Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

It has been a strange day. We were supposed to be at the Quarries but instead I got to clean the house. Do the laundry. Watch TV. Be horizontal for a bit. Don't know what is happening with Ghin. He is pulling away. I understand. He is 14 going on 15. He is supposed to. I celebrate that. My baby is becoming a young man. It is inevitable. It was supposed to happen.  There is now panic buying of fuel in England and Wales. In Northern Ireland no one seems very bothered. The English have been royally screwed over by the Conservatives. Well buy Boris Johnson specifically. How these people sleep at night is pretty impressive. They must have no conscience or no idea. So they are either incredibly evil or remarkably stupid. Either way it is not a good look for a government.  I long ago chose to not go down that route. It was already back then completely devoid of ideas beyond 'make more money'. It began with my questioning religion, then the educational system, then the economic sys...

I do not want to diminish the hell I have been through in the past year and even the past week. But I also do not ever want to be the victim. I was chatting to a friend and saying a super un PC thing about people claiming to be victims - I have had enough of it. At some point you have got to get on with life. I know it is tough but I think of the Vietnamese and I also think of the people whom we will never get apologies from. Acknowledgement and apology and there is no point in belabouring the pain. Instead, just get on with life. Just get on with it. As Padraig Pearse said, our revenge will be the laughter of our children. I don't think of it as revenge, I think of it as liberation. Now that everything has changed once more, I am still getting used to everything. I need to focus my head and get my head round everything. But like i said, I don't want to diminish the suffering I have been through. I know nothing compared to say the people of Syria or Gaza, but at the same time t...

Today is going to be all about Elements. I will not leave this table until I have sorted everything I need out.

Contentment Being content. Seeing. Being. Living. Accepting Responsibility Caring Humility Gentleness Boundaries Protection Courage Delight Play So much has been given to us.  Appreciation Gratitude All these are more Grace Generosity Seeing

Perhaps there is nothing left to be said. Perhaps there is nothing which I need to record any longer. Perhaps this blog should be put to rest. It has run out of time. I began this when Ghin was born. He is now 14. I keep this up because... because... because I just feel I must. But why must I? It was started as a way to help Ma and Pa keep in touch with us. I'd post photos of the boys and collect thoughts. But then Facetime did away with that need. So I just kept up with it out of habit but lately what I have to say cannot be said publicly. I put it in my journals or I just hide it. But maybe this blog is about finding home. Maybe it is about returning to the place of origin. It has been a long road with the boys. A long hard road. All the time I have held on to the wonderful and the magical. Trips we took to Ballycastle or Bintan. The smallest things. My love for my darling sons carrying me every step of the way. I ask nothing of them in return. In fact... I love them wholehearted...

Yesterday was beautiful. Ghin and I had breakfast and then went for a walk along the Holywood seafront. It was misty and cool. Breakfast was the Bay Tree and the walk was peaceful and calm. It was a delight walking with Ghin. Poor Ghin. He accidentally broke up with his girlfriend. He seems to be taking it alright. He misses her but he is holding up well. I'm trying to be there for him. I hope that he knows that it will be alright. After that we got home and watched Community. Well I did. He played on the Xbox. It has been a horrible horrible week, but that has passed. Of course every week some new fresh horror will be unleashed, but we do what we can to ignore it. The word evil was used by three different people - well, more than three. But evil is what it is. Evil and jealousy and the refusal to accept responsibility and consequences. I cannot believe that I lived this for so long. I have lived to tell the tale. I am now officially bored. Bored of this whole saga.   Yesterda...

So, here it is finally, four entries later. Blake is right. Joys impregnate, sorrows bring forth. I have decided to keep the entries which I vent as drafts instead of deleting them... so four entries later. Here we are.

Another another draft. I have written two drafts now. This is the third one. This one I keep. This one is the face of my blog. It has been nothing short of wonderful to have everything in one place once more. Last night Ghin and I watched Travels with My Father and then we had a burger for dinner. Things are small and simple. I like them like that.  I must return to the night of the Blue Moon and what it meant for me.  The balance must be kept and the balance was right for me. All of those things inspired me and made me the person I am. I will absolutely keep them and not lose faith in them. Absolutely not. So I have taken today off because I need to address a few things with Kelly. But other than that today is about regaining that foothold. It is always like that. Always. Everything to knock me off balance. Why do people do that? Why? Well... mostly because they don't have their own lives and cannot bear seeing other people get on with theirs. It is simple. The impoverishment...

In many ways it was the worst thing that could have happened. But the worst thing has happened and now he no longer has any control over me. I have eluded the grasp. I have slipped through, like a fish. I am gone. Away towards the sea. Or in the shallows where the water is warm, the water humming with life.  I am away. I have found another place to be. A sanctuary. Oh the revolting reappearance of J as well. Ugh. That was disgusting. I am so glad I didn't fall for that either. Leave me alone. Leave us alone. I no longer want any of that. Go away. I will miss Barnetts Road. Barnetts Road and the tree and the little back garden and how handy it was. I will miss it. How Stormont was literally just up the road and how the Comber Greenway was in our backyard. How the Glider came just outside our door. How there was a Spar nearby. It was a lovely place. I will miss it so much. But it will be a place for a new family. A new person will come to live in it and perhaps have better luck than ...

Everything is now in one place. My life which had been spread over two places is now in one place. It feels good. I can now spend the rest of my life shaping my life again. It has never felt better. I also feel better now that I understand the motivations behind it. I understand now the reason it was done and the cynical - always cynical - behaviour which has motivated him. It is fine. I think about the late 90s when I arrived. Derry was still very much - in fact it still very much is - a city which had never recovered from the Troubles. It derives so much of its being from the Troubles. In many ways it is a remarkable place and I love it very much. But - that was always coming - the entitlement to this pain, that is what characterises so many there. Like no one has suffered as much as they have suffered and everyone is to blame. The victimisation and refusal to take responsibility for any of the behaviour to blame it on someone else - it could be the British Army, it could be the Loya...

Today is a red letter day. I moved everything that was mine into the house. Everything. It is now all here. And it is awesome.  I am elated. I am delighted. I am now free. It took me forever but now it is done and it is wonderful. I am walking on air. 

I now do my lesson prep on the computer. I find it easier. So I have to print out my lesson plan. This is good because it makes sure the printer is working at all times. I am happy about this. I spent most of the evening sorting out the elements autumn courses. Tomorrow I will create three different visuals for them. It has felt like a good productive weekend. This Tuesday I will be bringing the piano here. I CAN'T WAIT. Ghin has been just so lovely to me. There is a sweetness in his demeanor which is so comforting and healing. I miss Oisín terribly of course, but having Ghin here... well that's alright. This week is going to be another super busy one. They are all super busy, all the time. Right... I'll get up at 4 and sort out the three visuals. Or if not the visuals then an Oiche Shmana and Santa Glas. It's so cool knowing the Irish. It really really is. 

It has been a weird weekend. Just not being able to do anything. Watched all of Lucifer and then watched the rest of a Few Good Men. I know why they rebooted the Matrix - mostly because there is a new film coming out about it. Are there any films that don't rehash something which has already been done? I know how hard we had to work in the past in order to create something new. To stand at a new frontier.  Perhaps I was born at the wrong time. The in between time... The only system which we are now enslaved by is the neoliberal capitalist nexus. This has always been the project of the right-left. Both models based on economic progress, or at least the illusion of it, the left has now settled for identity politics and the right for fighting for freedom of speech. The left confused has now become conflated with communism - i.e. you can't say that - and the right for old fashioned freedoms. Stuck in the middle - or rather spinning in the nether sphere is me - out there.  Just baf...

There is something about showing up on the page and doing your best. I was feeling very blah yesterday and this carried on to the morning. Then I managed to get my act together by writing. There are three things I can do which are simple and which always make me feel better - write, run and tidy up. But when I have no energy to do them, it makes it difficult. I must get let the routine carry me. Today is going to be a chilled day. At school. We will learn about the number five, pick some apples, I will need to get some flour. Oh I forgot to ask Heidi about the cost of flour, and then I am saying goodbye to Oisín. He is really on his way to being independent as a young man. I did well there. He loves engaging with people, he is really good at his work, and he has a great relationship. I'd like to think that despite the madness I went through with Peter, I have never displaced my disappointment, sorrow and pain on them. I have attempted to keep them looked after. Shielded from the ma...

It was a beautiful day yesterday. 

It is so difficult now admitting doubt and mistakes. In the shiny fake world of social media it is not longer the stiff upper lip but the rabid manic botoxed one. The no wrinkles. The face for the camera. No longer are we a mobile living being but a Max Headroom bot which is supposed to give some kind of number out happy vibe which tells people who they have to aspire to. I want to give up. I'm done for. The entire Covid debate is now becoming even more polarised. As we move through the metal states of anguish and annoyance, fear and anger, we now arrive at... madness. Here we are, at madness. I'm hoping it does all blow over soon. Just standing firm. The cracks are beginning to show in the establishment's facade. The first being the JCVI saying that children between 12 and 15 are not recommended to get the vaccine. Now the media are putting intense pressure for the decision to be changed. All objectivity has fallen through the floor. How can they be so sure that's what...

Every day it is like wading through treacle. Mountains to climb. But at last, almost everything has been moved out of the house. I have a few boxes to go before the furniture comes in. Table, shelf, etc. Small items... piano not so small item. I wanted to move everything else in first so that it wouldn't be a massive mess when it came to. I've started to decide which shelves go where. I am going to get them custom made.  So far Bedroom - All my journals. I have three decades worth of them. Amazing! Landing - Fiction  Games room - Art, Gardening, DIY and cook books Study - Steiner books, source books I am going to create two places for work - one in the Games Room and one in the Study. So Ghin can use either one of these spaces. He can also use the Dining Table. But i'm getting away from the Dining Table. I find this space quite dark and cold. Which it is. Talking to Oisín yesterday made me realised how lucky I was.  Several other things... did the hoovering! Yay! Always g...

Today I am going to get my things out of the attic and then completely finish off the website and forms today. It will be a day on computers. Sigh. I hate computers. Ugh. Still the website is looking great. And I'm just gonna have to get going. Although apparently the boys will be home soon. Still. Get going. 

 BEST WEEK EVER!!! OK HALF WEEK Having struggled with my last class I see now... it has been nothing short of amazing being with this one. When I come home I want to do the lesson plan for the next day. And I want to do Forest School. Everything is feeding into each other. It is nothing short of perfect. Perfect for me. I hope that everyone else is having a great time too. Instead of feeling miserable and stressed I am energised and happy. 

The days pass swiftly. They are both stressful and rewarding. I love teaching. I really love it and this time round I feel so much more relaxed. It feels like I finally understand Steiner education. Perhaps I will have hell to pay for later on, who knows? but for now I am thoroughly enjoying myself. And I hope the kids are the same. Got the books out of the boot finally and today i'll head down too Ballymenoch and Grange Primary. It has been a mad time. Really mad. OK, I'm going now. It seems this year has filled my head with cotton wool. It is as if I can't think properly. I don't know why that is. Well it is what it is. I just regret that I could not follow my instincts as a human being the last time and was just made to feel like I had to be strict and give the children too many boundaries. Well it is not happening again. I finally figured out the strange jealousy of people as well. Ma is right. When people are jealous they are mean. They are mean and ugly and ridicu...

The mistakes I have learned. That I will make new mistakes. I will always make new mistakes. I can only hope to be a better teacher through trial and error. That is all I can hope for. I certainly would never ever again do what I did at the very start. Be made so terrified by the teacher trainer that I ended up feeling that I had to deliver. Steiner education is supposed to be a living breathing organism not something wrapped up in procedures and protocols. It was terrible. Terrible what I did. I can see that now. I will never do that again. Never.  I am so angry and annoyed but I must forgive myself. And feel that I did not know better. I still thought I was doing good. I really did. I can only hope that those children are able to forgive me. So, what am I doing that is different? I am breathing. I am letting the children breathe. I am letting them communicate to me. And that is everything. Everything. I am so happy though. Really happy.  For the first time I feel like I am d...

Class One, Day One. Pink is the colour of Class One. Hence all the pink. It has been very busy here the past three weeks and yesterday I wrote several poems and a story for the Number One. I think I am going to go slowly over the next few days. Just to give them time to settle. It is unnerving really. But I know the class and I know what to expect. Fingers very crossed then. Ghin is going to be back in school and I wonder how he feels about it. I'm really nervous. Can't eat. I don't know what to expect in some ways. But we can only do our best.  Right. Gonna have to start looking at a few things here. Loads to do when I get back today. Gotta order flour and all. Need to ask Kindergarten what their order for flour, sugar and yeast was. Or ask Heidi. Loads and loads to do.