2.4.24 - Yesterday's selfie

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No drinking since the 25th of December, running everyday since the holidays began, stretching. No dieting. AT ALL. I have lost another dress size. Another whole section of my wardrobe is becoming accessible to be again... Truth is I will never have to buy another scrap of clothing again.

Oh yes, I have also begun playing the piano everyday. And now I can play it at ANYTIME - because I am the only person in the house now.

It used to be something in deeply cherished in the past when the boys were tiny, that I just WISHED I had some ME time. And I have survived the madness and I have all the ME time possible. Yesterday someone wanted to come and visit and I said, er no. No. this is my place and my space and I am NOT having someone else in here without good reason. Especially someone I don't really know. But this is me now. 

Will I ever drink again? I don't know. I genuinely don't. The feeling which I used to enjoy when I drank I don't want to have anymore. It's so weird. I used to wonder how people at the age of 50 stopped drinking, and now I know. The body just doesn't want to do it anymore. It's like, what are you doing? Aren't you bored of this? Haven't you had enough? 

It's only been one week since the holidays began - ok 10 days, and it feels like a lifetime. So much has passed... some thing odd also happened yesterday. As I was walking back from piano, I realised I no longer felt pissed off with Peter anymore. I felt just a huge big NOTHING. This does not mean the borders come down, but it's like who is this total asshole which I no longer feel anything for any longer? I think clearing out things yesterday, I saw things which came from the time with him and I was like, yeah whatever. This means nothing - at all. It felt so wonderful. Like I had cleared a space out in my soul from him. It was now GONE. A new space had appeared. It was quite something. I think it is called MOVING ON. It may have had something to do with the interaction I had with Ghin. He understood that only I could tell him what was needed. It was a sacrifice which I was willing to make. Hopefully that is the last time I will ever argue with him like that again. It was brutal. But necessary. I cannot have him growing up an asshole.

Well that's that for today. Now piano for half and hour then garage for a next few... then prep for tomorrow...

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