Shiva's and Metta's Mother's Sutra

  The threefold social order is something which has been knocking around for the last 100 years. It's Steiner's vision of what the world could be. At that time it was very en vogue. The in between time of the world wars and people were terrified of another one breaking out. People were far more equal - some were just downright poor. Impoverished. Anything would have been better. Then universal health care, and a more equal vision of society - these things did take place in the 40s and 70s and then the 80s took place and all hell broke loose. Well, it only took another 40 years, but here we are, in this fucking mess because even at the age of 18 I understood where we were going with this mess.  And it is a total mess. But it is not going to get better because the people who should have understood where we were heading are on autopilot. So the truth is that we are going to hit the buffers before we decide that this is really not working. Maybe Gaza is the final brake in the syst...

Yesterday I attended a seminar about the Social Future . What Steiner thought about the Three Fold Economy - a society which emerges from the reality of human experience. A society which uses the human body in the anthroposophical understanding of it as the model of society. More than anything, the model of us precipitating out of nature to descend to earth and then to struggle to the ideal, the New Jerusalem was the arc of the fairytale. Once Upon a Time... to bring something out of thin air and to make it real... until it finally is on the Earth and then from there, to elevate each other. To journey towards the New Jerusalem. A place where everyone does indeed live happily ever after.  Where we are able to realise each other... so that we all become human beings, the tenth hierarchy. Is it possible? Only if a few people come together to make it possible. Can the school be such a place? I wonder if the school CAN be such a place... t...

Sorry about the tache  I know I sound very positive in these posts. I suppose I think I need to be. Mostly because of the fucking state of the planet. I mean what's there not to feel depressed about. It is true, stupidity was writ large during the so called pandemic. But the truth it is also write small every single day. The destruction of the planet. The hypnotisation of people with money. The idiocy that we do not aim for contentment and authenticity but pursue happiness. Sometimes courage does breakthrough and we have the irruption of it on campuses across countries where idealists refuse to submit to the corrupt. Watching the bloated police officers (er why do so many of them look so unfit btw?) with their helmets and batons and armoured vehicles and mounted horses against the waiflike protesters with the kefeyehs and signboards and lists of demands and lectures and speeches and sit ins... it is pure unthinking-unfeeling-willing vs courage inspired thinking-feelin...

Still doing the As Gaelige Lately i've been thinking about my childhood. I suppose I deal so much with children it is hard not to. Especially this idea of a childhood that is free and full of play. My earliest memories were thinking of how lucky my parents were to be playing in drains and at all hours until they went home to dinner. Both of them had that free range childhood. Catching fish, making kites, spitting on see saws, being horrible to other children and other children to them. Childhood now is a million miles from that - if that still exists its because we have artificially created that space where the adult - me - supervises the risky play and holds the space for that. But it also made me think of other things. I remember being terrified if I split anything - on myself for example. Sometimes my mother would yell at me, sometimes she wouldn't. I remember the times she didn't because they were so unusual. I remember thinking, did she see that? Did I get ...

Over the past week or so, well year or so, I have had to think about aging. It has led me to do things like stop drinking. Best decision ever since December last year. I was also watching Riviera  and it is a terrible show, but it is interesting regarding the people they cast. One of them is Lena Olin. Lena Olin was in the Unbearable Lightness of Being. She was Daniel Day-Lewis' other woman sex siren to the lovely Juliette Binoche. I remember thinking how idiotic the entire film was. The ultimate male fantasy. Lena Olin was gorgeous. I suppose she still is. But she smacks of that Californian/ Riviera stringy literally tanned older woman with a suspiciously massive head of hair. Also the same kind of kohled eyes and the slightly pouty lips. The kind of woman who tries to look like she knows she is older but has put a lot of effort into making sure she doesn't 'look her age'. Her musculature reminds me of one of Michaelangelo's studies. It was very distracting. Wow. H...

It has been a day of complete rest. I had to do everything to not do anything. Tomorrow will be the start of the reset.  I watched Riviera  and was thoroughly bored by the entire thing by the time the last two episodes in Series 2 rolled round.  The plot holes were larger than a Father Brown  installment. Oh it is so awful I can't be bothered to finish it. Especially since my convalescence is at an end. I think I took so much time off, but really this must be only my 7th day off school or something.  I took Thursday, Friday and Monday off. I think there maybe three other days this year - some of it for the divorce. But other than that, it's not a lot of days. I am going to bed now and I have decided not to do any planning for class tomorrow. I'll just go in a see where everyone is at. It's been so long now. I have a bit of phlegm left now, but nothing like the const...

Here it goes September  Terrible cough - I joined Bannatyne in August... coincidence? Dunno Broke my foot - no exercise Cough better October 31st - cough starts again - did I pick this up in Derry? Bannatyne? No exercise because of foot November Coughing Coughing gets better December Start running again January - February Generally ok, but fighting something Feb have to not go to Goddess thing because of illness March Feeling well - go to Wales - not 100% April Pick up weird cough Have to cancel Forest School So... main culprits are: Children - but I have been around children for 11 years... so... maybe like a stronger strain of whatever they have? Stress of Gaza - I have not been sleeping properly since Oct 7 and have been very VERY distressed at the barbarity of Israel, the evilness of the Western governments and our pathetic helplessness. Bannatyne?  I think it must be a combination of the stress of Gaza - only because the cruelty is off the fucking scale and then the germs...

Ghin yesterday So I discovered yesterday when I went out shopping I was still not great. I nearly passed out after doing the weekly shop. I thought I was recovering but I really was NOT. So I went home and did pass out a bit. And cancelled forest school, something I have not done in all the time we have run it. and then after cleaning the classroom, I did class prep. I settled down for the rest of the afternoon and then went to sleep early... then... i woke up at 5.30 am and realised I had not coughed the entire night. It was the first time in the ENTIRETY of the last 4 days I had not done that and that I weirdly felt much much better. To go from fine to zero and then from zero to fine was v strange. The only trace of my illness is now my voice which is still ropey. But even that cough which made my headache is over. So it was the right call to just lie in and not do anything and seal the deal with the recovery. Still though. It is super weird. I am glad that I am feeling...

I am very proud of the work which I do with the Fostering Network, bringing some Steiner education beyond the walls of the school. But it was at a great cost yesterday. I ended up feeling completely wiped and the cough did get worse. So i'm just back trying to rest as much as I can. In order to do this I have to square the gross circle of the massacre by the Israelis in Gaza. There is just no understanding how insane they have become. Everytime you think they cannot be more disgusting, they just top themselves exponentially. Their latest thing was playing the sound of a crying baby from a quadcopter and when someone came out to see what was wrong they shot him. Dead. They also targeted and hit children playing fuzeball in the past week. And demolished bakeries. It's like a list of the most horrendous things a human being can possibly do. And I don't even read the most horrendous things. Like the rape of men and women. Like the humiliation and torture. And they are PRO...

I have to stop listening to the news. It is so awful. It may have something to do with how ill I feel all the time. I do not get a good night's sleep and ... so I wrote this on FB. I have NEVER been so weirdly constantly sick in my entire life. Usually I just get a cold once a year, maybe twice, and that's me. But for the last few months, it has been a roundabout of crap. Since August I have had 2 bouts of that endless cough, then this year I have fought off the cough at least twice and yesterday I succumbed to the achey cold, fluey, sorethroaty thing again.  So the ONLY thing I have done differently over the past seven months is been completely and utterly beyond horrified by Gaza. I get up in the middle of the night and watch TikTok videoes and as you know, I post as many as I can.  As the entire planet slouches it's way to Bethlehem, as Yeats wrote, I have lost hope for us as a species. We are really completely stupid. I mean REALLY stupid.  So, I am going ...

I remember being Oisin's age - I'm sure that Leon does as well. Leon was probably in the army. I was in MITA. We are all bound by the scholarship we took. It was our chance to leave Singapore and we took it and ever after we were hemmed in for years and years. None of my friends who were scholars have encouraged their children to become scholars. No one I know enjoyed it much. Being a scholar in Singapore. I worked in MITA and looking back I see that I then had all these experiences which I used later in the work which I did. As a supershy person - I know this is hard to believe - being forced to do PR was really pushing me outside my comfort zone. I am not a natural loudmouth. But here was was loudmouthing for the government. To be fair doing govt PR is not the same as other PR. Anyway, we all hated it and none of us continued being in the Ministries. We all left some before our time, some after the time was up and over. Very few stayed. Some even left ...

When did it begin? It's hard to say. Possibly when we got the nuclear weapons. Possibly when the Americans came to be. Possibly when colonisation started over 500 years ago. When?  Human beings have always loved killing each other. I don't know what is wrong with us. As a mother it is just so awful. We live in a culture obsessed with killing. The bible I think is a terrible book. Terrible. People are reduced to numbers constantly. The scriptures are obsessed with numbers. They are always counting things. Geneology for one. And then people. And then things. They are always counting things. They actually have a book called Numbers. And they are obsessed with laws. This law and that law. It is exhausting. So here we stand with the most morally corrupt assholes on the planet. My only hope is that the people who actually have the money are now a bit terrified. That they realise a bunker is not an option and that they will 100% not enjoy a post apocalyptic landscape. And that they wi...

Ode to the boring life... When i think back about the life I had, I can safely say it was not dull nor boring. I have done most things. On Sunday Ghin asked me about the solar eclipse, and I said, I've seen a total eclipse before. He was WHAT???? Yes I said, I have. In Thailand. And I told him that story. So my life is full of little stories like that along the way. Each one would be a highlight on its own, if it was alone in a single life, but in mine, well... there are so many that it's pointless to try and recall them regularly. They are stored away somewhere, enjoyed privately, with delight in secrecy. These extremities which people talk about, I am not interested in them. At all. Not interested. So I love the boring life. This life I have now in suburbia. Where I go to the gym everyday and I teach young children. I play the piano and I draw every now and then. I run a forest school. I do bird song. That is the life I choose to lead.  Away from the drama. I ha...

I am so fecking tired. But everyone is so fecking tired.  Beautiful morning for once. It has been good in school. We have been chilling and doing loads of concluding work.  Yesterday's weather was a nightmare. The next time that happens I am cancelling forest school. I was watching the police series Blue Lights. It was about policing in Northern Ireland. I'm sure that if they made a police drama set IN the Troubles, the heroes would not be the police. I found the entire thing quite twee, but I refrain from commenting on anything about the Troubles because the truth is that I have lived life quite Trouble free. They are like markers around, but the actual Troubles never really touched me. I have to pay my respect to the people who did stay and survive this time here. For over thirty years. Back then it felt like the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone in the modern times, but Gaza has blown that out of the water. Terrible metaphor. So in addition to not...

Rare appearance of the sun The idiotic Americans i'm just rhowing something down because I need to keep up with the postings... I'm falling behind on them if I don't post everyday. Yesterday I cooked for Ghin... Well I went to the club for a 5.5 km run and then cooked for Ghin, Then I headed to Lidl to do the weekly shop. I have learnt that everything can be done slowly. I went to bed at 9 and then got up at 2 to post about Gaza for an hour and then went back to sleep.  It appears that the vaccination, especially the third booster is linked to increases and relapses in cancer. Excess death has increased so much so that its in the region of the number of people who died in WWII. Japan has documented the correlation between cancer and the MNRA booster. But because the people who work in the media - let's face it, they are like politicians and civil servants now - they have betrayed their intended goal of looking after people and instead are hungry ...

Dyeing hair is a tedious and messy process. But the results are so fun and satisfying. Especially since it's blue. It has been now 3 and a half months since I stopped drinking. I have dropped god knows how many dress sizes and I'm still losing weight. I'm back into my Harapan trousers and fitting into T-shirts and jogging bras and running shorts once again. But more than that, I am feeling GREAT. When I think of myself just before Christmas... god knows how much I spent on alcohol. At least £15 a week. £15 x 20 - what's that? £300? Possibly more. What have I spent that on instead? No idea. Wine gums?  But my skin has continued with its unwrinkling and the energy levels - they do no return immediately, but now they have come back in spades. I do think though that my spelling has become worse and I have these lapses in my understanding of things which came so quickly. It is a bit worrying that. But the running is amazing. Yesterday I ra...

Yesterday Ghin and I went for breakfast. We both basically just chat our way through anything. We can talk about anything Ghin says. And it is true. We talk about EVERYTHING. It is laughter and serious talk and witty observations and comfort and reassurance. It is the relationship I have always hoped and had with my sons. So yesterday... I went for my run, defrosted the fridge, did the laundry and then hung out with Ghin. I also dyed my hair and when we got home we watched The Two Faces of January , with a cast I did not realise was quite so great. Scam artists, accidental murders, foreign destinations in Europe and fantastic acting. The Oscar Isaac character was excellent. I love Oscar Isaac.  I said to Ghin that I felt now I was able to finally take my time, realise I had the time... it has been a cray rushing around for years and years and years and now I am finally relaxing and doing things for myself - possibly for the first time. Apart from the time ...

Boom! It has been shite this weather. Even I who never complains am fed up with it. At least I know i'll be getting away.  What are my days like now? I go to school and I am killing the teacher bit. My class is solid I can see that now. I do forest school. I come home and I make something to eat. Or I go to the club for a run and a swim. Then I watch a film or an episode of something - binge watching is for the holidays - and then I do my class planning. I do some tidying up. I do some reading. I catch up on Palestine and post feverishly. Otherwise I journal, play the piano, do admin... it seems so strange that after all these years, and I remember each of them so well, that I would be here, alone, in glorious silence and bliss.  I have all the memories of the exhaustion and the carrying of this family all by myself and then working through it all. Holding everything together. Then having my love for the children enabling me to spend the time to love th...

Is this Ghin's art project - don't know The war in Gaza is entering an ominous phase. The Israeli troops have pulled out of Gaza. Who knows what they are going to do next? These people are completely insane anyways. I don't know on what planet their actions will be deemed as legitimate, but I see the supremacists, the sadists, the sociopaths and psychopaths having a field day. How do people get to a place where their brains are able to justify such cruelty? Such irrationality?  It has been almost 13 years since I have been teaching in Steiner. I have done my 10,000 hour and finally get it. I have done 2 things for 10,000 hours, well 3. One - PR. Two - Teaching. Three - Motherhood. I finally get it. I'm finally starting to enjoy the silence and the solitude. No longer feel like I need to be running in fifty different directions. It feels incredibly strong and a relief. I am starting my writing again. Today after school I'll go for my run at the club then ...

Well, it's about to begin, the start to working every weekend... I've had quiet December and January, but we now start in with our sessions at the weekend. So I need to get going here now. I am so tired though. But it will be alright. The kids in the school are doing alright. They're getting what they need... I've got to get things in order now. I need to properly write in my journal.  OK, that's all caught up now. I'm delighted with myself.

Ghin at work More work Me at work More work Much more work Yes more work again Drying hammocks It has been a busy enough few weeks... tomorrow we are back to school. What did I do? Well I organised the garage on Saturday and Sunday. I organised the coat cupboard which I go into all the time now since I can go into it. It is soooo neat and clean! I organised my forest school things. I organised the piano room which I have been using as well. I did loads of mending. I watched lots of TV. I watched sooo much TV... I have lost track the number of shows I did watch. I ran. I ran and ran and ran. I ran 5 km everyday - except the Wed, Thurs and Fri when I came home and collapsed. I am now down to 40 mins for 5 km. I'm going to get down to 30 mins for 5 km and then I'll bring it up to 6 km. I am stretching every time after the run. I am fitting into outfits I haven't fitted into in years. I have als...

Well, that's Saturday again. I'm now working on creating a vision quest which can be carried out in secondary schools - one which isn't about intervention, but a natural culmination to forest school. Kate's onboard and she told me to ask the spirits to also help the endeavour.  The war in Gaza seems to have taken a turning point. Israel killed 7 aid workers and that was the excuse which the Western countries needed to tell Israel to stop it. It sort of beggars belief that they really do not have the courage of their convictions. They will now go into denial just as they will go into denial about the entire covid debacle and Brexit and the widening income gap...  Meanwhile... I feel so desperately grateful that I am doing the work which I do. I had dinner with Ruth last night and we were chatting about our children and in her case grandchildren. I am now so aware that I am no longer a 'younger' person. I am now part of the community of eld...

The final day. We made a kite and then tried to fly it. It did fly... a bit... but they had such agreat fun. And after that... we had smores and made some Easter eggs... and like that the Easter scheme was over. It was the perfect end to the Easter holidays.