Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

Resting in the garden So, about five pm yesterday i hit a very low point. I was what is the fucking point of life and if i keep getting it right, why is it always so fucking hard? I was thinking, i could just throw the towels all in. On everything. start something new. So i went for a walk with Peter. Peter is not the greatest pep talker in the world, being a man. He is someone who wants to fix the thing. At this moment though, i don't want the thing fixed, i just want to live to see the sunrise the next day. But the walk was good and the walk was alright. At least i have someone to talk to. Then i got home and was very tired. As usual. Then i decided to look at some pictures of Singapore, to post that i will be there soon. And doing so i looked at the back catalogue of all the photos in the past few years. And that is when i was reminded i have a fucking fantastic life. My life is totally awesome. I have an amazing family, great friends and i do wonderful things. That people a...

Yesterday i was dragged to see two zen films. One was One Mind, a year in the lives of monks in A Chinese Zen Monastery. Another was a talk by Noah Levine. I found both films ok, the first, better than the second. I find the American Zen talkers really annoying - they have this droning, overly placid way of going on and on and on... any how, this morning, i got up and thoughts began to run through my mind and as i felt an up welling of anger inside me, i felt very uncomfortable. I felt like, i can't bear this, it is terrible, it is actually physically hurting me, and then, i remembered, i am not my anger. This is not me. And the feeling instantly passed. It was like i was Jesus and i had told Satan to get behind me. I am not you. This is a complete revelation. I have never done this before. I mean i have done this, but it was so quick. I remember during the film that i wished and wished and wished that i could not hold onto anger the way i do. Why am i so fucking unskilled, i ask...

In the Handmaid's Tale, there is a scribbled piece of graffiti in the closet which says this in pig Latin. I wish i had learned Latin. Maybe I still can. I spent all of yesterday in pajamas, i barely ate, i slept three times, i went to bed at 10. I barely ate, i couldn't even lift myself out of bed for most of the day. And last night when i got to bed, i spent a long time just feeling how exhausted i was. The house needed cleaning and i could not clean it. It is just impossible. Someone said to me, you need to lower your standards. Lower my standards? There isn't a need for you to do all the things you do. Actually this is something which i have been accused of before. Having ridiculously high standards. My mom said this to me. She used to say, why are you doing all this when no one else cares? I would be lugging things, trying to set things up, moving things. Working till 2 am in the morning, getting up at 5 to do more work. Why are you doing this? Where do you get the...

The past week has been so hard. Since joining as a teacher, i had always looked forward to the Olympics. We hold the games and the children dress up in Greek tunics and they do nine events in one day. It is the celebration of the pinnacle of childhood. The beauty of the flower at its loveliest. And it is really a joy being in the presence of children when they are that age, where they are ageless. Like Ancient Greece itself. And indeed that was what it was like. It was just simply perfect. From the weather, to the mood, to the games and the organisation, it was faultless. It ran like clockwork, which is to say that everyone played their part perfectly and patiently, with no drama. When we got back i was utterly shattered. I lay on the bed from around 4 pm and then went to celebrate Oisin's 16th birthday at Nandos. The next day, i was at school and came back ever more tired and then on Saturday i hung out with Oisin and got him shoes. Then Peter and I had a Father's Day lu...

It is only three more weeks till we head for Singapore and so three more weeks to get the houses in order here. I have gone to ground with exhaustion both emotional and physical, but now it is time to reform and once again reintroduce some structure and effort into my life. So i am now off to do some planning and then some cleaning up. It has been relentless the last few weeks, if not months, since the Easter term began actually. It is good to get some perspective into my life again as well. Regroup, regather and once more, to press on.

The past three weeks have been something else. Between the elections - where a real socialist government which just wants to redistribute wealth in a fair way was running and caught up over 20 points before the election ended - school, the menopause and finally, the heartbreaking passing of a friend, it has been utterly utterly bewildering. Since the trip to London, it feels as if i have come back to a completely different reality. A reality where seismic shifts take place and the world is unpredictable. During the elections, no less than two attacks were made in England. It was gut wrenching watching Jeremy Corbyn slowly increase his popularity, but once the fire was lit, the entire country caught fire. Singers, poets, scientists (even Stephen Hawking ffs), comedians, academics, all jumped in to lend him their support. Young people, old people, people who were Tories, people who had left Labour, people who just joined - just everything was in flux and free fall. I was transfixed by ...