#37.20 - Stages

Ballybay ...

2014

It was sunny all week...

We had the best weather

I tidied the place up so that it was would homely

Peace and tranquility

There were so many wildflowers I was able to use them to decorate the place

Ghin leaves for Florence tomorrow. It is really something quite painful for me. I am going to be soo soo sad. It is probably the first time we have been separated from each other since my stay in Harapan. Ghin has just awoken.

So the next thing is, acceptance.

To be a better person, just accept yourself as you are. It feels like defeat for me, but really it is just finally being comfortable in your own skin. I am happy the way that I am. No more, no less.

When this happens... who knows what comes next?

Time is now running out on this part of my life. By the time this year is out, everything will be gone. It will be swept away. I have been building the new bit of my life, and I don't know how that is going to go, but after this... this part of my life. This place, this table... everything will be gone. Everything. It will have blown away.

It is really really sad, but also frightening.

But also exciting! I once told a friend, life offers you things and you can only say yes or no. We were on a boat to Rathlin Island and for some reason, with the wind whipping our faces and the air changing from summer to autumn, the geese flying ahead it was something so free. I will remember that moment forever.

To be fair I have also said that several times before and after and I stand by it. But that moment of absolute freedom, or possibility, of intention - that is how I want to feel every single day. That being absolutely, exhiliratedly in love with life. This bliss of visiting a new city and walking in its streets all by yourself, first thing in the morning, the smell of the night still fading and the sun washing everything with new, or roaming sand dunes on the edge of the Atlantic by yourself before going back to bed with a lover, laughing on a bus in the middle of a torrential rainstorm, drenched and now all damp with the steam rising off you, sitting by the pool, glass of wine in hand as you watch the boys play like dolphins flipping and diving off the side, lying in bed as the clouds rise over the rainforest, listening to the gibbons cry, sitting at an opera, crying with disbelief at the beauty of the human voice, standing in a gallery in London, so close to the artist you love, perceiving his soul radiating from the paper.

The human world will, for some reason want to deprive you of everything you have - for some reason make you feel lesser than - don't let it do that. Never let it do that. We have everything and more, much much more and we must always hold on to that. To remember that even one per cent of my life has been stuffed with privilege that I will forever be grateful for.

Now other memories. Working on the farm, tidying the garden, painting, playing the piano, making beauty happen. Breathing with delight. Always being sure. What a great feeling. Always being sure. I have always felt sure, until I never felt sure, and then I changed my mind and felt sure again. I have always known. Always. I don't know why that has been. It has been both a gift and a curse.

Today it will snow...

I need to take photos of my life more often. Because it is so amazing.

Just the everyday is superlative.

For instance, this was from Facebook this week.

I am currently reading this book

The class have invented a board game

We did Alexander the Great

I discovered Spatone and Menopause support which has changed my life

I am happiest most when I am in a routine. When I am performing at my best. When I am in love with life. And there are people who will drag me from that and my discipline is I must learn to ignore them. Those people who will tear me down.

I have learnt to avoid people, or just not respond positively to people, who are narcissists. When they are nice to you they are horrible. In fact they are the worst when they are nice. It is dreadful. When someone who I know is a narcissist is nice to me I feel positively sick because it is the worst kind of manipulation. They want you to be nice to them too so they can kick you later, when you have let your guard down. When you believe 100% that they are who they say they are.

There is always something a bit off about narcs. Always. I have learnt to identify it straight away. They overshare and invite you to do the same, for instance. The other thing they do is that they look to you for validation and affirmation. So, my policy is now to stay clear of them. Also to not respond positively when they are being nice. To keep the barriers up at all times. If I am seen as a bitch, then that is the price I have to pay for protecting myself. Everyone is flawed, of course, but not everyone is a sadist. That is essentially what a narcissist is - they are not just self centred, they are only self centred and they believe the world owes them everything. I saw this image this week - just substitute use for the word love and you have the narcissist. And when you are no more use to them, they will happily discard you. So the trick is to no longer make yourself useful. And when a narcissist discards you it is a day for rejoicing. Sadly, there is also another sucker being born somewhere else. But that is their problem. Not yours.

So here is to new beginnings... and remembering, that life only offers you things, and you can only say yes or no.