#27.20 - Craptitude

Briget, patron of blacksmiths

The year started off so well. The Christmas holidays were perfect. We just stayed home and brooded in a good way. I slept loads. Did astronomy. I wrote. I had lots of time to think. I thought that I was ready to take on the new year. I even booked in an exhibition for London - one I had been planning to see for ages. And then - nothing. It was the biggest anti climax of all time. It was supposed to be afresh new start, a brave new world, blah blah blah - and then, nowt. It was awful.

I can't even tell you what happened. All I can say is that somewhere along the way, I just fell through the floorboards. I became very very inexplicably tired. I had no idea I was so tired. I couldn't get up. I couldn't stay awake. It was just terrible. I would come home and go straight to bed. I literally did that yesterday. It was really bad.

It wasn't even due to alcohol cos I wasn't drinking at all. I have had a dry January. Well, mostly, I had a glass in London.

But apart from that - it has been not great.

I need to find my mojo again. What the fuck did it go? Couldn't I write myself into it? I need structure once again in my life. It is a nightmare.

I mean I know EXACTLY what I have to do and not only do I have no energy, I also feel that the entire thing is utterly pointless. I mean not utterly pointless, it all has a point whatever it is I want to do - it is just something which I feel totally exhausted and can't bring myself to do it. It is NOT GOOD.

It is hard to imagine when I have ever had a self inflicted bout of inertia. This is not my normal modus operandi so it is quietly worrying me. I have never ever looked at other people and thought to myself, I am so useless, How does that person do it? Just get up and do what had to be done? It is just unthinkable really. And now, here I am. I feel so useless. Not just helpless, but actively useless.

But since I'm here, this is a good sign. It is a good sign because when I turn up at the keyboard it means that something has shifted and I'm ready to start reengaging with life. So today is as follows...

I am going to do more planning, remember what I have to do and then organise stuff. Most of the afternoon is about to be about the Forest School. So many lost hours. Then after that, I am going to spend the evening cleaning the house. I only need to get Oisin at 5.30 - and then prep dinner. Not sure what dinner is... maybe it is the fast food for the week. Often it is on a Saturday. Although I'm sure the boys are bored of burgers by now. Not sure. Peter will be gone this evening.

Shared a bottle of red with Emma last night. It is now my new favourite wine - an Organic red which drinks like a white, but is much nicer. I think I'm going back to red now because I don't drink so often.

I was describing my brain to Oisin this morning. It is so weird having this menopause brain fog. BUT there are some good things. Having been really careful with my diet over the past three weeks, four weeks, I have lost weight without exercise. It is very strange. No alcohol and cheese = weight loss.

Since I began teaching again. So that's good news. I'm back to before I was Christmas size. Now I'm back to late October. This gives me hope. I have gotten up everyday and gone to school. Done my best. I have enjoyed astronomy. I can't describe it - it is like being really uncomfortable in my skin. Like I want to scream and I don't know my mind anymore. Like I'm trapped by something I cannot describe. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and I feel completely paranoid as well. More so than usual. To be honest paranoid is not my style. I generally don't care. But now I feel guilty about everything. Which is, as you know, also not my style. Quite possibly I think that I am letting stuff get under my skin.

I think a valuable lesson for me is to just sit still.

To sit still and just let things wash over me. To not react.

Just shut up.