#63.20 - Becoming the Crone

Hrana Janto

If there was one stage of life which I always felt happiest with, looked forward to the most, it was becoming a crone. To me she was always the healer, the sage. To me she was wisdom incarnate. The stars, the earth whispered things to her and she understood them. She knew what plants would bring comfort, she knew how to carry souls to the after life. She knew about babies. She loved and nursed and she cared. She was wild, untamed. Gummy. She was a bit mad. She was herself. She was utterly herself.

What I was not prepared for was the hormones. In many ways, the hot flushes I could deal with. In hindsight they were the easy bit. The overture to what I am clearly undergoing now which is a full scale raging assault which is bringing to birth my new body. And I have no idea which way is up.

I need to acknowledge now that if I am to remain sane, I need to do certain things.

For a start, like a proper old person I take four supplements to start my day. Iron, magnesium, Vit C and kombucha. I am not fully convinced of the benefits of kombucha. I think I may leave it off for a few weeks now.

 But I need to do things to my skin and my hair. My skin feels like it is on fire. My hair looks like wire. My fingers are numb from time to time and the worst bit is I feel tired ALL THE TIME. No, scrap that. The worst bit is that in addition to feeling tired all the time, my brain feels like cotton wool. I can't seem to get anything in order. I feel like my legs have been cut from beneath me and it is really crap.

I talk myself out of bed everyday. I go straight into it as soon as we get home from school. My god. Who would be a woman? I am not visiting doctors because they will tell me two things: I am prediabetic and I have low iron levels - I am anemic. So I am self medicating instead. I have to now remember to cut out all sugar. I forget. I literally forget I'm not allowed sugar. So I now have to cut it out. And I need to also cut out caffeine. I think it is making me a bit mad. Or at least limit it to two espressos in the morning.

And I must drink lots and lots of water.

But sometimes I lie in bed and I can't move -  my body feels as if it is made of lead. The WORST THING on to of many worst things is that I don't know when this will end or what comes next. Literally, I have no idea. No one does. It is not like there is a road map of anything. It is all the great unknown - every woman has her own weird and wonderful journey. Maybe that's the key - as I am on my road to cronehood, I need to embrace that - instead of ignoring it. I am not trying to fight it with botox and make up - but I need to lean into it. To take it back. Once again, my generation of women are at the edge, we are going over the top.

I am lucky. I had great role models. My grandmothers and my mother - the women of my family - on both sides were fighters. On my mother's side, we were matriarchs - we were always strong women. Peranakan women were famed for their strength - Malay women are. Polynesian culture is like that. Women who were unafraid of their bodies. Who swore. Smoked. Who were educated. Women who ran houses. Families. Did business. Fathers who adored them. So I had great role models.

No nonsense. Telling it like it is.

That's us.

But this croneship thing is tough. It is a lonely road too. It is a weird age 50. 60 you are old... 50, is 50 old I mean? Is it?

I think it is definitely a transition age. I look at women who are my age who have put an enormous effort into looking young, stopping time in its tracks and some of them look twenty years younger, but there is a hardness which youth does not have. It looks like a mask - the mask of youth. It is a weird look.

Still though, 50 is an age where you can still pass off for being younger. This is not a concern I have though, but I wouldn't even be contemplating this if it weren't for the hormones.

The hormones. Sigh.

So in 2018, it was hot flushes. In 2019, it was what was it - I can't even remember what it was in 2019? And then now, this year, it has been exhaustion and ... see this... I took a menopause tablet from Dr Vogel at the start of this blog - it is full of magnesium and essentially, I am feeling better now. It is a chemical thing. It is just rubbish. The thing is I don't know if this is going to be me for the rest of my life. At least with a baby you can watch it grow. There is some kind of start and progress. With this, it is a total unknown journey. It is driving me nuts.

The exhaustion is the worst thing. And the brain mush. And it is all chemically induced. What is the point though? Why? Why have we been given this? What is forcing us through this gateway? I think that maybe it is time for me to take a retreat for a weekend by myself somewhere with my drum. Maybe I could go to Donegal this weekend on my own to do some drumming...

It feels like... I am stuck. I am in first gear all the time. It is just so baffling. I don't know what is wrong with me... hormones. Right I need to do something about this - I really need to grapple with this issue or I will forever be banging my head against a brick wall.

I love being alive, of course I do, but oh my god, this is hard hard work. I suppose not having periods must come with a downside. I just need to get through this time.