#46.20 - One more day till Ghin returns

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Ghin's cartoon for the Magazine, Steiner Star
I have noticed now that days of peace are my favourite type of days. Days when I am allowed to be with my own thoughts. Days I wake up and there is the feeling of chilled possibility in the air.

The decisions I have made over the couple of days and the insights I have had have been life changing. Truths bombs have been dropped in my head about life. I finally get it. Negative emotions are not real if they are caused by other people. You have to ignore them. Why I could not have learned this earlier, I don't know. People don't upset you. You let yourself be upset by them. And I did. Big time. And I was an idiot. But I am not an idiot anymore. Not in that way at least.

I have also decided to stop complaining... so this is my last complaining entry. I actually stopped myself midstream when I spoke to my mom today. I went... ugh I said I wouldn't complain when I was talking about the piles of undried laundry which are now lying around the house. I cannot understand it. It is truly weird. But yeah...

I have also noticed that I have allowed my feelings to be dictated by others. No more. This is not going to happen. I am going to have to turn off my emphatic abilities, what I have of them at least. I have also realised that much of my distraction lately has not had to do with my menopause, but everything else that has been happening - the divorce, especially - and the sooner I acknowledge how this has made things more difficult, the better it will be. Before, I was mostly left to my own devices. Now there is the usual nonsense which is taking place and while I didn't want to think this, I must admit that it isn't just white noise, it is active bullshit that is going on.

So that was the last complaints I am doing.

I no longer turn on the heat in the middle of the morning when I come down to do this... it is cold, BUT I mostly tell myself, hey you know what, that's ok. If this was Singapore people would be paying good money for this. So I just keep the heat off. Wear socks, more layers. Outside the rain is hitting the glass doors. It is another foul day. There was sunshine yesterday after the snowing, but now it is back to the rains again. So this is what this month's full moon brought us - Storm Ciara and Storm Dennis.

OK, I understand this now, I get it.

I can now think... I must stop letting this do this to me. I must be really careful... If I am not careful this could corrode away at my soul. There are people who look like people, I now know, but they are not really people. Like one unseen limb or something is missing and they are literally incapable of having any real feelings for others. Their entire lives are about using other people. I totally understand this now. It is what it is.

Yesterday, we were doing our Class Presentations.

I decided to award the nicest presentation with a pizza voucher from Little Wing. As usual I had to give it to three people. They were equalled together and they were all boys. But what I realised was that it is now pointless to have projects about subjects, unless you have a very narrowly defined criteria. It is far better to have subjects which are about the child's personal life. They all chose to do their hobbies and it was so lovely to see their personalities shine through.

I loved watching them present their work. They were so so cute.

Yep. I have to get out of this misery mode and now enter my get on with it mode. I did that all of last year and I will continue doing it this year and for the rest of my years. And not only get on with it, but thriving mode. The truth eventually all comes to light, eventually. The truth all eventually arrives. It is beauty incarnate. And it is one more day till my Ghin returns!!!!

Oh yes, and Oisin has also started journalling. Getting everything out of your head down onto to paper. I told him that I totally approved.

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