#3 - #3

Well so it is the third day of the new year. I still have not managed to find any motivation whatsoever. This is a most odd place for me to be in. To feel like I do not want to interact with the world at all. It is very weird.

I dunno if it has been because of the lockdown or because of the changing relationship with my sons. Or rather more like their new relationship with their father. I think that maybe I need to find another centre to my life because Peter sure has and now he has another family and I have Gary. Whom I love very much but I am trying to not feel complete incandescent anger at how... yesterday I was very annoyed with Oisin the entire 'better to ask for forgiveness than permission' is entirely something which he has learnt from his father. It is the behaviour of semi-sociopaths and I need to make them understand that. You cannot behave like a bastard towards the people who are most precious to you. Sorry is a shitty word when it is used too many times. And using it with the people who love you best is a crappy thing to do. It is taking advantage of a relationship. 

Which makes sense when you think of the person whom it came from. 

Anyway, I am going to have to work through these whole gamut of feelings and as I said in my very first post Peter will continue to attempt to squeeze every iota of misery out of me and I need to minimise how he does that. The thing is that he is like an expert sadistic concentration camp guard. People really have no idea what he is like and he will continuously find ways of tapping that vein. I must make sure the first thing is that my sons continue to be my sons but also that they are not the instruments of his torture.

Or the unwitting instruments of his torture.

They are guiltless. He is not. I must always remember this.

It is a beautiful morning once more. Just like it was beautiful yesterday. I am defrosting the fridge. We went to the Giant's Causeway yesterday. Then we had Chinese. It was ok. Very expensive. Weirdly expensive, but I guess that's the cost of a Chinese. It is like paying for a bottle of wine outside - a 300% mark up. I find it very unsatisfying. Then after that we got home and tried to watch the Revenge of the Fallen which I could not do because it was so terribly bad. 

I went to bed, got up and then watched the news. The media find it impossible to admit that the Omicron is not as exciting as it should have been. Thereafter I watched this documentary about this couple who had three autistic children. I felt very sorry for them. It is really hard to see people struggling with the autism diagnosis and making the best go they possibly can with it. I really felt for them. It is really hard to know what to make of autism because it presents itself so differently. For some people it can be the screaming meemees and for others they can go on to live perfectly normal lives. Yes, it is true that they - or we - get the world less or more, but sure isn't that the human condition? When does it start being a thing - a real obstacle which you need to really surmount in your life?

The how much of it is to do with family socialisation? 

Now I have to think again... there is something here around the boys and how well adjusted they are and how much this has to do with someone - i.e. being there for them 24/7... they have escaped the worst of the instablity of their childhood. I must continue to try and give that to them - for the both of them - Oisin is still struggling to try and make everyone happy - what I really don't want to happen is for them to feel that my happiness is dependent on them. That is the last thing that I want.

That I must take responsibility for. And the best way to do that is to think about what that means, what that really means... because our relationship is being redefined due to changes in many circumstances - and I have to rethink about how I own this.

When they were younger in many ways their happiness always came first and it is true that the sacrifice which was required of me I was willing to make. I must just think about that as something which I remember being very clear about - whether it was money or a life - that was the price someone had to pay and I was happy that that person was me. I was glad to be able to be there for them, without question and to be able to look after them, make sure that they were given everything they needed most especially stability. Yes it is true that on weekends - far and few in between - I would go out with my friends and then stay overnight here. Or overnight at their houses. But that was NOTHING compared to the crap that Peter pulled. Never letting me know when he was leaving the country nor when he was coming back. Nothing.

And that's just for starters.

However, they are no independent and I need to know I think what is that relationship they want with Peter. Clearly they do want one and I will have to once more place them in the centre of it all - well Oisin is pretty straight forward since he lives overseas now - but what I want is a relationship of openness and honesty. As for Ghin, I'm not sure what he wants now. It has been so hard for him - I understand that and I really don't want to make it so difficult that he ends up feeling that he cannot fully become himself because of me. That is the absolute last thing. So I will be called to make another sacrifice. In the past the sacrifice was straightforward - it just involved me dedicating myself completely to them. Now the sacrifice will be two fold.

Asking me to step away - which is doable. In many ways the entire existence regarding our lives together has been preparing me to make them independent. But the other sacrifice, which is much more insidious and painful is to see them still recognising Peter as their father despite his complete inadequacy as a father. The injustice, the unfairness of it all. I will have to bear this cross. And I will need to work with the both of them in order to bring us through it all. Previously it just fell on my shoulders and that was easy. Now it is far more complicated. And the absolutely fucking last thing I want is firstly for them to feel torn and miserable and secondly for them to feel like they are carrying my happiness. I my responsible for my own happiness.

Part of me thinks it would be so much easier to - as Ma said - well just tell them to stay with their father then if they love him so much. However that is not where I am going with that. I am not walking into his stupid trap. I will take responsibility for my own happiness BUT I need to have an honest conversation to see how we can help each other to get to the otherside of this fucking torrent which Peter has once more constructed by moving just across the road from us, instead of leaving us alone. The man has no shame. He is a sociopath. No sense of the hurt and damage he has caused. Just the world revolves around him and he will never take no for an answer until of course you capitulate and the he loses all interest in the entire thing. I asked Oisin, so I suppose dad is happy now. And he reply was, it is impossible to tell with dad - you know he is just dad.

Well, that makes perfect sense right?

So i will have to have a conversation with them about this. Construct a raft to help all three of us get across without ripping us apart. Already we have built the first plank last night - well we did more than that - I would say that it has been built mostly - I have a couple of more planks left and then... we can get on with it. 

What I want - really need - is to preserve the core of dignity and integrity in it. Peter's dearest wish is that we are all friends and shit. That is never EVER going to happen in two billion years. Never fucking ever. The amount of pain he put me and the boys through I will never allow that to ever occur. Never. The most I will do is whatever it takes, whatever it will take to enable the boys to live as best they can - and it absolutely and of this I am certain - not at the cost to myself. I am not never have been and never will be some stupid 1960s or 70s or 80s or 90s hausfrau who then becomes someone who accepts her husband's stupidities for the sake of 'peace in the garden'. He can carry the knowledge that he has torn this entire existence apart and will never EVER be forgiven - most certainly not by me. I will be Thokk. I will hold out. The boys of course can forgive him but that will never come from me. And when I make up my mind like this - well you can ask everyone who has never met me.

And why should I not change it? I am not changing it on behalf of all the women who have had to suck up the shit their useless deluded ex-spouses have doled out to them. I sucked it up when we were married we are no longer married I am under no obligation under some sexist pretentious moral made code about how we are to be friends with each other to be cordial and civil to him. 25 fucking years of my life living under the tyranny of his petty dictator. Were the Jews asked to forgive Hitler? Were the victims of Stalin asked to forgive him? Were the Irish asked to forgive the British? No. So - yeah no. I will tolerate the pathetic attempts what whatever game he has got going for the sake of the boys but do not ask me to do anything more.