#60.20 - The Internet of All Things

Sunny days to come... this year will be my last summer in this garden...
It is what it is... it is time to give thanks and let go.

This holiday Oisin and Ghin repainted their room, cleared it out and then installed the Internet of all Things. Just in their room. Using Alexia, a thing which Ghin had pestered Peter to buy for Christmas three years ago, they have fitted a voice operated light which turns on and off, dims and brightens at a voice command as well as on programme. Oisin has also got Alexia to sort out the music and a morning alarm. So today they woke at 7 am to Bach and Joe Hasahasi. Just like that the Internet of all Things has arrived to our house. It will only be a matter of time before they decide to hook up all kinds of other things I think. I have to say that it is great cos one of the annoying things about their room is that they dont want a reading lamp so having a light which turns on and off is what you need. Of course there is the radiation, but you know... it is what it is. 

I can't believe how amazing they are these boys. They can do everything. I am so grateful to everyone who has made this possible. I have amazing sons who can do anything, who know that can do anything.

Last night I had an early night, the last early night on the last day of the holidays as it were. As I was lying in bed, an absolutely luxury - sleeping is my all time favourite thing to do, anything that gets in the way of sleeping had better be worth it - well, as I was snuggling in bed after a rather chilled out day - just some minor sending and fetching and some retail therapy - but I was just writing in bed with pen and paper and I was being grateful for the things in my life, when I realised something about the past three months.

I began September and October very active, and then I went into a sort of quiet phase. 

It was partly the menopause and the awfulness of not having iron, but I now know that everything happens for a reason. I had to go to ground. This year has been about me going to ground. The past three and a half months have been about me just ticking over to decide who I am. And it has been tough, going to ground. Everything around the world changing and me having to decide what is it I really do want. What is my future? And the future is not about, it has never been about, the things I do or the things around me, but who I am as a person, and finally, yesterday I put that down. Who am I going to be in the future? What is my True North. Many years ago, I had this image of me as an older woman. And now this image, last night, this image coalesced in my mind. It wasn't a physical image, but traits that I would have. After all the burning in the crucible, the dark nights of the soul, the fighting the way to the castle, I now can see, the castle, crystal and even the Grail. Who am I? What does my old age entail? 

And this is what I came up with.

The person I want to be is:

Kind, generous, positive, happy, open, sharing, enjoys her own company, creative, loving, accepting of life, open to possibilities, adoring, filled with wonder, believing in magic, witchy, healing, forgiving, strong - especially strong, determined, upright, honest, courageous, frugal, careful.

Everything which I do must cultivate this. Everything I do brings this to the table. In a way the tables have turned - it was about life teaching me, and now I am trying to say, I have learnt. My greatest fear is that I become a bitter old woman. I am not having this - it is no longer a fear. It is also no longer a pose. It is am ambition an a destination, but it is also the journey.

I think that has been the biggest difference. It has settled, become clear. It has become the most wonderful journey, the most wonderful possible of all worlds. It feels really magical. I could not explain it, except that this was always where I was meant to be. And I am now finally here. Now that I'm finally here, not only does it feel like the universe has my back and I can trust it completely, I can also trust myself completely. It is a strange thing really.

In many ways, I did not realise that this was the direction of travel and now it is. It is not about doing things, but being who I am. It is a lot to live up to, but I am now glad that I have clarified the who. And in many ways this would not have happened if I hadn't been constantly told I was useless and made to feel less than. I did not cave in, I did not collapse. I stood in the face of that storm and called the person I was meant to be forth. Or rather I was called forth by the person I was meant to be. 

The direction of travel is always towards the best self. Always. Over and over again... that is the road we must keep coming back to. I understand that now. 

So, this holiday the work on the self which I had been doing has now entered a new phase. A phase which is no longer a battle, but a being. It is now carved in light.