Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

The last forest school session of the year. It has been crazy. Well I have been trying to keep up. Heading to bath now and then just chilling for the rest of the evening. Putting everything in my journal.

Reading glasses! First load of laundry in.  The birds are feeding on this cold dry biting day. Winter has arrived and it has not been too bad yet. It is less than a month to go before the shortest day of the year and it seems ok for now. Three weeks to go and then the light returns once more. That's ok isn't it? I love these evenings. The season of the hag Emma calls it. I haven' traveled very far this year and I do not miss not travelling. It has been one of the delights of the virus that we don't have to travel. I do not miss not having been to Dublin nor Asia nor anywhere really. I do miss seeing Ma and Pa and Singapore but these days Singapore isn't even Singapore. Everything aboutb the virus has been baffling. There is now a new variant - the Omicron it is called. Why did they choose to name it so stupidly? They could have chosen any other name and no reporter asked this. Were there other variants between it? It's mental. Nothing makes sense.  So here I am....

It is Sunday again. I was watching it video about the plastic surgery that Madonna had gotten. I felt so sorry for her. She recently was on social media having done what could only be described as a soft porn shoot. Why she chose to do this, is anyone's guess. Possibly because she still wanted to prove she was young. What she could rock it with the best of them young women up there. She was doing workouts and push ups and baring nearly all. Why would you continue to push that line when you could be pushing another line? Another line which is about the accumulated wisdom obtained... and also being a front runner for beauty and health in seniority? She has an opportunity to once more be a role model for women the way she was when she was in her 20s and 30s... and now... now... even her 40s. Now she has just sold out completely. I don't know.  She is now a cautionary tale. A woman who has ostensibly had a nervous breakdown in public and is now still trying to be the centre of atte...

Yesterday was once again an amazing evening by the fire. I share the story of Daedelus and Icarus and we finished Beauty and the Beast. It has been a rather wonderful time of it all. And now as December and January approach we are going to get the Forest School house in order. Everyone is falling likfe flies around me. People getting ill - Covid apparently and other wonderful illnesses. There is now no more cold and flu. Just Covid. And it does not stop you from getting Covid the vaccine. Everyone who has been ill so far has had the vaccine. And some people have even been ill since the vaccine. I say nothing. I just get my bit done and I get out. I am taking Ruth's class today. We are heading out to do skipping and Maths. And then it is the prophets. Samuel - is the last priest possibly. The one who crowns David. I must gen up on him now.

I love it when I adult. I love doing it but the feeling after it is hard to beat. Like yesterday I sorted out everything to do with the car. The car tax, the insurance, the MOT - and the servicing is done for the year. It costs about £1,800 to keep the show on the road but I love my car and I would never do without it. I adore my car. And I know it adores me back.  Anyhoo so that's done for the year. The biggest expense apart from rates and I managed it on my own this year. No that's not true I also paid for the estate agent's fee for the house to go on sale. It has been a thoughtful time for everyone. Now it is mad - the whole covid thing. Everyone is now in mass hypnosis state. Between the vaccines and the PCR tests which are a load of bollocks. I know why it is that the more educated, the left have become cast under the spell - it is because they are no longer the skeptics. They are now functioning like people who refuse to be class traitors. They cannot betray the syste...

As i catch up with things, I feel I can plan once more. Rationally and logically plan.  Right here we go... Priorities All Admin relating to Divorce, Forest School and Car. Everyday I must do this for a few hours...  But also I can spin and I am now writing again and music - piano playing has entered my life once more. Everyone should learn how to play music. I must write to Ruth.

I had to do it, reach 300. It has been sporadic and spotty. Kelly has been so good to me.  When i think of the people in my life who have been good to me... it literally hurts that I have not been better. Literally hurts. All my huge expenditure for the year is at its end now. I'm so relieved. Right... Just one more push. And then we are done. Ugh this is the worst part, hands down. But I'm just gonna have to woman up and do it.  A friend recently said she wanted to do a blog about us. Six woman around the world who have stories to tell to inspire other women. But these struggles are so private I don't even write these in my own blog - the most private ones which mostly involve other people. Anyhoo... I should call Ma and then make Ghin's lunch. I don't know what we should do re Forest School today.... Matthew can cook. I will supervise... I think they want to play hunt and we try the trail thing again. Yeah. This time with more direction. Or maybe we do orienteerin...

It is difficult to conceive the beautiful existence which we have. That we are alive on planet Earth should be enough for everyone. I remember when I first felt that way. I was probably around 5. We were sitting in the park just in front of the flats we lived it. It was evening. There was a cool breeze and the casurina trees were swaying above us. I was playing the game fixed or broken with my mother while we waited for my father to come home. The pure joy that lived in my father's face when he saw me has never been bettered. I started to spin around and round the way children spin and suddenly all the tree tops and the skies and clouds and the air rushed in, streaking abovehead and they all very briefly were one. I did this over and over again, getting dizzy and letting the dizzy go. It was exhilirating. This was what it meant to be alive. There are moments like that all the time. Like last night when I went out to look for my phone. I saw Orion rising in the skies with the Moon a...

VICTORY. Managed to open the washing machine door!!! Amazing. I feel so clever even though I only had to follow youtube instructions. I do love tech sometimes. This info at fingertips malarky I can go in for. I also sorted out the bird feeding station - somehow I now have five bird feeders and one birdbath. Also, I continued to clear the garage and got the car cleared too. Then I cleaned the house am now doing laundry and the next thing to do is organise this table and get the admin sorted. I feel most clever now. And quite sleepy. I collect Ghin from Cash's and everyone had a wonderful time it would seem. These boys are growing up and older and they are such adorable young men. Right must go and let the last of the things from the house.

The only thing left to do is finish the laundry and hoover the house. This will take a lot less time than I thought it would, as usual.  I got up at 4 am and had the rest of the lamb chop. Then I fell asleep again until woken by my mom at 7 am. Calling from Singapore by Facetime. It is a miracle that we can do this now. I was looking at Zark Fuckerberg's Metaverse and saw how it could appeal to people who already are outside reality. I think of the people who have spent the last twenty years knowing a digital life and now being able to dress up as avatars and cartoons... I wish they would because this would mean that they would leave everyone else alone. All people fuck off to the moon or some other place and leave us alone. Hooray.  It has been very busy and this is a moment of stoppage. It hasn't even been an hour since I began cleaning the house... it's mental. But I did it. So... now hoovering and then I'll do the bins and then do some gardening before I head out to...

There are so many paths upon which we must walk. Yesterday my class was completely adorable. I must remember this when we are in the teeth of the crazy and it feels like madness. I disagree with Ciaran that Class 10 are having a hard time. I think they are ok. And I also think that they will be fine.  And also, I think that we will all be fine. And I don't know why they did that horrible vinyl idea for the hall. It looks absolutely awful. But sure what can you do. I need to fight the right battles. I am so angry about the books in the library. Philistines. Philistines all.

This card is wrong. I have sat too long with my Grief. I do not need to mourn it. I have mourned enough. It is here to tell my me grief is over.  It happened yesterday when I realised that I was passing out of the sphere of these influences. I no longer had to do this - no longer had to think about these things. I was completely done with that part of my life. Liberation is not the right word for it. I am trying to think of the right word. Sometimes words escape me. I feel I lose them - probably due to my old age. I hear it can do that to you. Who knows what the next years bring but for now, this November it is a sweet spot in my life. And I want to acknowledge that. Life does not get better than this. Working honestly, with my hands, to bring life and love into this world. People can keep their high paying jobs. I want a job that means something. Not a bull shit job, not a status job, not a job which means that you have to compromise anything... of course everything is a compromis...

With inquiring mind, I tried on my North Face trousers. The ones I bought more than ten years ago. Well ten years ago exactly actually. In Singapore. And they fitted perfectly. They were comfortable and they were the same fit which I had when I left for Harapan. Ten years ago. It seems like no time at all. But it also now does mean that I am heading in the right direction as far as my body is concerned. (Oh the coffee ad has stopped but not the stupid watch ad. I think that maybe the weight loss ads will start again. The AI is quite stupid.) So I will wear my outdoor trousers again, for the first time in years. Literally. Maybe not years, maybe year. I think I did manage to fit them last year. HOWEVER, the point being that I have lost weight without trying to lose weight. Just by looking after myself and not even having to diet. The Halloween week was punishing and grueling - that really set me up. And it hasn't really stopped. Between Forest School and Steiner School, between clea...

It was tough waking up today. Tough. It felt like the end of the week instead of the beginning. I just lay on in bed still so much of sleep in me. I was thinking of mica - those flakes I would find in the sand in Malaysia or Singapore. Thin pieces, like a nail, translucent. Easily broken. I felt like mice. Or I thought of the edge of an oyster's many layers, that - THAT. I must have coffee in the morning. It is the one thing that helps the day to begin. It feels like the day is set, a gem in a clasp. Ready to be worn. I am trying to manage too many things. Now that I am no longer tethered to an absolute, to a commitment I am now lose, I am free form. I have let it go. And I have let go too much. After twenty years of complete giving - a life which is composed of Herculean sacrifice and effort - having done everything on my own, here I stand. At a crossroads, as Hecate suggests. I felt good last week but I can feel the Full Moon starting to knock me for six again. It will be fine. I...

Well I did it. I cleaned the house today - and the laundry. I am dead. Exhausted and I did it. Waiting for Ghin to come back from his dinner with Peter. It was tough today really. But I did it. I sat on the sofa watching Black Mirror feeling how depressing it is that it has really been prophetic. I recall watching how unlikely these things were and now they have come to pass. Charlie Booker is clearly a genius.

I am so bored with Covid. So fucking bored with it. I'm hoping it will be over in the nest three months - the stupidity. If I ever have to hear the word vaccinated again.  There is a super stupid ad which is on YouTube which I'm target for - which involves some stupid watch which can measure the speed of your serve. So fucking bored. I'm hoping this will stop the Ad. Also another stupid ad about coffee helping you lose weight. I have literally not clicked on ANY of these ads for YEARS. Completely useless. Lockdowns are so stupid. Today was wonderful - at the Quarries. Emma is amazing. She is such a craftsperson. I am just astounded at how good she is. I really hope her craft dreams take off. I will help her as much as possible. I really will.  What else is there?  This week was very special. This week something happened. I went through the eye of the needle. Monday was tough but then, I shook it off and when we shake things off we become stronger. Last night Oisin spoke t...

I have returned to not drinking during the week. It's great. I feel great. I have got the car repaired. Today I will get the car insured. Yay!!! I feel v adult. Jac told me about the vaccine mandate in Singapore. That the government will stop paying for medical bills and there by force elderly people to get vaccinated. It is complete bullshit. Honestly I'd rather not live in a society like this than continue with this crap. People are insane. They are now LITERALLY insane. They are now on autopilot. Like I am going to trust people who have trashed the planet. Actions of good faith by bad actors, the stories are littered with tales of assholes pretending to do thing for your own good when the only thing they are interested in is making money or saving it.  The helplessness and impotence in the face of this... This is the third time I have received Shakti in a week!!! So today, after school - car insurance... and the divorce documentation. So yay!!! Right I really must do the cla...

My mantra is hanging in there. It is about doing what I can to greet each day. And as I do that I can feel myself getting better, finding my feet. The house has been a saga and a half... it has been dragged out unnecessarily. But everyday i am chipping away at it and I am getting better and on with things. I had to leave this to work on a jpeg but I have! ...

I have gone back to my mythological roots. After having done all that, I have now begun to reconnect with it. To once more find the meaning in it. I remember reading all those books on mythology in P 5. What would I have been if I never read about the Greeks, the Peruvians, the Egyptians. I think that's where i began my journey. Last night I was watching youtube videos about the Hindu Gods and marveling at the depth and the mind boggling beauty of the symbolism. It is hands down the last remaining rich mythological culture left and that is probably because they had a caste system and the Brahmins kept the stories alive. I don't know. I'm making it up. But just listening even to the their just so stories like how did Shiva get his Trident? How did Durga get her ten weapons? What happened to Ashwatthamna? These were just so rich... and to think now that these are being made to serve what appears to be a racist movement in India. The breeding ground of fascism in inequality. O...

I now have a routine I can work with!!! Which is nourishing, not punishing. Which supports not guilts! But most importantly, which helps me get the day started and helps me get on my feet.  It is gentle. It is non stressful. It is strengthening. It is what I can do without overexerting myself. It starts with me writing my journal in bed at around 4.30 am... or 4 am. Gary wakes me up! Then when I'm not allowed to stay in bed any longer, I come down and do this! Journalling in here. I love both types of journalling they help me to stay on track. They are practices in reflection, recording, exercises in clarification. It's like sweeping the spirit - house keeping for the spirit. The days I did not journal I felt gunge build up. And when I DON'T journal or dont feel like it is when I most need it. Then I do my class prep, correspondence and elements. Anything that needs sorting before the day gets going. If I can I play some piano. I should do that now instead of screen time. A...

I have also decided on a new morning start. Journal in bed. Then journal here, on paper. I get up at 4 am everyday. This means it is right I sleep around 8 pm. That is why I was DONE when I got home at 5 pm. I stayed on the sofa watching this film called The Awakening about some ghost child in a mansion. Then I had a bath, gave Ghin his dinner, and went to bed. I thought that is useless, but it was my few hours of leisure during the day. When I say leisure I mean my do nothing time. My do nothing at all time... it was cool, comfortable, perfect. I slept deep till 11.30 and then got up to make sure Ghin was ok. Then I went back to bed and got up at 4.30 am. A sleep of two halves.  Forest School yesterday was so lovely. The light of November and fire is transformed into something else... it becomes brighter and more important. The wind fans the light into a strength within and we are all blessed by being here on Planet Earth. How lucky are we? To have the simple things like pasta and...

Shakti is the face of the Divine Feminine, she is the reason why life exists. They animates and enervates - this New Moon energy is Shakti.  Everyday I will get a goddess card for just before I sleep and then one more when I wake up. The going to sleep one is to work on when I sleep and plan my day with and the one I get when I wake is the one which will accompany me for the day. I know that these goddesses and angelic beings are real and they walk beside me. They open locks and keep the ground firm beneath my feet. They bring about order and usher in change. They are both unyielding and compassionate.  I am comforted by their appearance in my life daily. Today it is Ix Chel and Shakti. I bring their presence and power into my immediate consciousness and bring it to manifest in my life everyday. Whenever I feel moments of weakness or ugliness, I call upon them. This was the other insight. That my life will never be perfect, it simply cannot. I cannot make all the things in my ...

Something happened to me just now, as I completed the last sentence and I heard this song. It wasn't a particularly beautiful or striking song, but it captured the mood of this morning, of the day. And I saw the layers of human imagination and art over the wonder of nature and at that moment I understood everything. I understood the indelible beauty which we are made up of. It does not matter what new scientific understandings or manipulations we develop this will always be true. As long as there are human beings here, tuned into the wonder of the cosmos and receiving the magnificence of creation, there will always be art. This is another Grail Moment. The piercing of the veil. I saw the veil and I saw that which was beneath it and what was over it. And I saw how we - I - everyone is part of that. And then, this is the important part, I was able to take just what it was for me. To bring it in like a tool - and make it mine. To behold the wonder in total and then say to myself - thi...

It has been a slow hard fought and hard won trek but here I am. Here I am. I wrote something this morning which made me remember. Here is it. I have led a very lucky life. I really have. The more I live the more I realise how incredible it has been. I have had a very happy childhood. Family and friends who have cared for me. My parents who did everything they could to make sure I was embraced, kept warm, adored. I was spoilt but I was also given a sense of discipline, what was appropriate. I was raised with ideals and a sense of what is right. I have been remarkably happy because of that. Then my health. My sons. I have a job I love. I have a successful Forest School. I have people who care for me. I have enough. A beautiful roof over my head. Enough food to eat - more than enough. I have a treasure trove of lifetime experiences AND I have my freedom hard fought and hard won. I have the ability to look into the mirror and know - and I mean COMPLETELY know - that I did do my best. Not t...

The day now comes to an end. It has been a really busy day too. Lots of cleaning, the weekly shop, organising papers, sorting things... very productive and very satisfying. Also I'm in better shape financially than I thought I was. So it's all good. Trying to get hold of Oisin. Haven't heard from him for ages. It seems like he has passed out of our orbit and is now doing his own thing. He relies on us for nothing at all. He is utterly independent. So weird. But delightful and successful. Yay. It's time for bed now. I am exhausted after that mad day. I've also done lesson planning and I must do the drawing tomorrow morning... I can start with a small part and add something on everyday, that would be so lovely. Right time for reflections in bed. It is done. What I needed to do today I have gotten done. I am so pleased with myself.

Right. I have hoovered and am in the middle of laundry. I have repaired the hoover's head and also managed to open the washing machine door. I have recycled glass and now I am confronted with the vast expanse of the mess on my desk and the accounts... ugh.  The good news is I have hoovered and started the laundry. the hoover head I repaired by using a Pa fix. Pa used rubberbands to fix everything. So I used a rubberband. I wrapped it around the axle and it stopped running out. Simples. Fixed.

I have checked out so much over the last few months. That is mostly because of the massive emotional physical task I have had. Not to mention the extremely confusing past two years. Being unable to say anything is very difficult when you see people doing foolish things. However, it is now time to reengage but before I do that I must put everything else in order. And I do this by getting hold of my physical environment. So cleaning, admin and gardening... and then also returning to my schedule. Just one thing at a time.  So, the theme for this week is reengagement. The actions are  1. Getting the house in order: hoover, laundry and garage - FS equipment, table (if there is time) (10 - 13) 2. Getting the admin in order: filing, Forest School, accounts, emails (14 - 1630) 3. Food for the week (1630 - 1830)

Can you tell it is a new moon? :) Going forward... but before I do this I have to say that the moronic response to so much of the Marvel cinematic universe and Dune has got to do with the lack of mythology and spirituality in people's lives. Instead of properly coming to a centre, a system which sustains belief, they end up investing so much shite in capitalism and the story of the superman. That I cannot bear. This is why we do - I do - mythology. Our lives and stories have become so unmoored from our consciousness and subconsciousness that any old shite can set up camp there. Instead of stories being connected to the past and having true archetypes, they are now fascinations, rather than real material to feed the soul. OK, right now on to what is the direction under which everything falls? I am now an older woman, with life experience, a feminist who has an incredible breadth and span of mythology. I love nature and I have worked with shamanic practise before. Perhaps this is wha...

Now and forever. I have blobed a bit now for the past few weeks. Well blobed is not right. I have been very super busy and then blobed. It has been hell and hard. However, I have decided that I need to stop blobing and take on a direction which is also the direction I have been going in. So I am now going to be more awake a proactive in my actions and thoughts. Just to say that it has been so so hard. Tough of course, but nothing compared to the toughness of other people doing what they have to do to make ends meet. By then end of all this I will be alright.  Yesterday Ghin asked me - do you know what you want for Christmas. I could not say I did. I had everything wanted and needed. There was nothing which was lacking in my life. You could help me put up shelves. Come on mom I'd do that because I'm your son not for Christmas. I spend a lot of time laughing with Ghin when we do go out. There is a day to day seeing to things and then there is the other side where I am making sure...

Right.  House is about to go on the market and I am DONE FOR. It has been a completely exhausting journey here.  From the obstacles I have had with my own pain and sorrow to the obstacles put in my path by other idiots, I have had to do battle every step of the way. There isn't much to be said anymore. I no longer get any insights about anything mostly because I have received all of them. All the questing and the seeking and the wondering - it all has ended. I won't say that the big questions have been answered for me - well they have, to my own satisfaction, and now it is the everyday which I have to be honest about. I'm now wondering if I just let Elements go to ground now until the half term next year. I have to be brutally honest about what I am able to do.  I have so much to catch up on and it is all too much for me. I will clean the house today and then start cleaning this table.  It is simple. That is what I need to do.  Watched Dune with Ghin yesterday. ...

Yesterday something occurred to me that made me think... yes this is interesting. I must now focus on the thing which annoys me and stop it from annoying me. There is not a lot I can do, I am just gonna have to go with it. 

I was so tired yesterday after school and before Forest School. I just for the first time didn't feel like going for it. And then I got there and everything changed. I was in the zone. The evening was so gorgeous, the light was so golden, the trees were so majestic, the skies were so lifted. It was as if I was transported to another time and space. The floating timelessness of the evening. As the light left us, the fires got brighter and we children went for a walk in the dark with a torch.  At least the computer works still. A bit sticky some keys but over all it is ok. Whew!!! The last time this happened the computer more or less shut down and then kept repeating keys. Another truly beautiful day. I used to think that life was all about writing and I still do. I cannot wait to get started again.  Right i'm going to get started now. What a day... what a day... 

For some reason writing the blog makes me happier than writing in my journal. I don't know what that is. So strange. I was listening to this super stupid interview with this guy called Yuval Noah Harari. My god he was super annoying. Talking about data being the next thing which we are going to be selling and how AI is going to take over our brains. So I have decided that these people - despite their erudition and big words - are all basic. Basic in the sense that once you set them on a path they just keep going down it. They are the academic equivalent of those women who put botox in their faces and do their eyebrows to look permanently surprised. They cannot think of another reality. They can only pursue what is now. Yuval Harari is a Israeli historian in the university of Jerusalem and I have decided that Israel has lost all credibility with me over the entire Covid vaccine debacle. Let us hope that the vaccine is harmless at best. Hopefully it is nothing more than souped up wat...

I love this time of the year. The coming in of the spirit. Its incarnation. Everything is very busy - busier than usual of course and at the forefront of that is the divorce. I just spoke to Ma and honestly I cannot imagine life without her or Pa. I am just so lucky and I thank my stars everyday. I have had a life full of love and privilege and that cannot be taken forgranted nor can it be taken from me. They have given me so much and I am eternally grateful for it. So I take the hits and just get on with it.  There is Forest School after school today and then I must clear up this desk. One thing after another. And the heartbreak still goes on. And yet I know it was the right thing to do and I am going into a better future, a better place. And I am not looking back. I'm not thinking about what took place and what might have been. Nor all the awfulness of what I had been through. And today the sun rises as the skies are that blue stillness of a November dawn. I will forever be grate...

Right organisation. So the house is almost complete. The only thing left is the last bits of tidying up. I can't believe we did it. Ghin and myself - and help from other friends. It has been amazing. Yes it has been nothing short of amazing. Well so here we are at the start of a new year. Halloween. I can't think of the words really. Yesterday I was thinking of everything and wondering if it was as bad as I remember it. Was I really treated in that way? Did it really happen as I recalled it? How could something so awful fade so much? How could it? Perhaps one day it will all just be a strange faded memory. Perhaps. Nope I was not wrong. Peter has just sent me an email once again calling me names. Really I can't be bothered anymore.