#44.20 - Do not walk into bear traps like a ninny

Bees doing their thing

So today's learning is:

1. My negative emotions are only temporary. I am to treat them as such. I am resilient. I will absolutely recover in time. I have total faith in myself. It would be better if I understood this and let them pass instantly. All the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, the nostalgia, the sentiment... let that pass. BE PRACTICAL.

2. Do not walk into bear traps like a ninny.

3. Look after my inner sanctum and be very careful who I allow in there.

4. Remember I am worthy of the life which I have led. No one, but no one is going to take that from me.

Today I understood everything. I understood what I needed to do and how I am to do it.

Everything is temporary, everything is nothing. There is no point reacting to anything. It is all maya. Especially my feelings about being in pain. Pain is actually the most stupid emotion. It all passes, everything passes. Everything eventually goes. 

For instance, esterday, this time yesterday, I was a heap on the floor. I was a mess. I was awful. I was just completely done. I had believed everything he had said about me.

Everything. 

Then this morning, the fight back began.

It got better over the course of the day, and by the evening, I had completely recovered.

I draw strength from those women warriors. Slaves, victims of war, women who have been beaten and bruised.... and lived... I think part of my shock is always, I am not one of those women. I am a feminist, I would never let anyone do that to me. And yet, I did. I think that is a huge part of my shame. My disbelief. How could I have? I pitied women who had husbands who treated them so badly... anyone, but anyone could have this happen to them. And I had it happen to me.

But that is in the past.

Part of this shock is having managed to side step the obvious pitfalls, to not react to the obvious, idiotic things, the tactic has now moved to ambush. Cleverly laid traps which I then stupidly WALK INTO. On the premise of having a normal conversation, it is then set up, and before I know it, my foot is caught in a bear trap. Fuck. Then I panic. I start gnawing at my own foot, trying to bite it off. And before I know what has happened, I am just bombarded by utter crap - the word salad - the abuse after abuse after abuse - below the belt shit, that just keeps on coming.

So now... do not react. Just do not. That is that.

I KNOW NOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.

I KNOW. I UNDERSTAND.

And really after that, you can never not know.

And that is my lesson for today. There are no more illusions about anything anymore. There is no more sentiment. I no longer feel the draw, the tugging, the wondering, the what ifs... I mean the what ifs no longer exist there, but any tenderness of feeling, any softness of heart, that is gone.

The sleeves are to be rolled up and we are going to get on... Just get on...

I have also decided that I am going to choose the people who have direct access to me heart very very carefully. Very carefully. My sons - straight to the heart. My family, of course. Some friends. Some very dear friends. And then after that, if there exists another five more people in the entire course of the rest of my life which make it past that gate, I'd be surprised.

That's not to say I would never make friends again, no - I will be my usual self, but for my sanity, I must keep the inner sanctum cleaned and carefully vetted. That is critical.