#47.20 - Equanimity - I got this

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Cuban Artist... forgot his name...
Today a few things happened to me and it was good. I aced it. I aced the test. After years and years and years I now have this.

People cannot upset me - I give them permission to upset me. I am in control of my reactions. They are entirely independent of someone else's opinions and behaviour towards me. i.e. I have gotten over myself.

It has taken a long time coming, but I am finally here.

This is not to say that I am insensitive and horrible and are terrible to people. Nope. What this has enabled me to do is to see past the pain and the criticism and to smile and to reach past all that and be a useful member of the human race.

When I reach past my own pain, I am able to then help others. But it is not about helping others. Helping others is the other half of the equation. I help others when I am able to reach past my own pain. 

This is where I have been making my mistake. Previously the god given grace of doing this drove me towards trying to make a better world. But my ego was too fragile, too easily hurt. And this was natural. The more I gave, the angrier I became. I felt it was all pointless and not worthwhile. I mean, seriously, why? Why was I doing this? And the danger of bitterness was very real. This was the demon I was wrestling for the past few weeks - the demon of bitterness and disappointment. Because I was HURT.

I am not denying my hurtedness. I am not. I was hurt. But I realise now that I was hurt because I allowed myself to be hurt. This is not some internalising blame, but looking at someone else who has unwittingly or wittingly hurt me, and not wincing. Instead, standing firm and going, I am moving past this. Not with bravado or brashness, but with peace. In peace.

It is moments like these I think I am insane. Last week I was a bubbling heap on the floor - forget about last week, it was at the start of this week. Now I see - I see everything. No one has control of how I am. I am tall and strong and alive. 

I am me. So many new understandings. So many new insights. Every time I feel pain, I know that it a lesson now. I identify the pain and I sit with it and then I think - where do I need to grow? Where does the bud need to be put out? Step into my power. Step into it now. In full consciousness...

I can feel the soul work of this is coming to an end for now. This feels like the final piece in the puzzle which will help me to go on. So much of learning over the past few days really - but incubating. Why oh why could I not have done this earlier? Why? Why only now? I don't ever ask about my career or earnings or salary, but rather wonder about how unevolved I have been and could I not have done this sooner?

It is just incredibly frustrating. Why has it all taken such a long time?

But I suppose I should be glad it is finally here. Things which seem perfectly normal to normal people take me so fucking long to get. In the meantime I grit my teeth and get on with life and try to pretend like I am a normal person. 

Today I also watched the ability for someone to deny big time the truth and reality of a situation. It was actually a sight to behold. If people do not acknowledge the reality of a situation then we will always be addressing the wrong problem. It is deeply frustrating to see this. 

But you know what - it is what it is. Those are the cards we have to deal with.

And I have overcome a massive obstacle - I have gotten over myself. That took a super long time, but I am finally here. I have gotten over myself.

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