#32.20 - The Struggle is Real

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Mystery of Golgotha

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That's Gar54rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt

Right.

Fighting with the cat.

Right. Stay upright, stay sound, stay true to what we are.

Yesterday I was reading about Alexander and the Siege of Tyre. It was a bit mad really.

Tyre was effectively trashed by him. He clearly didn't care that people were already there, all he cared about was his own personal ambition to be Achilles. Who ever eventually dies, but no one is really sure HOW he dies...

They think Paris kills him using some divine bow.

It was a great day yesterday. We did loads of work and then I got stuff done for elements. I came home and cooked dinner. We are still discussing dinner for today. There has been a massive hole left by Oisin's going dairy free. Poor Ghin has had to suffer. Our family has effectively gone vegetarian now. Bordering on vegan.

Between Oisin's no dairy and Ghin's no meat it has been a nightmare finding things to cook for them. I have to get back the Hari Krishna book now.

But all these things are small matters.

Recently in a greater spot of naval gazing I have been asking myself, am I a bad person? I don't know, am I? Why would I think that? Because I think that while it is alright to do wrong things, and people do wrong things all the time, it would seem that I can be quite ruthless when people who do wrong things to other people or right things for selfish reasons, get in my way. I am also terrible, as I said to people who are wasteful and know it all. Also I am terrible to people who behave as if they are entitled. Oddly people who are racist, prejudiced, etc if they are none of these things I am not horrible to them. I don't know why. However this class of people really rub me up the wrong way and if I think there is a smidgen of this entitled bullshit, I become really annoying.

This is something I have to confront head one. This is probably my last wall. Being nice to assholes.

However, is this something which is a good thing? Is it necessary to be friends with everyone, especially people who are awful to other people?

I mean I have made real mistakes, but I'd like to think I've learnt from them. Mistakes like opening my mouth when it should have stayed shut. Also getting annoyed with people who are out to benefit for themselves. 6 pm is too late to be writing. I got up at 445 and made the massive mistake of opening FB. So I know all these traps and yet I still fall into them. It isn't good enough really.

SO yes, I am thinking about my behaviour. Am I an asshole is the question I am now asking myself. Not to everyone of course, or I would have no friends, but to a certain class of people. And if I am, should I stop being an asshole? Or perhaps I could just flex at them? Is that worse? Is that worse than being awful to them? If I flex at them... ugh I know what happens though when you flex these people. They then become very upset when they think you are better than they are, or rather when you KNOW they are better. Or when you nicely explain to them why what they have just said is mental.

Ugh dear god I have just read something about the Mystery of Golgotha. I think I feel a period of suffering come on. I mean real and deep suffering leading up to Easter. This is a really crap time of the year. This period of Lent. I am really not looking forward to it.

I am really not looking forward to it, but at least now I know that the next two months is going to be a time of self reflection and going deep down inside. I think that in general I know that I have now to be kinder. Be better - EVEN BETTER. Yep. To feel genuine remorse for any suffering I have caused. To practise true humility. To not have all the solutions. To draw the horns back and go back to Ground Zero. Life isn't about being positive and forging ahead all the time. It is also about retreating and thinking about why it is we do what we do and if there are things we have to change. So after a year of building my base, I am now going to raze it to the ground, without fear or attachment. The bonfire of the vanities, inside. I am now left with nothing.

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