#65.20 - Wading through treacle
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This is what brain fog is doing to me. Having warned myself about Mercury Retrograde now for weeks, I keep forgetting about it and I end up wondering why I am so tired, I want to hide, feel miserable for no reason. That is what Mercury Retrograde and brain fog have conspired to bring me this time. Knowledge and confusion.
It has been a really lost week. I have become, more or less, unstuck in life. It has been so hard and it is Mercury Retrograde. There can't be anything else. Well, I now have two choices. I can go to ground - willingly, or I can kick it in the ass.
It does feel like life has defeated me a bit really. So yes, I am going to have to kick it in the ass even if it kills me. I will die kicking Mercury Retrograde in the ass.
There are only 11 more days to go. I can do this.
I went to see Parasite yesterday. It was so sad. And funny, at the same time. It was what I've come to expect from independent Asian cinema. As I watched the family who despite all the set backs life gave them never descended into bitterness - there was acceptance, ambition, fear, but never bitterness - I was filled with sorrow. Well there was ONE flash of bitterness, when Kim kills Park, but he regrets it after that. He never ever understands that Park is part of the system which has made him have to live with the poverty and misery. Even today, South Korea is one of the places in which the virus has taken hold. At least we know the figures and stats. But if poverty in Korea is so bad, then it is no wonder the spread is also so rapid.
I have been documenting my menopause. So when I was in Class 6 it began properly. It was hot flushes - mostly hot flushes. Then in Class 7, last year, it sort of went dormant - the periods became less regular. So, the periods have stopped and I am now permanently exhausted and in a low mood territory. Some days are better than others. If I didn't take iron and the menopause supplements, I'm not sure what I would do. I wonder if it will ever stop. I also have weight gain which means I must now start eating really carefully. It is not business as usual. I really have to start taking this seriously, this is what my body is telling me. I did not expect this at all. It is like having another baby - in that while you are pregnant it is not a case of mind over matter. The matter is very much present and it is hell. We are now asked to transform matter using the ethric. After acing all the tests that life has given me I am not going to let myself be defeated by this shit. It ain't happening. I am going to ace this as well.
So, for a long time I did wonder if I was a narcissist. Especially since I was accused of being one all the time. And I have decided, no. No because I do not need sources of narcissistic supply. What was the first thing that did when I had to let everything go? I made sure I took a long hard look at myself and stayed out of a relationship. I altered my behaviour. Most importantly, I took responsibility for myself. My own actions and the consequences of those actions. For those reasons alone I know I am not a narcissist. Am I perfect? No, I am not perfect. But am I a toxic person - no I am not that either. So this is the last EVER time I am going to wonder.
The lessons have stopped arriving. I must now start to live them. Live those lessons, woman, life is saying. Just one foot in front of the other and keep going. Keep going, we have your back. We really do. Doubt no more.
And winter is never ending. It is going to be yet another awful weekend. Winter took forever to arrive and now it is taking place in the middle of what is supposed to be spring, though to be perfectly honest, spring is always shit in this part of the world.
March is just a continuation of February, but brighter.
Turning up this morning is a victory. I am going to put that down as a victory. It is something I am going to be delighted about. I hauled my ass out of bed, against the treacle and marched myself in here. I am going to take that.
And then I am going for my run. And then I am going to clean the house and then I am going to go to school and clean that. Despite everything I had a good week in school. I found that the kids really helped to make it. As soon as I walked into the classroom all my problems disappeared and I was one with the lesson. It is hard to imagine that teaching would save me. Teaching would help make things better.
But it has. And Oisin is also right. He is so much like me, far more like me than I could possibly imagine. We were discussing Lyra McKee and he said, you know, she was a journalist, standing in a war zone. I said, yeah. It is terrible she is gone, but that is the risk journalists take, especially those who report from the front lines. He reminds me so much of myself when I was his age. This unrelenting dedication of logic and reason. And the same curiousity which drove me to love literature, now drives him to do economics and business finance. He wants to know how the world works, he want to see. And who can blame him? Now more than ever we are going to need good economists and hopefully he will join those ranks. The thing about Oisin is that he never accepts anything lying down and that will save him.
It is supposed to be very very windy tonight. Storm Haughey they are calling it. Another weekend of rain. So this Lent... I am cutting out sugar and crisps. I have to remember this because I automatically start having something on the prohibited list. And I am going to run everyday. 40 days of running. AND I am going to stop using the iPad for more than 30 minutes a day. No more watching streamed TV. Even when I eat. I will be just by myself.
I'll go out at 7 am.
After coming back from school, I will reset everything. Clean the house, hoover, make this place mine. It is, it has become mine.
There is nothing which I can't do. Just remember that. One step, one foot in front of the other, and keep walking. It will be fine.
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