#7 - #7

The unbearable flatness of being. That's what this new year has been like. It has been filled with dread. A dread of the coming year and what it will bring. Instead of feeling up for it I feel like why bother? and it hasn't left me. I think I need to start running again. I know what it is - it is the cumulative effects of the bloody lockdowns. It is the frustrations we feel with each other. It is the screaming into a void and it is most of all the feeling that things which were getting better will never ever get better.

People will forever be cajoled and bribed and bullied into passivity and it will not get better because of the AI and the virtual worlds which will suck us in. We will be powerless to resist the march of the automaton. Even those who did try to resist - friends of mine - they too gave in. And they were forever in the smallest, the slivers. Those who have had some success will eventually be co-opted or they will fade away. They will no longer be viable oppositions. 

Fair play t0o the anti-vaxxers who have protested and gone on to keep on protesting. Fair play to them. Good for them. If only they were right-wingnuts. But the Left has let me down - so it has come to this. I am now agreeing with the right-winguts and listening to Megan Kelly and Talk Radio - and... it is beyond depressing.

Everything which I have tried to do has ended in futility. And that is what it feels like... and I know what I need to do now - I need to flip the narrative and realise how lucky I am - how I have so many things and stop feeling miserable. But for now I cannot be bothered.

I know I need to I cannot. And I see the boring, the uninspired the safe and the dull people being rewarded. those who in their mediocre way boost the system - the system which is slowly and quickly killing us and the planet. The system which takes the modicum of intelligence and trashes it. Or those who game the system. It is just not worth getting out of bed for right? I had not counted on running out of steam, out of motivation. That I have not been prepared for. I am stunned by this. I thought my resources - my fight would be unlimited but I realise that even for now I have my limits. Where do I go to get my inspiration from? 

It is impossible to connect to other people. Impossible given the stupid Covid. I realise too that the first year I still had it and last year I was at the end of those resources. This year - this year I am DONE. I am resourceless. It has drained me completely.

And yet... I must go on. 

I must continue to take responsibility for my life. Which I always have. And I must... well it just has to go on.

And I must have plans and ambition and continue to have goals... this is the thing one of the aftermaths of no longer having any ig questions is the sense of what is the point? I will come across and article which would have excited me previously and go, well first I know what it is going to say and secondly anyways whatever they say will be quite dull and also not make a difference to my life because I know what I think about that issue now. It is terrible.

I am reading a book about the hunt for the slender-billed curlew which is apparently a very rare bird. I remember the excitement in the RSPB when one appeared in some reserve. The story while well written was also deeply depressing. I think it is the sense that despite all our collective erudtion we have not managed to stop the outrageous abuse and eventual death of the planet. It is BEYOND the imagination what we have perpetrated here. Maybe we are convicts - no it is the ~Western mindset perhaps? What? No - in all of civilisation and culture, no matter what civilisation and culture, if we are insufficiently challenged by our climate and surroundings we end up killing the living beings which surround us - including ourselves. All 'great civilisations' have been built on slavery. It is inescapable. Think of a civilisation - the Great Wall of China, Pyramids, the skyscrapers of Dubai, the aquaducts of Rome - okay they were not literal slaves but they might as well have been slaves. The monies paid, the way they were treated... whatever. Slaves. These socieites collapse. Societies which fade away are ones which are sustainable - and then they are co-opted by more aggressive ones, often from the inside by those who want to make a quick buck. Honestly it is like being so bored when you read history. Scan the horizon for the cliched characters and you will find them. They are so cliched that it makes me ill just thinking about them.

No wonder people end up doing idiotic things. Anything to escape the drudgery of the repetition. And my fear is that this next repetition is going to be much worse than more recent idiocies with all out war. There is literally no point saying anything. People are going to do stupid things anyway. The best thing you can do is lead a good life and then when it comes to an end in whatever way it comes to an end at least your conscience is quits.

Well that was utterly depressing. No point gilding a turd. I know I will snap out of it somehow. But for now... this is where I am supposed to be so I will be here.