live on this material earth it is important that we learn to recognize signs of divinity. Divinity is the expression of the Divine Being that underpins all creation, and as humanity has changed over eons, so has the expression of this Divine Being. In his Anthroposophical Leading Thoughts, written towards the end of his life, Rudolf Steiner spoke clearly about this Being. “The Divine Being which will thus shine forth through Humanity will no longer be the same Divine Being which was once the Cosmos. In its passage through Humanity, the Divine-Spiritual will come to a realization of Being which ...