#34.20 - Really? I mean, no, REALLY?

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Image may contain: 1 person, possible text that says 'How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so? -Charles Bukowski, Factotum 1975'


So, you know how for the past few weeks I have been having a shit time of it? Apparently all I needed to do was to get some iron and yesterday I called into Heidi's and she gave me some Menopause tablets and now I am FINE. It is all natural - herbs and stuff, and I also tried a Dr Haushka face thing and it is REALLY good so I am going to invest it in. Just to feel slightly HUMAN.

It is really annoying because the whole menopause thing is something which women are made to feel either slightly ashamed, VERY ashamed or annoyed about. It is probably about the male gaze. While it is ok for men to get older and be more wrinkled and look more experienced or whatever it is they do at this age, women are supposed to fade away. Well, I am not fading away. I am going to make my mark in the world, as I always have, as myself.

So yesterday, I took to Heidi's to get Oisin and got myself some Spatone and Heidi gave me some menopause pills from Dr Vogel. The effect was instantaneous. I suddenly had LOADS of energy again. Fuck me. I didn't feel miserable or depressed. I didn't feel like everyday was a slog. I am now fucking on it.

So, a few things have happened over the past three weeks, and then, particularly this last few days. I breakthrough has happened with my sense of this upcoming Lenten season. I think I really REALLY know that I am going through an underworld journey. That I'm going to take a trip to the cthonic. I am going underground. I did this when I was 33 with Inanna's journey, and I did this when I was 43, when I understood why we suffer, and I am doing this now again at 49. But this time I am prepared. I can feel it and I enter it willingly - well, it is not like I have a choice. I enter it open eyed. I have done this before and I know I will get through it. So As Mercury Retrogrades soon and as Lent arrives, I am going to use this to slingshot me through the underworld. I am going down. I am going in - I am going in deep. A deep dive. And with the iron and menopause support and my discovery of the Dr Haushka face cream, I am THERE. At the gates of Hades. I am waiting. And I am terrified because I don't know what I will find, but I am not going to be ambushed the way I was ambushed the last time. I can read life.

Do I know what I am going to find, what I am planning to clear? Yes. A part of it. I already wrote about it in the last blog. The parts of myself which will need to change. I have already talked about my snobbishness and intolerance towards people who do the oneupmanship thing. I need to sort that. I also need to take a hard look at myself and see the things which may have worked in the past and I must discard now because they are holding me back. Not external things, but things which have outlived their purpose. Things I must shed. Behaviours, patterns, emotions. The overwhelming message I am getting, I am vibing with, as it were, is to sit and listen. To be still. To open even more with kindness, to no longer resist. To rest and to trust and believe. A surrender to the world. To be as one with it in a non idiotic way. It feels good. I can't describe it any other way than as opening up into the arms, the embrace of a lover - not a child, or a friend, but having this utter and complete trust in someone whom you have known and whom you know will always be there for you. It is also more than God... it is a personal experience of the world. One which will look after you.

There is nothing to prove - you are your best self because it is easy to be your best self.

So I asked the world, the cosmos a question and the answer comes back to me. I can feel the answer. The world is not an empty, pitiless place. We only need to ask and wait and listen to the answers. And they are everywhere. Everywhere people want to help you. There are angels everywhere. This is the other thing. Human beings, our innate gesture is that of kindness.

Sometimes I DO feel like an alien, never understanding what the entire point of anything is about...

This iron is nothing short of a miracle. I wonder if I am going to be reliant on it for the rest of my life. No amount of eating any spinach or broccoli or steak could have given me this. I am a bit sleepy. I have done class prep and now I'm going to go for my run - although I feel a wee bit sleepy. This afternoon I have the meeting with Jonathan and Alison. After today it will be all systems go for the business. We will start looking at likely places to take us up. Wow. Just wow. It is finally happening.

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