12.4.24 - And the rain it raineth everyday

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Boom!

It has been shite this weather. Even I who never complains am fed up with it.

At least I know i'll be getting away. 

What are my days like now? I go to school and I am killing the teacher bit. My class is solid I can see that now. I do forest school. I come home and I make something to eat. Or I go to the club for a run and a swim. Then I watch a film or an episode of something - binge watching is for the holidays - and then I do my class planning. I do some tidying up. I do some reading. I catch up on Palestine and post feverishly. Otherwise I journal, play the piano, do admin... it seems so strange that after all these years, and I remember each of them so well, that I would be here, alone, in glorious silence and bliss. 

I have all the memories of the exhaustion and the carrying of this family all by myself and then working through it all. Holding everything together. Then having my love for the children enabling me to spend the time to love them and cherish them completely. To know each moment. To hold on to each moment knowing that one day this day would come and I would be able to leave them because when I had them I lived every moment. I appreciated and gave thanks for every moment.

And now this time is my time.

I am now down to 40 mins for 5 km. It used to be 44, 45 minutes. So i've cut 5 minutes since last month. It feels great to feel that i'm stronger than I was six months ago. I have lost weight. I'm still not drinking - since 25th December... which is fab. It has taken me this long to find a new rhythm and to inhabit this space completely.

Every now and then visitations from the idiotic side occur and now I don't care. The schadenfreude is off the scale. And to no longer be the person whom this person gets off on their pain on. It is so wonderful. To breathe free. It is like I have been in prison for years and years with this horrid relationship and now I am free. I am free to breathe the air and it has really taken me all this time to finally breathe free.

And I promised myself that I would never compromise if I ever did get into a relationship again. I would never compromise myself and who I am. Again part of the whole dating process was the not knowing. That is not the case with me now. At my age I can just read people so easily. I have put my pattern recognition skills into practise and the person is laid bare. It is a bit terrifying. The only person you kid is yourself - and that is never more obvious than when someone is dating. You weave some story about yourself to make yourself seem appealing, not just to the person in front of you, but also to yourself.

Most of all to yourself. And if you have to do that to someone else, through someone else, then it is just impossible.

So impossible.

Anyhoo... Right time to do some admin.

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