#26.20 - Lost

Christ on the Cross as an Infant
Blake

It has been a week since I woke up in London and I have spent that past week in a fog. A haze. I have no idea what's going on. The year began badly enough and then the panic caused by the coronavirus has resulted in. Then we had Brexit. Now I just dont have the energy to do anything. I just can't be bothered. WTF bother you know? It's not like no one saw this coming. But it is the sheer scale of stupidity that you have to constantly fight against. The really super obvious thing. And people then have IDEAS about themselves. Who they are and what they are capable of. It is very exhausting. What you are capable of is plenty. The thing is that thing you want to do is just pointless. Like going to Mars. WHY BOTHER!!!!???? Why do something so wasteful and pointless? It is expensive, pointless and inane. There are real problems, which YOU created that resulted in the mess we are in. Why not fix this instead?

I don't know what motivates people. I think that previously there was a LOT of energy to do things, believing that things could be fixed also that people were not so stupid. But it would seem that with the advent of the internet whether people have actually become more stupid or whether the evidence of stupidity is more obvious, it feels like we are pushing against a tide of just overwhelming idiocy. n a way, yes, it isn't worse than say, the hundred years war, living in a town in Germany besieged by the Black Plague. It isn't worse than say, being bombed to bits on the Gaza strip or Aleppo. But this is the point, these atrocities are taking place today, when we should know better. How did society produce a monster like Trump, like Farage, like Johnson, and with the help of these easily led and the cretins and the racists, how did they gain the upper hand? FFS.

How come the voice of moderation failed to prevail? I know that it had something to do with people being left behind. They believed that their plight was somehow because of the people who had arrived and taken their jobs from them. It was really that simple. The working class, who effectively hadn't worked for about three generations, whose jobs had been made obsolete by Thatcher, whose communities had been destroyed by her, they now looked around, and could not find a system which helped them. Their politicians had abandoned them - the Tony Blairs and the Peter Mandelsons who talked about the Third Way, but that way really was neoliberalism - and the wealth was funneled upwards. Left to fester in their broken communities, they decide that the problem was immigration. Although ironically many of these communities had few immigrants because immigrants don't go to these places.

But yes, I need to get back into my get up at 4 am groove again. The entire January has been a total loss. And I really have felt it. 4 am, no exceptions, back into the head once more, back into the body. Running, etc. I can't be waiting for this and that - I just need to get going.

When everything you have tried seems a pointless exercise though, it is really hard not to be depressed. I can't believe that one week ago I was feeling absolutely great in London. I really think this has to do with mood swings. I think I am slightly losing my mind. It feels like that.

Where the wild things are...

And so, as life keeps going and going, I find myself if I am honest, a bit lost. Maybe this is my mid life crisis... is it too late for it?

It is just that everything keeps changing all the time. I know that I had seven years of boredom and I have to tell you I loved it... but now it is like my muscles for change and trying to get themselves up and running again and it is tough you know.

OK. That's enough of self pity. Tomorrow is the 22nd anniversary. I have been in Ireland for 22 years. In 22 years, when I am 72, what will I be? Well I'll be running a successful Forest School based on Steiner principles. I will be living in the countryside or at least a house with a garden. I will be writing everyday and playing the piano. And drawing. All these things and more I must remember. I must remember. These are the real me. Not the awful things which I obsess about every night.

Not the things which I put my heart and soul into and didn't work out. Everyone has hundreds of those stories. No. I must rise. Go on. Believe. Be brave. Despite everything.