Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

The summer term is now what i have come to know as the panic term i.e. all the things which i thought i was going to do suddenly don't look like they are gonna be done at all. I should have spent less time doing Botany and more time starting Ancient Egypt. I have come back from Spain fitter and lighter than when i left because of all the walking we did. We walked at least 5 km everyday - we ate like hell, but we walked the heck off our legs. Especially day 2, when according to Raqaia's app we walked 20,000 steps. It was amazing. I was also tanned and feeling much better. Even my clothes told me i had lost weight. We have no car because i have to renew my license. This is good because it continues the walking theme. The boys and I will stay at my mom's but Peter will stay at out house because he is going to have to feed the cat. We come home every weekend. I sort of like it cos, you know, more walking. Today we plan for moving over and I plan for school. It will be s...

Yesterday, i managed to clean the house, cook - twice! - change the tyre (it got flat), do laundry, run Oisin to Holywood and have some chill time. It is busy - really busy, as always. Even though it is the holidays. I am perpetually tired - it is very frustrating. I want to run but i have no energy to run and i have no energy to play the piano. On top of it all school is so demanding that i end up feeling super resentful of how demanding it is. I have tried to institute boundaries, but it makes me feel really awful doing this because there are so few people doing all they can for it. At the same time though, i just dont have that ability to give till i am dead you know. I need to save something for myself. I have spent most of my working life really giving it all and i just know that it isn't good. Drawing lines is important. So, i don't know what to do. It is a dilemma. I just can't continue like this. Other people may have more resources personally but i don't kn...

Well, it is barely three weeks and my period arrived. This is good because it means i can go to Spain knowing i am period free. However, i do think the menopause has started, although i have been convinced i have had it since 2012. Over the past week i have been a bit depressed about things - possibly because of my period - but depressed about the people around me getting old. I said to Oisin, i am really not looking forward to contracting all kinds of decrepitude associated with old age. What is wrong with you, Oisin asked. You have never been like this before. I know, i said, but it is a secret worry i have always had. I fear becoming old and infirm - just getting all kinds of problems like joints and bones and eyes... It is not something which i really want to think about and yet it is going to happen. I am tired and i am recovering. I am recovering from a busy two months being a teacher and recovering from last night and today - just being busy and being out. Today, as i saw ...

Well after feeling like utter crap last week i am now feeling almost better. It turns out i wasn't having burnout, i was just being ill and powering through it. The cough is almost gone and my leg is almost better. I feel much better, full of energy. In fact yesterday i did two weeks' worth of laundry, hoovered the house and cooked. I had not cooked for nearly a week. It is odd how i didn't realise i was really ill though. I don't like talking about being ill because to me it is pointless. You are either ill or you are not ill. But it is the relentless nature of my life i think which makes it confusing between being very tired and ill. In any case, i am NOT ill. Which is rather the point. I love doing laundry and i did think to myself. Hoovering. At first, i was really - god i'll hoover when i get back, but it was doing my nut in and i had to say to myself, if i hoover NOW, it will be done. And you know what, it was. Just like that. Less than half an hour, t...

I have a very odd relationship with illness. When i get ill, i get very grumpy. Very grumpy. And i also get completely miserable. The past week has seen me being utterly resigned to dying. Last night i said, please kill me, it would be easier. I would wake up drenched in sweat and then cough until i nearly gave myself a hernia. Well i certainly managed to pull a muscle. I decided that i would no longer take any painkillers because they are just so bad for me. Unless it is for a straightforward condition like my period, having painkillers make my body feel even more useless. Today, i feel much much better. It is very odd. Last night, i wanted to die. This morning i feel much better. I know that in a few days time i will recover and then it will be ok. This happens all the time. I thought that perhaps now maybe i have a serious hip problem, but thankfully it is just a pulled muscle problem. So i'll be right on track once again. It is very annoying being a human being. Enough o...