Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

I ain't missing you Well, it has been almost five months now since the whole mess. It's hard to believe but the global economy appears to be so fragile that it is almost useless. I think it has been a reality check for many. What are the stories I have heard thus far? Most people I meet are skeptical about the whole thing Unlike my friends on FB, to be honest there are fewer and fewer of these, the people I meet in real life have a skeptical take on what's going on. Even older, more vulnerable people are saying, this that they think it is an overreaction. Whether older people think they are bomb proof, my friends are natural skeptics, or whether we are secretly right-wing (just joking they are not), their opinions can be summed up as the following: The virus isn't as dangerous as it is made out to be This does not mean we are right-wing maniacs They think masks are rubbish They want people who are most vulnerable to be looked after They are worried about what this mean ...

And so, it is raining once again.  I don't know why I don't mind it. My days pan out like this. Get up and clean the house. From the mess that was left the night before. Now when I say mess, it is just stuff the boys have not done. Put shoes away, wash dishes in the sink, fold towels they have used, etc. It isn't a big deal. It is me keeping on top of the clean house we already have. A small investment does two things for me: it keeps the house clean and... secondly,,, well, I have to say this and it is true, but it does show the bit of me is unevolved... it gives me a higher moral ground.  This morning I came down to a mess of a fireplace. After I had carefully cleared it out and swept it. Peat briquettes which make a huge mess and no one should be using them really, were lying there, the scissors used to cut the tape around it, on the mantelpiece, the fireguard returned to the place it blocked everyone, a bag of kiln dried wood behind it so that it jutted out ...

I am now listening to the Barber of Seville. A long long time ago I bought this and listened to it over and over again. Why did I listen to so much opera? I don't know. I seemed to have enjoyed it clearly. I mean I still do, but I have a LOT of opera. It is weird. Today I had a hankering to listen to the Barber, having reseen it in the unearthed CD mine. Just the joy, the silliness, the memory of anything being possible. But now I have been to Seville! I was there. I walked those streets and I know what Rossini was trying to convey. Although I don't know if he knew what we was doing. Had he been to Seville? I'm at Ma's house now, trying to get sorted with the sink. It appears that the problem was not just the leaky filter, but also the leaky bucket. Thankfully it would appear that the problem was not ... Sink leak repaired. Yung was telling me about how much he earned. I was shocked at how little that was - especially when compared to his mom who earned £350...

The pictures today are from the house - parts of the house which have been tidied and cleaned... I take them as a momento of the place we used to live in. Moments of silence before it disappears from our lives. Thank you house. I clean each corner with intention and love and place the best wishes in it for the next persons who live here. I hope they will benefit from it. Everyday is an installment. Yesterday I cleaned the books. They were books from my 20s. My early teens and 20s. Like the music, like the DVDs. Well, the DVDs were from my 30s. I never bought DVDs in Singapore.  Looking at the books brought me back to myself. The fire which I had and the learning which took place. The world, opening before me. That sense of newness and wonderment. It was like I was once again standing in the bus in Singapore, the rain heavy and warm outside, balancing against the rock and roll of the stop and start, bag in one hand and book in another, trying to read. Jane Ey...

Today I cleared out the books. That was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I revisited my university days, the excitement, the books that made me. The books which I changed my mind, that formed me as a person. In them, an entire world which had depth and beauty. A world which made everything possible. I began to get excited again. This summer is the summer of new beginnings. The patterns have been disrupted and I am now on my way to a new adventure. I can't stop saying that. It is also a frightening one because it is one which even though I have chosen it, I'm leading on this. So, you know... scary. But i just wanted to post my books. My beautiful books. Oisin and I listened to Prodigy and he was so interested in it as he took apart the piece... 

Belt made with Dierdre and Gabriel yesterday Well yesterday was productive. I organised and sorted the CDs and DVDs. It took a lot shorter than I thought it would. I thought, I would have to decide which CDs and keep and which I give/throw away, but as I did continued cleaning it, there were too many memories and what's worse I began to think, that is not a bad CD collection. I thought i used to think it was embarrassing but actually it's ok. It was a weird CD collection I have to admit. There was a LOT of medieval and classical. A lot of it. I would say that was the majority of the music. The classical music. I had lots of independent music. Like The Levellers, Echo and the Bunnyman, Radiohead, Eels. Suede. Death in Vegas. Lennon and Ono. Then lots of dance music, club music, even though I never went to clubs. I think I just liked the sound of the music. It was the soundtrack of the 90s I guess. That was when that music was new. Yeah, it was new music. Trance. Prodigy. Then I ...

It has been a mixture of beautiful sun and beautiful rain. I have loved every moment of this summer despite it being unpredictable and wet. The smells, a sense I never associate with Ireland, are everywhere. People, the soil, trees... the air... it all smells. The smells of the forest and earthy and heavy. The smells of the suburbia I live in are many and varied. Concrete in rain. Yesterday I tried to remember what it was that made the sounds of shooting smell. Cordite. Cordite... I rooted around for the word and felt it disappear... cord... something I thought. Then this morning and woke up and remembered - cordite. It even sounds the way it smells. I cleaned the hallway on Friday and yesterday I went for a walk in Hillsbrough. I cleaned the CD area today. It took me just over two hours. I discovered I had a really good music collection. It was a bit eclectic and eccentric, but I have lived enough of life to know that it is a good one. I had classic...

Crawfordsburn Waterfall  Can't quite believe it is Friday. It has been a great week for me. I mean a really great week. Not a pretend and grin and smile great, but deeply great week. Everything is back on track again. Breathe out. And this WEATHER. I LOVE this weather. It is the perfect weather. I am staying home now a lot, but also doing a lot home. I have kept the kitchen clean. Cooking and cleaning up, and making sure the boys are well. Working on elements, making sure that things are moving along. Today I'll clear the hallway - I had a look at it and it looked good. Then I'll be sorting out the hall. So I'll begin on the window side and move around the room. Bit by bit. I should have it done by the end of next week at the latest.  That would be downstairs done. Honestly about a month ago I was in the pit of despair, now... I'm good again. I have also discovered this. I can write if I want to. It is like a tap I can turn on and off. It won't be a massive nove...

Wildflower gorgeousness It has been such a week. Really fast but sooo eventful.  The Forest School is up and running well, until we are given permission. Separation is going - FINALLY. And it feels like everything is moving again. After that sluggishness of the retrograde, it feels like everything is moving once more. There are a few areas in my life which are beginning to merge. School, Forest School, Anthroposophy, Green Party - My outward life. Somehow I need to make them all feed into each other Spirituality Working with the Elementals (the link between the outer and inner life) My personal life     Health: Starting to move again     Cleaning house for sale: Doing a bit daily and keeping on top of the kitchen     Art: Piano and painting     Gardening     Admin and finance: Totally under control Family and friends     And I am so grateful for all of these It feels like everything is coming together. When Kelly spoke to ...

Yesterday my assumptions about North Belfast were shattered. I visited Gabriel's mum and it was so beautiful there... we sat in the garden which was breathing and alive and just full of Gabriel's mum. You could just feel her there. She had done something really wonderful with her life. Here we are... on this planet for a very short time - and then we are gone. Be brave with the time here. What is the point of living any other way right? Be proud of who you are. Love without restraint.  There is much to do again. I didn't go for my run today because I went for a walk in the afternoon yesterday - all the way up to the very top of Stormont. It was cool and beautiful there - cool and dark like a rainforest. My heartaches for rainforests at this time of the year. To walk in MacRitche during a rainstorm. The silence. Nothing stirs. The mist rising. Myself on my own because no one goes walking in the rain in Singapore. So, today... After I serve the boys their breakfast and wash u...

Robert Smithson, Map of Atlantis Broken Glass I trace it in my sleep. The edges, like cut glass, and cutting glass. Each fragment handled carefully, to prevent any damage. Both to myself and the dream. I never want it to end. Each second carefully excavated so that it is never lost. My darling, my love. My sweetheart. She is smiling down at me, imprinting her love on me. From here the blueprints are drawn, the maps back to this moment made. From here on in, I will forever know what love it.  And yet I do not remember it, not really. It is secreted somewhere inside where I cannot go in my waking times, clear eyed, alert, day soaked. And yet, I know it exists. Mother, I mouth the words. Each syllable older than any time. M...A...M...O...M... Because of her I know what love it. Forever know it. There can be no real gratitude. Real gratitude has a source to be grateful for. I might as well be grateful to the sun. I am grateful to the sun. But there is a longing that the gratitude could...

Cherries picked and now pitted and frozen My poor bread Rose tea! I have loads to get through over the next six weeks. 

I even remember Sentosa just before this... when it was a non jetty and we took rides over in chartered boats on Jardin Steps I went for my run yesterday and did loads of Element type things including fill in forms and stuff. Then I pitted cherries, watched the Hunger Games, last part, and Pretty Woman. That really brought me back. I remember watching it in Oslo. It was so expensive. Or maybe it was Exeter. I remember Birger back then too. Those were crazy times. They really were. I cannot believe I used to be so young - it is like another universe. I hear the birds quarreling outside. Over the last of the cherries. They will last another week. Oh yes, I did some gardening the day before as well.  So it was busy and productive. Made the last of the porridge. And have kept spending to a minimum. the aim is to spend as little as possible over the next two weeks. But it's ok because I know exactly what is going on with the ££. I have also complete control over what is going in and out...

It's not Singapore but it's gonna have to do Well, so it has been a strange and wonderful day. I think my Discover Weekly playlist is getting there. Just awesome. Placid and quiet and contemplative. Just like I would have it. Today then. After this:- Finally - the Run Then website for a couple of hours Laundry Clean hallway Email Kelly I wrote this today: There is an automatic feeling of sadness when someone dies. It is really very sad because of the hole they leave behind - although for those people who maybe have been awful, we see them off gladly. I'm sure not many shed tears when Hitler went for instance. Not for other manic dictators. But I think we have to, for our own sakes, attempt to reframe what death is in order to try and embrace it since it is such a huge part of life. Also I think that only when we understand and truly accept death does life become so much better. We start to live it. I'm not going to talk about the half lives which have been c...

Garden harvest Yesterday was a day of doing things. I got the car fixed and I joined the teaching union. I have a list of things to do as well... It's gonna be a busy day. From sorting out the Steiner stuff to the website for elements, it will be busy.  I also made bread and made porridge for Oisin. And there is nothing left to do - apart from this blog and to get on with it.  I feel like such an amateur. I don't know what I need.  A real restlessness. Right. I just need to get on with it and do what I said I would do and forget about everything else. Ma told me she was feeling very sad and she said that to Pa as well. She said she missed the boys and not being able to see them. To be honest we wouldn't have been able to leave the house because of all the Covid restrictions. I don't understand these restrictions. It has been so stupid. For instance, they said that it is very dangerous but they are able to hold elections in the middle of all that. Here, every...

Masktitude Here is my mask. I bought this bandana years ago - possibly more than ten. I have now converted it into an all purpose piece of cloth which includes a mask. It is really working. Absolutely loving it. So that's the mask taken care of. There was not fuss. It makes me laugh because I remember having one ready when we went on demos because of teargas attacks. You needed to soak your cloth with water to help you overcome the fumes. So here I am.... in my pajamas and my bandana. It took me less than ten minutes to fix it up. And I already have idea. But I love this camouflage material. It reminds me of my time in Harapan and the warrior inside me. I will always fight on. Always. Cherries, roses and blackcurrants... never a dull moment... Everything changes. If you don't like something, just wait, it will pass. That is what I have learned in life. Today is busy. I need to head to the garage to ...

This evening, the boys came home. I missed them sooo much. I missed them so much I didn't even realise I was missing them. More than Singapore, more than the silence, more than ANYTHING - I missed them something awful. Then I finished reading The Planet in a Pebble and I was returned to myself. I am no longer Crone. I am once again - Stephanie. Then I wrote this... In my clean house... I wrote this: Manifesto: The Build the Heavenly City Method: Creating Paradise on Earth How: Being Kinder. Working with the Angelic Beings. Living Consciously. Drawing and Imparting Strength. Striving to discover, deliver, developing form, co-operating with community. Incarnating knowledge. Developing good habits. Remember: It is everyone's prerogative to be stupid. When it has all faded - who knows what will be left? So, live. Live without caring what others think. Live without regret. Live resplendently. Live in that blaze of light. Live in the fullness of possibility and without restraint. Li...

What a start to the holidays! It has been slow, but I did it. I cleaned the kitchen. Inch by inch. And now it is all done.  So now I need to focus on the next three months. I have already made my plan and the next date we are looking at is September 21st. I just need to get my ass in order. There is so much that needs to be done. From fitness levels to eating, to writing and piano. And the last two weeks since work ended, it has been about getting the kitchen cleaned. I began last Monday and have been slowly doing it over the past week - bar two days.  Having a peony and rose tea. I harvest from the garden this summer. It smells heavenly. I already feel better. I ALSO read Circe  so beautiful written and watched all of The Last Airbender , which was fascinating. I suppose animation has come such a long way since, but back in the day, I'm sure it was groundbreaking. There is one final puzzle that must be solved for me.  But before I go on to write about it...

Every year I top up in Singapore. Being back in Singapore is cheating. I go there and I rest. I rest and I swim by the pool. I see my friends. I have Singaporean food. And I expect to go there every year. This year did not deliver. I admit, I have become a wee bit lazy. I spent the last few years just coasting - it was tough, but I coasted. I did my work, which wasn't easy and then I came home and tried to hold myself and things together. This year everything is different in every way and I am really having a hard time adjusting. But adjust I must. And before I adjust - it is just me having a moan. However.. it is not good for me to just wallow in self pity. I must get up and write and do things. Well... I did clean the entire kitchen. So that's good and it was the worst place in the house, especially the cooking area. I just need to get my ass in gear - to motivate myself. And I did have down time and I did watch some Netflix. I need to start exercising and running...

Growing old I am proudest when I clean. It felt good. Going into each corner. Cutting down, paring down. My cookery books all there, waiting to be used once more. Unearthing things which bring back memories, which I cannot let go of. But now must. Lockdown has been a nightmare for all us. I have hated every minute of it. I still do. ====================== THREE DAYS LATER ====================== I have cleaned the entire kitchen - it will be complete tomorrow I think. But I literally scraped off the grease and dust from the top of my kitchen cabinets. 

Venus as the Morning Star There has not been a morning like it for a long time. I am fairly sure it has to do with Christal. Everything is completely still. Everything smells amazing.  I have been up since 1.30 am. After I couldn't get to sleep I came down, to talk to Ma. Then I began to do some blogging. But I couldn't help but this of Christal.  I do not understand how we are bound. I do not. I do not understand how the cosmos works. It is beyond comprehension. Literally. And those of us who have pushed those limits, the intellectual limits, that is good for us. And it was important that we did that. That experienced the highs and the lows. That we broke ourselves against the barriers. The veils that could not part. It was vital that happened... because then, we understood... we understood that it was through humility that we build the Heavenly City. It was how I understood it anyway.  To see the pearls, the jewels. To learn that my journey is mine, and mine alone and...

This Morning It is the simple things really. Yesterday, I began cleaning the house. I cleared up and dusted and hoovered... the night before I had begun with the bathroom. Cleaning that. Today I will clean another section of this room. Then this room will be done. Then the kitchen begins. Small things, always, all the time. Small things. Crystal will be cremated today. She will soon leave this Earth. It was part of this choosing, this life. How we live it and how we die. It is a time for inspiration. A time to celebrate. All the time to be perfectly conscious about the steps we take. That world, that world of selfishness and the me-ness... that is left behind... But, first the Manifesto Building the Heavenly City here, on Earth.  There has been so much learning, so much discovery over the past few months. I have properly hated it. Found it distasteful. I now really have no more time for the Left. They are cowards. And the Right - they are bullies. I stand alone now - wi...

Heaven on Earth Last night, just before I went to bed, I realised what my manifesto was going to be: To build an Earthly Paradise. That this was what I am going to do for the rest of my life. To take all the threads which I have gathered to start weaving a beautiful carpet - metaphorically. The rest of my life will be dedicated to making an Earthly Paradise. Both within and without. By doing it inside, it happens on the outside as well. By the sweat of by brow, by the tears I have cried. It will be so. I have washed the stones of my Heavenly City with tears and built those walls with sweat... It will be so. Last night, I finally cleaned the bathroom and then this morning I began by cleaning this place. Already it is looking great. This afternoon I will do part of the garden - just a quickly tidy up.  Then later a meeting and an hour of work on the maths curriculum. Bit by bit the house will be brought to order. It will be beautiful by the end of the week. Certainly this room, the k...